My First Story....
So this is the first time I've EVER completed a fanfiction and it seems appropriate that its a FLASHPOINT one. With the urging of faithbeckett to post this I thought of this community right away. I am very anxious so feedback (good or bad) would be fantastic.
Title: BACKWARDS DAY RE-VAMPED
Author: Spiritmage83
Rating: PG
Story Summary: Greg's thoughts at the end of episode BACKWARDS DAY.
Spoilers: Anything up until BACKWARDS DAY.
Author Notes: Slight Ed/Greg but only hints. Don't like - Don't read. They don't belong to me - I just get to play with them for a while.
I can read Eddie like a book. If nothing else is gleaned from this story, let that be enough.
I’ve known our current Team Leader, Officer Ed Lane, for close to 12 years now. He came to Team One about a year after I did and we were friends from the get-go. We’ve been a team for so long that we are often and good-naturedly accused of being the ‘old married couple’. There is truth in that statement in that we sometimes see more of each other than we do our families. But in our line of work, it’s imperative that we know our partners. Knowing each other’s movements, moods, ways of thinking and reactions is necessary to going home alive and safe. On any given day, whether we’re saving the world or managing a transfer, I can tell you with almost absolute certainty where Eddie will be. The answer is usually a simple one, ‘watching my back’.
So how well do I really know Officer Ed Lane and why does it matter? Because the team needs him; I need him. Let me explain this. Ed is mad at me. He doesn’t come right out and express it with his words but I can see it. The signs are there in his body posture - standing on the opposite end of the briefing table, hands griping his vest, muscles tense, his strong jaw locked, blue eyes pointedly looking away from me. But the most telling sign is his silence; not just with me but with the team. He hasn’t offered any opinion, praise or censure, at all. And I know that his whole issue with how today ended boils down to me. I pulled rank and that hurt him. I knew he was angry then too; the way he said ‘yes sir’ before heading towards the truck. From there things went from bad to worse.
Our subject was a woman named Sarah Scott holding another woman, named Hannah Murray, hostage in the Scott’s home. Sarah was convinced that her husband, Josh, was cheating on her with this woman; this turned out to be semi-true but that’s a moot point. Because of an incident that morning while he was doing target practice, I was certain that Ed needed a break from running Tactical. So I made him cover intelligence and scripting from the TacTruck; my usual spot. Now, I’m not stupid. I knew pulling rank would tick him off and it did. But Ed isn’t stupid either so, instead of arguing with me, he gave me a curt, ‘yes sir’ and did as he was told. We’ve both been in this job long enough to know dissension in the ranks can cause fractioning of the team which could be deadly in the field. So he put his emotions on hold, went to the truck, and we got on with the job. However, with how the day ended, he might be justified in his anger.
I had Sam running the negotiations. He’s much improved from the war vet rookie he was when he first started with us at connecting with the subjects. And, with Ed in the truck, I would need my head free to be able to run the tactical portion of the job. Sam did great at trying to talk Sarah down. He had a connection and was working with her husband to try and reason with her. She was almost there when Hannah, being justifiably frightened, decided to seize the moment and try to get away; injuring Sarah in the process with the very knife she was being held with. We’re still waiting for the hospital to call and tell us how Sarah is doing. I know you’re probably wondering why this is important to the story but I assure you it is. The reason Eddie is mad at me is because he agrees with Jules.
Our team is gathered around the station’s briefing table. We’re reviewing the case file before I sign off on it and send it for review and records. This review is taking longer than usual. Jules has been arguing the decisions made on this case since we started the debriefing. She is convinced that her tactical plan was better suited for ending the engagement peacefully rather than continuing to negotiate. She has been, very vehemently, telling us where we all went wrong. Her plan was solid and I have no doubt it would have worked as well but I still think continuing to talk was a better plan than an explosive entry. I usually always ‘back’ negotiations rather then running the risk of them being injured through tactical means. Eddie usually backs my play; but not this time. This time Eddie disagrees with me. He backs Jules’s plan. But he won’t come out and say it. Instead, he hasn’t said a word since we came back. Jules keeps going.
“This didn’t have to happen. This did NOT have to happen.” Jules says with conviction. She has the transcript of today’s job in front of her. We’ve been going round and round about the decision to negotiate rather than tactical entry. We seem to be stuck in a stand still that I just don’t know how to get out of. I try, once again, to pacify her so we can move on.
