BROKEN: Part 2
SUMMARY: Merlin attends a new school after experiencing a vicious hate crime and meets Arthur Pendragon.
GENRE: Modern AU
RATING: PG-15
WORD COUNT: ~16k
WARNINGS: Descriptions of rape through memories and nightmares; homophobia; potential triggers.
NOTES: Written for fest at hs_merlin; chose prompt because I wanted to write something that was more serious than I usually write with equal amounts of heartbreaking and comforting sweetness. Hope I was able to achieve that.
PART 1
**
Merlin felt bad about not having been able to get Gwen a gift but, unfortunately, his mum was working a double shift and wouldn’t be able to give him a ride anywhere that morning or afternoon to get a gift. Merlin wasn’t “allowed” to take public transit to and from anywhere but school and he couldn’t even consider walking somewhere.
As it was, Will’s mum was leaving Will her car and taking a taxi to the diner where she worked so that Will could take Merlin to Gwen’s birthday party. So when Will picked him up in the late afternoon, Merlin lamented that he felt like an idiot.
“From what you’ve said about Gwen, I’m sure she’ll be happy just that you came,” Will offered in comfort.
Of course, Arthur and Will were right. Gwen was ecstatic that Merlin had come to her party and that he had brought Will along. Merlin started to apologize about not bringing a gift, but Gwen quickly brushed his apology off.
“Everyone’s downstairs,” she told them, leading the way by pulling each of them along by the hand.
“She’s nice,” Will whispered and Merlin saw that he was checking out Gwen’s butt. He jabbed his elbow in Will’s side, causing Will to yelp. Gwen looked at them suspiciously and they both grinned back innocently.
Almost a dozen people were gathered in the basement rec room, pretty much all of them Merlin already knowing from school. He didn’t see Arthur, however.
“Hello, ladies,” Will remarked, his eyes raking over Gwen’s girl friends - Freya, Vivian, Elena and Sophia. Merlin jabbed him in the rib again. “What?” Will said, his expression feigning innocence.
Gwen went about introducing Will to the girls and to Elyan’s friends - Leon, Percy and Lance. Merlin gave them a friendly “hello” - they were all on the rugby team with Arthur and Elyan and were nice enough guys.
“Where the hell is Arthur?” Elyan wanted to know. “He said he’d be here a half hour ago.”
As if on cue, Arthur strolled down the stairs into the rec room, saying, “Keep your pants on, birthday boy.” He gave Elyan a wide grin. Merlin gulped. Arthur did not have the right to be that damn cute.
Arthur handed Elyan an envelope, saying, “Game tickets. You’re welcome.” Then he kissed Gwen chastely on the cheek and handed her the little package that Merlin knew contained the earrings he had helped Arthur pick out for her. Gwen squealed with delight when she opened them and thanked Arthur with a hug. He presented her with another box and, sliding a sly glance and smile at Merlin, said, “Merlin left his gift for you behind in my car.”
Gwen took the package and turned to Merlin, who was trying very hard not to look surprised. She unwrapped and opened the box, finding the silk scarf in hues of pink and purple inside. “Oh Merlin!” she gushed, hugging him so tight Merlin thought he might just break. “It’s beautiful!” She wrapped the scarf - which complemented the mauve sweater she was wearing beautifully - around her neck and went to show it off to her friends.
Merlin caught Arthur’s eye and mouthed “thank you” to which Arthur mouthed back “no problem”, giving Merlin one of his knee-bending smiles. He heard Will make some sort of retching noise beside him but, in the spirit of wanting to have fun, Merlin chose to ignore him.
After everyone was offered soft drinks and snacks, Gwen suggested that they play a fun game that required they all paired up. “But Elyan and Arthur can’t be partners,” she told them, laying the ground rules. “And neither can Merlin and Will. They know each other too well and it wouldn’t be fair.”
So the guests paired up boy-girl - Gwen and Lance, Elyan and Freya, Vivian and Percy, Elena and Leon, and Sophia and Will - leaving Merlin and Arthur to pair up.
“Just so you know, you’re all going down,” Arthur proclaimed loudly. He clapped Merlin on the back and grinned. “Merlin and I make a helluva team as chem lab partners, don’t we Merlin?”
Elyan guffawed. “Yeah. Merlin keeps you from accidentally blowing your experiments up.”
Everyone laughed at this, including Merlin and Arthur. On more than one occasion, Merlin had diverted near disaster by taking away a beaker of something from Arthur before he had the chance to add it wrongly.
Again, Arthur marvelled at his luck at being paired with Merlin, though he strongly suspected from the sour look Will was giving him, that Merlin’s best friend was less than happy about the arrangement. What was with that guy? But Arthur could ignore him so long as he had the chance to hang with Merlin - who looked incredible in jeans and a long-sleeved blue t-shirt which not only made his eyes stand out a deeper and more beautiful blue but somehow set off his cheekbones even more prominently. Arthur gulped and tried to focus his attention on Gwen as she relayed the rules of the game.
The game was relatively simple. Each pair was given a game piece that was moved around a board. To advance, pairs had to respond to questions - separately, written on sheets of paper - the objective of which was to ‘match’ answers. The first team to cross the finish was declared the winners. Arthur had played the game before and knew the challenge was in matching answers with a partner you didn’t know as well as yourself - hence Gwen’s directive that he and Elyan couldn’t be partners just as she and Freya couldn’t be partners and Merlin couldn’t be partners with Will.
The game started slowly - well, for all except Arthur and Merlin who surprised everyone by matching answers to every question they had drawn so far.
“I call cheating,” Elyan protested good-naturedly when Arthur moved their game piece to the final stretch of the board, way ahead of Gwen and Lance who were the next team farthest along. Two more matches and Arthur and Merlin would clinch the win.
“I think Merlin reads minds,” Leon said. “Though I can’t imagine he’d find much in Arthur’s.”
“Ha, ha,” Arthur said amidst a chorus of laughter.
Merlin was grinning as he shook the dice to roll to determine the pile from which the next question would be drawn. Arthur had to admit that he liked it when Merlin grinned or smiled. It warmed his insides.
The dice fell from Merlin’s hand, producing the number six. Merlin reached for a card from the appropriate pile but was prevented from drawing it when Percy up-ended the game board, stating with a devilish grin, “That’s enough of that. Let’s just crown these two the winners so we can be spared any further humiliation.”
Everyone laughed, except maybe Will, and Merlin and Arthur were happy to call it quits so long as they were “crowned” - Gwen gave them each a ball cap to wear - and were given the rights to brag about their victory until another team proved worthy to beat them.
After that, the group ate more snacks, drank more soda and chit-chatted about this and that. Arthur was delighted to see Merlin smiling and laughing, looking like he was having a good time. Whatever had struck him yesterday at the mall seemed to have passed and Arthur looked forward to getting together again with Merlin - perhaps the next time just the two of them.
**
Merlin couldn’t stop himself from grinning on the car ride home. He had had fun at Gwen’s party, something he hadn’t had in a while.
“You seemed pretty cozy with Gwen’s friend Sophia,” Merlin teased Will.
“Yeah, well you seemed pretty cozy with your chem lab partner,” Will returned, his tone decidedly not teasing.
“Will, don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“You know what,” Merlin replied, sighing. “I get that you don’t like Arthur, but he’s my friend--”
“You sure he’s your friend?” Will said. “Let’s see, there’s a pattern here. Popular, good-looking, jock-type, likes to flirt with smitten gay guys...”
“Arthur is not him,” Merlin said, his voice shaking, feeling both upset and angry. It amazed him, but even after all these months, Merlin still could not say Britt’s name out loud - even to Will.
“I’m just looking out for you, Merlin,” Will stated.
“Are you, Will?” Merlin asked, feeling agitated now, his earlier elation vanishing. “Because it really doesn’t seem like it to me.”
Will banged his fists on the steering wheel. “Fuck, Merlin. I can’t--” He seemed to collect himself then said, “I know it was you they hurt, Merlin. But I can’t go through something like that again - finding you like that. Fuck, I still have nightmares about finding you. I thought you were dead, Merlin. Christ, I thought you were dead.”
Will had found him in the park, his pants yanked down to his ankles, his hoodie and t-shirt ripped, his face a bloody mess, his body battered and looking like it was broken. Will had dialled emergency, had thrown up by the trash can, and then had huddled on the grass next to Merlin’s body waiting for the ambulance to come. The paramedics had found him rocking back and forth like a child in the grass, tears streaming down his face, mumbling and pleading for Merlin not to be dead.
Merlin knew it had been traumatic for Will to have had to find him like that. Will had stayed with him practically day and night at the hospital for five weeks, as though he had been afraid that if he couldn’t see him alive and breathing, that Merlin might truly be dead.
“I know,” Merlin said softly. He looked at Will, who was keeping his eyes focused on the road ahead. “But I can’t begin to start healing, Will, until you let me. You keep telling me it wasn’t my fault. But you need to understand that what happened to me wasn’t your fault either.”
“I shouldn’t have let you go the park,” Will said, just like he had a hundred times before.
“We have to move past this, Will,” Merlin told him, feeling heavy-hearted and tired. “Both of us need to move on.”
**
Arthur knew he was smiling like an idiot but he didn’t much care. He felt happy - giddy almost - in finally breaking through some of the barriers Merlin always seemed to put up. Arthur had had fun at Gwen’s party and he thought Merlin had too. Even the eye-daggers Merlin’s friend Will had shot at him throughout the party hadn’t put much of a damper on his high spirits.
“It was fun yesterday, yeah?” he said to Elyan, still grinning like a loon. “You made your move on Freya - finally, by the way - and I think I managed to get Merlin to warm up to me.”
Elyan shook his head, looking at Arthur with amusement. “You’re like a lovesick puppy,” he teased.
