why must everything be so HARD for me?
Last night I sat down to start the first lesson of the first unit of grade 12 advanced math. I started at 6:00 with 30 questions to complete the unit. By 10:00 I had successfully completed 8.
This morning I sat down to try and finish the remaining 22 questions. I have 16 more to go, completing only 5 (1 I've NEVER seen before, so therefore screw it until the online tutoring sessions start tonight OR my brother comes home).
So, for 6 hours I slaved over grade FREAKING 12 math only to successfully complete (they're done, but they might not be right) 13 questions. This is grade 12 math. This is the BEGINNING of grade 12 math. This is FACTORING in grade 12 math.
And I dont get it.
Granted I haven't touch math in 2 years, as 2 years ago I slaved for 3.5 hours every Monday and Wednesday night in night school to obtain an 83% in grade 12 general math. When I learned that advanced math was required, MAC admin told me that I wasnt allowed to take grade 12 advanced math because I already had a grade 12 math credit, plus it was gone out of the curriculum because of the C and U stuff.
It's June. I have until July to get 2 units of math done to get a midterm mark to fax off to uO about nursing. I have to finish the course by August. Normally it takes 4 months to finish a course and actually LEARN something. I have just under 2 months, or 60 days to do math, as subject that hates me and I hate it right back. And really, I dont have 60 days. I work 5 days a week, so 5 x 8 = 40 days when I can't do math b/c I'm working or too tired. So really, I've got 20 days to complete a full credit course, with 5 days per unit, and judging by how I'm struggling NOW with the "easy" stuff... I'm screwed.
It's like something WANTS me to fail. Like I haven't failed enough already this year. It seems like everything for everyone else (for the most part) is going well, or is in place, or that for the most part they are happy. I keep wondering to myself, why cant I be happy? when is it my turn to be happy? I know that for the past 2.5 years of my life I had been my happiest (it ending Jan 2004) but that just came crashing down hard on my head as I fell flat on my face. And every time I try to get up something is holding me down, no matter how hard I try to fight it off.
But I can't give up. I can't stop trying. I'll be an even BIGGER failure if I stopped trying. What I want is worth all the tears, the frustration, the lonely Saturday nights spent staying in doing math or chemistry, the carpal tunnel from typing, the eye strain from being at the computer waiting for my turn at an online tutoring session, the money I'm going to pay to be tutored, the complete lack of a social life necessary for me to get these courses done and get into nursing.
I feel as if I'm Frank Grimes from The Simpsons. I work hard at everything and get nothing, and I look around me and see people doing the LEAST amount of work possible and they get everything.
So why should I keep going? Because seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? How does this work? If I become lazy, undisciplined, selfish and self centered, will I THEN get into nursing/get a decent boyfriend/have everything I ever wanted fall right into my lap? Because being a workaholic, rigidly disciplined, unselfish and concerned about other people is getting me NOWHERE FAST.
Maybe I'm just frustrated because I'm stupid and can't figure out how to solve x3 - 2x2 - 16x +32 = 0, or x3 +27 = 0, or x3 - 5x2 - 16x +80 = 0.
Maybe I'm just frustrated because the only person is Alistair's ENTIRE family who DOESNT love me and DOESNT want to spend time with me and DOESNT care about me is ALISTAIR.
Maybe I'm just frustrated because there hasnt been ANY changes to my application status, and their WONT be any until I complete this unit and the second unit for math.
Maybe I'm just frustrated because my family is moving away, just when they started to realize that I'm worth paying attention to.
Maybe I'm just frustrated because I see rude, ugly, selfish people holding hands with their significant other while mine hold my purse.
Maybe I'm just frustrated because I'm boring, and ordinary, and a-dime-a-dozen, and nothing special, and has been traded in for nothing but eventually a better model.
Or maybe I'm just hungry.
What's keeping me going now is very little... almost next to nothing. However, it's enough to push me forward until I actually have something to be happy about IE I have a concrete REASON to continue.
Apparently "Doctors Without Borders" are always in desperate need for nurses. Considering the IRC would be just a bit too dangerous for me, Dw/oB is looking better and better by the day. Neo-natal nursing still interests me, however travelling is in my blood, and I want to leave. Besides, how amazing would that experience be, to travel AND be a nurse? For someone like me it's perfect.
I think I'm going to order pizza.