“There are always variables that we can’t anticipate.” I say.
Jules looks to me for support in her argument. I think there is a type of father complex linked with me from some of the team; Jules especially. I’ve been guilty of referring to the team as a family so I suppose it would be only natural for them to think of me as the father figure. But I have to remind myself that this team needs a leader first and a father second; especially now.
“But Sarge, we could have saved them both.” Jules calls my mind back into the present. Before I can answer, Sam butts in.
“There’s no way we could know.” Ever the military man, Sam stays firm in his decision. He very much believes he recommended the correct course of action. I am inclined to agree except… I can still hear Eddie’s voice in my head telling me to go tactical.
Jules is determined to make her point and convince us she is right. Two of the things that makes Jules who she is, are her tenacity and her convictions. She and Sam battle back & forth and I let my mind wander from the battle of wills this has become. I don’t fault Jules for being upset. We never like it when we can’t save a life. It’s usually only the bad days that stick with us. The victims we fail to save, the person who feels they have no other solution than to take someone’s life, the children that fall victim to their parents’ own neglect, and the list goes on. I know Eddie is especially attuned to it; like me. It’s a burden we share only with each other. He doesn’t talk about how this job effects him to anyone; not really. Sophie can usually tell when he’s had one of ‘those’ days and just sits with him. But on the very rare occasion that Sophie isn’t enough, I’ll open my door at 10pm to find Eddie silently asking for entry. Now, though, he can’t even look at me. I cast my gaze to the rest of the room.
I can see the rest of the team is just waiting for this to end. They are frustrated, sure, but they aren’t willing (yet) to get in the middle of Jules’s tirade. They are waiting for this to be done with so they can go home and deal with this day in their own ways.
Jules is still fired up and I’m not sure how to end this. I look to Eddie for support but he is still avoiding my gaze. He sighs and that, at least, lets me know that he is getting tired of the run-around as well but is letting it play out. I’m not sure if it’s for the team’s benefit of for mine. Jules has been reading from the transcript for a little while now and Sam is still defending his position. They seem to be having this argument between themselves; only looking to the rest of us when they want to make their point. Eddie stays silent and lets the team get out their frustrations. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s allowing them to vent so we can move forward. Or maybe, and more likely at this point, he’s letting me have a taste of what he goes through when there are issues among the team. Maybe this is his brand of justice.
Jules continues from the transcript.
“‘Subject was lying prone on the floor; a knife wound to the chest.’”
I’m getting tired of this. It’s getting late and this arguing isn’t solving anything.
“We know, Jules. We were there.” I try.
“11:17 - ‘Subject in critical condition; taken to hospital.’” No such luck. I again look to Eddie, silently pleading. He’s still not jumping in but this time I really need my Team Leader. This is why I rely on him so desperately. I need him to make this ok. But it appears as if he’s not willing to give in to cooler heads. We’ll just have to work this out without him - for now. But Wordy has had enough too. The rest of the team is getting involved now.
“We Were There,” Wordy says. Jules isn’t deterred.
“I had eyes in. There was time to get in. The knife was Down.”
“And then the hostage escalated,” Sam throws at her.
“Which she wouldn’t have if we had already gone in,” Jules throws back. And there lies the point; that critical moment when I had to decide which path to take. And the team knows it. They allow a pause to fill the air; an impasse having been met. I try to end this argument so we can go home and come back to work with cooler heads.
“Sam, you were the negotiator. It’s you right to call it how you see it.” I then turn to the rest of the team.
“We can’t second guess whether an earlier tactical response might have had a different outcome.” I’m hoping that will be the end of it. I’m ready to go home. I need to make peace with Eddie and get out of here. Tonight would be one of those nights, like so long ago, where I would find myself at the bottom of a bottle. But no such luck… It’s Wordy this time.
“Due respect, sir, but it came down to ‘talk’ or ‘tactics’ and you’re the one that called ‘talk’.”
I’m slightly taken aback that Wordy called me out in front of the team. He’s right of course. I can’t deny him that. But the decision was still mine to make.
“That’s right.” Where is he going with this?
