(no subject)
I'm not sure what to think anymore. Roy broke up with me on Friday and I still don't quite understand it. I've been depressed moody and anxious for a lot of this semester. I haven't been much fun to be around lately, so I don't blame him for getting fed up with it. But it was like there was no hesitation, no regret. I didn't fight him either, I just gave in, I didn't try and change his mind or ask if he was certain about it.
I know its for the best, I haven't been happy and because I've been stressed out about this relationship. Its always brought me more stress than anything. He's been rash and unpredictable, some weeks he called everyday and some he ignored my phone calls and I wasn't always sure why. And paying for everything has been getting to me.
Part of me still wishes that I hadn't been such a bitch the last week, that I had talked to him earlier about why I was upset and tried to work it out. But I don't think he would have changed anyway. Part of me wishes I had at least tried to dissuade him from his decision, it seemed a little random. I miss him. He really wanted to be friends, but it was probably just bullshit and I'd just wind up getting hurt anyway. I just miss the sounds of his voice, I miss the way he smelled. I miss feeling loved, I miss feeling like someone thought I was beautiful no matter what. I miss the Roy I fell in love with, the one who was smart and funny and weird and made puns all the time, who asked me to help him kick his weed and tobacco habit because he wanted to be a better person and it wasn't lie him. who was interested in things like science and books. The Roy that disappeared over this summer. He smokes all the time, got mad if I criticized either the smoking or the weed or his complete lack of money management skills. he never asked about my work or my classes, never invited me to parties (even the kind you bring dates to). I have been listless and boring but I guess in a way he was too.
I sure do miss him though.
I know its for the best, I haven't been happy and because I've been stressed out about this relationship. Its always brought me more stress than anything. He's been rash and unpredictable, some weeks he called everyday and some he ignored my phone calls and I wasn't always sure why. And paying for everything has been getting to me.
Part of me still wishes that I hadn't been such a bitch the last week, that I had talked to him earlier about why I was upset and tried to work it out. But I don't think he would have changed anyway. Part of me wishes I had at least tried to dissuade him from his decision, it seemed a little random. I miss him. He really wanted to be friends, but it was probably just bullshit and I'd just wind up getting hurt anyway. I just miss the sounds of his voice, I miss the way he smelled. I miss feeling loved, I miss feeling like someone thought I was beautiful no matter what. I miss the Roy I fell in love with, the one who was smart and funny and weird and made puns all the time, who asked me to help him kick his weed and tobacco habit because he wanted to be a better person and it wasn't lie him. who was interested in things like science and books. The Roy that disappeared over this summer. He smokes all the time, got mad if I criticized either the smoking or the weed or his complete lack of money management skills. he never asked about my work or my classes, never invited me to parties (even the kind you bring dates to). I have been listless and boring but I guess in a way he was too.
I sure do miss him though.