All That I'm Asking For [Skins; Emily/Naomi]
Title: All That I’m Asking For
Pairing: Emily/Naomi
Rating: R
Word Count: 4, 751
Disclaimer: None of the Skins characters belong to me; I’m just borrowing them for a bit.
Summary: [Set post 4x03, through 4x04 with the deleted ‘hugging’ scene] - As she watches Emily turn away from her once more, now even restless in her sleep, Naomi knows that she didn’t just splash Emily, she damn well went and drowned her...
AN: Inspired by Cook’s speech to Naomi in 4x03 and the song ‘All That I’m Asking For’ from Lifehouse’s new album ‘Smoke & Mirrors’.
AN 2: Thanks to the always wonderful and lovely Flister who betaed this for me <3
‘Gravity pulls and we fall from the clouds
We prove to each other
That we're both human now
The time that we spent
Trying to make sense of it all
All that I'm asking for
Is that you need nothing more
And nothing comes in between
Our love and its fragile scene
All that I'm asking for
You're all that I'm asking for’
- Lifehouse - All That I’m Asking For
-----
Naomi doesn’t sleep anymore - can’t actually remember how long it’s been since she closed her eyes and didn’t see her.
It’s a nightmare that she can’t wake up from, she’s being haunted by Sophia and all that she’s done wrong; her mistakes catching up to her and pulling her down, rooting her to the spot and forcing her to face her demons in the light of day.
And even if she could sleep, Naomi knows that she wouldn’t because it’s only when the sun disappears for the day and envelops the world in darkness that she actually allows herself to look at her - the other her, the one that matters; Emily.
It’s the only chance she gets now, to look, to watch, to trail her eyes over every inch of Emily’s face and not have to flinch and turn away in guilt when she sees pained brown eyes staring back briefly before falling away from her face in disgust and disappointment.
It’s unbearable, the way that tears always sting at her eyes and slide down unwelcome onto her cheeks, her heart clenching tightly in her chest at the notion of being so close and yet so far away - she’s bleeding out and breaking and Naomi knows it’s all her own fault; she’s done this to herself.
She can hear the voice echoing in her head again - surprisingly always Cook’s and never Sophia’s - constantly repeating the same thing over: ‘The thing is Naomi, you splash about, other people get wet...’
As she watches Emily turn away from her once more, now even restless in her sleep, Naomi knows that she didn’t just splash Emily, she damn well went and drowned her.
-----
Emily’s struggling to surface; it’s the only explanation Naomi can conjure to fit Emily’s current actions.
The calm has passed; the silent suffering and daring but unavoidable glances have long gone and left behind a storm that rages with Emily’s blistering anger and open looks of loathing.
There’s still no talking between them, no words spoken that matter anyway, just Emily’s cutting tongue and piercing verbal attacks that Naomi stands and openly takes, knowing that she deserves to suffer each blow that Emily delivers down upon her.
And it’s a little frightening at times, to watch the gentle, delicate girl that she fell in love with slipping further and further away from her and knowing that she doesn’t have the right to try and save her, not anymore, not when she’s the reason behind Emily’s self-destruction.
Naomi knows she’s being pushed away and punished for what she’s done to them but it never stops her from aching for a single second when Emily - her eyes glazed over and her movements a little unsteady in a way that Naomi knows must mean alcohol and drugs are flowing heavily through her system - slams the door shut behind her and disappears into the night without a word to Naomi about when she’ll be back or if she’s even coming back to her at all.
She always does though, eventually, and Naomi feels relived and guilty and ashamed and crushed, every single time that Emily stumbles back into their house, her make-up smudged, her hair tangled, her clothes twisted and tattered and her eyes empty.
“What’re you fucking staring at?” Emily slurs at her one time - the sun just beginning to rise, the light peering through the window and glowing around her, the dark circles beneath her eyes more visible than ever. Her expression is blank as she passes Naomi on the stairs and for the first time heads straight passed their room and enters the guest room instead, shutting the door behind her with a deafening click.
It’s the only sign that Naomi needs in order to know that Emily hasn’t broken free yet.
-----
Naomi’s pretty sure that the Fitch family arriving on her doorstep, homeless and demanding to stay with them, is the truest, most blatant reminder of her sins to date.
And there’s no possible way she can turn them away because they are Emily’s family and as far as she knows she still is Emily’s girlfriend, and so maybe this is the world’s way of making her repent - with Jenna’s eyes boring into her skin and scorching, practically screaming, that she’s no good for Emily, and it makes Naomi want to throw them back out onto the street again because Jenna’s right. She’d been right all along and Naomi can’t bear having to swallow down the bitter and cruel defeat.
There’s no explanation that she can give for Emily’s absence and so she doesn’t say anything at all, just presents them with tea and garibaldis and acts as politely as she can, tries not to look either Jenna or Katie in the eye for too long in fear that all of the secrets she and Emily are keeping will be revealed.
She leaves them to it then, hides away and tries to avoid the inevitable chaos for as long as she can.
-----
Emily’s return comes sooner rather than later.
She crashes in through the front door, bellowing something unintelligible that Naomi can’t quite make out, alerting Naomi to her presence. And then, just like it has been for the last couple of weeks, Naomi feels her stomach knot at the sight of her - brown eyes that were once bright and sparkling now dark and bloodshot with the weight of all that has fallen down upon her and continues to slowly grind her further into nothingness.
And there isn’t much that Naomi can say at seeing Emily like this, so fragile and shattering right before her eyes because the fault is hers and hers alone. Any attempts that she’s made to reach out and comfort Emily since that night on the rooftop has been swatted away in revulsion while Emily settles for turning to drink and drugs to numb the pain of her open and gushing wound.