“Because, maybe, that’s the call a negotiator would make.” Wordy finishes. I want to disagree with him. Tell him that I made the call that would have been more beneficial to a peaceful solution. But, unfortunately, I can see what he’s saying. And now it really hits me. Did I make that call as the negotiator instead of being the team leader? Did I make the right call? Should I have gone tactical? Would it really have made a difference? Would Sarah Scott have been better off if I hadn’t been running tactical today? Luckily, I’m saved from my internal second guesses by Spike - who jumps to my defense.
“Whoa! Whoa!” Spike sits up in his seat where he has been lounging, listening to the argument.
Wordy is quick to defend himself.
“Look, I’m just saying, all right? I want to know what Ed would have done.”
And there it is. Wordy has succeeded where all my silent urgings have failed. He has managed to get Ed engaged in the conversation. I see the subtle shifts in body poster - the relaxing of the shoulders - which hints that Ed is giving serious thought as to what we are discussing. But before he can say anything, Spike is defending me again.
“It was the Sarge’s call,” he says this conviction. My loyal Michelangelo Scarlatti. His big brown eyes are staring Wordy down. Then Lou throws his hat in the ring.
“I want to know too.”
There’s that pause again. The entire team is waiting for Eddie to tell them who was right. Eddie has the chance to make this all go away or throw Sam, Spike, and me under the bus. For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what he’ll do. I know he’s angry with me and, with my sudden realization, maybe he has every right to be.
I finally get it. I look to Eddie to make the right decision. I trust him to do what’s best for the hostage as well as the team. I’ve trusted his judgment for the better part of the five years he’s been Team Leader. Why did I doubt him today? Why, after all this time of knowing Eddie - ‘trusting’ Eddie - did I think I could do his job better? Today should have gone better. Maybe it would have if I had kept Eddie where the team needed him.
Eddie glances around the room and finally gives his opinion. His words have a finality to them that mine lacked.
“Sometimes you do everything right. Things still go wrong. That’s the job. Situation was gray; the boss made a ‘black and white’ call. We saved the hostage, Period.”
There it is. The point I was looking for but managed to miss. The rest of the team is silent; absorbing their Team Leader’s words. I can see Sam and Jules exchange looks. I don’t know if they agree or not but I can tell they heard the words. I look at Eddie, not really sure what to say, and for the first time tonight, he finally looks me in the eye. His eyes are blank. I can usually read them so well. And yet, for the first time in five years, I don’t know where we stand. That’s an unnerving feeling.
In the sudden silence, the back door of the briefing room opens to admit Keira. She pauses at the door; wary in response to the tense silence.
“Uh - sorry. The hospital just called; Sarah Scott. Doctors got her stabilized; she’s going to be all right.” Keira informs us.
I can literally feel the room relax a little with the news. I turn to look at Keira over my shoulder.
“That’s great, Keira. Thanks for letting us know”
She gives a small ‘ok’ and closes the door behind her. The rest of the room stays quiet; no one ready to break the silence in the wake of the good news. I again look at my team; arguing with myself if I would still make the same choice. I was so sure in the field. Now, not so much.
Spike finally breaks the silence we’re all caught in.
“Ok then. That’s good,” he says as he looks at each one of us. “Right?”
I look to my best friend but he’s back to avoiding my gaze again. So, apparently, we’re not so good. Enough for one night; time to go home.
“All right; that’s it for tonight. Everyone go home.”
I dismiss them and they silently make their way out of the briefing room. All except Eddie; he’s still leaning against the far wall, eyes on the floor. I shift my weight and turn to look at him. He raises his head. Our eyes meet and I can see the anger there but I also see regret; sadness maybe. I’m sure he can see the battle going on behind my eyes. As well as I know Eddie, he knows me. I hang my head and let out a sigh before I move towards the table. I’m not ready to get into our issues right now. I’m still going back and forth over my decisions. Was Sarah’s injury my fault? Should I have given the order to go tactical? Was it right of me to pull Eddie? All we needed was a few more minutes and I’m sure we could have got her to come out on her own; right?
Ed stays still for a few seconds, watching me gather up all the papers, pictures, and the transcript before moving towards the door on his way to the locker rooms. He doesn’t say anything. This isn’t us. We usually give each other space when we’ve had a bad day but this feels different. Something has definitely changed. I just wish I knew when it did. When did I stop trusting Eddie?