“I think maybe I am,” Arthur said, surprising himself as well as Elyan.
Elyan raised an eyebrow. “So, you’re into skinny chemistry geeks now?” he asked.
Elyan knew Arthur’s type and that he generally found athletic boys attractive. There was that Gwaine guy, who had been captain of the rugby team when Arthur had first started at CSS, whom Arthur had had a crush on. And Arthur had fancied a couple of his rugby teammates for a brief time but it was never anything serious.
Arthur shrugged. “I’m into Merlin,” he said.
Elyan grinned at him and said, “Yeah. I’ve noticed.”
**
Feeling encouraged, Arthur decided to step up his ‘courting’ game and invited Merlin to go to the movies. At first, Merlin had assumed that it was a group outing but when Arthur clarified it would “just be the two of them”, Merlin seemed to hesitate before finally accepting.
They decided to go see the latest action flick on matinee at the cinema in Camelot. They got popcorn and sodas and sat in the back row of the theatre because Merlin said he hated it when people behind him put their feet on or kicked the back of his seat. And while Arthur usually left a seat between him and Elyan whenever they went to the movies, he sat next to Merlin, enjoying the idea of being close to him.
Arthur tried to concentrate on the movie, which had all the elements he usually enjoyed but found himself sneaking peeks at Merlin, taking note of his fantastic cheekbones and exquisite bow lips. Elyan was right - he was a lovesick puppy. Once or twice, though, he caught Merlin sneaking a peek at him and this warmed Arthur’s insides and made them tumble.
So when he dropped Merlin off at home after the movie, Arthur decided to go for it and make his move. He hopped out of the car after Merlin, hoping to be invited in for a bit, but Merlin simply stood on the sidewalk, looking adorably awkward.
“Um, thanks,” Merlin said, casting a shy glance at him, which Arthur found incredibly endearing.
Before he had a chance to re-think it, Arthur moved forward and wrapped Merlin in a hug. Then, on a whim, he pressed his lips to Merlin’s, suddenly wanting to know what they felt and tasted like.
Merlin had been surprised by the hug but was caught completely off-guard by the spontaneous kiss. His mind whirled frantically. Arthur’s lips felt good on his but it was too much, too soon. He couldn’t handle it. He wrenched away as though he had been burned, aware of the look of alarm on Arthur’s face.
“Merlin - I’m sorry, I--”
He was shaking and couldn’t bring himself to voice a response. Instead, he turned and rushed up the walkway to his house, closing himself behind the safety of the front door.
After a couple of deep breaths, he chanced a peek out the window and saw Arthur still standing there, looking dumbfounded. He watched Arthur curse and drag a hand through his hair roughly before getting into his car and driving away.
Merlin sank to the floor, hot tears pooling in his eyes. He was completely fucked up. It wasn’t as though Arthur had made unwanted advances. Merlin had put the signals out there and Arthur had just responded to them like any normal guy would. So why couldn’t Merlin just accept the affections of someone he really liked and who seemed to like him?
Because he had trust issues and anxiety and had difficulty trusting his own judgement - all things Arthur had absolutely no clue about. And Merlin was afraid that if Arthur did know, he’d run as fast and as far away from him as he possibly could.
**
When Merlin didn’t show up to school the next day, Arthur started to worry. Was Merlin avoiding him because of the kiss? Arthur had thought Merlin liked him - liked him more than just as a friend - but the way he had seemed to panic and then had run off...
At first, Arthur had brushed it off as Merlin being surprised and hesitant, maybe even a little shy, because they were both, well, boys and he had hoped to have a chance to smooth it over while at school today. But since Merlin hadn’t shown up, Arthur started to wonder if it was more than this. Maybe Merlin didn’t like him at all that way - which meant Arthur had made a complete fool of himself.
He called his sister Morgana to get her take on it and for some reassurance that he hadn’t read everything about Merlin wrong. Six years his senior and a woman, Morgana usually knew about these things better than Arthur.
“He just ran away when you kissed him?” she asked.
“Bolted,” Arthur replied. “Like he’d been set on fire. And not in the good way.”
Morgana was silent for a moment, apparently thinking. “Wait,” his sister said suddenly. “I wonder...”
“What?”
“Um, nothing,” Morgana said, sounding distracted. “I just thought of something but I need to check it out. I’ll send you an email if I find what I’m looking for.”
“Okay,” Arthur said, now curious about what Morgana might have to find. He hoped it wasn’t some Cosmo article outlining “fifty ways to improve your skill at kissing” or some such rubbish.
When he went up to his room after dinner, there was an email message from Morgana waiting for him.
Arthur sat down at his desk, opened the email and clicked on the link Morgana had provided to an archived Camelot Times article dated mid-March with the headline: “Hate Spurs Gang Rape”. He quickly scanned through the article, catching and noting certain phrases... “brutally sexually assaulted and beaten by six youths”... “sixteen year old Mercia High School student”... “believed to be hate-motivated”... “victim, a gay male”...
Oh, God. Arthur remembered hearing about the gang rape and assault that had happened to a boy at MHS but hadn’t given much thought to it beyond how horrific a crime it was to have happened in the neighbouring area. He might have believed that this was not Merlin this horrible thing had happened to, but too many things added up. Besides, the mention of the incident occurring in Ealdor Park later in the article pretty much clinched it.
Arthur closed the window to the article and his email and pressed his hands to his face.
Merlin was the MHS student who had been gang-raped and beaten by those boys. Beautiful, sweet Merlin, whose smile made Arthur’s tongue trip and his insides tumble. No wonder Merlin had been skittish and freaked out when Arthur had kissed him.
With sudden fury that surprised him, Arthur banged his fists on the top of the desk, causing his keyboard to jump askew. He wanted to find every single one of those bastards who had hurt Merlin and inflict terrible pain onto them. How could anyone ever think of hurting Merlin?
He let the anger subside then picked up his phone and rang Morgana.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s him,” he said when she answered.
“Poor baby,” Morgana cooed into the phone.
“What do I do, Morgana?” he asked. “I didn’t know. Now I’ve probably scared him off. And all I want to do right now is hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay.”
“You’ll just have to go slow with him,” Morgana advised. “If you really care about him and want to make things work, you’ll have to go slow.”
“What if he doesn’t want to see me again?” The thought of Merlin now avoiding him made Arthur feel sick.
“I’m sure he’ll come around, Arthur,” his sister said. “Just be patient and go slow with him.”
**
Merlin was not at school the next day either and he hadn’t answered any of the texts Arthur had sent him. So after school, Arthur drove out to Ealdor to Merlin’s house.
**
Merlin was lying in his bed reading the novel assigned for English class. He didn’t want to get behind having missed school the past two days, suffering from a bout of depression that was brought on by his tendency to over-think his reactions. His mum had stayed home from work again, claiming another sick day. Merlin had tried to convince her that he was fine, that she didn’t need to stay home with him, but his mother worried when he slipped into these dark periods and would not listen to Merlin’s reassurances that he would be okay without her.
He had gotten several texts from Will and from Arthur. Merlin had responded cursorily to Will’s texts, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer Arthur’s. Merlin felt incredibly foolish at the way he had responded to Arthur’s kiss and didn’t know what to say to him.
When he heard the doorbell ring in the late afternoon, Merlin assumed it was Will checking up on him, despite Merlin’s assurances through texts that he was fine. He was surprised when his mum knocked lightly on his door and said, “Arthur’s here to see you. Can I tell him it’s okay to come up?”
Merlin’s first instinct was to tell his mother ‘no’ but he knew that wouldn’t really help anything. He had to face Arthur sooner or later.
Arthur knocked softly on his door before opening it up and coming inside Merlin’s bedroom. He gave Merlin a tentative smile and said, “Hey.”
“Hey,” Merlin replied back. He set his novel down on the bed beside him and sat up with his back against the headboard.
“You didn’t answer any of my texts,” Arthur said, running a hand through his hair. “I was worried so I thought I’d come by to see if you were okay.”
“I’m okay,” Merlin said, not knowing what else he should say.
There was silence for a long moment as Arthur darted his glance between the carpet and Merlin. He finally focused his eyes on Merlin and said, “Look, I’m sorry I kissed you.” Arthur shook his head and amended, “No. I’m not sorry I kissed you. I’m just sorry it upset you.”
“It didn’t upset me.”
“Yes. Yes, it did, Merlin,” Arthur said and Merlin now looked away, unable to meet Arthur’s gaze, which had grown intense. “Look, Merlin,” he said. “I know.” The blood in Merlin’s veins turned to ice and there was a buzzing noise in his ears. “I know what happened to you in the park. With those boys from Mercia. ”
He felt his body begin to shake. Merlin pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them to combat the shaking. Before he could stop them, the tears began to run hotly down his cheeks.
The last thing he expected was for Arthur to sit on the bed beside him, pull him close and hold him. Merlin let the tears fall freely - he couldn’t really stop them anyway - as Arthur hugged his body as tightly as he was able.
Merlin finally stopped crying and wiped a sleeve under his nose. “I--I didn’t want you to know,” he said.
“Why?” Arthur asked and tried to get Merlin to look at him.
But Merlin wasn’t ready to face him yet. “Because I’m damaged goods, Arthur,” he said. “Who would want me? I’m not right. I’m broken.”
Arthur put a thumb and finger on Merlin’s chin and turned his face toward him. “You’re beautiful, Merlin,” he said, smiling. “And I want you.”
Arthur folded Merlin into another hug and they stayed like that until his mum knocked on his door to ask if Arthur wanted to stay for dinner.