Emily won’t admit it though, won’t talk to her about what she’s feeling or what she’s doing and Naomi’s left guessing, trying to piece together all of the shards that she can find amongst the rumble in the hopes that she can put Emily back together again - she never makes much progress though, not when Emily sways and stumbles and continues to fall down again, sending the pieces further away from her and making it harder for Naomi to find them.
Even with her family around Emily won’t stop spiralling out of control, lashing out at anyone who dares to step into her way. All Naomi can do is turn her head away from Katie and Jenna while Emily spouts out something cold and detached - any sign of the girl that once cared too much utterly lost and gone - just so that she doesn’t have to watch the pained confusion that’s sure to rise in their eyes.
Naomi almost feels sorry for them then, because they have no idea that this is who Emily has become over the last few weeks, that this is who Naomi’s turned her into. And it hurts just to keep breathing, to not give up and fall apart at Emily’s feet and beg for forgiveness, for some kind of redemption because she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do now that it’s been broken - she’s never had to know before, never held that responsibility because Emily is always the one who leads the way and stops them from stumbling over the edge.
And then Emily’s pressing her body into Naomi’s own and pinning her forcefully up against the kitchen counter while she attacks her lips with rough kisses that are sure to leave bruises behind - just another dark reminder of what exactly it is that Naomi has ruined with her actions and her lie. It’s the first time that Emily’s even made an attempt to touch her and it feels almost like a violation that Emily’s only kissing her to prove a point to her mother rather than kissing her just because she can’t not kiss her; because she needs to.
There’s nothing remotely intimate or loving about the way that Emily is pulling down on her neck and digging her nails into her arm and Naomi flinches, stiffening beneath Emily’s touch and tries to resist against her, tries to make her stop because this wasn’t doing anything besides breaking them both more they already were - it’s not right, it wasn’t who they were, it isn’t them.
Naomi has to wipe at her mouth once Emily’s detached herself from her and bite down hard on the inside of her cheek just to keep herself from bursting into tears. None of their kisses had ever lacked that spark that erupted in Naomi’s stomach whenever their lips touched, not even when she was terrified and Emily was nervous yet daring, and the thought that she’s the one responsible for making things between them so cold and wrong is enough to remind Naomi of everything that she’s had and lost.
She can feel Katie’s eyes on her a moment later, and it feels a little like an accusation, like she just knows that whatever it is that is going on with Emily will be linked to her. She sees the twitch in Katie’s lips as she shakes her head in her direction and Naomi releases a deep and tired breath to put a stop to whatever question is just waiting to pour out of Katie’s mouth.
Naomi hurries out into the garden, and thinks pityingly, that Emily would almost applaud her for running away like she always does.
-----
It’s her garden, and their barbeque, apparently, and yet Naomi doesn’t recognise half the fucking people out there swaying away to the music and drinking.
She watches as Emily ignores all of their friends and heads straight towards the group of people Naomi doesn’t know. People who Naomi doesn’t even remember seeing around college and then they’re all toasting their little shot glasses and laughing and she realises that these are the people that Emily has been spending her nights with - people that Emily probably doesn’t really know either, and is just using them to get fucked up with and forget.
Emily’s got her arm thrown around some random girl’s shoulders and is smiling at whatever is being whispered into her ear and it hurts, so much, that Naomi’s convinced she’s actually stopped breathing, at seeing Emily so at ease with people that aren’t her, with a girl that isn’t her - it’s a bitter taste of her own medicine, Naomi knows, and yet she’s struggling to swallow it down.
“Come sit,” Effy says, appearing at her side a second later and gesturing over at the deck chairs, pulling on her elbow a little when Naomi refuses to move.
Naomi has to tear her eyes away from Emily as she nods back slowly in response, following Effy over to the seats and instantly reaching into her pocket for her cigarettes, grateful when Effy saves her from having a meltdown over her shitty lighter and lights it for her.
It doesn’t take long for Katie to venture outside and then suddenly she’s sitting in-between two girls that hate each other, at party filled with people she doesn’t know, her girlfriend who can barely stand to look at her and her girlfriend’s homeless family.
“Wow,” Effy drawls. “Isn’t this peachy?”
And Naomi would laugh if it wasn’t so sinister; instead she inhales a deep hit of her cigarette and tries to distract herself from the headache lingering in her temples.
“Who’s got anymore pills?” Emily murmurs, stumbling over to them, a cigarette dangling carelessly between her fingers, her eyes wide and a little unfocused. “Effy?”
Naomi sees Effy shake her head out of the corner of her eye and is momentarily thankful that Effy always seems to just sense what’s going on around her - she has some kind of drugs on her, she always does and they all know it and yet she denies Emily the chance for a better escape with a simple shake of her head.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Katie barks up and Naomi can see the concern glimmering in her eyes even if she is trying to mask it with a bitchy facade.
“Don’t think, it makes life much easier,” Emily replies exhaling smoke, cutting Katie’s question short and then turning her attention on to her. “Naomi, darling? Got any more of your special powder? No?”
Naomi stares back at her, her eyes pleading even though she knows it’s pointless and says, “Don’t, Em.”
“Where’s Cook when you need him, hey?” Emily holds her gaze for a second longer, smirking slightly in revulsion before turning on her heel and muttering, “Somebody find some more pills.”
Naomi shakes her head defeated, flicking her cigarette to the ground and thinks that maybe this is Emily’s way of struggling beneath the waves, thrashing around helplessly until she can’t help but to splash her in the process.
-----
Naomi’s trying not to look, trying not to get locked on to the fact that Emily’s dancing closely with some random blonde girl and squealing excitedly while greedy hands that don’t belong to her grasp at Emily’s body but she knows she’s failing spectacularly because she catches Emily’s eye momentarily and then Emily’s kissing the girl, really kissing her and Naomi feels a sharp pain in her chest.