I stop what I’m doing. I just freeze where I’m standing; my hand hovering above the table holding pictures of Hannah Murray’s injuries. Is that the issue here? Do I no longer trust Ed Lane? Is that the reason Sarah Scott came out on a stretcher rather than walking? Am I to blame for this whole day just because I didn’t trust Eddie’s judgment? Is that really it?
No. I trust Ed Lane with everything; my secrets, my anger, my life. So what was my problem today? We all have ‘off’ days and I don’t feel the need to pull the others out of their duties. What is so different about Eddie? My brain calls up a memory from years ago and I quickly shake my head to clear it. I’ve done this so many times over the years that it’s become second nature. I refuse to think about those moments of weakness.
I force myself back to the present and continue packing up the day’s paperwork. I focus my mind on it. Today was not a great day but Eddie is right; we saved the hostage. That’s the job. But I’ll make sure next week goes better. I’ve learned my lesson. Eddie needs to be back where he belongs and I need to do what I do best… working alongside Ed to get the job done right. It’s better for the public.
I’m just putting the last of the days events into the steel file case when feel Eddie walk into the room. That’s not something I can explain. I just know it’s him. I hear the sound of his shoes on the tiled floor. I smell the soft scent of his cologne that gets blown in by the air vents. But most of all, it’s this feeling; this warm, familiar feeling that tingles up my arms to the hairs on the back of my neck. I’ve gotten used to that sensation… I like that sensation. It somehow comforts as much as it used to unnerve me.
I continue with the case file, not even looking up when he walks up to my right side and taps his hand nervously on the table top. He’s dressed in his civvies and that great wool coat that Sophie bought him for Christmas two years ago. I realize I’ve been here a while when I smell the soft hint of soap under his cologne. It’s been long enough for Eddie to shower apparently. He finally speaks up.
“We need to talk.”
I pause for the briefest of moments before placing the script into the case. I’m frustrated with today. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated that he’s standing here trying to make peace while I’m swimming in self-doubt. So my words probably come out harsher than I mean them.
“Take a number.” I say.
He taps the table again and I know that he realizes now might not be the best time. And as he moves away with a soft, “All right,” and a, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I know that he’s willing to let it go… for me… for us. He knows me well enough to know that I’ll stew about it for a bit them come find him. It’s another reminder of why I rely on Eddie so much. He keeps me sane. He keeps us all sane. I don’t think it’s very fair. He never really goes to anyone when he needs help but I wouldn’t give him up for anything. I stop with the file and turn towards him before he’s out the door.
“Hey, Eddie.”
He stops and turns back; looking at me expectantly. I can almost see the hint of a smile there; Bastard. He knew I wouldn’t let this go. But I sober up and get to what I really need to say. This is my fault and I need him to realize how sorry I am; for snapping at him just now and… for today.
Now I’m the one who can’t look him in the eye.
“I’m sorry. Today should have gone better. You - need to be back where you belong; team needs you back…”
I manage to look him in the eyes; showing the sincerity in my statement Unspoken are the words ‘I need you back’. I can tell he knows they’re there but lets the moment go. He unconsciously takes a step closer to me; closing the gap. I take that as a sign of him bridging the gap that has plagued us today. We’re working this out. He waits a beat; just staying in the moment he’s created for us for a second.
“I’m thinking I’m - I’m gonna get Soph, I’m gonna get Clark. I’m gonna go up and a cottage. You know, regroup.” He looks me in the eye. “Like you said.”
He took my feelings from this morning to heart. Now, he is using that conversation to our benefit. This is his way of pulling back or giving me an out; emotionally if not physically. He’s asking me to make the next move. I do the best thing for us. I smile and take a small step to the side towards the table. I know this dance well and so does Ed. It doesn’t go past here. Well, VERY rarely does it go past here.
“That’s great,” I say as I start to gather the rest of the papers and put them in the case.
“That’s great.” The repeat shows more than I want it to. Ed chooses to ignore it. I grab the case off the briefing table and move to exit the room. Ed follows at my side.
“You know, unless you feel useless or something, without me.” He smirks. He reaches up and lays a hand on my back. It’s this small gesture, one of many, that lets me know so much. In that hand laying there, Ed is telling me we’re ok. We’ll continue to be ok.
