Do you remember your old Livejournal, the one before thecolddarkfire? Pinkbunny, Princessbunny, something bunny? I somehow found that forever ago and read entry after entry, SHOCKED at how eerily similar we've always been. I was both repulsed and intrigued, and it too was a book I read in anticipation. We're both creepy =D
Anyway!
You didn't have to prove anything to me, Kristen, at least not at first. The only reason I was gunning for our competition to be in my favor was because I felt that on several occasions you had essentially said that I could never be a model, that I could never do what you do. In large ways that was true. I could never, ever be in front of a camera. I could never act, and I could never get on stage and have people judge my every part. It takes so much courage to do half of what you've done, and it's enough to make anyone crazed with jealousy.
Once I proved to myself that I DID have potential and I DID do well with the things I wanted to do, I used that initial feeling to propel me even further, so that no one, not even myself could say that again. It was so unhealthy, and while it led me to grand adventures, it shut me off to parts of myself that I should have listened to. Parts that said, "Slow down!", "Take a break!", "You don't have to push yourself so hard!". In the end it caused a lot of personal damage, happy memories aside. Any extreme is bad, and I've had to learn that the hard way.
I don't regret everything that's happened (as it's led me to a lot of sound realization), but what I regret most is not treating you better internally. I allowed you to affect everything- my mood, my career, my daily life, and all of it was toxic. If I had accepted what and who you were to me, without derogatives, I could have avoided so much anguish. I knew you were wonderful, and I sought to fight against that awareness.
I'm beyond flattered that you found me even remotely interesting. When compared to you and your activities, I often feel like a bore. Again though, I wouldn't be doing much with myself if it wasn't for your push.
Watching you grow, knowing how much you love and are loved, I know that I made a grave mistake in not mending things immediately. I hope that if we do become friends again that that never gets repeated.
I'm not sure where to go from here! Do we just stay up to date on livejournal? Do we chat online? Do we add our facebooks? I'm at a loss. I know that I would love to catch up, as I'm sure so much has changed. Again though, we're at your pace. I'm just so happy that we're finally here, talking this out, and there isn't a single negative thought in my mind. This means the world to me. Really.
Me, interesting?! I felt the exact opposite--sometimes jealous that you get to go on all these exciting adventures, that you had the bravery to up and move to a new place, that you have so many beautiful things at your disposal!
I feel like my life is so boring and average. The only thing I think sets me apart from the masses is that I make a big deal out of everything, good or bad. And likewise, it can be a good or bad trait to have.
But, the good thing about teaching and modeling (you'll soon find!) is the two months off during the summer. Then you can go full-force and there's nothing to stop you, except maybe lack of funds. =)
Yes, to begin with, I was trying to say whatever catty things I could think of that would get under your skin. I was being absolutely ugly.
But to think that you thought you couldn't get on stage... That's absolutely ridiculous! I have never doubted that you loved and thrived in the limelight.
I totally forgot about my old journal. I think it was more whiny than anything, and I remember there being a lot of complaining about Neopets. But I guess we were all whiny at 12 and 13!
I'm excited about all this. I feel like I've finally let go of the last bits of hate and negativity inside of me and it's so absolutely relieving. I hope it is for you, too!
I think I just wanted to add that it feels good for me to, having this be behind us. We might always be on edge, but I hope we're able to push that aside after a while and be friends again =]
Anyway!
You didn't have to prove anything to me, Kristen, at least not at first. The only reason I was gunning for our competition to be in my favor was because I felt that on several occasions you had essentially said that I could never be a model, that I could never do what you do. In large ways that was true. I could never, ever be in front of a camera. I could never act, and I could never get on stage and have people judge my every part. It takes so much courage to do half of what you've done, and it's enough to make anyone crazed with jealousy.
Once I proved to myself that I DID have potential and I DID do well with the things I wanted to do, I used that initial feeling to propel me even further, so that no one, not even myself could say that again. It was so unhealthy, and while it led me to grand adventures, it shut me off to parts of myself that I should have listened to. Parts that said, "Slow down!", "Take a break!", "You don't have to push yourself so hard!". In the end it caused a lot of personal damage, happy memories aside. Any extreme is bad, and I've had to learn that the hard way.
I don't regret everything that's happened (as it's led me to a lot of sound realization), but what I regret most is not treating you better internally. I allowed you to affect everything- my mood, my career, my daily life, and all of it was toxic. If I had accepted what and who you were to me, without derogatives, I could have avoided so much anguish. I knew you were wonderful, and I sought to fight against that awareness.
I'm beyond flattered that you found me even remotely interesting. When compared to you and your activities, I often feel like a bore. Again though, I wouldn't be doing much with myself if it wasn't for your push.
Watching you grow, knowing how much you love and are loved, I know that I made a grave mistake in not mending things immediately. I hope that if we do become friends again that that never gets repeated.
I'm not sure where to go from here! Do we just stay up to date on livejournal? Do we chat online? Do we add our facebooks? I'm at a loss. I know that I would love to catch up, as I'm sure so much has changed. Again though, we're at your pace. I'm just so happy that we're finally here, talking this out, and there isn't a single negative thought in my mind. This means the world to me. Really.
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I feel like my life is so boring and average. The only thing I think sets me apart from the masses is that I make a big deal out of everything, good or bad. And likewise, it can be a good or bad trait to have.
But, the good thing about teaching and modeling (you'll soon find!) is the two months off during the summer. Then you can go full-force and there's nothing to stop you, except maybe lack of funds. =)
Yes, to begin with, I was trying to say whatever catty things I could think of that would get under your skin. I was being absolutely ugly.
But to think that you thought you couldn't get on stage... That's absolutely ridiculous! I have never doubted that you loved and thrived in the limelight.
I totally forgot about my old journal. I think it was more whiny than anything, and I remember there being a lot of complaining about Neopets. But I guess we were all whiny at 12 and 13!
I'm excited about all this. I feel like I've finally let go of the last bits of hate and negativity inside of me and it's so absolutely relieving. I hope it is for you, too!
Reply
I think I just wanted to add that it feels good for me to, having this be behind us. We might always be on edge, but I hope we're able to push that aside after a while and be friends again =]
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