**
Arthur tried to get Merlin to talk about what had happened but Merlin insisted that he wasn’t ready for that yet and Arthur would not push. One time, when they had both fallen asleep on Merlin’s bed after a Chemistry study session, Merlin woke with a start, his face pale, his cheekbones flushed, beads of sweat on his upper lip and forehead. Arthur knew he had had a nightmare but Merlin had brushed it off, pretending it was no big deal.
Arthur called Morgana for some advice. She gave him the number of a support group for family and friends of rape survivors that she said might be helpful to him. He wasn’t sure if this was what he needed, but Arthur wanted to be supportive for Merlin so he promised Morgana he would call.
**
They were making their way out to Arthur’s car after school when Arthur reached his hand out to link his pinkie finger with Merlin’s. It was the first time Arthur had initiated this kind of public display of affection and, though it warmed Merlin’s insides, it also made him feel uneasy.
He glanced around them for a moment - it seemed nobody had noticed - but he gently pulled his hand away nonetheless.
Arthur gave him a questioning look.
When they were seated in the car, Merlin said, “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to put myself out there, you know? After what happened. It makes me nervous.” He looked away from Arthur and focused his attention on the dashboard.
Arthur nodded then started the engine. He understood and could appreciate that Merlin was reluctant to show signs of his same-sex preference. The boys who had assaulted him had targeted him because he was gay and their ring leader had deliberately used Merlin’s crush against him. Merlin was not going to put himself in a position again where he might end up being exposed and vulnerable. Still, Arthur wished he could hold Merlin’s hand at school or kiss him outside the safe haven of their respective homes. Arthur didn’t care if others knew he liked Merlin - or that Merlin was his boyfriend, though they hadn’t yet discussed that - but Arthur understood that Merlin did care and for good reasons.
Morgana had advised him to go slow with Merlin and the leaders of the support group he had talked to had stressed the need to be patient and to move at a pace the survivor was comfortable with. And that was exactly what Arthur intended to do.
**
Merlin was in the middle of thumbing a text to Will, on route to his locker after last class, when he ran into Valiant - literally.
“Sorry,” Merlin mumbled an apology but Valiant wasn’t about to let him off that easily.
“Oh, hey, it’s Emrys,” Valiant said snidely. He gave Merlin a look that was borderline disparaging then nodded at his friends. “Merlin here is Gauis’ little pet,” he told them. “And Arthur Pendragon’s little...something.”
The boys all laughed and Merlin felt the anxiety rising.
Valiant made a show of looking around. “So where is Golden Boy Pendragon?” he sneered. “You two are always together lately.” Valiant smirked knowingly. “Gotta be sucking each other’s dicks or something.”
Hoots of laughter were drawn from the group now gathered around him. The hallway closed in around him and the surrounding air became heavy, making it hard for him to breathe. He was vaguely aware of Valiant talking and the group laughing but Merlin couldn’t hear what he was saying for the ringing that had started in his ears. Before he was able to catch himself, he dropped to the hallway floor.
**
Arthur was just closing his locker when Elyan rounded the corner, his face showing urgency. “Arthur!” he called. “It’s Merlin!”
A sudden panic gripped Arthur and he quickly followed his friend. In the hallway leading to where Merlin’s locker was located, a small crowd had gathered. Arthur pushed his way through the crowd, Elyan on his heels. He found Merlin at the centre, folded up on the hallway floor, his eyes squeezed shut, his body shaking.
His eyes found Valiant - he should have known - and he glared daggers at him. “What did you do to him?” Arthur demanded angrily.
Valiant lifted his hands, palms out. “Nothing!” he responded defensively. “We were just having a friendly conversation with him and he just passed out or something.”
Arthur looked at Merlin - his body curled up and shaking, his eyes closed tightly. Merlin was in defence mode brought on by a panic attack.
“Merlin?” Arthur coaxed. “It’s me. Arthur. You’re okay now.”
He saw one of Merlin’s blue eyes peek open. Arthur smiled at him.
“Nothing to see here, folks!” he heard Gaius saying as he manoeuvred his way through the crowd toward them. “Get on your ways now,” he told the crowd of students.
Elyan glanced his way and Arthur waved for him to go on. He had appreciated that Elyan had come to get him but he knew Merlin would not want Elyan hovering over him too.
Merlin let Arthur and Gaius coax him into sitting up. Arthur looked at him with concern, noting how pale his skin was, the beads of sweat that had formed on his upper lip, the lost look in his blue eyes - effects of the panic attack.
“Come with me, my boy,” Gaius said, ushering Merlin up off the floor and away toward his office. Arthur followed.
When they got to the office, Gaius turned to Arthur and said, “Let me talk to him a bit first then you can take him home.” He led Merlin into his office, closing the door behind them, leaving Arthur to wait in the hallway.
So he waited, alternating between pacing and leaning impatiently against the wall. He knew Gaius had good intentions and would help soothe Merlin through the after-effects of acute anxiety, but Arthur wanted to be able to help Merlin too.
It was twenty minutes before Merlin emerged from Gaius’ office, looking much better than he had though his cheeks were still quite flushed. Arthur resisted the urge to take hold of Merlin’s hand, remembering how uneasy Merlin was about public displays of affection. What Arthur really wanted to do was wrap his arms around Merlin and hug him tightly, but he supposed that could wait until they were away from school grounds.
Merlin followed Arthur out to his car, sullen and silent. Arthur tried to catch his eyes but Merlin’s gaze held fast to the ground. He continued to stay quiet as Arthur pulled out of the school parking lot, choosing to stare out the window instead of meeting Arthur’s concerned glances.
Arthur drove for a ways then asked finally, “You okay?”
“No,” Merlin said, his tone a mix of distress and anger.
Arthur didn’t know what to say to that so he began with, “Alright--”
Merlin turned his head to look at him, his face now flushed red. “You know how fucking humiliating that was, Arthur?” he voiced loudly. “Collapsing like that? In front of Valiant? Fuck.”
“It wasn’t that bad--”
“How would you know?” Merlin snapped. “You ever have a panic attack? In public? Now the whole fucking school is gonna think I’m a freak. Valiant already thinks I’m a spazz homo who needs you to protect me.”
“Who cares what Valiant thinks?” Arthur said, trying to get a handle on the range of emotions Merlin was expressing.
“Oh, so you don’t care that Valiant announced to all who’d listen that he thinks we’re sucking each other’s dicks?”
“What? No. I don’t care.”
“You’re a liar,” Merlin said.
Arthur knew Merlin was hurting but the words still stung. “Merlin...” he tried.
“Stop the car,” Merlin told him suddenly.
“What?”
“Just let me out here,” Merlin said. “I’ll walk the rest of the way home.”
“Merlin, you can’t walk ho--” Arthur started to say but was cut short.
“The hell I can’t!” Merlin exploded.
Arthur schooled himself to remain calm. He understood that Merlin needed to feel he had some control over his own life. This had been a point the leaders of the support group had made on several occasions. But Arthur wasn’t sure that this was the right way to go about letting Merlin feel control.
Merlin was still glaring at him and Arthur felt a tug of emotion. Sighing heavily so Merlin understood his strong reluctance, he pulled the car over to the curb and stopped to let Merlin out.
Merlin’s eyes registered slight surprise but it didn’t stop him from pulling the door handle and letting himself out of Arthur’s car, a softly spoken “thank you” following his exit.
Arthur watched Merlin walk a few paces before pulling away and on ahead, glancing at the dark-headed boy in his rear view mirror. At the end of the block, he turned the way he would be expected to, but then he directed the car back a few blocks and trailed Merlin a respectable distance behind so that Arthur could be sure Merlin made it home safely.
**
Merlin let himself into the house, the anger and frustration he had been feeling finally slipping away after the hearty six-block walk. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of orange juice. He chugged back half the glass on his way into the dining room, pushing aside the curtain and looking out the window. Arthur’s car was parked a half block down from his house. He knew Arthur had followed him, probably to make sure he had gotten home safe.
Merlin wanted to be angry with Arthur but he couldn’t prevent the warmth from spreading through his body. So he texted Arthur: might as well come in.
**
They sat in the den, each with a glass of orange juice set on the coffee table before them. Merlin knew it was time that he opened up completely to Arthur but he waited stubbornly for Arthur to make the first move. Finally, Arthur did.
“I need to understand, Merlin,” Arthur said, his face showing a range of mixed emotions. “I want to help and be supportive but I need to understand.”
Merlin nodded and told Arthur what he could remember from that night. And Merlin could remember everything - up until he had blacked out.
He told Arthur how he had been infatuated with the most popular boy in the school and how Britt had played him, luring him to the park that night. How he had stupidly ignored Will’s warning and had gone, bubbling with happiness, to meet him. How Britt had brought his friends with him and how they raped and beat him. Merlin opened up completely, telling Arthur exactly what they did to him and the hateful things they had said to him - he told Arthur the things he had not told anyone about that night, not even his mum or Will. And at the end of it all, Merlin was sobbing, relieved to finally unburden himself to someone, to be able to share the horrors he experienced.
When he looked at Arthur, he was surprised to see the tears in his eyes. Arthur reached for and hugged Merlin to his chest.
“God, Merlin,” he whispered, pressing soft kisses to his temple. “How anyone could hurt you like that--”
Merlin let Arthur hold him, feeling safe in a way he hadn’t felt for several long months. It wasn’t just safe in a physical sense but in an emotional way as well. He felt he could trust Arthur. Finally.
**
It was after eleven when Merlin’s mum came home from work and found Arthur and Merlin snuggled up on the den sofa together, both dozing soundly. She gently woke Merlin which stirred Arthur awake.
“It’s after eleven, boys,” she said. “Time for Arthur to go home.”
Merlin yawned, nodding at his mother, and unfurled his body from Arthur’s. Arthur sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Lying on the sofa with Merlin had been cozy but he knew it was time to leave.