And that’s all I can truly ask for.
Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you thought!
Title: BACKWARDS DAY RE-VAMPED
Author: Spiritmage83
Rating: PG
Story Summary: Greg's thoughts at the end of episode BACKWARDS DAY.
Spoilers: Anything up until BACKWARDS DAY.
Author Notes: Slight Ed/Greg but only hints. Don't like - Don't read. They don't belong to me - I just get to play with them for a while.
I can read Eddie like a book. If nothing else is gleaned from this story, let that be enough.
I’ve known our current Team Leader, Officer Ed Lane, for close to 12 years now. He came to Team One about a year after I did and we were friends from the get-go. We’ve been a team for so long that we are often and good-naturedly accused of being the ‘old married couple’. There is truth in that statement in that we sometimes see more of each other than we do our families. But in our line of work, it’s imperative that we know our partners. Knowing each other’s movements, moods, ways of thinking and reactions is necessary to going home alive and safe. On any given day, whether we’re saving the world or managing a transfer, I can tell you with almost absolute certainty where Eddie will be. The answer is usually a simple one, ‘watching my back’.
So how well do I really know Officer Ed Lane and why does it matter? Because the team needs him; I need him. Let me explain this. Ed is mad at me. He doesn’t come right out and express it with his words but I can see it. The signs are there in his body posture - standing on the opposite end of the briefing table, hands griping his vest, muscles tense, his strong jaw locked, blue eyes pointedly looking away from me. But the most telling sign is his silence; not just with me but with the team. He hasn’t offered any opinion, praise or censure, at all. And I know that his whole issue with how today ended boils down to me. I pulled rank and that hurt him. I knew he was angry then too; the way he said ‘yes sir’ before heading towards the truck. From there things went from bad to worse.
Our subject was a woman named Sarah Scott holding another woman, named Hannah Murray, hostage in the Scott’s home. Sarah was convinced that her husband, Josh, was cheating on her with this woman; this turned out to be semi-true but that’s a moot point. Because of an incident that morning while he was doing target practice, I was certain that Ed needed a break from running Tactical. So I made him cover intelligence and scripting from the TacTruck; my usual spot. Now, I’m not stupid. I knew pulling rank would tick him off and it did. But Ed isn’t stupid either so, instead of arguing with me, he gave me a curt, ‘yes sir’ and did as he was told. We’ve both been in this job long enough to know dissension in the ranks can cause fractioning of the team which could be deadly in the field. So he put his emotions on hold, went to the truck, and we got on with the job. However, with how the day ended, he might be justified in his anger.
I had Sam running the negotiations. He’s much improved from the war vet rookie he was when he first started with us at connecting with the subjects. And, with Ed in the truck, I would need my head free to be able to run the tactical portion of the job. Sam did great at trying to talk Sarah down. He had a connection and was working with her husband to try and reason with her. She was almost there when Hannah, being justifiably frightened, decided to seize the moment and try to get away; injuring Sarah in the process with the very knife she was being held with. We’re still waiting for the hospital to call and tell us how Sarah is doing. I know you’re probably wondering why this is important to the story but I assure you it is. The reason Eddie is mad at me is because he agrees with Jules.
Our team is gathered around the station’s briefing table. We’re reviewing the case file before I sign off on it and send it for review and records. This review is taking longer than usual. Jules has been arguing the decisions made on this case since we started the debriefing. She is convinced that her tactical plan was better suited for ending the engagement peacefully rather than continuing to negotiate. She has been, very vehemently, telling us where we all went wrong. Her plan was solid and I have no doubt it would have worked as well but I still think continuing to talk was a better plan than an explosive entry. I usually always ‘back’ negotiations rather then running the risk of them being injured through tactical means. Eddie usually backs my play; but not this time. This time Eddie disagrees with me. He backs Jules’s plan. But he won’t come out and say it. Instead, he hasn’t said a word since we came back. Jules keeps going.
“This didn’t have to happen. This did NOT have to happen.” Jules says with conviction. She has the transcript of today’s job in front of her. We’ve been going round and round about the decision to negotiate rather than tactical entry. We seem to be stuck in a stand still that I just don’t know how to get out of. I try, once again, to pacify her so we can move on.
