If Love Was Enough [Skins; Emily/Naomi]
If Love Was Enough
Emily used to think it was all rather stupid, the way people would say “be careful what you wish for,” - surely, it would all be a bit pointless to waste energy on a wish that you hadn’t spent hours of your life contemplating in some way or another - and yet now, with her hand resting warmly inside of Naomi’s as they walked in silence away from the ball, it’s the only thought that comes to mind.
This, Naomi, was what she’d wished for, for as long as she can remember, and now that she finally has what she’s always wanted, Emily finds the whole situation a little disarming, - thinks that maybe she should have been a little more careful, instead of conjuring some wonderful, sparkly fantasy of what their romance could be like - that instead, what’s she’s left with, is the blunt, saddening reality that what they actually have is far less than perfect by any means of the word.
It’s unsettling for Emily, to realise that she’s finally going to have to pack away those ideas of what could have been and instead prepare herself to deal with what they are. She’s not really sure what she’s supposed to do now that they’ve reached this point - that point being, that Naomi finally stopped being a spineless twat and actually showed that she cared - doesn’t really know what either of them are going to say to make this, them, right enough for all of their messy past to just become meaningless in one night.
Naomi squeezes her hand a little tighter out of nowhere and it makes Emily relax a little; tilting her head to find blue eyes and offering a reassuring half smile. And it is that, only a half smile, because its become tiring over the months, to always have to be the one who is solid, when all she’s ever really wanted is for Naomi to let her melt in her arms and be the one to tell her that she’s not alone in going through this, whatever it is - it makes a sharp pain twinge in her chest to realise it doesn’t even have a name, a title; after all that they’ve been through, it’s still undefined .
She squeezes Naomi’s hand back because it’s all she can think to do; she’s still waiting for the right words to describe all that’s between them, and isn’t between them. She relishes in the last few moments of peace before they get back to Naomi’s house and this goes from being her wish coming true - and it still makes her lips twitch up into a smile to know that she did get the girl - to them having to deal with all of the consequences of what her wish actually means.
It’s when they’ve finally made it back to Naomi’s house, are hidden away safely in Naomi’s room behind closed doors that Emily thinks she might have found what she wants to say. She lets go of Naomi’s hand and sits on the edge of her bed, waits patiently for Naomi to be the one to go first, to shatter her illusion, of her very own fairytale, for good.
Naomi stands awkwardly in front of her, shuffles a little uncomfortably on her feet until her eyes connect with Emily’s, and the tense way her lips are pursed together suddenly lifts into a radiant, but shy smile.
“I love you.”
It takes Emily a little off guard - It still seems a little foreign to hear Naomi speak those three words, yet alone direct them at her - and yet even as her breath catches in her throat, she’s not sure it’s going to be this simple. In fact she’s almost incredibly sure that it won’t be, can’t be.
Naomi’s biting at her bottom lip; nervousness washed clearly over the blonde’s face, by the time that Emily realises that she hasn’t responded to the admission at all.
Emily says the words over in her head a few times, knows that they could come out completely wrong and hurtful depending on how she delivers them, and yet she refuses to shy away from this anymore, from anyone, but most importantly from herself.
It had felt exhilarating to finally stand up to Katie, to break - Emily thinks ‘away’ would be... incorrect somehow, because she’d never really had the desire to stop being a twin, to diminish Katie from her life altogether. It had been more of a wanting; a need to be seen as an individual and not just a part of whatever mould Katie was creating for them - through, she finally fills in. It had been desperation to break through to Katie, and to everyone that she was there, that Emily Fitch was her own person and could make decisions for herself, and damn well speak for herself too.
“I know you do,” and it’s true, Emily’s sure that Naomi does love her - in the best way that Naomi knows how to love anyone - but there’s a weight crushing down against her chest, one that she’s sure won’t be gone until she knows for certain that Naomi doesn’t just feel it; wants her to understand it.
Emily holds Naomi’s gaze, dares her almost to look away, to give her one more reason to feel her heart sinking, but it doesn’t happen. Naomi looks uncomfortable under the intensity of her gaze; her pale cheeks are flushed and her eyes glistening, but she keeps their eyes locked despite it all.
“It’s not enough y’know,” Emily’s made sure to soften her voice; hates a little how it ends up coming out thick and wrapped up in emotion, “That you love me, I mean.”
Emily studies Naomi, waits for her eyes to give away her reaction; thinks her eyebrow will quirk up in surprise. But surprise doesn’t come. Instead, Naomi’s painfully clear blue eyes are clouded with acknowledgement... and it’s that - acknowledgement - that make Emily’s eyes water up involuntarily.