“What the fuck are you doing, Emily?” The words fly out of her mouth before she can even process them and then she’s left with nothing but a deep knot twisting uncomfortably in her stomach as she watches on.
Emily doesn’t stop though, just pulls the girl closer and kisses her harder and there’s nothing Naomi can do but look. Everyone’s eyes are on Emily and then on her, and Naomi can feel the way that they’re just waiting for her to react but she can’t, she’s frozen in place, her eyes drinking in the sight of Emily’s lips pressed against somebody else’s and it leaves her heart aching agonizingly inside of her chest.
And it’s nothing like how she felt when she found out about JJ because knowing that he’d touched Emily had been something she’d regarded as fact, like it was all in the past and it was done, and whilst it was something that had made her skin prickle with jealousy Naomi knew that she had put it to rest after admitting her love and finally claiming Emily hers for all to see.
But this is different; this is Emily’s way of showing her just what she’s done to them, taunting her, daring her to object against a crime that Naomi herself has already committed and worse. It’s a little ironic then, that Emily tackles her down into the paddling pool, cackling wildly as the water spatters around them and soaks them both.
And Naomi suddenly knows that this has never been about her trying to rescue Emily from the storm she’s caused, Emily doesn’t believe any of her pathetic promises to fix them - Emily will settle for drowning them both now that she’s failing to save herself.
-----
It’s the sound of Katie’s palm connecting against Emily’s cheek that echoes around inside her head, then. And the utterly destroyed look on Emily’s broken face is all that Naomi can see even as she stares down at her feet long after Emily has walked away from her - her vision blurred and clouded over with tears that get lost amongst the water droplets still trailing down her skin as they fall and burst against the ground.
Effy’s voice is faint in her ears a moment later and Naomi can hear her telling everyone to leave and then Effy’s standing at her side and tentatively trailing her fingertips down Naomi’s arm.
“Fix it,” she says bluntly, her voice almost demanding as Naomi lifts her head so that her watery eyes are meeting Effy’s own.
“I don’t know how,” Naomi mumbles back hopelessly, searching Effy’s face for a sign, something that will tell her how to make all that is wrong right again. “I don’t know how to stop her slipping away from me.”
Effy stares at her for a long moment, her blue eyes more intense than usual, as if she’s studying every inch of Naomi’s soul and it’s enough to make her shudder beneath Effy’s gaze. “You can’t let both of you get swept under, Naomi, otherwise who’s going to pull you back up?”
Naomi chokes back on a sob then as Effy reaches out and squeezes her shoulder, fingers digging in ever slightly into her skin and it’s enough then to remind Naomi that she can’t fall apart like this, not when Emily so desperately needs her to be the brave one this time - she has to stay afloat if they’re ever to survive.
-----
The sound is muffled through the wall but Naomi doesn’t need to hear it any clearer to know exactly what it is. It’s the same noise she hears at night when she’s laying awake and soothing her hand over the space next to her where Emily once used to sleep - choked, breathless, whimpering sobs that sound more and more excruciating the longer that they go on.
Naomi has to squeeze her eyes shut and ball her fists into her duvet to stop herself from getting up and going into the guestroom and wrapping her arms around Emily’s tiny frame because that isn’t what Emily wants, Naomi doesn’t get to be that person anymore, the one that holds her and soothes her and promises that everything will be okay - heavy words that make up empty promises but that never fail to comfort even if they are a lie.
It always hurts, having to sit and listen to Emily breaking and knowing that she’s the one responsible - that she’s still making Emily cry after all these months.
But these sobs sound different in Naomi’s ears, this isn’t the sound of Emily hurting and crumbling, this is her letting go - heavy breaths and shallow hitches that scream out that Emily’s losing the battle; she’s finally giving up.
And it’s that thought alone that makes Naomi act, grasping for her phone and dialling the one person who will always be there to catch her when she falls, the one person who might possibly be able to help her bring them both back.
“Mum,” Naomi whimpers weakly when Gina answers, her fingers tightening around the phone and clasping to it urgently.
“Naomi, love,” Gina responds, her tone laced with concern. “Whatever’s the matter?”
Naomi sniffles into her sleeve as she wipes at her cheeks, her voice thick when she murmurs, “How do you save something from sinking? Stop it from falling any further than it already has?”
Gina’s quite for a long moment and Naomi almost think she’s going to ask her what exactly is going on and she’s considering hanging up when her mum finally breaks through the silence and says, “Well, you have two options really. You can dive right in and try and reach for it, or...”
“Or what?” Naomi pleads urgently.
“Or you can be patient,” Gina breathes. “And wait for it to rise to the surface again on its own.”
“And what if it doesn’t?” Naomi can feel herself growing frantic as her hands start to shake, she can’t let this be just another thing that she adds on to her life’s list of fuck ups - Emily can’t be something she fails at. “What if I wait and it sinks to the bottom? I'll never be able to save it then--”
“Naomi?” Gina interrupts calmly, her voice soft in Naomi’s ear. “Whatever it is that you've done, just make sure that Emily knows that you'll be there waiting to pull her back onto dry land when she emerges. She'll come alive and fight again if she knows that you love her enough to keep breathing for the both of you until she’s ready to.”
Naomi can’t stop the tears then, lets them flow from her eyes freely as she swallows the lump in her throat. “I really fucked up this time mum.”
“I know, sweetheart,” Gina says without judgement or accusation, not needing to know anymore than what Naomi has already said. “You just have to stay strong and keep breathing for the both of you and prove that you’re truly sorry, Naomi.”
