Feb 26, 2009 23:56
so i got caught up in work and the whole idea of writing in the off hours (besides maintaining my serial killer profile on twitter) has become repugnant to me. but that's wrong. i want to write, i want to keep track of my life and its events. i was afraid for a while of lj folding and thereby stripping me of all the contents i've squirreled away here. but fear is the mind killer, ay? why let it stand in my way...
what i mean to say is i had my first acupuncture appointment today. maybe it's placebo effect, maybe it's chi, but whatever it is i feel amazing. she stuck a few needles in me, gave me some herbs and left me to sit under a heat lamp. shortly, i fell asleep. those who say that acupuncture does not hurt are lying. there are needles and they are sticking into your skin! that shit is painful. interesting though that the pain and intensity varies from location to location. some places felt intense and full of pressure that suddenly released and pulsed as the needle entered. other places felt just like a prick while a few places actually made me cry out. and i have a pretty high tolerance for pain and needles (witness the many holes and inks in my body).
the gist of all this is that i'm kind of amazed that i can feel this way. it makes me realize that regardless a lot of feeling good is within my grasp. it just has to be something i believe in. if i believe i can heal i will heal. if i believe i can be content, i will find the stillness i have been seeking all this time. it is within me.
lying there in the heat lamp, needles sticking out of my head, arms, legs and stomach i really sank into my thoughts. i let sounds and other sensations wash over me. pleasant, it felt a lot like being under water but being part of the water too. the fabric of time and life surrounds me, us, we pass through it and each other as we move through the world.
i also got into my first real car accident. but that feels strangely trivial now. the first thing everyone said to me when i told them about it, including some random latino dudes standing at the corner, was that at least i wasn't hurt. at the time the shock and stress were so overwhelming i didn't appreciate this fact. but now that i've floated out of space and time and come back into my body with the peace of the universe in my grasp i realize it's true. money, cars, objects they come and go at a much faster rate than we do.
i must sleep now. for the first time in my recent memory i feel like sleep could actually come when my head hits the pillow. i feel at peace.