Naomi moves swiftly across the small space separating them, perches down on the end of the bed next to Emily; reaches tentatively for Emily’s hand before seeking out her eyes, “I owe you a rather long, and overdue apology on how much of a heartless cunt I’ve been this year, huh?”
It makes Emily snigger, a smile following seconds later, “That would be a good place to start, but it’s a lot more-”
“Complicated than that, I know.”
Emily shakes her head, wants to makes sure that this is really getting through, “I’m serious Naomi, love alone, it’s not enough for me, or for you... and it’s definitely not enough for us.”
Naomi opens her mouth, obviously on the edge of reeling off another smart-arsed comment when she catches the look on Emily’s face. It stops her dead in her tracks, forces her eyes to drop away from Emily’s as a deep sigh falls from her lips. There’s a moment’s pause before she replies with, “I didn’t think it would be.”
Emily reaches over, gently tilts Naomi’s head back up so that their eyes can find each other again, “It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, or that I don’t want you to love me back,” she lets out a shaky breath and runs a hand carelessly through her hair, “I want more than just that. It has to be more than what it already is Naomi... the way we are together, it’s just- it’s not right for us to hurt each other this much and still want to be together.”
Naomi nods her head in agreement, “I don’t like being a total twat and hurting you Emily, and I really mean it when I say to you that I’m fucking sorry.”
It’s the second time, Emily thinks, as she feels Naomi’s fingertips gently brush her fringe away from her eyes before stilling on her cheek; thumb running delicately over her cheekbone, that Naomi’s ever looked sincere about any of the words spoken between them (the other being the newly spoken “I love you.”)
She leans in to Naomi’s touch, smiles properly at her for the first time that night, “You’re forgiven for being a total cow,” Naomi rolls her eyes in response and Emily has to remind herself not to look so fucking sappy, because she’s just that smitten with the blonde, that even her irritating eye roll is something she’s grown to adore, “And I’m sorry too, for hurting you, for JJ...”
Naomi shuts her up with a lingering kiss, “Forgiven,” and Emily leans in and kisses her again just because she can - knows that they still need to talk that event through but she’s willing to let Naomi drop it just for now - “So what now Ems? I mean-”
“Now... now we just promise to try harder I guess,” Emily responds with a shrug, not really knowing how to plan out what will make their relationship more than what it is. Doesn’t know how to take the image she has of them in her head and make it less of a childish version of love and actually fit the reality of what they’re dealing with.
Naomi’s quite for a long second, interrupts any thoughts Emily may be having with a sharp shake of her head and a firm, “No.”
It takes Emily a second to react, not quite sure that she’s heard correctly, “No? What’d you mean ‘no’?”
Naomi steadies her with a pointed gaze, “I mean, I’m not going to sit here and make you a bunch of promises that I’m not sure I can keep.”
It’s the overwhelming feeling of disappointment that makes Emily scoff, - and fuck it, she’s not even all that shocked this time, by how hurtful Naomi’s words can be - finds herself irrationally angry, “Well what the fuck Naomi? Do you just expect us to go on the way we are? Because I’m not sure I want to... I’m not sure I can do this anymore if it’s going to be like that again.”
Naomi shakes her head again, makes a grab for Emily’s hand as the shorter girl makes a stand from the bed, “You’re not listening Em. I’m saying that I can’t promise you that I’ll try harder, because I will, but there’s a chance that I’ll fuck it all up again because that’s just who I am, and promising to not hurt you would make me a complete hypocrite, and I’m not willing to do that, to build your hopes up just to tear them down again.”
“What do you suggest then Naomi? Because it has to be more than no promises at all.”
Emily watches carefully as Naomi bites at her lip for a second before holding her gaze intensely, “Okay... I promise not to make you any worthless promises, because that’s all a promise is Emily, it’s just empty words, and promises get broken all of the damn time,” Naomi pauses to let out a breath, takes a step closer to Emily until there’s barely any space between them; their eyes never leaving each other, “I’m offering you now Ems; not tomorrow, not next week, not next year, but right now. I can’t make you any promises because I can’t be sure that life won’t all go tits up, but I know that I want to, and that I can give you now. I just need you to let me Ems.”
Emily doesn’t respond, repeats the word ‘now,’ over and over again in her mind. Tries to think how that fits in with all of the expectations she has for them. It doesn’t take her long to realise what really matters to her in all of this chaos.
As Emily closes the last of the gap between them and capture Naomi’s lips in a deep, searing kiss, she can’t help but think that people are right to warn you to “be careful what you wish for,” because nobody ever tells you that you might get everything you’ve ever wanted but just a little differently to how you imagined it to be.
And maybe love isn’t always enough, but then again nothing in life is guaranteed, so maybe love can be enough if given half the chance.