And later, when her mum’s words are ringing loudly in her head and Emily’s sobs have subsided into silence, Naomi knows that it’ll be the hardest thing she’ll ever have to do, to simply keep breathing when her lungs are already filled with the water she couldn’t fight against.
Naomi knows she’ll be stronger this time though, she won’t let anymore waves crash over her head; she’ll give everything that she has left trying resuscitate Emily before she'll even contemplate letting herself go under.
-----
She hears the patter of feet along the landing a little while later, and Katie’s voice followed by Emily’s own and then she can hear their footsteps descending down the stairs and slipping out of the front door, clicking it shut gently behind them in a way that doesn’t sound final enough to be a goodbye but still could be.
Naomi feels like an intruder in her own home then, as she dares to exit her own room and walks the few sort steps that have been between her and Emily for the last few weeks. She has to hold her breath as she peers into the room that Emily has made into a makeshift bedroom and it’s only when she catches sight of Emily’s belongings still scattered over the floor and across the bed that she starts to feel relived - Emily hasn’t left her for good yet so that has to mean something.
She’ll cling to any small scraps of hope she can get.
-----
People say that it’s the grand gestures of love that really work - the messages written in fireworks amongst the stars, the proposal made on live TV - but Naomi knows that that isn’t really what love’s all about; it doesn’t have to be expensive and extravagant to mean that it’s real.
She thinks back to day trip she and Emily took during the summer to London, how they’d been high up in the air amongst the building tops, looking out from the London Eye when a couple of guys with guitars had started playing a familiar song and how Emily had looked up at her with big, beautiful pleading eyes and reached for her hand and forced Naomi to hold her close and dance - it hadn’t mattered to Naomi then, that they were surrounded by strangers or that they were making fools of themselves because Emily was happy and they were in love, and that was all that would ever really matter to her.
It’s not much, Naomi knows - as she leans the chalkboard with her chalk scrawled message of ‘I’m still your lobster. I won’t let you go’ (accompanied with her doodle of two lobsters holding claws) up against Emily’s bedroom door - she can’t go back in time and change what she’s done and she can’t keep apologising when ‘sorry’ doesn’t even begin to cover just how much she regrets her actions, and so she leaves Emily with the one thing she has left, the one thing she’s sure of and hopes that maybe, just maybe, Emily can find a way to start to forgive her.
-----
Naomi isn’t aware that anyone has come back in to the house until she hears the gentle tapping on her bedroom door and a familiar voice softly murmuring her name, and only then does she look up from her computer to see Emily lingering coyly in her doorway, the chalkboard held tightly in one of her hands.
“Hi,” she breathes tentatively, trailing her eyes over Emily’s face, the shock of her just being there, standing there in their room after all the days she’s been absent is a little shocking.
“Hey...” Emily tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear and drops her eyes briefly down to her hand before raising them again to meet Naomi’s own. “I got your message.”
Naomi nods and swallows hard, feeling all of the words that she wants to say slipping away from her and barely manages, “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Emily replies, putting the board down and taking a small step closer to her and Naomi watches as she bites at her lip, seemingly struggling with the thoughts inside her head.. “And I want to say that I’m sorry...”
“What?” Naomi asks, scrunching her face up in confusion and feeling her chest tighten anxiously.
Emily shrugs sadly and looks away from her. “For earlier, for-- two wrongs don’t make a right and I don’t want to be that sort of person, Naomi.”
“Em,” Naomi interrupts shaking her head, standing up and moving closer to her. “Please don’t say sorry to me. If anyone should be saying sorry here it’s me. All of this is my fault. Not yours, never yours, okay?”
When Emily looks back up at her it’s with tears in her eyes and Naomi feels her breath catch at the sight of it and has to bite down on the inside of her cheek to stop from striding across the remaining distance between them and pulling Emily into her arms.
“Did you mean it,” Emily asks her. “When you said you’d do anything?”
“Yes,” Naomi nods her head firmly, her heart beating rapidly inside her chest. “Every single word. I’ll do whatever it takes, Ems.”
Emily wipes at her eyes and sniffles a little, her eyes holding Naomi’s intensely when she says, “Do you think you could maybe, just... hold me? Just for a little while.”
Naomi ignores the tears stinging at her eyes and swallows hard as she closes the space between them and carefully wraps Emily in her arms, feeling the shudder that passes through them both as Emily’s hands move up from her sides and curl around her back, her face burying against Naomi’s shoulder and breathing her in.
“I miss you,” Naomi whimpers brokenly into Emily’s hair, marvelling at how it feels to have Emily’s warm body beneath her hands again and savouring how right it feels now that they’ve moulded back against each other - fitting perfectly in a way no one else ever could or would.
“God, Naomi...” Emily breathes as she tightens her arms around her and then she’s pressing her lips against the skin where Naomi’s neck and shoulder meet and affectionately muttering, “You stupid cunt.”
“I know,” Naomi replies, her lips twitching up into a small smile as she dips her head lower to brush her lips against Emily’s shoulder. “I love you Em, so fucking much. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Yeah,” Emily nods into her shoulder. “I know. I just... I need some more time, Naoms.”
Naomi presses her lips to Emily’s shoulder again, letting them linger and closing her eyes. “I can do that. I’ll wait for as long as it takes, okay?”
“Okay,” Emily echoes as her fingers clutch at Naomi’s back and she presses her nose deeper into Naomi’s neck, inhaling deeply - finally breathing again.
Naomi holds Emily closer then, pulls her a little tighter into her body and doesn’t say another word - it feels like enough for now, just knowing that Emily’s clinging on to her, letting her be the one to anchor them down and trusting that Naomi won’t fail to keep their heads above water this time round.