“There are always variables that we can’t anticipate.” I say.
Jules looks to me for support in her argument. I think there is a type of father complex linked with me from some of the team; Jules especially. I’ve been guilty of referring to the team as a family so I suppose it would be only natural for them to think of me as the father figure. But I have to remind myself that this team needs a leader first and a father second; especially now.
“But Sarge, we could have saved them both.” Jules calls my mind back into the present. Before I can answer, Sam butts in.
“There’s no way we could know.” Ever the military man, Sam stays firm in his decision. He very much believes he recommended the correct course of action. I am inclined to agree except… I can still hear Eddie’s voice in my head telling me to go tactical.
Jules is determined to make her point and convince us she is right. Two of the things that makes Jules who she is, are her tenacity and her convictions. She and Sam battle back & forth and I let my mind wander from the battle of wills this has become. I don’t fault Jules for being upset. We never like it when we can’t save a life. It’s usually only the bad days that stick with us. The victims we fail to save, the person who feels they have no other solution than to take someone’s life, the children that fall victim to their parents’ own neglect, and the list goes on. I know Eddie is especially attuned to it; like me. It’s a burden we share only with each other. He doesn’t talk about how this job effects him to anyone; not really. Sophie can usually tell when he’s had one of ‘those’ days and just sits with him. But on the very rare occasion that Sophie isn’t enough, I’ll open my door at 10pm to find Eddie silently asking for entry. Now, though, he can’t even look at me. I cast my gaze to the rest of the room.
I can see the rest of the team is just waiting for this to end. They are frustrated, sure, but they aren’t willing (yet) to get in the middle of Jules’s tirade. They are waiting for this to be done with so they can go home and deal with this day in their own ways.
Jules is still fired up and I’m not sure how to end this. I look to Eddie for support but he is still avoiding my gaze. He sighs and that, at least, lets me know that he is getting tired of the run-around as well but is letting it play out. I’m not sure if it’s for the team’s benefit of for mine. Jules has been reading from the transcript for a little while now and Sam is still defending his position. They seem to be having this argument between themselves; only looking to the rest of us when they want to make their point. Eddie stays silent and lets the team get out their frustrations. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s allowing them to vent so we can move forward. Or maybe, and more likely at this point, he’s letting me have a taste of what he goes through when there are issues among the team. Maybe this is his brand of justice.
Jules continues from the transcript.
“‘Subject was lying prone on the floor; a knife wound to the chest.’”
I’m getting tired of this. It’s getting late and this arguing isn’t solving anything.
“We know, Jules. We were there.” I try.
“11:17 - ‘Subject in critical condition; taken to hospital.’” No such luck. I again look to Eddie, silently pleading. He’s still not jumping in but this time I really need my Team Leader. This is why I rely on him so desperately. I need him to make this ok. But it appears as if he’s not willing to give in to cooler heads. We’ll just have to work this out without him - for now. But Wordy has had enough too. The rest of the team is getting involved now.
“We Were There,” Wordy says. Jules isn’t deterred.
“I had eyes in. There was time to get in. The knife was Down.”
“And then the hostage escalated,” Sam throws at her.
“Which she wouldn’t have if we had already gone in,” Jules throws back. And there lies the point; that critical moment when I had to decide which path to take. And the team knows it. They allow a pause to fill the air; an impasse having been met. I try to end this argument so we can go home and come back to work with cooler heads.
“Sam, you were the negotiator. It’s you right to call it how you see it.” I then turn to the rest of the team.
“We can’t second guess whether an earlier tactical response might have had a different outcome.” I’m hoping that will be the end of it. I’m ready to go home. I need to make peace with Eddie and get out of here. Tonight would be one of those nights, like so long ago, where I would find myself at the bottom of a bottle. But no such luck… It’s Wordy this time.
“Due respect, sir, but it came down to ‘talk’ or ‘tactics’ and you’re the one that called ‘talk’.”
I’m slightly taken aback that Wordy called me out in front of the team. He’s right of course. I can’t deny him that. But the decision was still mine to make.
“That’s right.” Where is he going with this?
