Marriage or Singlehood?
Bismilaahir rahmaanirrahim. In the name of Allah the Most Gracious the Most Merciful.
It all started three years ago when I thought I found the one. And then it wasn't him. And last year I thought I found him. Turns out it wasn't him. I thought that if I wanted something so badly, and I worked really hard for it, and doing it the right way, I would get what I wanted. I didn't date, I read as many marriage articles as I can, I looked forward to reading about things that were related to raising a family, and more. But as must as it was easy for me to say that "If this is meant for me, it will be for me", it really isn't that easy. Those words could be passed by the lips but it was not internalized in the faculty that matters most- the heart. It seems like an obvious route. After finishin university, look out for someone and be the best you want to be and somehow, with Allah's Will, that special someone whom you look forward to will appear and then we shall together fight the storms together with our newly bought ship.
Until recently, after a series of incidents and news, it eventually made me truly turn to Allah. Of course before this I asked Allah. But I suppose it was different because I shared it with my best friend and selected close sisters of mine. This time round, it was different. I really felt that eventually, people will get sick of me speaking about the same old concern over and again. About when on planet earth will I get hitched. And the best words to respond to that question was, Insya-Allah and "just pray for me". But like i mentioned before, these are mere words, although I do my best to be as sincere as I can. I was so sad at a particular point of time that I could not even articulate my words to Allah subhanahu wata'ala when I was praying, but my heart was definitely speaking. I asked Allah, what is going on?
About a few weeks back, I attended a marriage course which was specific to just women. I enjoyed it because it reminded me that ultimately, all I should want is Allah. It is not my husband I should please, but Allah. After that I was pretty much excited to get married. On the same week that I attended the marriage workshop, I was reminded by a beautiful sister of the women of Paradise. They are Asiyah (the wife of Fir'aun), Khadijah (the beloved wife of the Prophet salallahu 'alaihiwasalam), Fatimah Az Zahra (the daughter of the Prophet salallahu 'alaihi wasalam) and the beautiful Maryam (may Allah's blessings be with her). I love love love Maryam. She embodies strength and faith in Allah. Of course, so do other women that were stated. But Maryam was special because she was not married. Her tests were abundant. But her heart was with Allah always. Rabiatul 'Adawiyah, the great sufi woman, was also not married. And she achieved so much spiritual contentment. As I contemplated on the stories of these blessed women, the basis of their happiness is not with marriage alone. Their heart was with Allah all along and I wanted that. I felt the desperation and was humbled by everything that has happened to me for the past years in relation to this matter.
Yesterday, Allah has chose me to attend another workshop which talked about the attitude of a single woman. The crux of the matter is this: Singlehood is not a disease, it is a privilege. Subhanallah! There are so many things that I, as a single Muslim woman, have failed to recognize the many blessings of being single. Marriage is not going to solve everything. There is no certainty that getting married will give you happiness. All this while, I kept thinking that I wanted to get married because the rewards of a married person who perform worship would be far greater than the single person. But how can it not? A married person has a lot more responsibilities and rights they have to fulfill. It is only with Allah's Justice and Mercy that He give them more because He tested them with more! And if we were to think that it is only through marriage that we can gain His Pleasure, then we have limited Allah's Bounties for us, as though there is nothing else that we can do to attain His Pleasure. Allah, Ar Rahman Ar Rahim, will not test us beyond our capabilities. We must understand this.
With that in mind, I am not proposing that I abandon the idea of marriage completely. I admit that marriage is one of the biggest opportunity to grow and develop oneself to be a better person. Marriage is a tool towards our own betterment, not a goal that we have to fulfill. I will not allow any negative thoughts or people to affect my own sense of worth. I will focus on myself and live life to the fullest. I am not going to wonder who is the lucky man who will marry me. Because it doesn't matter. He is lucky, full stop. I will learn to embrace aloneness, like I always have. And it will be beautiful. I will focus on being the best daughter that I can be to them so much so that if I eventually get married and have to get out of the house, they will miss me so much. I will focus on being the best friend and sister I can be. I will focus on being the servant of Allah. This is an opportunity for me to uncover and discover my authentic self. What makes you think that you can be happy with someone if you cannot be happy with yourself? Happiness is already inside you, waiting to be unravelled. Find it within. Find it with Allah. Whether you are single, displaced, divorced or married.
There should not be any fear in being single. When we learn to face the fear in the eyes, it will dissolve.
Dear future husband, whether you are in Jannah or somewhere travelling in this ephemeral dunya, i will take my time and you will take your time. When Allah knows it's time, we will definitely meet. Okay? ;)
If you don't have it now, you probably won't need it.
I pray that sisters who are single and married all over the world will realize and actualize their ultimate purpose in this world- to serve Allah.
Wallahu 'alam.