definitely don't know what to say, it's a cry for something or other.....

[thechellinator]

Puck is sleeping lazily on my lap, my parents left a few hours ago, i've been sleeping since then, exhausted to tears. i'm pretty sure puck is going to be a hard kitten to leave behind when i go back to corvallis, no pets allowed in my new apartment, he will stay with dan. i'm worried about everything, there's no one i can really talk to. dan says he'll wait it out until i'm done feeling messed up and out of sorts, this doesn't feel like it will ever end. i went to buy puzzles with my mom and we picked out a cheap card table to put it on. i've been needing a good puzzle, just like i feel extremely dissatisfied without being able to read a good book like right now. i have mixed feelings about pirates-2. we saw it last night at 9:30 in a small theater where the screen was too high and my necked got cramped and butt got sore from such and awkward sitting position. The movie at times was so funny and I have not laughed so hard in a really long time, but i was not satisfied with the movie, and i have been returning to old movies instead of going to the theaters to see new ones because every time i go i know that i will be dissapointed with the movie i see. am i just a ba-humbug sucking the joy out of life right now? or is it just that my sleeping schedule is non-existant, that my drugs are failing to help me deal with any time of stress even good stress. my dad looks pale and thin and grey. switching topics dan passed the PCC motorcycle course and has probably been online for the past few hours looking for bikes to buy, i can't say that i'm not worried for him, or do i admit to jealousy? i'm looking at a new bike myself, but i always say that and i always think that i'm serious when i go to look for bikes, but i can't help thinking that i should just throw in the hat on this hobby, be up a few thousand dollars in my bank account, and just be happy having that large sum as a cushion, the question is...would i miss riding? the wind in my face, the numbing of my fingers, the open sky at night, the feeling of nothing between you and the concrete you speed on. would i miss that? Do i miss horseback riding because i do not own a horse? would i give up one to do the other? when are these questions going to be answered, when do i have to make these decisions? to this kitten on my lap, there is not a problem in the world right now. why can't life be as simple as it is when we were children, when we believe what we are told, and trust unconditionally and know no better that you can't trust people in general. when the world was so big and we were so bright-eyed with curiosity and filled with short attention spaned time that was never wasted. mindlessness. the things i'm thinking are better left unthought. i came here to work my butt off all summer and get credit for the most amazing internship ever known, i came here because i knew i would be alone and to get away from everything at the same time. i started a new anti-depressant right when i got to ellensburg, and time passes, and i keep spiraling down with no end to the well. there's a bad taste in my mouth. do you understand? i wait for your call then hit myself for waiting. i wonder what you are thinking then hit myself for thinking. i don't want to say the things i'm thinking, i don't want them to be the truth of the matter, i don't want them to be real, come to life, to listen to this thing in my head, i don't want to. i know what i'm thinking, i know what i mean, i want to hold on, i want this to go on forever. am i making a mistake, nothing is forever. nothing lasts forever. i can't believe i think these thoughts, and i can't tell anyone cause i'm afraid if i vocalize them something will come to pass. it's hurting my head, there's no one i can tell. it's screaming inside of me, all i can do is cry and hold my kitten and hope that this pain wanes a little with time.

i think i'm just going to eat some dinner.