Far From the Madding Crowd.
I have not seen the inside of a bar in months. Alcohol has become so alien to me, that during Sinulog, a few shots of gin had me singing and dancing like some virginal high school kid on his first drinking binge. My friends have become so used to me declining invitations for parties, night outs, drinking sprees that they've altogether stopped texting me, except for the occasional "Are you still alive?" text. My Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, and Myspace accounts are gathering dust and cobwebs. So are the blogs I used to keep and religiously update. I rarely go anywhere on my own, not even to Ayala or SM or even the nearest sari-sari store. I can't send or reply to text messages without them being scrutinized first. In fact, I can't do anything without asking permission. Period.
Am I in some sort of crazy, super-strict boot camp for 20-somethings with no direction in life, you ask? Have I decided that the real world is much too tedious and decided to quit it altogether and become a hermit instead? Have I found Nirvana in the hands of hundreds of pirated DVDs and 90s books I've stacked over the years and have just come to appreciate?
The answer is YES, but only for the last part. Pirated DvDs, Angela's Ashes, and fantasy novels have become part of my daily life. Just now, I am discovering that Ned Pace of Pushing Daisies is cute, and I'd like to be Kristin Chenoweth's BFF, if she'd have me. For the first two speculations, I'm glad to say that No, I'm not in some boot camp, and No, I have not given up on life no matter how much it sucks sometimes, or people no matter how douche-y some can be.
The simple answer is, I'm just in love.
I know it's cheesy. It's a cliche to the nth power. But it's the truth. I have sacrificed the life I used to live, alienated the people I call friends, given up on things I used to enjoy, for love. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it. I know I'm missing a lot. I'm not young, and if I didn't get out there and go wild, I'd regret it. I miss my friends terribly, but they've assured me that they understand. I'm sure they said that when they thought this was a one month affair. Seeing that we've lasted seven months (and counting), they've given up on trying to coax me out of hiding.
The thing is, I actually like it. I like it that he tells me EXACTLY what he thinks or feels. He tells me EXACTLY what he expects from me. He says, "From now on, you'll have to stay away from bars, drinking, all that sh*t. No more chatting, no more textmates." He only allows me to go out when he's with me or if it's very important. The best part is that he keeps his end of the bargain. What I can't do, he makes sure he never does, too. Our lives revolve around each other, and our families. This is a far cry from my relationships of yore. I'm not saying they were bad, only that focus seemed to be more on fun and freedom, not each other.
The truth is, I feel that this is what I need. I know it's much too Stockholm syndrome sounding, or whatev. But I feel that he is a good influence on me. He's very responsible, smart, caring, firm. And I badly need responsible, smart, caring, and firm in my life right now. I need to know where I'm going, and he's actually helping me get there.
I'm aware that part of this need to always be aware of each other is due to insecurities, fear of loss, and other things that try new relationships. I'm confident that the time will come that we'll both outgrow this. From this experience, we'll emerge confident and sure of each other's love.
I don't know if one day, I'll wake up with a broken heart, and one sore ego, having given up a whole LIFE just for him. But I won't regret it. Because of him, I realized I can love this way, with everything that I am, and have. It's a pretty humbling lesson for someone who thought that he's got "loving" in the bag.
Am I in some sort of crazy, super-strict boot camp for 20-somethings with no direction in life, you ask? Have I decided that the real world is much too tedious and decided to quit it altogether and become a hermit instead? Have I found Nirvana in the hands of hundreds of pirated DVDs and 90s books I've stacked over the years and have just come to appreciate?
The answer is YES, but only for the last part. Pirated DvDs, Angela's Ashes, and fantasy novels have become part of my daily life. Just now, I am discovering that Ned Pace of Pushing Daisies is cute, and I'd like to be Kristin Chenoweth's BFF, if she'd have me. For the first two speculations, I'm glad to say that No, I'm not in some boot camp, and No, I have not given up on life no matter how much it sucks sometimes, or people no matter how douche-y some can be.
The simple answer is, I'm just in love.
I know it's cheesy. It's a cliche to the nth power. But it's the truth. I have sacrificed the life I used to live, alienated the people I call friends, given up on things I used to enjoy, for love. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it. I know I'm missing a lot. I'm not young, and if I didn't get out there and go wild, I'd regret it. I miss my friends terribly, but they've assured me that they understand. I'm sure they said that when they thought this was a one month affair. Seeing that we've lasted seven months (and counting), they've given up on trying to coax me out of hiding.
The thing is, I actually like it. I like it that he tells me EXACTLY what he thinks or feels. He tells me EXACTLY what he expects from me. He says, "From now on, you'll have to stay away from bars, drinking, all that sh*t. No more chatting, no more textmates." He only allows me to go out when he's with me or if it's very important. The best part is that he keeps his end of the bargain. What I can't do, he makes sure he never does, too. Our lives revolve around each other, and our families. This is a far cry from my relationships of yore. I'm not saying they were bad, only that focus seemed to be more on fun and freedom, not each other.
The truth is, I feel that this is what I need. I know it's much too Stockholm syndrome sounding, or whatev. But I feel that he is a good influence on me. He's very responsible, smart, caring, firm. And I badly need responsible, smart, caring, and firm in my life right now. I need to know where I'm going, and he's actually helping me get there.
I'm aware that part of this need to always be aware of each other is due to insecurities, fear of loss, and other things that try new relationships. I'm confident that the time will come that we'll both outgrow this. From this experience, we'll emerge confident and sure of each other's love.
I don't know if one day, I'll wake up with a broken heart, and one sore ego, having given up a whole LIFE just for him. But I won't regret it. Because of him, I realized I can love this way, with everything that I am, and have. It's a pretty humbling lesson for someone who thought that he's got "loving" in the bag.