Pairing: Emily/Naomi
Rating: R
Word Count: 4, 751
Disclaimer: None of the Skins characters belong to me; I’m just borrowing them for a bit.
Summary: [Set post 4x03, through 4x04 with the deleted ‘hugging’ scene] - As she watches Emily turn away from her once more, now even restless in her sleep, Naomi knows that she didn’t just splash Emily, she damn well went and drowned her...
AN: Inspired by Cook’s speech to Naomi in 4x03 and the song ‘All That I’m Asking For’ from Lifehouse’s new album ‘Smoke & Mirrors’.
AN 2: Thanks to the always wonderful and lovely Flister who betaed this for me <3
‘Gravity pulls and we fall from the clouds
We prove to each other
That we're both human now
The time that we spent
Trying to make sense of it all
All that I'm asking for
Is that you need nothing more
And nothing comes in between
Our love and its fragile scene
All that I'm asking for
You're all that I'm asking for’
- Lifehouse - All That I’m Asking For
-----
Naomi doesn’t sleep anymore - can’t actually remember how long it’s been since she closed her eyes and didn’t see her.
It’s a nightmare that she can’t wake up from, she’s being haunted by Sophia and all that she’s done wrong; her mistakes catching up to her and pulling her down, rooting her to the spot and forcing her to face her demons in the light of day.
And even if she could sleep, Naomi knows that she wouldn’t because it’s only when the sun disappears for the day and envelops the world in darkness that she actually allows herself to look at her - the other her, the one that matters; Emily.
It’s the only chance she gets now, to look, to watch, to trail her eyes over every inch of Emily’s face and not have to flinch and turn away in guilt when she sees pained brown eyes staring back briefly before falling away from her face in disgust and disappointment.
It’s unbearable, the way that tears always sting at her eyes and slide down unwelcome onto her cheeks, her heart clenching tightly in her chest at the notion of being so close and yet so far away - she’s bleeding out and breaking and Naomi knows it’s all her own fault; she’s done this to herself.
She can hear the voice echoing in her head again - surprisingly always Cook’s and never Sophia’s - constantly repeating the same thing over: ‘The thing is Naomi, you splash about, other people get wet...’
As she watches Emily turn away from her once more, now even restless in her sleep, Naomi knows that she didn’t just splash Emily, she damn well went and drowned her.
-----
Emily’s struggling to surface; it’s the only explanation Naomi can conjure to fit Emily’s current actions.
The calm has passed; the silent suffering and daring but unavoidable glances have long gone and left behind a storm that rages with Emily’s blistering anger and open looks of loathing.
There’s still no talking between them, no words spoken that matter anyway, just Emily’s cutting tongue and piercing verbal attacks that Naomi stands and openly takes, knowing that she deserves to suffer each blow that Emily delivers down upon her.
And it’s a little frightening at times, to watch the gentle, delicate girl that she fell in love with slipping further and further away from her and knowing that she doesn’t have the right to try and save her, not anymore, not when she’s the reason behind Emily’s self-destruction.
Naomi knows she’s being pushed away and punished for what she’s done to them but it never stops her from aching for a single second when Emily - her eyes glazed over and her movements a little unsteady in a way that Naomi knows must mean alcohol and drugs are flowing heavily through her system - slams the door shut behind her and disappears into the night without a word to Naomi about when she’ll be back or if she’s even coming back to her at all.
She always does though, eventually, and Naomi feels relived and guilty and ashamed and crushed, every single time that Emily stumbles back into their house, her make-up smudged, her hair tangled, her clothes twisted and tattered and her eyes empty.
“What’re you fucking staring at?” Emily slurs at her one time - the sun just beginning to rise, the light peering through the window and glowing around her, the dark circles beneath her eyes more visible than ever. Her expression is blank as she passes Naomi on the stairs and for the first time heads straight passed their room and enters the guest room instead, shutting the door behind her with a deafening click.
It’s the only sign that Naomi needs in order to know that Emily hasn’t broken free yet.
-----
Naomi’s pretty sure that the Fitch family arriving on her doorstep, homeless and demanding to stay with them, is the truest, most blatant reminder of her sins to date.
And there’s no possible way she can turn them away because they are Emily’s family and as far as she knows she still is Emily’s girlfriend, and so maybe this is the world’s way of making her repent - with Jenna’s eyes boring into her skin and scorching, practically screaming, that she’s no good for Emily, and it makes Naomi want to throw them back out onto the street again because Jenna’s right. She’d been right all along and Naomi can’t bear having to swallow down the bitter and cruel defeat.
There’s no explanation that she can give for Emily’s absence and so she doesn’t say anything at all, just presents them with tea and garibaldis and acts as politely as she can, tries not to look either Jenna or Katie in the eye for too long in fear that all of the secrets she and Emily are keeping will be revealed.
She leaves them to it then, hides away and tries to avoid the inevitable chaos for as long as she can.
-----
Emily’s return comes sooner rather than later.
She crashes in through the front door, bellowing something unintelligible that Naomi can’t quite make out, alerting Naomi to her presence. And then, just like it has been for the last couple of weeks, Naomi feels her stomach knot at the sight of her - brown eyes that were once bright and sparkling now dark and bloodshot with the weight of all that has fallen down upon her and continues to slowly grind her further into nothingness.
And there isn’t much that Naomi can say at seeing Emily like this, so fragile and shattering right before her eyes because the fault is hers and hers alone. Any attempts that she’s made to reach out and comfort Emily since that night on the rooftop has been swatted away in revulsion while Emily settles for turning to drink and drugs to numb the pain of her open and gushing wound.
