(no subject)
I'm not happy.
I have realized that what makes me happy is a sense of progress.... a sense that I have accomplished something. When I learn things that are applicable, I am happy. When I do something that I have never done before, I feel content. When I fix a problem or resolve and issue, I feel like I have proven to myself that my existence is worthwhile.
I realize this because today I was exceptionally happy when I recovered from a physical illness and placed 8th out of 106 people in my first official Brawl tournament. I overcame a problem, proved that I had accomplished something, and walked away much wiser and with many things to toy with and experiment with in regards to the video game.
But once I got home, I walked back into the singularity of existence that has been my life for the past 5 years. My apartment was a mess, due to me picking not-neat roommates and having little time and, lets face it, little drive to clean it myself. My car is in a constant state of "I need to fix _____ now", and after dumping over $1,000 into it since I bought it, I now am looking at another 300 or so. My job is another shitty little no-talent no-future time-wasting excuse to try and find a way to maintain some semblance of the quality of life I as an American youth have grown up expecting. I still... after fucking weeks of saying I'd do it... have not had a fulfilling meeting with an academic adviser. And once again, things are in a state of constant repair with my girlfriend.
All of these things are constants in my life. Not since high school have I ever been happy with a girlfriend for more than a few months (tops) without shit starting up and never getting resolved. Every car always needs to be fixed. Money is always tight. Graduation is always just beyond reach. House is always a mess, projects are never finished, exercising is never done enough, my job is never fulfilling.
I wrote an entry almost exactly like this last year. Since then, I have learned one thing. The only thing that can change this constant unhappiness is myself. It's just so fucking difficult when there is no one there to support you. It's hard realizing that no one gives a fuck about you, because in the end, they won't be there with you anyways, and they know it. No family, no close friends, and a girlfriend that I constantly have trust issues with because I am very insecure and she... well... lets leave it as there are issues on both ends.
I have been making the mistake of looking for people who will help push me forward...who will encourage my growth as a person and help me to be BETTER. I've always known it was a fool's errand though. The only person that can do it is me, and I hope to man up and just fucking do it. Maybe I need to cut out all the extras in my life. Take time apart from the girl friend, stop playing games, and just do nothing more than look for a good job, actually try in school, and get my ass in graduation mood.
I have realized that what makes me happy is a sense of progress.... a sense that I have accomplished something. When I learn things that are applicable, I am happy. When I do something that I have never done before, I feel content. When I fix a problem or resolve and issue, I feel like I have proven to myself that my existence is worthwhile.
I realize this because today I was exceptionally happy when I recovered from a physical illness and placed 8th out of 106 people in my first official Brawl tournament. I overcame a problem, proved that I had accomplished something, and walked away much wiser and with many things to toy with and experiment with in regards to the video game.
But once I got home, I walked back into the singularity of existence that has been my life for the past 5 years. My apartment was a mess, due to me picking not-neat roommates and having little time and, lets face it, little drive to clean it myself. My car is in a constant state of "I need to fix _____ now", and after dumping over $1,000 into it since I bought it, I now am looking at another 300 or so. My job is another shitty little no-talent no-future time-wasting excuse to try and find a way to maintain some semblance of the quality of life I as an American youth have grown up expecting. I still... after fucking weeks of saying I'd do it... have not had a fulfilling meeting with an academic adviser. And once again, things are in a state of constant repair with my girlfriend.
All of these things are constants in my life. Not since high school have I ever been happy with a girlfriend for more than a few months (tops) without shit starting up and never getting resolved. Every car always needs to be fixed. Money is always tight. Graduation is always just beyond reach. House is always a mess, projects are never finished, exercising is never done enough, my job is never fulfilling.
I wrote an entry almost exactly like this last year. Since then, I have learned one thing. The only thing that can change this constant unhappiness is myself. It's just so fucking difficult when there is no one there to support you. It's hard realizing that no one gives a fuck about you, because in the end, they won't be there with you anyways, and they know it. No family, no close friends, and a girlfriend that I constantly have trust issues with because I am very insecure and she... well... lets leave it as there are issues on both ends.
I have been making the mistake of looking for people who will help push me forward...who will encourage my growth as a person and help me to be BETTER. I've always known it was a fool's errand though. The only person that can do it is me, and I hope to man up and just fucking do it. Maybe I need to cut out all the extras in my life. Take time apart from the girl friend, stop playing games, and just do nothing more than look for a good job, actually try in school, and get my ass in graduation mood.