The lack of me
These days have been anxious but peaceful, i feel like I'm learning more about myself than ever before. Though becoming an adult had its own growing pains- bouts of depression, an eating disorder and an overly critical monkey mind that keeps pointing out the flaws in me - it has been an interesting journey so far in my 28 years on this planet. Did i achieve something great? Not really. Did i inspire people for new, amazing things? Again, negative. But have i observed, learned, thought and felt, sought and found yet lost again. And I am still lost but never truly alone. I have made connections deeper than i could have ever imagined, i met people that have shared such wisdoms that i will be eternally grateful that fate has placed them on my path. With you i shared intimate feelings, surrendered to trust, walked a path voluntarily yet not knowing where it leads. Sometimes i feel so connected to you i am unsure where i end and you begin. I read articles, words that say to find your own path, seek your own destiny. But what if i feel so intrinsically linked to you, to this place, to these souls that no matter what i do, i cannot explicate myself from you. Of course you may say i care too much or that i have some co-dependency disorder (i hate psychologists - what do they know?) but i know who i am, i know that i am defined by piecing together bits and pieces of you. You reflect me and i reflect you, we are parts of the same puzzle, a grand scheme that fits naturally. I tried to explicate myself from you, keep you at distance so i might "define" myself - but what i felt was anguish, pain, anger and betrayal. Why do i have to explicate myself, why am i different, why am i not part of you as you seem to say with such confidence, when all i see if how much of you is in me? Why do you so insist that you are different, unique and therefore so terrifying and beautiful? To me you are comfortable, you are familiar, you are home. Yet with so much pride and anger you scream, you kick, you hurt and say you're not like me. That is not true, because we are alike, cut from the same cosmic fabric. It is nothing but a pretty illusion that we hold up to ourselves, an ego to satisfy our superficial needs. But in truth we all know, I can be you and you can be me. My joy flows through your veins as your sadness flows in mine. If we share but one destiny, let us embrace and watch together how the last thread unravels from the fabric of our being.