“Because, maybe, that’s the call a negotiator would make.” Wordy finishes. I want to disagree with him. Tell him that I made the call that would have been more beneficial to a peaceful solution. But, unfortunately, I can see what he’s saying. And now it really hits me. Did I make that call as the negotiator instead of being the team leader? Did I make the right call? Should I have gone tactical? Would it really have made a difference? Would Sarah Scott have been better off if I hadn’t been running tactical today? Luckily, I’m saved from my internal second guesses by Spike - who jumps to my defense.
“Whoa! Whoa!” Spike sits up in his seat where he has been lounging, listening to the argument.
Wordy is quick to defend himself.
“Look, I’m just saying, all right? I want to know what Ed would have done.”
And there it is. Wordy has succeeded where all my silent urgings have failed. He has managed to get Ed engaged in the conversation. I see the subtle shifts in body poster - the relaxing of the shoulders - which hints that Ed is giving serious thought as to what we are discussing. But before he can say anything, Spike is defending me again.
“It was the Sarge’s call,” he says this conviction. My loyal Michelangelo Scarlatti. His big brown eyes are staring Wordy down. Then Lou throws his hat in the ring.
“I want to know too.”
There’s that pause again. The entire team is waiting for Eddie to tell them who was right. Eddie has the chance to make this all go away or throw Sam, Spike, and me under the bus. For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what he’ll do. I know he’s angry with me and, with my sudden realization, maybe he has every right to be.
I finally get it. I look to Eddie to make the right decision. I trust him to do what’s best for the hostage as well as the team. I’ve trusted his judgment for the better part of the five years he’s been Team Leader. Why did I doubt him today? Why, after all this time of knowing Eddie - ‘trusting’ Eddie - did I think I could do his job better? Today should have gone better. Maybe it would have if I had kept Eddie where the team needed him.
Eddie glances around the room and finally gives his opinion. His words have a finality to them that mine lacked.
“Sometimes you do everything right. Things still go wrong. That’s the job. Situation was gray; the boss made a ‘black and white’ call. We saved the hostage, Period.”
There it is. The point I was looking for but managed to miss. The rest of the team is silent; absorbing their Team Leader’s words. I can see Sam and Jules exchange looks. I don’t know if they agree or not but I can tell they heard the words. I look at Eddie, not really sure what to say, and for the first time tonight, he finally looks me in the eye. His eyes are blank. I can usually read them so well. And yet, for the first time in five years, I don’t know where we stand. That’s an unnerving feeling.
In the sudden silence, the back door of the briefing room opens to admit Keira. She pauses at the door; wary in response to the tense silence.
“Uh - sorry. The hospital just called; Sarah Scott. Doctors got her stabilized; she’s going to be all right.” Keira informs us.
I can literally feel the room relax a little with the news. I turn to look at Keira over my shoulder.
“That’s great, Keira. Thanks for letting us know”
She gives a small ‘ok’ and closes the door behind her. The rest of the room stays quiet; no one ready to break the silence in the wake of the good news. I again look at my team; arguing with myself if I would still make the same choice. I was so sure in the field. Now, not so much.
Spike finally breaks the silence we’re all caught in.
“Ok then. That’s good,” he says as he looks at each one of us. “Right?”
I look to my best friend but he’s back to avoiding my gaze again. So, apparently, we’re not so good. Enough for one night; time to go home.
“All right; that’s it for tonight. Everyone go home.”
I dismiss them and they silently make their way out of the briefing room. All except Eddie; he’s still leaning against the far wall, eyes on the floor. I shift my weight and turn to look at him. He raises his head. Our eyes meet and I can see the anger there but I also see regret; sadness maybe. I’m sure he can see the battle going on behind my eyes. As well as I know Eddie, he knows me. I hang my head and let out a sigh before I move towards the table. I’m not ready to get into our issues right now. I’m still going back and forth over my decisions. Was Sarah’s injury my fault? Should I have given the order to go tactical? Was it right of me to pull Eddie? All we needed was a few more minutes and I’m sure we could have got her to come out on her own; right?
Ed stays still for a few seconds, watching me gather up all the papers, pictures, and the transcript before moving towards the door on his way to the locker rooms. He doesn’t say anything. This isn’t us. We usually give each other space when we’ve had a bad day but this feels different. Something has definitely changed. I just wish I knew when it did. When did I stop trusting Eddie?