Mrs. Emrys went into the kitchen, leaving them to say their goodbyes in the foyer. Arthur had intended say something sweet but before he could get a word out, Merlin grabbed a hold of his shirt front and pulled him in for a kiss. Merlin’s lips were soft, warm and gentle. And in that moment, when their mouths came together, Arthur knew.
When they parted, Arthur whispered ‘goodnight’ then let himself out and was pleased when Merlin continued watching him from the open door as he made his way to his car down the block, got in, started it up, and drove off.
His mother came into the foyer as Merlin closed the front door.
“Do you want to talk about what happened today?” she asked.
“Uncle Gaius?” Merlin said knowingly.
His mother nodded, smiling warmly. “He called me at work and told me what had happened,” she said. “But he said Arthur was with you, so I knew I didn’t have to worry.”
She pulled Merlin into a hug and Merlin was happy to bask in his mother’s comforting warmth. He was nearly seventeen but he didn’t think he would ever be too old for a hug from his mum.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Hunith whispered against her son’s chest.
Merlin nodded. He was in love with Arthur Pendragon. Deeply. And this both warmed him and terrified him. “It scares the hell out of me,” he admitted.
“Well, it wouldn’t be right, love, if it didn’t,” his mum replied, patting his cheek.
**
Arthur loved kissing Merlin. Merlin’s lips were always soft and warm and Arthur felt heady every time their mouths came together. He liked touching Merlin too. Liked the feel of Merlin’s body beneath him - the broad width of his strong shoulders, the plane of his lean torso, the sharp angles of his hips. It was glorious.
His hands roamed Merlin’s body. Arthur touched everywhere he could, his hand finally settling on the bulge at Merlin’s crotch. At first, he touched tentatively, further deepening the kiss. When Merlin responded by arching up a bit, Arthur pressed the heel of his hand down harder. Merlin moaned into his mouth and Arthur responded by increasing the pressure and stroking down with his hand.
But it turned out Merlin wasn’t moaning. Arthur had been so caught up in the moment that he had misread Merlin’s reaction to his hand-stroking, and it wasn’t until Merlin pushed at his shoulders and chest that Arthur realized his ‘moans’ were actually protests for him to stop.
Arthur jumped up off the bed like he’d been struck by lightning.
“Oh God, Merlin, I’m sorry,” he expressed, raking a hand through his hair.
Merlin sat up, pushing a hand that was shaking, Arthur noticed, through his own hair. “Arthur, it’s--”
“I should go,” Arthur announced, overwhelmed by shame and guilt. He had promised that he would never hurt Merlin and, fuck it, he almost had.
With a last guilty look at Merlin and another “sorry”, Arthur bolted out of Merlin’s room, not stopping even for a moment when he heard Merlin call out “Arthur, wait!”
Merlin sat on the edge of his bed, feeling heavy-hearted and dejected. What had just happened? One minute they were kissing and touching, exploring each other. And when Arthur had put a hand to his crotch, Merlin had felt aroused and had arched his body into Arthur’s touch. But then it had suddenly become too intense and Merlin had needed Arthur to back off just a bit. He had intended just to nudge him to slow down but he must have shoved at him because next thing Arthur was jumping up off of him, looking mortified and apologizing. Merlin had tried to tell Arthur that it was okay, that he just wanted to slow things down a bit so he’d feel more comfortable, but Arthur had continued to look mortified and had practically bolted from his room before Merlin had the chance to explain.
Merlin pressed a hand to his eyes. He had driven Arthur away. He was so fucked up because of the rape that he couldn’t even let Arthur touch him without reacting like some hysterical freak and pushing Arthur away. Arthur would never want him now. Why would he? Merlin carried too much emotional baggage to bother with. If Merlin were in Arthur’s shoes, he wouldn’t want him either.
Merlin grabbed his phone and texted Will: can u come over? need to talk.
**
“You’re a jerk,” Will proclaimed when Arthur pulled open the front door of his house in answer to the incessant knocking that had come at nine Saturday morning.
“Excuse me?” Arthur said, staring bleary-eyed at Merlin’s best friend. He opened the door a smidgen and Will took the opportunity to push his way into the foyer.
“I said you’re a jerk,” Will repeated, this time more strongly. He gave Arthur a sour look. “You think you can just bail on Merlin whenever things get a little tough?”
Arthur was not in the mood for Will’s crap. What had happened yesterday was between him and Merlin. Arthur was feeling terrible about it and he could appreciate Merlin talking to his best friend about it, but it was for them to figure out - without Will’s interference.
“Look,” he said to Will, blowing out a sigh. “I get that Merlin is your best friend and that you don’t like me--”
“I don’t fucking trust you!” Will exclaimed.
“Yeah, well,” Arthur returned patiently, “Merlin trusts me.”
Will’s face darkened. “Yeah and look where that’s got him before,” he expressed cynically.
“That’s not going to happen--” Arthur started to assure him but Will cut him off.
“That bastard lured him to that park...and they fucking raped him, Arthur!” Will yelled, anger and pain coming through in his voice. “They fucked him raw and then beat him to a bloody fucking pulp! Do you have any idea what that was like for him? He was a goddamn fucking virgin!”
“Will, I--”
“Do you have any idea what it was like for me to have to find him like that?” Will had lowered his voice but it was still strong with emotion. “I thought he was dead, Arthur. I thought he was fucking dead. And fuck--” He blew out a heavy sigh, the fight slowing easing out of him. “I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.”
Suddenly Arthur understood. While it had been traumatic for Merlin to have gone through what he had, it had been traumatic - though in a different way - for Will who, as Merlin’s best friend, cared deeply for him yet hadn’t been able to protect him. Will felt responsible for what had happened to Merlin and he wasn’t going to let anyone hurt him again.
“I’m not going to hurt him, Will,” Arthur said, knowing it was important to convince Merlin’s best friend that he could trust him. “And I won’t let anyone hurt him - ever.” He held Will’s dubious look. “Please believe me, Will. I love him. I love Merlin.”
Will seemed to let Arthur’s words sink in and then made an assessment which must have ultimately been positive because Will said, “Okay.” He met Arthur’s eyes. “But if you really do love Merlin and care about him, then you’re not gonna bail when things get complicated. You’re gonna be understanding and you’re gonna be with him even when - no, especially when - he feels the most fucked up. Otherwise, Pendragon, you’re still a jerk.”
Arthur conceded that Will had a very good point. He had bailed on Merlin yesterday. Not because Merlin had done anything but because Arthur had felt incredibly guilty. He understood that bolting like he had, had probably made Merlin feel as though Arthur had rejected him and all his emotional baggage. But Arthur hadn’t been rejecting Merlin at all.
And he now owed it to Merlin to talk about it and for both of them to understand how the other was feeling. So after Will left, Arthur quickly showered then got dressed, intending to go over to Merlin’s house so they could talk. Arthur was not going to bail on Merlin ever again.
**
Arthur showed up on his doorstep just before noon, asking Merlin to take a drive with him so they could talk.
Arthur drove a little way out of Ealdor then pulled off the road at a scenic spot and parked.
This was it, Merlin thought, his stomach turning anxiously. Arthur was probably going to tell him that he didn’t want to be with Merlin anymore. That he couldn’t handle Merlin’s emotional hang ups and fucked up psyche. That he wanted a boyfriend who wasn’t going to freak out whenever he touched him.
But what Arthur said was, “I’m sorry I bolted yesterday. I felt ashamed for not realizing I was pushing you too far. But I should’ve stayed and talked to you about it instead of running off like that. It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”
Merlin was stunned. Arthur hadn’t left because Merlin’s emotional baggage was staring to get too much for him? “I thought...I thought I’d driven you away,” he said.
“God, Merlin,” Arthur said, “I didn’t mean for you to think--”
“I thought you were going to tell me you didn’t want me anymore,” Merlin said, cutting him off, relief now mixed with the residual fear he had had of possibly losing Arthur.
Arthur looked at Merlin intently. “I want you, Merlin. I want to be with you always.”
“It’s gonna be hard on you, Arthur,” Merlin said, wanting Arthur to understand what he was getting in choosing to be with him. “You’re gonna be ready to do things I may not be comfortable with yet.”
“We’ll go slow,” Arthur assured him. “We’ll keep going slow until you feel ready.”
“What if it takes forever before I’m ready?” Merlin asked, afraid to hear Arthur’s answer.
But Arthur smiled. “Then I’ll wait forever,” he said.
**
It did not take forever but it did take almost two and a half years before Merlin felt he was ready. Even then, Arthur let Merlin take him first, wanting their first time together to be absolutely perfect.
Merlin let himself into their flat and found Arthur in the kitchen preparing dinner. It was Friday and Arthur usually left the office early on Fridays so that he could go home and have dinner ready for Merlin who, after a long day of counselling youth, preferred a home-cooked meal to take-out.
Arthur looked up from stirring the pasta sauce and smiled. “Hey, beautiful,” he greeted.
Merlin’s insides warmed and tumbled. Arthur was the perfect boyfriend. He was kind and gentle, understanding and forgiving. He cooked and cleaned even after working long hours as a business exec at the company owned by his father. He even tolerated Will’s near constant presence at their shared flat with the patience of a saint - though, to be fair, all of their friends but especially Elyan and Freya, Gwen and Lance spent an inordinate amount of time at Merlin and Arthur’s. Yes, Arthur Pendragon was the perfect boyfriend and Merlin loved him more than anything.
Merlin moved in behind Arthur and pressed his body against Arthur’s back, wrapping his arms around him. “Let’s say we eat later,” he whispered, brushing his lips along the line of Arthur’s neck.
Arthur turned his head and captured Merlin’s lips with his. “Sounds good to me,” he replied.
