(no subject)
I had my second Tom dream last night. I would of thought that if I didn't have any those first couple weeks I'd be free from them. But boy was I wrong. I keep running from this short period of time in my life and it seems as if it's chained to my ankles, never giving me a break.
I keep dreaming that I meet him when we were both younger. Like I had never gone to NYC and stayed in San Diego and met up with him and had this awesome friendship and saved him from a life of addiction. I think this comes from the fact that everyone tells me he was an addict and would of ended up this way whether or not I had come along. It makes me so happy in the dream to see him. I can actually feel my heart lift, and I can actually experience pure joy for minute. Until I wake up.
In reality everything seems so dull. Work keeps me busy or else I'm afraid that I would fall into a pit of darkness and not be able to find a way out. My family... my mother, sister and so-called dad, are worse off than ever. My mom is stuck in Canada with no money and with a guy who's forcing her in alcohol abuse and debt. My sister is still in a group home with no one that truly loves her or really believes in what she's capable of. And my father has finally found a way to stop all payments of child support to my mother, which puts her at an even worse state.
All the friends I made here in San Diego have pretty much abandoned me. They believe that I'm culpable for Tom's death, and no matter what they tell me I can see it in their eyes and how they act around me that in no way am I off the hook. To top it all off, my ex, Jon, and Tom's ex, Michelle, who I loathe and who feels pretty much the same about me, have become close friends. I can predict how this will end. A lonely sixteen-year-old and a aggressive, hormone driven seventeen-year-old who has always admitted to me that he believed Michelle to be attractive. It's disgusting. It makes me want to throw up all my mexican food on the spot. I miss those short begining weeks of December when things seemed to be working out so perfectly.
I've become close friends with one of Tom's oldest friends, Alex. He's a great guy for the most part. I can tell he genuinely cares. And he's trying to help me along, even though he's not any better off. He takes Ambien along with so many other anti-depressants that I'm surprised the guy can even speak properly. Our friendship has had some awkward ups and downs, though he probably didn't notice them as well as I did. There was a period of a week where I wanted to be so close to him it hurt, though I knew it was more my loneliness than actual interest in him. It ended with a kiss on the cheek. Now we are on a rocky path, him trying to deal with my depression and his own. I know I don't make it easier on him, but I don't want to become as fake as I was in New York. That'll lead me down the wrong road. There are days I think of ending it, and then others that I suddenly have enough energy to come up with all these elaborate plans for the day. And then there are ones where I feel like calling up certain people to obtain more of what lead me here in the first place.
School and my GED hav been put on the backburner for now, sadly enough. I can't concentrate on anything. Everything is a blur of time and sleep and alarm clocks going off for work. I know I'm going nowhere, but where else is there to go?
I keep dreaming that I meet him when we were both younger. Like I had never gone to NYC and stayed in San Diego and met up with him and had this awesome friendship and saved him from a life of addiction. I think this comes from the fact that everyone tells me he was an addict and would of ended up this way whether or not I had come along. It makes me so happy in the dream to see him. I can actually feel my heart lift, and I can actually experience pure joy for minute. Until I wake up.
In reality everything seems so dull. Work keeps me busy or else I'm afraid that I would fall into a pit of darkness and not be able to find a way out. My family... my mother, sister and so-called dad, are worse off than ever. My mom is stuck in Canada with no money and with a guy who's forcing her in alcohol abuse and debt. My sister is still in a group home with no one that truly loves her or really believes in what she's capable of. And my father has finally found a way to stop all payments of child support to my mother, which puts her at an even worse state.
All the friends I made here in San Diego have pretty much abandoned me. They believe that I'm culpable for Tom's death, and no matter what they tell me I can see it in their eyes and how they act around me that in no way am I off the hook. To top it all off, my ex, Jon, and Tom's ex, Michelle, who I loathe and who feels pretty much the same about me, have become close friends. I can predict how this will end. A lonely sixteen-year-old and a aggressive, hormone driven seventeen-year-old who has always admitted to me that he believed Michelle to be attractive. It's disgusting. It makes me want to throw up all my mexican food on the spot. I miss those short begining weeks of December when things seemed to be working out so perfectly.
I've become close friends with one of Tom's oldest friends, Alex. He's a great guy for the most part. I can tell he genuinely cares. And he's trying to help me along, even though he's not any better off. He takes Ambien along with so many other anti-depressants that I'm surprised the guy can even speak properly. Our friendship has had some awkward ups and downs, though he probably didn't notice them as well as I did. There was a period of a week where I wanted to be so close to him it hurt, though I knew it was more my loneliness than actual interest in him. It ended with a kiss on the cheek. Now we are on a rocky path, him trying to deal with my depression and his own. I know I don't make it easier on him, but I don't want to become as fake as I was in New York. That'll lead me down the wrong road. There are days I think of ending it, and then others that I suddenly have enough energy to come up with all these elaborate plans for the day. And then there are ones where I feel like calling up certain people to obtain more of what lead me here in the first place.
School and my GED hav been put on the backburner for now, sadly enough. I can't concentrate on anything. Everything is a blur of time and sleep and alarm clocks going off for work. I know I'm going nowhere, but where else is there to go?