I stop what I’m doing. I just freeze where I’m standing; my hand hovering above the table holding pictures of Hannah Murray’s injuries. Is that the issue here? Do I no longer trust Ed Lane? Is that the reason Sarah Scott came out on a stretcher rather than walking? Am I to blame for this whole day just because I didn’t trust Eddie’s judgment? Is that really it?
No. I trust Ed Lane with everything; my secrets, my anger, my life. So what was my problem today? We all have ‘off’ days and I don’t feel the need to pull the others out of their duties. What is so different about Eddie? My brain calls up a memory from years ago and I quickly shake my head to clear it. I’ve done this so many times over the years that it’s become second nature. I refuse to think about those moments of weakness.
I force myself back to the present and continue packing up the day’s paperwork. I focus my mind on it. Today was not a great day but Eddie is right; we saved the hostage. That’s the job. But I’ll make sure next week goes better. I’ve learned my lesson. Eddie needs to be back where he belongs and I need to do what I do best… working alongside Ed to get the job done right. It’s better for the public.
I’m just putting the last of the days events into the steel file case when feel Eddie walk into the room. That’s not something I can explain. I just know it’s him. I hear the sound of his shoes on the tiled floor. I smell the soft scent of his cologne that gets blown in by the air vents. But most of all, it’s this feeling; this warm, familiar feeling that tingles up my arms to the hairs on the back of my neck. I’ve gotten used to that sensation… I like that sensation. It somehow comforts as much as it used to unnerve me.
I continue with the case file, not even looking up when he walks up to my right side and taps his hand nervously on the table top. He’s dressed in his civvies and that great wool coat that Sophie bought him for Christmas two years ago. I realize I’ve been here a while when I smell the soft hint of soap under his cologne. It’s been long enough for Eddie to shower apparently. He finally speaks up.
“We need to talk.”
I pause for the briefest of moments before placing the script into the case. I’m frustrated with today. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated that he’s standing here trying to make peace while I’m swimming in self-doubt. So my words probably come out harsher than I mean them.
“Take a number.” I say.
He taps the table again and I know that he realizes now might not be the best time. And as he moves away with a soft, “All right,” and a, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I know that he’s willing to let it go… for me… for us. He knows me well enough to know that I’ll stew about it for a bit them come find him. It’s another reminder of why I rely on Eddie so much. He keeps me sane. He keeps us all sane. I don’t think it’s very fair. He never really goes to anyone when he needs help but I wouldn’t give him up for anything. I stop with the file and turn towards him before he’s out the door.
“Hey, Eddie.”
He stops and turns back; looking at me expectantly. I can almost see the hint of a smile there; Bastard. He knew I wouldn’t let this go. But I sober up and get to what I really need to say. This is my fault and I need him to realize how sorry I am; for snapping at him just now and… for today.
Now I’m the one who can’t look him in the eye.
“I’m sorry. Today should have gone better. You - need to be back where you belong; team needs you back…”
I manage to look him in the eyes; showing the sincerity in my statement Unspoken are the words ‘I need you back’. I can tell he knows they’re there but lets the moment go. He unconsciously takes a step closer to me; closing the gap. I take that as a sign of him bridging the gap that has plagued us today. We’re working this out. He waits a beat; just staying in the moment he’s created for us for a second.
“I’m thinking I’m - I’m gonna get Soph, I’m gonna get Clark. I’m gonna go up and a cottage. You know, regroup.” He looks me in the eye. “Like you said.”
He took my feelings from this morning to heart. Now, he is using that conversation to our benefit. This is his way of pulling back or giving me an out; emotionally if not physically. He’s asking me to make the next move. I do the best thing for us. I smile and take a small step to the side towards the table. I know this dance well and so does Ed. It doesn’t go past here. Well, VERY rarely does it go past here.
“That’s great,” I say as I start to gather the rest of the papers and put them in the case.
“That’s great.” The repeat shows more than I want it to. Ed chooses to ignore it. I grab the case off the briefing table and move to exit the room. Ed follows at my side.
“You know, unless you feel useless or something, without me.” He smirks. He reaches up and lays a hand on my back. It’s this small gesture, one of many, that lets me know so much. In that hand laying there, Ed is telling me we’re ok. We’ll continue to be ok.
And that’s all I can truly ask for.
Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you thought!