Trust
I wake up empty with a small feeling like it's just going to get worse. I'm just waiting and waiting until inevitably it's going to get worse. I can't understand what this feeling is about. I thought abilify was working, but now I'm not so sure. I don't feel so angry anymore, but I'm hopeless.
I keep wondering where this is stemming from and how to get over it. I exercise, I try to give back to society, I have friends and visit family often. I keep thinking it's got to be the nonverbal learning disability, but not all people who have this are suicidal. Is it that I can't work? Is it that I can't succeed in school? Is it my past?
Sitting in class is an extremely emotional thing. Memories of IEPs where Mom and Dad would sit in the room tense as nails trying not to attack each other after five years of divorce. Mom subtly asking me if Dad sexually abused me. That has been lodged in my brain forever it seems like. Dad telling me Mom is abusive and mean. I don't totally trust either one of them. I have no idea what is the truth.
And now... I have this beautiful apartment fully paid for and I can't stand being alone. All of these thoughts eat me alive until I have no energy. It sounds stupid. My life is a nice life, but I don't enjoy it.
I keep wondering where this is stemming from and how to get over it. I exercise, I try to give back to society, I have friends and visit family often. I keep thinking it's got to be the nonverbal learning disability, but not all people who have this are suicidal. Is it that I can't work? Is it that I can't succeed in school? Is it my past?
Sitting in class is an extremely emotional thing. Memories of IEPs where Mom and Dad would sit in the room tense as nails trying not to attack each other after five years of divorce. Mom subtly asking me if Dad sexually abused me. That has been lodged in my brain forever it seems like. Dad telling me Mom is abusive and mean. I don't totally trust either one of them. I have no idea what is the truth.
And now... I have this beautiful apartment fully paid for and I can't stand being alone. All of these thoughts eat me alive until I have no energy. It sounds stupid. My life is a nice life, but I don't enjoy it.