Emily won’t admit it though, won’t talk to her about what she’s feeling or what she’s doing and Naomi’s left guessing, trying to piece together all of the shards that she can find amongst the rumble in the hopes that she can put Emily back together again - she never makes much progress though, not when Emily sways and stumbles and continues to fall down again, sending the pieces further away from her and making it harder for Naomi to find them.
Even with her family around Emily won’t stop spiralling out of control, lashing out at anyone who dares to step into her way. All Naomi can do is turn her head away from Katie and Jenna while Emily spouts out something cold and detached - any sign of the girl that once cared too much utterly lost and gone - just so that she doesn’t have to watch the pained confusion that’s sure to rise in their eyes.
Naomi almost feels sorry for them then, because they have no idea that this is who Emily has become over the last few weeks, that this is who Naomi’s turned her into. And it hurts just to keep breathing, to not give up and fall apart at Emily’s feet and beg for forgiveness, for some kind of redemption because she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do now that it’s been broken - she’s never had to know before, never held that responsibility because Emily is always the one who leads the way and stops them from stumbling over the edge.
And then Emily’s pressing her body into Naomi’s own and pinning her forcefully up against the kitchen counter while she attacks her lips with rough kisses that are sure to leave bruises behind - just another dark reminder of what exactly it is that Naomi has ruined with her actions and her lie. It’s the first time that Emily’s even made an attempt to touch her and it feels almost like a violation that Emily’s only kissing her to prove a point to her mother rather than kissing her just because she can’t not kiss her; because she needs to.
There’s nothing remotely intimate or loving about the way that Emily is pulling down on her neck and digging her nails into her arm and Naomi flinches, stiffening beneath Emily’s touch and tries to resist against her, tries to make her stop because this wasn’t doing anything besides breaking them both more they already were - it’s not right, it wasn’t who they were, it isn’t them.
Naomi has to wipe at her mouth once Emily’s detached herself from her and bite down hard on the inside of her cheek just to keep herself from bursting into tears. None of their kisses had ever lacked that spark that erupted in Naomi’s stomach whenever their lips touched, not even when she was terrified and Emily was nervous yet daring, and the thought that she’s the one responsible for making things between them so cold and wrong is enough to remind Naomi of everything that she’s had and lost.
She can feel Katie’s eyes on her a moment later, and it feels a little like an accusation, like she just knows that whatever it is that is going on with Emily will be linked to her. She sees the twitch in Katie’s lips as she shakes her head in her direction and Naomi releases a deep and tired breath to put a stop to whatever question is just waiting to pour out of Katie’s mouth.
Naomi hurries out into the garden, and thinks pityingly, that Emily would almost applaud her for running away like she always does.
-----
It’s her garden, and their barbeque, apparently, and yet Naomi doesn’t recognise half the fucking people out there swaying away to the music and drinking.
She watches as Emily ignores all of their friends and heads straight towards the group of people Naomi doesn’t know. People who Naomi doesn’t even remember seeing around college and then they’re all toasting their little shot glasses and laughing and she realises that these are the people that Emily has been spending her nights with - people that Emily probably doesn’t really know either, and is just using them to get fucked up with and forget.
Emily’s got her arm thrown around some random girl’s shoulders and is smiling at whatever is being whispered into her ear and it hurts, so much, that Naomi’s convinced she’s actually stopped breathing, at seeing Emily so at ease with people that aren’t her, with a girl that isn’t her - it’s a bitter taste of her own medicine, Naomi knows, and yet she’s struggling to swallow it down.
“Come sit,” Effy says, appearing at her side a second later and gesturing over at the deck chairs, pulling on her elbow a little when Naomi refuses to move.
Naomi has to tear her eyes away from Emily as she nods back slowly in response, following Effy over to the seats and instantly reaching into her pocket for her cigarettes, grateful when Effy saves her from having a meltdown over her shitty lighter and lights it for her.
It doesn’t take long for Katie to venture outside and then suddenly she’s sitting in-between two girls that hate each other, at party filled with people she doesn’t know, her girlfriend who can barely stand to look at her and her girlfriend’s homeless family.
“Wow,” Effy drawls. “Isn’t this peachy?”
And Naomi would laugh if it wasn’t so sinister; instead she inhales a deep hit of her cigarette and tries to distract herself from the headache lingering in her temples.
“Who’s got anymore pills?” Emily murmurs, stumbling over to them, a cigarette dangling carelessly between her fingers, her eyes wide and a little unfocused. “Effy?”
Naomi sees Effy shake her head out of the corner of her eye and is momentarily thankful that Effy always seems to just sense what’s going on around her - she has some kind of drugs on her, she always does and they all know it and yet she denies Emily the chance for a better escape with a simple shake of her head.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Katie barks up and Naomi can see the concern glimmering in her eyes even if she is trying to mask it with a bitchy facade.
“Don’t think, it makes life much easier,” Emily replies exhaling smoke, cutting Katie’s question short and then turning her attention on to her. “Naomi, darling? Got any more of your special powder? No?”
Naomi stares back at her, her eyes pleading even though she knows it’s pointless and says, “Don’t, Em.”
“Where’s Cook when you need him, hey?” Emily holds her gaze for a second longer, smirking slightly in revulsion before turning on her heel and muttering, “Somebody find some more pills.”
Naomi shakes her head defeated, flicking her cigarette to the ground and thinks that maybe this is Emily’s way of struggling beneath the waves, thrashing around helplessly until she can’t help but to splash her in the process.
-----
Naomi’s trying not to look, trying not to get locked on to the fact that Emily’s dancing closely with some random blonde girl and squealing excitedly while greedy hands that don’t belong to her grasp at Emily’s body but she knows she’s failing spectacularly because she catches Emily’s eye momentarily and then Emily’s kissing the girl, really kissing her and Naomi feels a sharp pain in her chest.