Emily used to think it was all rather stupid, the way people would say “be careful what you wish for,” - surely, it would all be a bit pointless to waste energy on a wish that you hadn’t spent hours of your life contemplating in some way or another - and yet now, with her hand resting warmly inside of Naomi’s as they walked in silence away from the ball, it’s the only thought that comes to mind.
This, Naomi, was what she’d wished for, for as long as she can remember, and now that she finally has what she’s always wanted, Emily finds the whole situation a little disarming, - thinks that maybe she should have been a little more careful, instead of conjuring some wonderful, sparkly fantasy of what their romance could be like - that instead, what’s she’s left with, is the blunt, saddening reality that what they actually have is far less than perfect by any means of the word.
It’s unsettling for Emily, to realise that she’s finally going to have to pack away those ideas of what could have been and instead prepare herself to deal with what they are. She’s not really sure what she’s supposed to do now that they’ve reached this point - that point being, that Naomi finally stopped being a spineless twat and actually showed that she cared - doesn’t really know what either of them are going to say to make this, them, right enough for all of their messy past to just become meaningless in one night.
Naomi squeezes her hand a little tighter out of nowhere and it makes Emily relax a little; tilting her head to find blue eyes and offering a reassuring half smile. And it is that, only a half smile, because its become tiring over the months, to always have to be the one who is solid, when all she’s ever really wanted is for Naomi to let her melt in her arms and be the one to tell her that she’s not alone in going through this, whatever it is - it makes a sharp pain twinge in her chest to realise it doesn’t even have a name, a title; after all that they’ve been through, it’s still undefined .
She squeezes Naomi’s hand back because it’s all she can think to do; she’s still waiting for the right words to describe all that’s between them, and isn’t between them. She relishes in the last few moments of peace before they get back to Naomi’s house and this goes from being her wish coming true - and it still makes her lips twitch up into a smile to know that she did get the girl - to them having to deal with all of the consequences of what her wish actually means.
It’s when they’ve finally made it back to Naomi’s house, are hidden away safely in Naomi’s room behind closed doors that Emily thinks she might have found what she wants to say. She lets go of Naomi’s hand and sits on the edge of her bed, waits patiently for Naomi to be the one to go first, to shatter her illusion, of her very own fairytale, for good.
Naomi stands awkwardly in front of her, shuffles a little uncomfortably on her feet until her eyes connect with Emily’s, and the tense way her lips are pursed together suddenly lifts into a radiant, but shy smile.
“I love you.”
It takes Emily a little off guard - It still seems a little foreign to hear Naomi speak those three words, yet alone direct them at her - and yet even as her breath catches in her throat, she’s not sure it’s going to be this simple. In fact she’s almost incredibly sure that it won’t be, can’t be.
Naomi’s biting at her bottom lip; nervousness washed clearly over the blonde’s face, by the time that Emily realises that she hasn’t responded to the admission at all.
Emily says the words over in her head a few times, knows that they could come out completely wrong and hurtful depending on how she delivers them, and yet she refuses to shy away from this anymore, from anyone, but most importantly from herself.
It had felt exhilarating to finally stand up to Katie, to break - Emily thinks ‘away’ would be... incorrect somehow, because she’d never really had the desire to stop being a twin, to diminish Katie from her life altogether. It had been more of a wanting; a need to be seen as an individual and not just a part of whatever mould Katie was creating for them - through, she finally fills in. It had been desperation to break through to Katie, and to everyone that she was there, that Emily Fitch was her own person and could make decisions for herself, and damn well speak for herself too.
“I know you do,” and it’s true, Emily’s sure that Naomi does love her - in the best way that Naomi knows how to love anyone - but there’s a weight crushing down against her chest, one that she’s sure won’t be gone until she knows for certain that Naomi doesn’t just feel it; wants her to understand it.
Emily holds Naomi’s gaze, dares her almost to look away, to give her one more reason to feel her heart sinking, but it doesn’t happen. Naomi looks uncomfortable under the intensity of her gaze; her pale cheeks are flushed and her eyes glistening, but she keeps their eyes locked despite it all.
“It’s not enough y’know,” Emily’s made sure to soften her voice; hates a little how it ends up coming out thick and wrapped up in emotion, “That you love me, I mean.”
Emily studies Naomi, waits for her eyes to give away her reaction; thinks her eyebrow will quirk up in surprise. But surprise doesn’t come. Instead, Naomi’s painfully clear blue eyes are clouded with acknowledgement... and it’s that - acknowledgement - that make Emily’s eyes water up involuntarily.