He then took Merlin’s offered hand and let Merlin lead him into their bedroom.
THE END
GENRE: Modern AU
RATING: PG-15
WORD COUNT: ~16k
WARNINGS: Descriptions of rape through memories and nightmares; homophobia; potential triggers.
NOTES: Written for fest at hs_merlin; chose prompt because I wanted to write something that was more serious than I usually write with equal amounts of heartbreaking and comforting sweetness. Hope I was able to achieve that.
PART 1
**
Merlin felt bad about not having been able to get Gwen a gift but, unfortunately, his mum was working a double shift and wouldn’t be able to give him a ride anywhere that morning or afternoon to get a gift. Merlin wasn’t “allowed” to take public transit to and from anywhere but school and he couldn’t even consider walking somewhere.
As it was, Will’s mum was leaving Will her car and taking a taxi to the diner where she worked so that Will could take Merlin to Gwen’s birthday party. So when Will picked him up in the late afternoon, Merlin lamented that he felt like an idiot.
“From what you’ve said about Gwen, I’m sure she’ll be happy just that you came,” Will offered in comfort.
Of course, Arthur and Will were right. Gwen was ecstatic that Merlin had come to her party and that he had brought Will along. Merlin started to apologize about not bringing a gift, but Gwen quickly brushed his apology off.
“Everyone’s downstairs,” she told them, leading the way by pulling each of them along by the hand.
“She’s nice,” Will whispered and Merlin saw that he was checking out Gwen’s butt. He jabbed his elbow in Will’s side, causing Will to yelp. Gwen looked at them suspiciously and they both grinned back innocently.
Almost a dozen people were gathered in the basement rec room, pretty much all of them Merlin already knowing from school. He didn’t see Arthur, however.
“Hello, ladies,” Will remarked, his eyes raking over Gwen’s girl friends - Freya, Vivian, Elena and Sophia. Merlin jabbed him in the rib again. “What?” Will said, his expression feigning innocence.
Gwen went about introducing Will to the girls and to Elyan’s friends - Leon, Percy and Lance. Merlin gave them a friendly “hello” - they were all on the rugby team with Arthur and Elyan and were nice enough guys.
“Where the hell is Arthur?” Elyan wanted to know. “He said he’d be here a half hour ago.”
As if on cue, Arthur strolled down the stairs into the rec room, saying, “Keep your pants on, birthday boy.” He gave Elyan a wide grin. Merlin gulped. Arthur did not have the right to be that damn cute.
Arthur handed Elyan an envelope, saying, “Game tickets. You’re welcome.” Then he kissed Gwen chastely on the cheek and handed her the little package that Merlin knew contained the earrings he had helped Arthur pick out for her. Gwen squealed with delight when she opened them and thanked Arthur with a hug. He presented her with another box and, sliding a sly glance and smile at Merlin, said, “Merlin left his gift for you behind in my car.”
Gwen took the package and turned to Merlin, who was trying very hard not to look surprised. She unwrapped and opened the box, finding the silk scarf in hues of pink and purple inside. “Oh Merlin!” she gushed, hugging him so tight Merlin thought he might just break. “It’s beautiful!” She wrapped the scarf - which complemented the mauve sweater she was wearing beautifully - around her neck and went to show it off to her friends.
Merlin caught Arthur’s eye and mouthed “thank you” to which Arthur mouthed back “no problem”, giving Merlin one of his knee-bending smiles. He heard Will make some sort of retching noise beside him but, in the spirit of wanting to have fun, Merlin chose to ignore him.
After everyone was offered soft drinks and snacks, Gwen suggested that they play a fun game that required they all paired up. “But Elyan and Arthur can’t be partners,” she told them, laying the ground rules. “And neither can Merlin and Will. They know each other too well and it wouldn’t be fair.”
So the guests paired up boy-girl - Gwen and Lance, Elyan and Freya, Vivian and Percy, Elena and Leon, and Sophia and Will - leaving Merlin and Arthur to pair up.
“Just so you know, you’re all going down,” Arthur proclaimed loudly. He clapped Merlin on the back and grinned. “Merlin and I make a helluva team as chem lab partners, don’t we Merlin?”
Elyan guffawed. “Yeah. Merlin keeps you from accidentally blowing your experiments up.”
Everyone laughed at this, including Merlin and Arthur. On more than one occasion, Merlin had diverted near disaster by taking away a beaker of something from Arthur before he had the chance to add it wrongly.
Again, Arthur marvelled at his luck at being paired with Merlin, though he strongly suspected from the sour look Will was giving him, that Merlin’s best friend was less than happy about the arrangement. What was with that guy? But Arthur could ignore him so long as he had the chance to hang with Merlin - who looked incredible in jeans and a long-sleeved blue t-shirt which not only made his eyes stand out a deeper and more beautiful blue but somehow set off his cheekbones even more prominently. Arthur gulped and tried to focus his attention on Gwen as she relayed the rules of the game.
The game was relatively simple. Each pair was given a game piece that was moved around a board. To advance, pairs had to respond to questions - separately, written on sheets of paper - the objective of which was to ‘match’ answers. The first team to cross the finish was declared the winners. Arthur had played the game before and knew the challenge was in matching answers with a partner you didn’t know as well as yourself - hence Gwen’s directive that he and Elyan couldn’t be partners just as she and Freya couldn’t be partners and Merlin couldn’t be partners with Will.
The game started slowly - well, for all except Arthur and Merlin who surprised everyone by matching answers to every question they had drawn so far.
“I call cheating,” Elyan protested good-naturedly when Arthur moved their game piece to the final stretch of the board, way ahead of Gwen and Lance who were the next team farthest along. Two more matches and Arthur and Merlin would clinch the win.
“I think Merlin reads minds,” Leon said. “Though I can’t imagine he’d find much in Arthur’s.”
“Ha, ha,” Arthur said amidst a chorus of laughter.
Merlin was grinning as he shook the dice to roll to determine the pile from which the next question would be drawn. Arthur had to admit that he liked it when Merlin grinned or smiled. It warmed his insides.
The dice fell from Merlin’s hand, producing the number six. Merlin reached for a card from the appropriate pile but was prevented from drawing it when Percy up-ended the game board, stating with a devilish grin, “That’s enough of that. Let’s just crown these two the winners so we can be spared any further humiliation.”
Everyone laughed, except maybe Will, and Merlin and Arthur were happy to call it quits so long as they were “crowned” - Gwen gave them each a ball cap to wear - and were given the rights to brag about their victory until another team proved worthy to beat them.
After that, the group ate more snacks, drank more soda and chit-chatted about this and that. Arthur was delighted to see Merlin smiling and laughing, looking like he was having a good time. Whatever had struck him yesterday at the mall seemed to have passed and Arthur looked forward to getting together again with Merlin - perhaps the next time just the two of them.
**
Merlin couldn’t stop himself from grinning on the car ride home. He had had fun at Gwen’s party, something he hadn’t had in a while.
“You seemed pretty cozy with Gwen’s friend Sophia,” Merlin teased Will.
“Yeah, well you seemed pretty cozy with your chem lab partner,” Will returned, his tone decidedly not teasing.
“Will, don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“You know what,” Merlin replied, sighing. “I get that you don’t like Arthur, but he’s my friend--”
“You sure he’s your friend?” Will said. “Let’s see, there’s a pattern here. Popular, good-looking, jock-type, likes to flirt with smitten gay guys...”
“Arthur is not him,” Merlin said, his voice shaking, feeling both upset and angry. It amazed him, but even after all these months, Merlin still could not say Britt’s name out loud - even to Will.
“I’m just looking out for you, Merlin,” Will stated.
“Are you, Will?” Merlin asked, feeling agitated now, his earlier elation vanishing. “Because it really doesn’t seem like it to me.”
Will banged his fists on the steering wheel. “Fuck, Merlin. I can’t--” He seemed to collect himself then said, “I know it was you they hurt, Merlin. But I can’t go through something like that again - finding you like that. Fuck, I still have nightmares about finding you. I thought you were dead, Merlin. Christ, I thought you were dead.”
Will had found him in the park, his pants yanked down to his ankles, his hoodie and t-shirt ripped, his face a bloody mess, his body battered and looking like it was broken. Will had dialled emergency, had thrown up by the trash can, and then had huddled on the grass next to Merlin’s body waiting for the ambulance to come. The paramedics had found him rocking back and forth like a child in the grass, tears streaming down his face, mumbling and pleading for Merlin not to be dead.
Merlin knew it had been traumatic for Will to have had to find him like that. Will had stayed with him practically day and night at the hospital for five weeks, as though he had been afraid that if he couldn’t see him alive and breathing, that Merlin might truly be dead.
“I know,” Merlin said softly. He looked at Will, who was keeping his eyes focused on the road ahead. “But I can’t begin to start healing, Will, until you let me. You keep telling me it wasn’t my fault. But you need to understand that what happened to me wasn’t your fault either.”
“I shouldn’t have let you go the park,” Will said, just like he had a hundred times before.
“We have to move past this, Will,” Merlin told him, feeling heavy-hearted and tired. “Both of us need to move on.”
**
Arthur knew he was smiling like an idiot but he didn’t much care. He felt happy - giddy almost - in finally breaking through some of the barriers Merlin always seemed to put up. Arthur had had fun at Gwen’s party and he thought Merlin had too. Even the eye-daggers Merlin’s friend Will had shot at him throughout the party hadn’t put much of a damper on his high spirits.
“It was fun yesterday, yeah?” he said to Elyan, still grinning like a loon. “You made your move on Freya - finally, by the way - and I think I managed to get Merlin to warm up to me.”
Elyan shook his head, looking at Arthur with amusement. “You’re like a lovesick puppy,” he teased.