“What the fuck are you doing, Emily?” The words fly out of her mouth before she can even process them and then she’s left with nothing but a deep knot twisting uncomfortably in her stomach as she watches on.
Emily doesn’t stop though, just pulls the girl closer and kisses her harder and there’s nothing Naomi can do but look. Everyone’s eyes are on Emily and then on her, and Naomi can feel the way that they’re just waiting for her to react but she can’t, she’s frozen in place, her eyes drinking in the sight of Emily’s lips pressed against somebody else’s and it leaves her heart aching agonizingly inside of her chest.
And it’s nothing like how she felt when she found out about JJ because knowing that he’d touched Emily had been something she’d regarded as fact, like it was all in the past and it was done, and whilst it was something that had made her skin prickle with jealousy Naomi knew that she had put it to rest after admitting her love and finally claiming Emily hers for all to see.
But this is different; this is Emily’s way of showing her just what she’s done to them, taunting her, daring her to object against a crime that Naomi herself has already committed and worse. It’s a little ironic then, that Emily tackles her down into the paddling pool, cackling wildly as the water spatters around them and soaks them both.
And Naomi suddenly knows that this has never been about her trying to rescue Emily from the storm she’s caused, Emily doesn’t believe any of her pathetic promises to fix them - Emily will settle for drowning them both now that she’s failing to save herself.
-----
It’s the sound of Katie’s palm connecting against Emily’s cheek that echoes around inside her head, then. And the utterly destroyed look on Emily’s broken face is all that Naomi can see even as she stares down at her feet long after Emily has walked away from her - her vision blurred and clouded over with tears that get lost amongst the water droplets still trailing down her skin as they fall and burst against the ground.
Effy’s voice is faint in her ears a moment later and Naomi can hear her telling everyone to leave and then Effy’s standing at her side and tentatively trailing her fingertips down Naomi’s arm.
“Fix it,” she says bluntly, her voice almost demanding as Naomi lifts her head so that her watery eyes are meeting Effy’s own.
“I don’t know how,” Naomi mumbles back hopelessly, searching Effy’s face for a sign, something that will tell her how to make all that is wrong right again. “I don’t know how to stop her slipping away from me.”
Effy stares at her for a long moment, her blue eyes more intense than usual, as if she’s studying every inch of Naomi’s soul and it’s enough to make her shudder beneath Effy’s gaze. “You can’t let both of you get swept under, Naomi, otherwise who’s going to pull you back up?”
Naomi chokes back on a sob then as Effy reaches out and squeezes her shoulder, fingers digging in ever slightly into her skin and it’s enough then to remind Naomi that she can’t fall apart like this, not when Emily so desperately needs her to be the brave one this time - she has to stay afloat if they’re ever to survive.
-----
The sound is muffled through the wall but Naomi doesn’t need to hear it any clearer to know exactly what it is. It’s the same noise she hears at night when she’s laying awake and soothing her hand over the space next to her where Emily once used to sleep - choked, breathless, whimpering sobs that sound more and more excruciating the longer that they go on.
Naomi has to squeeze her eyes shut and ball her fists into her duvet to stop herself from getting up and going into the guestroom and wrapping her arms around Emily’s tiny frame because that isn’t what Emily wants, Naomi doesn’t get to be that person anymore, the one that holds her and soothes her and promises that everything will be okay - heavy words that make up empty promises but that never fail to comfort even if they are a lie.
It always hurts, having to sit and listen to Emily breaking and knowing that she’s the one responsible - that she’s still making Emily cry after all these months.
But these sobs sound different in Naomi’s ears, this isn’t the sound of Emily hurting and crumbling, this is her letting go - heavy breaths and shallow hitches that scream out that Emily’s losing the battle; she’s finally giving up.
And it’s that thought alone that makes Naomi act, grasping for her phone and dialling the one person who will always be there to catch her when she falls, the one person who might possibly be able to help her bring them both back.
“Mum,” Naomi whimpers weakly when Gina answers, her fingers tightening around the phone and clasping to it urgently.
“Naomi, love,” Gina responds, her tone laced with concern. “Whatever’s the matter?”
Naomi sniffles into her sleeve as she wipes at her cheeks, her voice thick when she murmurs, “How do you save something from sinking? Stop it from falling any further than it already has?”
Gina’s quite for a long moment and Naomi almost think she’s going to ask her what exactly is going on and she’s considering hanging up when her mum finally breaks through the silence and says, “Well, you have two options really. You can dive right in and try and reach for it, or...”
“Or what?” Naomi pleads urgently.
“Or you can be patient,” Gina breathes. “And wait for it to rise to the surface again on its own.”
“And what if it doesn’t?” Naomi can feel herself growing frantic as her hands start to shake, she can’t let this be just another thing that she adds on to her life’s list of fuck ups - Emily can’t be something she fails at. “What if I wait and it sinks to the bottom? I'll never be able to save it then--”
“Naomi?” Gina interrupts calmly, her voice soft in Naomi’s ear. “Whatever it is that you've done, just make sure that Emily knows that you'll be there waiting to pull her back onto dry land when she emerges. She'll come alive and fight again if she knows that you love her enough to keep breathing for the both of you until she’s ready to.”
Naomi can’t stop the tears then, lets them flow from her eyes freely as she swallows the lump in her throat. “I really fucked up this time mum.”
“I know, sweetheart,” Gina says without judgement or accusation, not needing to know anymore than what Naomi has already said. “You just have to stay strong and keep breathing for the both of you and prove that you’re truly sorry, Naomi.”
