My top five companion choices
It's that time again. The poor old Doc (still DT, as much as I thought it was time for a change, RTD and kazillions of females and boys who like boys disagreed) is alone again and companion-less. So I thought I'd offer the hapless beeb and relative newbie Stevie Moffat some top tips on how to match up a perfect tag-along for the TARDIS travels!
1) Davros. Julian Bleach's masterfully creepy Dalek numero uno would be perfect as a new approach to the show- combining elements of love/hate will he/won't he (stab the doctor to death, at any given opportunity) and the classic 'The Odd Couple' dynamic. Make up some shit plot about Davros having to help the doc or him being on the run or being fitted with a limiter so he can't kill or some nonsense and he has to take refuge with his most hated enemy- THE DOCTOR ( or the oncoming storm, if he's feeling formal). Like Hitler in a kibbutz, this would offer the chance to show Dav as a real person and a rounded human being. Give him some kooky habits like playing jazz at four am in the TARDIS, driving the Doctor BATTY and wearing a smoking jacket. I guarantee high ratings.
2) A Drag Queen. I'm telling you, it's the way to go. 'Best of both worlds' as the sleazy porno tags say- a drag queen would be perfect for the new companion. Looks fab, great for one-liners and good with the heavy lifting. Plus, bloody confusing to aliens. Daleks would be like 'Exter....hang on...why is the female covered in glitter and foam?'
3) Tom Baker. He can even just be himself. I don't care and either will you. Any opportunity to have Lord Tom of Baker back would be worth it. He could just sit there and make snide comments about hair gel and tiny skinny guys whilst eating chips. It would so work. You know it makes sense.
4) Mel. Ah, Bonnie, we remember you fondly from the days of the BBC bravely struggling to get to grips with the new cheap CGI effects in the late 80's and failing miserably except in the marvellous Seventh doc opening sequence which had the TARDIS materialising in a giant pink bubble..uhmmmm. But here's the thing, we could bring back Mel but as a traumatized tough woman who smokes cigars and spits on the TARDIS floor whilst making comments about how she had to shoot three babies in the head or something whilst fighting a war on another planet.
5) A skanger from Finglas. Just think about it. God, the possibilities. Some teenage girl from the Dublin council estates, badly dyed hair, mobile phone permenantly attached to her hand playing shit speeded up techno and a pink track-suit with hoody top. It would be like Rose but two million times more knackery. She would ask 'Wha's tha' ?' about everything, driving the Doc to distraction but she would also be pretty under her cynical veneer and after a few ciders, she'd be off behind the TARDIS shagging Ice-men while the doc looks embarrased. PLus, the sweet strains of 'Aslan' coming out of the console room would be worth the price of admission alone.
1) Davros. Julian Bleach's masterfully creepy Dalek numero uno would be perfect as a new approach to the show- combining elements of love/hate will he/won't he (stab the doctor to death, at any given opportunity) and the classic 'The Odd Couple' dynamic. Make up some shit plot about Davros having to help the doc or him being on the run or being fitted with a limiter so he can't kill or some nonsense and he has to take refuge with his most hated enemy- THE DOCTOR ( or the oncoming storm, if he's feeling formal). Like Hitler in a kibbutz, this would offer the chance to show Dav as a real person and a rounded human being. Give him some kooky habits like playing jazz at four am in the TARDIS, driving the Doctor BATTY and wearing a smoking jacket. I guarantee high ratings.
2) A Drag Queen. I'm telling you, it's the way to go. 'Best of both worlds' as the sleazy porno tags say- a drag queen would be perfect for the new companion. Looks fab, great for one-liners and good with the heavy lifting. Plus, bloody confusing to aliens. Daleks would be like 'Exter....hang on...why is the female covered in glitter and foam?'
3) Tom Baker. He can even just be himself. I don't care and either will you. Any opportunity to have Lord Tom of Baker back would be worth it. He could just sit there and make snide comments about hair gel and tiny skinny guys whilst eating chips. It would so work. You know it makes sense.
4) Mel. Ah, Bonnie, we remember you fondly from the days of the BBC bravely struggling to get to grips with the new cheap CGI effects in the late 80's and failing miserably except in the marvellous Seventh doc opening sequence which had the TARDIS materialising in a giant pink bubble..uhmmmm. But here's the thing, we could bring back Mel but as a traumatized tough woman who smokes cigars and spits on the TARDIS floor whilst making comments about how she had to shoot three babies in the head or something whilst fighting a war on another planet.
5) A skanger from Finglas. Just think about it. God, the possibilities. Some teenage girl from the Dublin council estates, badly dyed hair, mobile phone permenantly attached to her hand playing shit speeded up techno and a pink track-suit with hoody top. It would be like Rose but two million times more knackery. She would ask 'Wha's tha' ?' about everything, driving the Doc to distraction but she would also be pretty under her cynical veneer and after a few ciders, she'd be off behind the TARDIS shagging Ice-men while the doc looks embarrased. PLus, the sweet strains of 'Aslan' coming out of the console room would be worth the price of admission alone.