im stilll bitching.
i hate feeling like my whole life from here on out is just going to be a show to impress.
i dont impress. i cant handle it. even if its not said, im expected to impress the perfect family with everything exactly how it should be with a family. i cant impress them. they know i dont deserve their daughter. im some poor kid who spent part of my life in a trailor. yeah i dont have a 4.0, im not preppy, or very attractive. im not polite. im not on the football team. im not the one that mommy and daddy want to see. and i hate that i even try.
i dont even like going over there. i feel like im being judged. like everything i do is just getting a score. like i'm getting in their entire families way and killing all of their plans just so me and her can hang out. thats not fair. they get mad because my parents dont put as much effort into it. but i dont even expect them to put any effort into it. but its because im just overly independent when it comes to things like that so my family is used to if you can do it then go ahead and do it. not like making plans for every little move. and i hate the fact that i interupt a whole families life just to be with my girlfriend. things shouldnt be like that. but they are.
finally. i hate knowing where my life is going. i feel like the rest of my life will be fallowing the footsteps of my girlfriend. like i have no choice of path. after high school im not going to be a whole lot. i know that. and i know her parents will hate me even more for that. but i dont want to fallow her from school to school like a little puppy dog, living her life. i dont want to be her support group. i understand she is going places. she is expected to go places. but im not. and i dont know if i can handle just fallowing her around to everywhere she needs to go. i dont want to depend on anyone else for my living. i want to barely live, but live because of me. i want the oppurtunity to ditch this town if i feel the need to as soon as i move out. shed never agree to leave. she's too close to her parents. i just want a complete change of scene. and i'm really just hating the fact that i feel like ill puppy dog her until we settle down and have kids. im not ready to think about that yet.
i'm 17. and not a mature 17 either. i need to be out their. i need to be fucking up. i need to end up in a few parties. maybe spend a few nights in jail. i need to understand what i want out of my childhood. i feel like im skipping straight from 16 to 30. and i cant do that. i need my reckless stage. i need my hopeless stage. i need my i'm-a-fuck-up stage. i just need time to grow up. and i feel like everything is forcing me to grow up too fast.
i'm not breaking up with her. its not even like that.
i just want room. and i want to see her now and again. but the way our lifes our looking it looks like she has a future so we cant avoid planning, and she has a future so we cant see eachother alot.
sometimes i wish i would have ended up with someone who is more like me. barely going anywhere and happy with that. that could pay attention to me and spend all their time with me.
i know Darcy tries really hard. but im such an attention whore. and i'm so set on fucking up that its really getting to me.
i know you're going to have a great life. and i'm glad you got that going for you. but i don't. and i'd still never ask for your life.
goodnight.
i dont impress. i cant handle it. even if its not said, im expected to impress the perfect family with everything exactly how it should be with a family. i cant impress them. they know i dont deserve their daughter. im some poor kid who spent part of my life in a trailor. yeah i dont have a 4.0, im not preppy, or very attractive. im not polite. im not on the football team. im not the one that mommy and daddy want to see. and i hate that i even try.
i dont even like going over there. i feel like im being judged. like everything i do is just getting a score. like i'm getting in their entire families way and killing all of their plans just so me and her can hang out. thats not fair. they get mad because my parents dont put as much effort into it. but i dont even expect them to put any effort into it. but its because im just overly independent when it comes to things like that so my family is used to if you can do it then go ahead and do it. not like making plans for every little move. and i hate the fact that i interupt a whole families life just to be with my girlfriend. things shouldnt be like that. but they are.
finally. i hate knowing where my life is going. i feel like the rest of my life will be fallowing the footsteps of my girlfriend. like i have no choice of path. after high school im not going to be a whole lot. i know that. and i know her parents will hate me even more for that. but i dont want to fallow her from school to school like a little puppy dog, living her life. i dont want to be her support group. i understand she is going places. she is expected to go places. but im not. and i dont know if i can handle just fallowing her around to everywhere she needs to go. i dont want to depend on anyone else for my living. i want to barely live, but live because of me. i want the oppurtunity to ditch this town if i feel the need to as soon as i move out. shed never agree to leave. she's too close to her parents. i just want a complete change of scene. and i'm really just hating the fact that i feel like ill puppy dog her until we settle down and have kids. im not ready to think about that yet.
i'm 17. and not a mature 17 either. i need to be out their. i need to be fucking up. i need to end up in a few parties. maybe spend a few nights in jail. i need to understand what i want out of my childhood. i feel like im skipping straight from 16 to 30. and i cant do that. i need my reckless stage. i need my hopeless stage. i need my i'm-a-fuck-up stage. i just need time to grow up. and i feel like everything is forcing me to grow up too fast.
i'm not breaking up with her. its not even like that.
i just want room. and i want to see her now and again. but the way our lifes our looking it looks like she has a future so we cant avoid planning, and she has a future so we cant see eachother alot.
sometimes i wish i would have ended up with someone who is more like me. barely going anywhere and happy with that. that could pay attention to me and spend all their time with me.
i know Darcy tries really hard. but im such an attention whore. and i'm so set on fucking up that its really getting to me.
i know you're going to have a great life. and i'm glad you got that going for you. but i don't. and i'd still never ask for your life.
goodnight.