It's Amazing...
...how one conversation with your parents can take away years of progress you've made mentally and revert you back to a five year old.
So yesterday I mention to my father that my friend was getting an imac for his birthday and that I was desperately in need of a new computer and maybe for a bday and xmas we could work something out and then we had a nice long conversation about why my school's IT department sucks and the computer they gave me is falling short of what i need. This was mostly the point of this conversation - to talk about school and my new aptness for digital work; however, he just tells my mother that I expect a computer for my birthday and xmas.
Then today I call my sister and joke with her before I am put on the phone with my mother who I joke with about how much they spend on me birthday and xmas - I should of course know better - this immediately turns into a conversation about my finances and she immediately starts talking down to me like I am not a 21 year old student with an apartment and everything. It quickly escalates so she starts comparing my college prep for tori's and how "I got so much more" and how I'm the only one in the family that needs a new computer every year and she is still working with the one she had before I got my first one. Never mind that she is only using hers for the web and for the occasional powerpoint - nothing near what I am using mine for, never mind that anytime I try to compare myself to tori she jumps down my throat, never mind that I can be talked to like a fucking adult - but why should any of that matter when I am just her dissapointment - the kid who transfered colleges and chose to go into art. The kid she feels like she can't talk about when her coworkers talk about their kids because she "doesn't know what to say." God I wasn't even given the chance to explain that I wasn't expecting a computer from them - but maybe a little help buying it as a gift and when I dared tried to even breach that subject it was a giant circle again where she jumped at me not taking my financial situation seriously and that I didn't need a computer because I was just a student and not a professional. I wish she would actually listen to me when I explain to her that I am developing the first professional portfolio in these years.
I finally cut her off - but now I seriously feel like I just jumped backwards in time and I can't ever get out of this wing of constant criticism from my family. These conversations do nothing but resurface ever sigle conversation we've had like this in the past four years. It brings to light the fight we had before I left to come back here earlier this break - when she flat out told me that "I've changed so much she can't wrap her head around it" Forget the fact that it's a change for the good - that I finally feel like I am in a good place. And then she accused me of only calling her to complain about school - so I stopped trying to talk to her about school and now everytime I talk to her it's just money money money or a rehashing of who I hang out with or that "I left and moved out the day I left for sarasota."
I am seriously at the point where I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. And it's times like these that I never want to go home again - what's the fucking point? I've tried to make things better, I've been a healthier person mentally, and yet my home is the only place where all of that goes out the window. It would make sense to avoid the one place that causes a bipolar person to freak out right? I really can't take it.
I miss Kelsey and summi and tom - the people that I felt I could always talk to about this shit and then go on some wacky adventure with to clear my head. As it is I am stuck in my apartment while my roommate has people over who are just all so clueless that I went for a drive just to get away from it. And now I'm here - in my room with no one to talk to. It pisses me off that my mom can't wrap her head around what her obnoxiousness does to me.
So yesterday I mention to my father that my friend was getting an imac for his birthday and that I was desperately in need of a new computer and maybe for a bday and xmas we could work something out and then we had a nice long conversation about why my school's IT department sucks and the computer they gave me is falling short of what i need. This was mostly the point of this conversation - to talk about school and my new aptness for digital work; however, he just tells my mother that I expect a computer for my birthday and xmas.
Then today I call my sister and joke with her before I am put on the phone with my mother who I joke with about how much they spend on me birthday and xmas - I should of course know better - this immediately turns into a conversation about my finances and she immediately starts talking down to me like I am not a 21 year old student with an apartment and everything. It quickly escalates so she starts comparing my college prep for tori's and how "I got so much more" and how I'm the only one in the family that needs a new computer every year and she is still working with the one she had before I got my first one. Never mind that she is only using hers for the web and for the occasional powerpoint - nothing near what I am using mine for, never mind that anytime I try to compare myself to tori she jumps down my throat, never mind that I can be talked to like a fucking adult - but why should any of that matter when I am just her dissapointment - the kid who transfered colleges and chose to go into art. The kid she feels like she can't talk about when her coworkers talk about their kids because she "doesn't know what to say." God I wasn't even given the chance to explain that I wasn't expecting a computer from them - but maybe a little help buying it as a gift and when I dared tried to even breach that subject it was a giant circle again where she jumped at me not taking my financial situation seriously and that I didn't need a computer because I was just a student and not a professional. I wish she would actually listen to me when I explain to her that I am developing the first professional portfolio in these years.
I finally cut her off - but now I seriously feel like I just jumped backwards in time and I can't ever get out of this wing of constant criticism from my family. These conversations do nothing but resurface ever sigle conversation we've had like this in the past four years. It brings to light the fight we had before I left to come back here earlier this break - when she flat out told me that "I've changed so much she can't wrap her head around it" Forget the fact that it's a change for the good - that I finally feel like I am in a good place. And then she accused me of only calling her to complain about school - so I stopped trying to talk to her about school and now everytime I talk to her it's just money money money or a rehashing of who I hang out with or that "I left and moved out the day I left for sarasota."
I am seriously at the point where I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. And it's times like these that I never want to go home again - what's the fucking point? I've tried to make things better, I've been a healthier person mentally, and yet my home is the only place where all of that goes out the window. It would make sense to avoid the one place that causes a bipolar person to freak out right? I really can't take it.
I miss Kelsey and summi and tom - the people that I felt I could always talk to about this shit and then go on some wacky adventure with to clear my head. As it is I am stuck in my apartment while my roommate has people over who are just all so clueless that I went for a drive just to get away from it. And now I'm here - in my room with no one to talk to. It pisses me off that my mom can't wrap her head around what her obnoxiousness does to me.