“I think maybe I am,” Arthur said, surprising himself as well as Elyan.
Elyan raised an eyebrow. “So, you’re into skinny chemistry geeks now?” he asked.
Elyan knew Arthur’s type and that he generally found athletic boys attractive. There was that Gwaine guy, who had been captain of the rugby team when Arthur had first started at CSS, whom Arthur had had a crush on. And Arthur had fancied a couple of his rugby teammates for a brief time but it was never anything serious.
Arthur shrugged. “I’m into Merlin,” he said.
Elyan grinned at him and said, “Yeah. I’ve noticed.”
**
Feeling encouraged, Arthur decided to step up his ‘courting’ game and invited Merlin to go to the movies. At first, Merlin had assumed that it was a group outing but when Arthur clarified it would “just be the two of them”, Merlin seemed to hesitate before finally accepting.
They decided to go see the latest action flick on matinee at the cinema in Camelot. They got popcorn and sodas and sat in the back row of the theatre because Merlin said he hated it when people behind him put their feet on or kicked the back of his seat. And while Arthur usually left a seat between him and Elyan whenever they went to the movies, he sat next to Merlin, enjoying the idea of being close to him.
Arthur tried to concentrate on the movie, which had all the elements he usually enjoyed but found himself sneaking peeks at Merlin, taking note of his fantastic cheekbones and exquisite bow lips. Elyan was right - he was a lovesick puppy. Once or twice, though, he caught Merlin sneaking a peek at him and this warmed Arthur’s insides and made them tumble.
So when he dropped Merlin off at home after the movie, Arthur decided to go for it and make his move. He hopped out of the car after Merlin, hoping to be invited in for a bit, but Merlin simply stood on the sidewalk, looking adorably awkward.
“Um, thanks,” Merlin said, casting a shy glance at him, which Arthur found incredibly endearing.
Before he had a chance to re-think it, Arthur moved forward and wrapped Merlin in a hug. Then, on a whim, he pressed his lips to Merlin’s, suddenly wanting to know what they felt and tasted like.
Merlin had been surprised by the hug but was caught completely off-guard by the spontaneous kiss. His mind whirled frantically. Arthur’s lips felt good on his but it was too much, too soon. He couldn’t handle it. He wrenched away as though he had been burned, aware of the look of alarm on Arthur’s face.
“Merlin - I’m sorry, I--”
He was shaking and couldn’t bring himself to voice a response. Instead, he turned and rushed up the walkway to his house, closing himself behind the safety of the front door.
After a couple of deep breaths, he chanced a peek out the window and saw Arthur still standing there, looking dumbfounded. He watched Arthur curse and drag a hand through his hair roughly before getting into his car and driving away.
Merlin sank to the floor, hot tears pooling in his eyes. He was completely fucked up. It wasn’t as though Arthur had made unwanted advances. Merlin had put the signals out there and Arthur had just responded to them like any normal guy would. So why couldn’t Merlin just accept the affections of someone he really liked and who seemed to like him?
Because he had trust issues and anxiety and had difficulty trusting his own judgement - all things Arthur had absolutely no clue about. And Merlin was afraid that if Arthur did know, he’d run as fast and as far away from him as he possibly could.
**
When Merlin didn’t show up to school the next day, Arthur started to worry. Was Merlin avoiding him because of the kiss? Arthur had thought Merlin liked him - liked him more than just as a friend - but the way he had seemed to panic and then had run off...
At first, Arthur had brushed it off as Merlin being surprised and hesitant, maybe even a little shy, because they were both, well, boys and he had hoped to have a chance to smooth it over while at school today. But since Merlin hadn’t shown up, Arthur started to wonder if it was more than this. Maybe Merlin didn’t like him at all that way - which meant Arthur had made a complete fool of himself.
He called his sister Morgana to get her take on it and for some reassurance that he hadn’t read everything about Merlin wrong. Six years his senior and a woman, Morgana usually knew about these things better than Arthur.
“He just ran away when you kissed him?” she asked.
“Bolted,” Arthur replied. “Like he’d been set on fire. And not in the good way.”
Morgana was silent for a moment, apparently thinking. “Wait,” his sister said suddenly. “I wonder...”
“What?”
“Um, nothing,” Morgana said, sounding distracted. “I just thought of something but I need to check it out. I’ll send you an email if I find what I’m looking for.”
“Okay,” Arthur said, now curious about what Morgana might have to find. He hoped it wasn’t some Cosmo article outlining “fifty ways to improve your skill at kissing” or some such rubbish.
When he went up to his room after dinner, there was an email message from Morgana waiting for him.
Arthur sat down at his desk, opened the email and clicked on the link Morgana had provided to an archived Camelot Times article dated mid-March with the headline: “Hate Spurs Gang Rape”. He quickly scanned through the article, catching and noting certain phrases... “brutally sexually assaulted and beaten by six youths”... “sixteen year old Mercia High School student”... “believed to be hate-motivated”... “victim, a gay male”...
Oh, God. Arthur remembered hearing about the gang rape and assault that had happened to a boy at MHS but hadn’t given much thought to it beyond how horrific a crime it was to have happened in the neighbouring area. He might have believed that this was not Merlin this horrible thing had happened to, but too many things added up. Besides, the mention of the incident occurring in Ealdor Park later in the article pretty much clinched it.
Arthur closed the window to the article and his email and pressed his hands to his face.
Merlin was the MHS student who had been gang-raped and beaten by those boys. Beautiful, sweet Merlin, whose smile made Arthur’s tongue trip and his insides tumble. No wonder Merlin had been skittish and freaked out when Arthur had kissed him.
With sudden fury that surprised him, Arthur banged his fists on the top of the desk, causing his keyboard to jump askew. He wanted to find every single one of those bastards who had hurt Merlin and inflict terrible pain onto them. How could anyone ever think of hurting Merlin?
He let the anger subside then picked up his phone and rang Morgana.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s him,” he said when she answered.
“Poor baby,” Morgana cooed into the phone.
“What do I do, Morgana?” he asked. “I didn’t know. Now I’ve probably scared him off. And all I want to do right now is hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay.”
“You’ll just have to go slow with him,” Morgana advised. “If you really care about him and want to make things work, you’ll have to go slow.”
“What if he doesn’t want to see me again?” The thought of Merlin now avoiding him made Arthur feel sick.
“I’m sure he’ll come around, Arthur,” his sister said. “Just be patient and go slow with him.”
**
Merlin was not at school the next day either and he hadn’t answered any of the texts Arthur had sent him. So after school, Arthur drove out to Ealdor to Merlin’s house.
**
Merlin was lying in his bed reading the novel assigned for English class. He didn’t want to get behind having missed school the past two days, suffering from a bout of depression that was brought on by his tendency to over-think his reactions. His mum had stayed home from work again, claiming another sick day. Merlin had tried to convince her that he was fine, that she didn’t need to stay home with him, but his mother worried when he slipped into these dark periods and would not listen to Merlin’s reassurances that he would be okay without her.
He had gotten several texts from Will and from Arthur. Merlin had responded cursorily to Will’s texts, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer Arthur’s. Merlin felt incredibly foolish at the way he had responded to Arthur’s kiss and didn’t know what to say to him.
When he heard the doorbell ring in the late afternoon, Merlin assumed it was Will checking up on him, despite Merlin’s assurances through texts that he was fine. He was surprised when his mum knocked lightly on his door and said, “Arthur’s here to see you. Can I tell him it’s okay to come up?”
Merlin’s first instinct was to tell his mother ‘no’ but he knew that wouldn’t really help anything. He had to face Arthur sooner or later.
Arthur knocked softly on his door before opening it up and coming inside Merlin’s bedroom. He gave Merlin a tentative smile and said, “Hey.”
“Hey,” Merlin replied back. He set his novel down on the bed beside him and sat up with his back against the headboard.
“You didn’t answer any of my texts,” Arthur said, running a hand through his hair. “I was worried so I thought I’d come by to see if you were okay.”
“I’m okay,” Merlin said, not knowing what else he should say.
There was silence for a long moment as Arthur darted his glance between the carpet and Merlin. He finally focused his eyes on Merlin and said, “Look, I’m sorry I kissed you.” Arthur shook his head and amended, “No. I’m not sorry I kissed you. I’m just sorry it upset you.”
“It didn’t upset me.”
“Yes. Yes, it did, Merlin,” Arthur said and Merlin now looked away, unable to meet Arthur’s gaze, which had grown intense. “Look, Merlin,” he said. “I know.” The blood in Merlin’s veins turned to ice and there was a buzzing noise in his ears. “I know what happened to you in the park. With those boys from Mercia. ”
He felt his body begin to shake. Merlin pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them to combat the shaking. Before he could stop them, the tears began to run hotly down his cheeks.
The last thing he expected was for Arthur to sit on the bed beside him, pull him close and hold him. Merlin let the tears fall freely - he couldn’t really stop them anyway - as Arthur hugged his body as tightly as he was able.
Merlin finally stopped crying and wiped a sleeve under his nose. “I--I didn’t want you to know,” he said.
“Why?” Arthur asked and tried to get Merlin to look at him.
But Merlin wasn’t ready to face him yet. “Because I’m damaged goods, Arthur,” he said. “Who would want me? I’m not right. I’m broken.”
Arthur put a thumb and finger on Merlin’s chin and turned his face toward him. “You’re beautiful, Merlin,” he said, smiling. “And I want you.”
Arthur folded Merlin into another hug and they stayed like that until his mum knocked on his door to ask if Arthur wanted to stay for dinner.
**
Arthur tried to get Merlin to talk about what had happened but Merlin insisted that he wasn’t ready for that yet and Arthur would not push. One time, when they had both fallen asleep on Merlin’s bed after a Chemistry study session, Merlin woke with a start, his face pale, his cheekbones flushed, beads of sweat on his upper lip and forehead. Arthur knew he had had a nightmare but Merlin had brushed it off, pretending it was no big deal.