And later, when her mum’s words are ringing loudly in her head and Emily’s sobs have subsided into silence, Naomi knows that it’ll be the hardest thing she’ll ever have to do, to simply keep breathing when her lungs are already filled with the water she couldn’t fight against.
Naomi knows she’ll be stronger this time though, she won’t let anymore waves crash over her head; she’ll give everything that she has left trying resuscitate Emily before she'll even contemplate letting herself go under.
-----
She hears the patter of feet along the landing a little while later, and Katie’s voice followed by Emily’s own and then she can hear their footsteps descending down the stairs and slipping out of the front door, clicking it shut gently behind them in a way that doesn’t sound final enough to be a goodbye but still could be.
Naomi feels like an intruder in her own home then, as she dares to exit her own room and walks the few sort steps that have been between her and Emily for the last few weeks. She has to hold her breath as she peers into the room that Emily has made into a makeshift bedroom and it’s only when she catches sight of Emily’s belongings still scattered over the floor and across the bed that she starts to feel relived - Emily hasn’t left her for good yet so that has to mean something.
She’ll cling to any small scraps of hope she can get.
-----
People say that it’s the grand gestures of love that really work - the messages written in fireworks amongst the stars, the proposal made on live TV - but Naomi knows that that isn’t really what love’s all about; it doesn’t have to be expensive and extravagant to mean that it’s real.
She thinks back to day trip she and Emily took during the summer to London, how they’d been high up in the air amongst the building tops, looking out from the London Eye when a couple of guys with guitars had started playing a familiar song and how Emily had looked up at her with big, beautiful pleading eyes and reached for her hand and forced Naomi to hold her close and dance - it hadn’t mattered to Naomi then, that they were surrounded by strangers or that they were making fools of themselves because Emily was happy and they were in love, and that was all that would ever really matter to her.
It’s not much, Naomi knows - as she leans the chalkboard with her chalk scrawled message of ‘I’m still your lobster. I won’t let you go’ (accompanied with her doodle of two lobsters holding claws) up against Emily’s bedroom door - she can’t go back in time and change what she’s done and she can’t keep apologising when ‘sorry’ doesn’t even begin to cover just how much she regrets her actions, and so she leaves Emily with the one thing she has left, the one thing she’s sure of and hopes that maybe, just maybe, Emily can find a way to start to forgive her.
-----
Naomi isn’t aware that anyone has come back in to the house until she hears the gentle tapping on her bedroom door and a familiar voice softly murmuring her name, and only then does she look up from her computer to see Emily lingering coyly in her doorway, the chalkboard held tightly in one of her hands.
“Hi,” she breathes tentatively, trailing her eyes over Emily’s face, the shock of her just being there, standing there in their room after all the days she’s been absent is a little shocking.
“Hey...” Emily tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear and drops her eyes briefly down to her hand before raising them again to meet Naomi’s own. “I got your message.”
Naomi nods and swallows hard, feeling all of the words that she wants to say slipping away from her and barely manages, “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Emily replies, putting the board down and taking a small step closer to her and Naomi watches as she bites at her lip, seemingly struggling with the thoughts inside her head.. “And I want to say that I’m sorry...”
“What?” Naomi asks, scrunching her face up in confusion and feeling her chest tighten anxiously.
Emily shrugs sadly and looks away from her. “For earlier, for-- two wrongs don’t make a right and I don’t want to be that sort of person, Naomi.”
“Em,” Naomi interrupts shaking her head, standing up and moving closer to her. “Please don’t say sorry to me. If anyone should be saying sorry here it’s me. All of this is my fault. Not yours, never yours, okay?”
When Emily looks back up at her it’s with tears in her eyes and Naomi feels her breath catch at the sight of it and has to bite down on the inside of her cheek to stop from striding across the remaining distance between them and pulling Emily into her arms.
“Did you mean it,” Emily asks her. “When you said you’d do anything?”
“Yes,” Naomi nods her head firmly, her heart beating rapidly inside her chest. “Every single word. I’ll do whatever it takes, Ems.”
Emily wipes at her eyes and sniffles a little, her eyes holding Naomi’s intensely when she says, “Do you think you could maybe, just... hold me? Just for a little while.”
Naomi ignores the tears stinging at her eyes and swallows hard as she closes the space between them and carefully wraps Emily in her arms, feeling the shudder that passes through them both as Emily’s hands move up from her sides and curl around her back, her face burying against Naomi’s shoulder and breathing her in.
“I miss you,” Naomi whimpers brokenly into Emily’s hair, marvelling at how it feels to have Emily’s warm body beneath her hands again and savouring how right it feels now that they’ve moulded back against each other - fitting perfectly in a way no one else ever could or would.
“God, Naomi...” Emily breathes as she tightens her arms around her and then she’s pressing her lips against the skin where Naomi’s neck and shoulder meet and affectionately muttering, “You stupid cunt.”
“I know,” Naomi replies, her lips twitching up into a small smile as she dips her head lower to brush her lips against Emily’s shoulder. “I love you Em, so fucking much. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Yeah,” Emily nods into her shoulder. “I know. I just... I need some more time, Naoms.”
Naomi presses her lips to Emily’s shoulder again, letting them linger and closing her eyes. “I can do that. I’ll wait for as long as it takes, okay?”
“Okay,” Emily echoes as her fingers clutch at Naomi’s back and she presses her nose deeper into Naomi’s neck, inhaling deeply - finally breathing again.
Naomi holds Emily closer then, pulls her a little tighter into her body and doesn’t say another word - it feels like enough for now, just knowing that Emily’s clinging on to her, letting her be the one to anchor them down and trusting that Naomi won’t fail to keep their heads above water this time round.
