(no subject)
so i pretty much hate life right now. i had to get up at 630 for a 7am workout which kicked my ass. then i had breakfast then class at 9. showered and went to my 11. then i finally unpacked and did my laundry so i didn't get to take a nap before my 230. then i watched the girls scrimmage in volleyball b/c i still can't wear contacts because they could scar my corneas. i want to go home. i want to go home. then i had dinner and tried to nap. but instead i had a dream that my dad died.
i had a dream that my dad died. and i woke up crying.
i dreamt i got into a fight with yuri but was getting a call from my dad who was flying back from chicago. and the plane was crashing. and i told him i loved him a million times even though when i go home i ignore him he says. i told him to call mom and tell her he loves her. he kept saying that it was ok, he'd be ok. then it went dead. i switched back to yuri crying and was like i have to go. then i borrowed kendalls car and drove home through the night. then i was home. and it was wonderful and horrible.
it was horrible. there was a funeral and all i did was cry. so many people were there adn i just cried. cried. i tried to come back to school
SIDE NOTE: i was explaining why i yell at sara when i'm upset and some kid told me that it sounded like teh justification that his stepfater gave for beating his mother. yea i needed to hear that.
Further side note: his stepfather does not beat his mother. cooooool
so then i tried to come back to school and play softball but i just kept crying. so i came home. and stopped eating. and lost a lot of weight. and kept exercising. and only ate one scrambled egg a day. and i went to yuris swc wrestling to get a break and his mom saw me and i tried to leave b/c i didn't want to be pitied and she found me in the parking lot and gave me a hug and i cried.
i just kept crying. i want to cry so bad but there are people everywhere.
Side note: this place is so clostrophobic. i can't handle it. there are people everywhere all the time. i'm rying to write aned people are looking over my shoulder. get the fuck away from me. the kid tried to hug me to appologize. good idea asshole. i hate you.
do i feel like only a tragic accident will get me home? do i really not see the end of the tunnel that bad? do i feel like that's the only way i will get skinny? would i trade my father to be skinny? do i feel like he doesn't know that i love him? why do i feel this way? i thought i went throught this shit first semester. i don't want my dad to die. but i want to go home. forever. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to be away from home.
my argument with yuri was weird too. he was being really mean and then he said that he guessed i didn't love him as much as he thought to. i got pissed. i told him that if he wanted to dump on me or vent to me fine that's what i'm there for but don't ever hurt me by saying that i dont' love him. then he said something like i'm not doing all i can for the relationship that i should move back. but then i wouldn't be the person i am. southern's a great school but not for me. that's not the type of kid i am. i dunno
i'm so angry. i am so so angry.
sara put on teh fucking satan dish again.
i wnat to die.
ps: my class rank is 361 / 558. way to go asshole
i had a dream that my dad died. and i woke up crying.
i dreamt i got into a fight with yuri but was getting a call from my dad who was flying back from chicago. and the plane was crashing. and i told him i loved him a million times even though when i go home i ignore him he says. i told him to call mom and tell her he loves her. he kept saying that it was ok, he'd be ok. then it went dead. i switched back to yuri crying and was like i have to go. then i borrowed kendalls car and drove home through the night. then i was home. and it was wonderful and horrible.
it was horrible. there was a funeral and all i did was cry. so many people were there adn i just cried. cried. i tried to come back to school
SIDE NOTE: i was explaining why i yell at sara when i'm upset and some kid told me that it sounded like teh justification that his stepfater gave for beating his mother. yea i needed to hear that.
Further side note: his stepfather does not beat his mother. cooooool
so then i tried to come back to school and play softball but i just kept crying. so i came home. and stopped eating. and lost a lot of weight. and kept exercising. and only ate one scrambled egg a day. and i went to yuris swc wrestling to get a break and his mom saw me and i tried to leave b/c i didn't want to be pitied and she found me in the parking lot and gave me a hug and i cried.
i just kept crying. i want to cry so bad but there are people everywhere.
Side note: this place is so clostrophobic. i can't handle it. there are people everywhere all the time. i'm rying to write aned people are looking over my shoulder. get the fuck away from me. the kid tried to hug me to appologize. good idea asshole. i hate you.
do i feel like only a tragic accident will get me home? do i really not see the end of the tunnel that bad? do i feel like that's the only way i will get skinny? would i trade my father to be skinny? do i feel like he doesn't know that i love him? why do i feel this way? i thought i went throught this shit first semester. i don't want my dad to die. but i want to go home. forever. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to be away from home.
my argument with yuri was weird too. he was being really mean and then he said that he guessed i didn't love him as much as he thought to. i got pissed. i told him that if he wanted to dump on me or vent to me fine that's what i'm there for but don't ever hurt me by saying that i dont' love him. then he said something like i'm not doing all i can for the relationship that i should move back. but then i wouldn't be the person i am. southern's a great school but not for me. that's not the type of kid i am. i dunno
i'm so angry. i am so so angry.
sara put on teh fucking satan dish again.
i wnat to die.
ps: my class rank is 361 / 558. way to go asshole