Arthur called Morgana for some advice. She gave him the number of a support group for family and friends of rape survivors that she said might be helpful to him. He wasn’t sure if this was what he needed, but Arthur wanted to be supportive for Merlin so he promised Morgana he would call.
**
They were making their way out to Arthur’s car after school when Arthur reached his hand out to link his pinkie finger with Merlin’s. It was the first time Arthur had initiated this kind of public display of affection and, though it warmed Merlin’s insides, it also made him feel uneasy.
He glanced around them for a moment - it seemed nobody had noticed - but he gently pulled his hand away nonetheless.
Arthur gave him a questioning look.
When they were seated in the car, Merlin said, “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to put myself out there, you know? After what happened. It makes me nervous.” He looked away from Arthur and focused his attention on the dashboard.
Arthur nodded then started the engine. He understood and could appreciate that Merlin was reluctant to show signs of his same-sex preference. The boys who had assaulted him had targeted him because he was gay and their ring leader had deliberately used Merlin’s crush against him. Merlin was not going to put himself in a position again where he might end up being exposed and vulnerable. Still, Arthur wished he could hold Merlin’s hand at school or kiss him outside the safe haven of their respective homes. Arthur didn’t care if others knew he liked Merlin - or that Merlin was his boyfriend, though they hadn’t yet discussed that - but Arthur understood that Merlin did care and for good reasons.
Morgana had advised him to go slow with Merlin and the leaders of the support group he had talked to had stressed the need to be patient and to move at a pace the survivor was comfortable with. And that was exactly what Arthur intended to do.
**
Merlin was in the middle of thumbing a text to Will, on route to his locker after last class, when he ran into Valiant - literally.
“Sorry,” Merlin mumbled an apology but Valiant wasn’t about to let him off that easily.
“Oh, hey, it’s Emrys,” Valiant said snidely. He gave Merlin a look that was borderline disparaging then nodded at his friends. “Merlin here is Gauis’ little pet,” he told them. “And Arthur Pendragon’s little...something.”
The boys all laughed and Merlin felt the anxiety rising.
Valiant made a show of looking around. “So where is Golden Boy Pendragon?” he sneered. “You two are always together lately.” Valiant smirked knowingly. “Gotta be sucking each other’s dicks or something.”
Hoots of laughter were drawn from the group now gathered around him. The hallway closed in around him and the surrounding air became heavy, making it hard for him to breathe. He was vaguely aware of Valiant talking and the group laughing but Merlin couldn’t hear what he was saying for the ringing that had started in his ears. Before he was able to catch himself, he dropped to the hallway floor.
**
Arthur was just closing his locker when Elyan rounded the corner, his face showing urgency. “Arthur!” he called. “It’s Merlin!”
A sudden panic gripped Arthur and he quickly followed his friend. In the hallway leading to where Merlin’s locker was located, a small crowd had gathered. Arthur pushed his way through the crowd, Elyan on his heels. He found Merlin at the centre, folded up on the hallway floor, his eyes squeezed shut, his body shaking.
His eyes found Valiant - he should have known - and he glared daggers at him. “What did you do to him?” Arthur demanded angrily.
Valiant lifted his hands, palms out. “Nothing!” he responded defensively. “We were just having a friendly conversation with him and he just passed out or something.”
Arthur looked at Merlin - his body curled up and shaking, his eyes closed tightly. Merlin was in defence mode brought on by a panic attack.
“Merlin?” Arthur coaxed. “It’s me. Arthur. You’re okay now.”
He saw one of Merlin’s blue eyes peek open. Arthur smiled at him.
“Nothing to see here, folks!” he heard Gaius saying as he manoeuvred his way through the crowd toward them. “Get on your ways now,” he told the crowd of students.
Elyan glanced his way and Arthur waved for him to go on. He had appreciated that Elyan had come to get him but he knew Merlin would not want Elyan hovering over him too.
Merlin let Arthur and Gaius coax him into sitting up. Arthur looked at him with concern, noting how pale his skin was, the beads of sweat that had formed on his upper lip, the lost look in his blue eyes - effects of the panic attack.
“Come with me, my boy,” Gaius said, ushering Merlin up off the floor and away toward his office. Arthur followed.
When they got to the office, Gaius turned to Arthur and said, “Let me talk to him a bit first then you can take him home.” He led Merlin into his office, closing the door behind them, leaving Arthur to wait in the hallway.
So he waited, alternating between pacing and leaning impatiently against the wall. He knew Gaius had good intentions and would help soothe Merlin through the after-effects of acute anxiety, but Arthur wanted to be able to help Merlin too.
It was twenty minutes before Merlin emerged from Gaius’ office, looking much better than he had though his cheeks were still quite flushed. Arthur resisted the urge to take hold of Merlin’s hand, remembering how uneasy Merlin was about public displays of affection. What Arthur really wanted to do was wrap his arms around Merlin and hug him tightly, but he supposed that could wait until they were away from school grounds.
Merlin followed Arthur out to his car, sullen and silent. Arthur tried to catch his eyes but Merlin’s gaze held fast to the ground. He continued to stay quiet as Arthur pulled out of the school parking lot, choosing to stare out the window instead of meeting Arthur’s concerned glances.
Arthur drove for a ways then asked finally, “You okay?”
“No,” Merlin said, his tone a mix of distress and anger.
Arthur didn’t know what to say to that so he began with, “Alright--”
Merlin turned his head to look at him, his face now flushed red. “You know how fucking humiliating that was, Arthur?” he voiced loudly. “Collapsing like that? In front of Valiant? Fuck.”
“It wasn’t that bad--”
“How would you know?” Merlin snapped. “You ever have a panic attack? In public? Now the whole fucking school is gonna think I’m a freak. Valiant already thinks I’m a spazz homo who needs you to protect me.”
“Who cares what Valiant thinks?” Arthur said, trying to get a handle on the range of emotions Merlin was expressing.
“Oh, so you don’t care that Valiant announced to all who’d listen that he thinks we’re sucking each other’s dicks?”
“What? No. I don’t care.”
“You’re a liar,” Merlin said.
Arthur knew Merlin was hurting but the words still stung. “Merlin...” he tried.
“Stop the car,” Merlin told him suddenly.
“What?”
“Just let me out here,” Merlin said. “I’ll walk the rest of the way home.”
“Merlin, you can’t walk ho--” Arthur started to say but was cut short.
“The hell I can’t!” Merlin exploded.
Arthur schooled himself to remain calm. He understood that Merlin needed to feel he had some control over his own life. This had been a point the leaders of the support group had made on several occasions. But Arthur wasn’t sure that this was the right way to go about letting Merlin feel control.
Merlin was still glaring at him and Arthur felt a tug of emotion. Sighing heavily so Merlin understood his strong reluctance, he pulled the car over to the curb and stopped to let Merlin out.
Merlin’s eyes registered slight surprise but it didn’t stop him from pulling the door handle and letting himself out of Arthur’s car, a softly spoken “thank you” following his exit.
Arthur watched Merlin walk a few paces before pulling away and on ahead, glancing at the dark-headed boy in his rear view mirror. At the end of the block, he turned the way he would be expected to, but then he directed the car back a few blocks and trailed Merlin a respectable distance behind so that Arthur could be sure Merlin made it home safely.
**
Merlin let himself into the house, the anger and frustration he had been feeling finally slipping away after the hearty six-block walk. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of orange juice. He chugged back half the glass on his way into the dining room, pushing aside the curtain and looking out the window. Arthur’s car was parked a half block down from his house. He knew Arthur had followed him, probably to make sure he had gotten home safe.
Merlin wanted to be angry with Arthur but he couldn’t prevent the warmth from spreading through his body. So he texted Arthur: might as well come in.
**
They sat in the den, each with a glass of orange juice set on the coffee table before them. Merlin knew it was time that he opened up completely to Arthur but he waited stubbornly for Arthur to make the first move. Finally, Arthur did.
“I need to understand, Merlin,” Arthur said, his face showing a range of mixed emotions. “I want to help and be supportive but I need to understand.”
Merlin nodded and told Arthur what he could remember from that night. And Merlin could remember everything - up until he had blacked out.
He told Arthur how he had been infatuated with the most popular boy in the school and how Britt had played him, luring him to the park that night. How he had stupidly ignored Will’s warning and had gone, bubbling with happiness, to meet him. How Britt had brought his friends with him and how they raped and beat him. Merlin opened up completely, telling Arthur exactly what they did to him and the hateful things they had said to him - he told Arthur the things he had not told anyone about that night, not even his mum or Will. And at the end of it all, Merlin was sobbing, relieved to finally unburden himself to someone, to be able to share the horrors he experienced.
When he looked at Arthur, he was surprised to see the tears in his eyes. Arthur reached for and hugged Merlin to his chest.
“God, Merlin,” he whispered, pressing soft kisses to his temple. “How anyone could hurt you like that--”
Merlin let Arthur hold him, feeling safe in a way he hadn’t felt for several long months. It wasn’t just safe in a physical sense but in an emotional way as well. He felt he could trust Arthur. Finally.
**
It was after eleven when Merlin’s mum came home from work and found Arthur and Merlin snuggled up on the den sofa together, both dozing soundly. She gently woke Merlin which stirred Arthur awake.
“It’s after eleven, boys,” she said. “Time for Arthur to go home.”
Merlin yawned, nodding at his mother, and unfurled his body from Arthur’s. Arthur sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Lying on the sofa with Merlin had been cozy but he knew it was time to leave.