Naomi moves swiftly across the small space separating them, perches down on the end of the bed next to Emily; reaches tentatively for Emily’s hand before seeking out her eyes, “I owe you a rather long, and overdue apology on how much of a heartless cunt I’ve been this year, huh?”
It makes Emily snigger, a smile following seconds later, “That would be a good place to start, but it’s a lot more-”
“Complicated than that, I know.”
Emily shakes her head, wants to makes sure that this is really getting through, “I’m serious Naomi, love alone, it’s not enough for me, or for you... and it’s definitely not enough for us.”
Naomi opens her mouth, obviously on the edge of reeling off another smart-arsed comment when she catches the look on Emily’s face. It stops her dead in her tracks, forces her eyes to drop away from Emily’s as a deep sigh falls from her lips. There’s a moment’s pause before she replies with, “I didn’t think it would be.”
Emily reaches over, gently tilts Naomi’s head back up so that their eyes can find each other again, “It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, or that I don’t want you to love me back,” she lets out a shaky breath and runs a hand carelessly through her hair, “I want more than just that. It has to be more than what it already is Naomi... the way we are together, it’s just- it’s not right for us to hurt each other this much and still want to be together.”
Naomi nods her head in agreement, “I don’t like being a total twat and hurting you Emily, and I really mean it when I say to you that I’m fucking sorry.”
It’s the second time, Emily thinks, as she feels Naomi’s fingertips gently brush her fringe away from her eyes before stilling on her cheek; thumb running delicately over her cheekbone, that Naomi’s ever looked sincere about any of the words spoken between them (the other being the newly spoken “I love you.”)
She leans in to Naomi’s touch, smiles properly at her for the first time that night, “You’re forgiven for being a total cow,” Naomi rolls her eyes in response and Emily has to remind herself not to look so fucking sappy, because she’s just that smitten with the blonde, that even her irritating eye roll is something she’s grown to adore, “And I’m sorry too, for hurting you, for JJ...”
Naomi shuts her up with a lingering kiss, “Forgiven,” and Emily leans in and kisses her again just because she can - knows that they still need to talk that event through but she’s willing to let Naomi drop it just for now - “So what now Ems? I mean-”
“Now... now we just promise to try harder I guess,” Emily responds with a shrug, not really knowing how to plan out what will make their relationship more than what it is. Doesn’t know how to take the image she has of them in her head and make it less of a childish version of love and actually fit the reality of what they’re dealing with.
Naomi’s quite for a long second, interrupts any thoughts Emily may be having with a sharp shake of her head and a firm, “No.”
It takes Emily a second to react, not quite sure that she’s heard correctly, “No? What’d you mean ‘no’?”
Naomi steadies her with a pointed gaze, “I mean, I’m not going to sit here and make you a bunch of promises that I’m not sure I can keep.”
It’s the overwhelming feeling of disappointment that makes Emily scoff, - and fuck it, she’s not even all that shocked this time, by how hurtful Naomi’s words can be - finds herself irrationally angry, “Well what the fuck Naomi? Do you just expect us to go on the way we are? Because I’m not sure I want to... I’m not sure I can do this anymore if it’s going to be like that again.”
Naomi shakes her head again, makes a grab for Emily’s hand as the shorter girl makes a stand from the bed, “You’re not listening Em. I’m saying that I can’t promise you that I’ll try harder, because I will, but there’s a chance that I’ll fuck it all up again because that’s just who I am, and promising to not hurt you would make me a complete hypocrite, and I’m not willing to do that, to build your hopes up just to tear them down again.”
“What do you suggest then Naomi? Because it has to be more than no promises at all.”
Emily watches carefully as Naomi bites at her lip for a second before holding her gaze intensely, “Okay... I promise not to make you any worthless promises, because that’s all a promise is Emily, it’s just empty words, and promises get broken all of the damn time,” Naomi pauses to let out a breath, takes a step closer to Emily until there’s barely any space between them; their eyes never leaving each other, “I’m offering you now Ems; not tomorrow, not next week, not next year, but right now. I can’t make you any promises because I can’t be sure that life won’t all go tits up, but I know that I want to, and that I can give you now. I just need you to let me Ems.”
Emily doesn’t respond, repeats the word ‘now,’ over and over again in her mind. Tries to think how that fits in with all of the expectations she has for them. It doesn’t take her long to realise what really matters to her in all of this chaos.
As Emily closes the last of the gap between them and capture Naomi’s lips in a deep, searing kiss, she can’t help but think that people are right to warn you to “be careful what you wish for,” because nobody ever tells you that you might get everything you’ve ever wanted but just a little differently to how you imagined it to be.
And maybe love isn’t always enough, but then again nothing in life is guaranteed, so maybe love can be enough if given half the chance.