Mrs. Emrys went into the kitchen, leaving them to say their goodbyes in the foyer. Arthur had intended say something sweet but before he could get a word out, Merlin grabbed a hold of his shirt front and pulled him in for a kiss. Merlin’s lips were soft, warm and gentle. And in that moment, when their mouths came together, Arthur knew.
When they parted, Arthur whispered ‘goodnight’ then let himself out and was pleased when Merlin continued watching him from the open door as he made his way to his car down the block, got in, started it up, and drove off.
His mother came into the foyer as Merlin closed the front door.
“Do you want to talk about what happened today?” she asked.
“Uncle Gaius?” Merlin said knowingly.
His mother nodded, smiling warmly. “He called me at work and told me what had happened,” she said. “But he said Arthur was with you, so I knew I didn’t have to worry.”
She pulled Merlin into a hug and Merlin was happy to bask in his mother’s comforting warmth. He was nearly seventeen but he didn’t think he would ever be too old for a hug from his mum.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Hunith whispered against her son’s chest.
Merlin nodded. He was in love with Arthur Pendragon. Deeply. And this both warmed him and terrified him. “It scares the hell out of me,” he admitted.
“Well, it wouldn’t be right, love, if it didn’t,” his mum replied, patting his cheek.
**
Arthur loved kissing Merlin. Merlin’s lips were always soft and warm and Arthur felt heady every time their mouths came together. He liked touching Merlin too. Liked the feel of Merlin’s body beneath him - the broad width of his strong shoulders, the plane of his lean torso, the sharp angles of his hips. It was glorious.
His hands roamed Merlin’s body. Arthur touched everywhere he could, his hand finally settling on the bulge at Merlin’s crotch. At first, he touched tentatively, further deepening the kiss. When Merlin responded by arching up a bit, Arthur pressed the heel of his hand down harder. Merlin moaned into his mouth and Arthur responded by increasing the pressure and stroking down with his hand.
But it turned out Merlin wasn’t moaning. Arthur had been so caught up in the moment that he had misread Merlin’s reaction to his hand-stroking, and it wasn’t until Merlin pushed at his shoulders and chest that Arthur realized his ‘moans’ were actually protests for him to stop.
Arthur jumped up off the bed like he’d been struck by lightning.
“Oh God, Merlin, I’m sorry,” he expressed, raking a hand through his hair.
Merlin sat up, pushing a hand that was shaking, Arthur noticed, through his own hair. “Arthur, it’s--”
“I should go,” Arthur announced, overwhelmed by shame and guilt. He had promised that he would never hurt Merlin and, fuck it, he almost had.
With a last guilty look at Merlin and another “sorry”, Arthur bolted out of Merlin’s room, not stopping even for a moment when he heard Merlin call out “Arthur, wait!”
Merlin sat on the edge of his bed, feeling heavy-hearted and dejected. What had just happened? One minute they were kissing and touching, exploring each other. And when Arthur had put a hand to his crotch, Merlin had felt aroused and had arched his body into Arthur’s touch. But then it had suddenly become too intense and Merlin had needed Arthur to back off just a bit. He had intended just to nudge him to slow down but he must have shoved at him because next thing Arthur was jumping up off of him, looking mortified and apologizing. Merlin had tried to tell Arthur that it was okay, that he just wanted to slow things down a bit so he’d feel more comfortable, but Arthur had continued to look mortified and had practically bolted from his room before Merlin had the chance to explain.
Merlin pressed a hand to his eyes. He had driven Arthur away. He was so fucked up because of the rape that he couldn’t even let Arthur touch him without reacting like some hysterical freak and pushing Arthur away. Arthur would never want him now. Why would he? Merlin carried too much emotional baggage to bother with. If Merlin were in Arthur’s shoes, he wouldn’t want him either.
Merlin grabbed his phone and texted Will: can u come over? need to talk.
**
“You’re a jerk,” Will proclaimed when Arthur pulled open the front door of his house in answer to the incessant knocking that had come at nine Saturday morning.
“Excuse me?” Arthur said, staring bleary-eyed at Merlin’s best friend. He opened the door a smidgen and Will took the opportunity to push his way into the foyer.
“I said you’re a jerk,” Will repeated, this time more strongly. He gave Arthur a sour look. “You think you can just bail on Merlin whenever things get a little tough?”
Arthur was not in the mood for Will’s crap. What had happened yesterday was between him and Merlin. Arthur was feeling terrible about it and he could appreciate Merlin talking to his best friend about it, but it was for them to figure out - without Will’s interference.
“Look,” he said to Will, blowing out a sigh. “I get that Merlin is your best friend and that you don’t like me--”
“I don’t fucking trust you!” Will exclaimed.
“Yeah, well,” Arthur returned patiently, “Merlin trusts me.”
Will’s face darkened. “Yeah and look where that’s got him before,” he expressed cynically.
“That’s not going to happen--” Arthur started to assure him but Will cut him off.
“That bastard lured him to that park...and they fucking raped him, Arthur!” Will yelled, anger and pain coming through in his voice. “They fucked him raw and then beat him to a bloody fucking pulp! Do you have any idea what that was like for him? He was a goddamn fucking virgin!”
“Will, I--”
“Do you have any idea what it was like for me to have to find him like that?” Will had lowered his voice but it was still strong with emotion. “I thought he was dead, Arthur. I thought he was fucking dead. And fuck--” He blew out a heavy sigh, the fight slowing easing out of him. “I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.”
Suddenly Arthur understood. While it had been traumatic for Merlin to have gone through what he had, it had been traumatic - though in a different way - for Will who, as Merlin’s best friend, cared deeply for him yet hadn’t been able to protect him. Will felt responsible for what had happened to Merlin and he wasn’t going to let anyone hurt him again.
“I’m not going to hurt him, Will,” Arthur said, knowing it was important to convince Merlin’s best friend that he could trust him. “And I won’t let anyone hurt him - ever.” He held Will’s dubious look. “Please believe me, Will. I love him. I love Merlin.”
Will seemed to let Arthur’s words sink in and then made an assessment which must have ultimately been positive because Will said, “Okay.” He met Arthur’s eyes. “But if you really do love Merlin and care about him, then you’re not gonna bail when things get complicated. You’re gonna be understanding and you’re gonna be with him even when - no, especially when - he feels the most fucked up. Otherwise, Pendragon, you’re still a jerk.”
Arthur conceded that Will had a very good point. He had bailed on Merlin yesterday. Not because Merlin had done anything but because Arthur had felt incredibly guilty. He understood that bolting like he had, had probably made Merlin feel as though Arthur had rejected him and all his emotional baggage. But Arthur hadn’t been rejecting Merlin at all.
And he now owed it to Merlin to talk about it and for both of them to understand how the other was feeling. So after Will left, Arthur quickly showered then got dressed, intending to go over to Merlin’s house so they could talk. Arthur was not going to bail on Merlin ever again.
**
Arthur showed up on his doorstep just before noon, asking Merlin to take a drive with him so they could talk.
Arthur drove a little way out of Ealdor then pulled off the road at a scenic spot and parked.
This was it, Merlin thought, his stomach turning anxiously. Arthur was probably going to tell him that he didn’t want to be with Merlin anymore. That he couldn’t handle Merlin’s emotional hang ups and fucked up psyche. That he wanted a boyfriend who wasn’t going to freak out whenever he touched him.
But what Arthur said was, “I’m sorry I bolted yesterday. I felt ashamed for not realizing I was pushing you too far. But I should’ve stayed and talked to you about it instead of running off like that. It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”
Merlin was stunned. Arthur hadn’t left because Merlin’s emotional baggage was staring to get too much for him? “I thought...I thought I’d driven you away,” he said.
“God, Merlin,” Arthur said, “I didn’t mean for you to think--”
“I thought you were going to tell me you didn’t want me anymore,” Merlin said, cutting him off, relief now mixed with the residual fear he had had of possibly losing Arthur.
Arthur looked at Merlin intently. “I want you, Merlin. I want to be with you always.”
“It’s gonna be hard on you, Arthur,” Merlin said, wanting Arthur to understand what he was getting in choosing to be with him. “You’re gonna be ready to do things I may not be comfortable with yet.”
“We’ll go slow,” Arthur assured him. “We’ll keep going slow until you feel ready.”
“What if it takes forever before I’m ready?” Merlin asked, afraid to hear Arthur’s answer.
But Arthur smiled. “Then I’ll wait forever,” he said.
**
It did not take forever but it did take almost two and a half years before Merlin felt he was ready. Even then, Arthur let Merlin take him first, wanting their first time together to be absolutely perfect.
Merlin let himself into their flat and found Arthur in the kitchen preparing dinner. It was Friday and Arthur usually left the office early on Fridays so that he could go home and have dinner ready for Merlin who, after a long day of counselling youth, preferred a home-cooked meal to take-out.
Arthur looked up from stirring the pasta sauce and smiled. “Hey, beautiful,” he greeted.
Merlin’s insides warmed and tumbled. Arthur was the perfect boyfriend. He was kind and gentle, understanding and forgiving. He cooked and cleaned even after working long hours as a business exec at the company owned by his father. He even tolerated Will’s near constant presence at their shared flat with the patience of a saint - though, to be fair, all of their friends but especially Elyan and Freya, Gwen and Lance spent an inordinate amount of time at Merlin and Arthur’s. Yes, Arthur Pendragon was the perfect boyfriend and Merlin loved him more than anything.
Merlin moved in behind Arthur and pressed his body against Arthur’s back, wrapping his arms around him. “Let’s say we eat later,” he whispered, brushing his lips along the line of Arthur’s neck.
Arthur turned his head and captured Merlin’s lips with his. “Sounds good to me,” he replied.
He then took Merlin’s offered hand and let Merlin lead him into their bedroom.
THE END