(no subject)
i don't know. i really don't know. i'm not giving up but i don't know what path to take. i've got no more ideas. so not wanting to give up and not having any other ideas... where does that leave me? i'm so frustrated. I don't think i'm asking too much. i think it's unfair that i'm not allowed the same courteousy. i just want to help. i feel so isolated.
i don't know what's going on. i have such unbelievable highs that fall into even worse lows. i can't exactly pinpoint what is wrong. i feel like if i were home this would all be better but i feel that it's just a crutch. i just want to be in my own bed, with yuri an dnot have to worry abou tlife. but what do i really have to worry about huh? i go back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and reprimanding what a whiney little bitch i'm being. geez. my life is awesome. why am i complaining? why can't i be happy.
i'm in a constant state of anxiety and i'm not exactly sure what i'm anxious about. i've been snapping at people and whatnot and i am not happy with myself.
i was rude to my mom on the phone the other day. she doesn't deserve it. i do it because i can, because she takes it. and the worst part? it's because she loves me and misses me and anything i say to her, no matter how harsh and hostile is better than nothing. which is what i've been giving her. nothing. i deliberately hurt her. that is horrible. i manipulate the situation in my favor. i am disgusting. and yet i get so anxious when i'm on the phone with her. i feel like we have nothing in common, or maybe, too much and i feel i'm falling into the trap that is her life. i wouldn't mind becoming my mom or whatever the saying says... but i don't want her life. i can't.
i'm in a class, 20th century italian women writers. it's the shittiest piece of shit shit ever but the readings are amazing. and heartbreaking. do i want a career? do i want a family? do i have to choose? will my husband make the choice for me? will i live with regret? why can't i just live in the present?
the problem is i have so many questions. i've always had the inquizitive nature but most of my questions could be answered by whatever responsible adult was watching over me. now i'm the "responsible adult". who's going to answer my questions. and how can i expect people to answer questions that just can't be answered. i can't handle it. i can't handle the abyss.
chicken tenders at the dining hall tonight. that's a plus i suppose
i don't know what's going on. i have such unbelievable highs that fall into even worse lows. i can't exactly pinpoint what is wrong. i feel like if i were home this would all be better but i feel that it's just a crutch. i just want to be in my own bed, with yuri an dnot have to worry abou tlife. but what do i really have to worry about huh? i go back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and reprimanding what a whiney little bitch i'm being. geez. my life is awesome. why am i complaining? why can't i be happy.
i'm in a constant state of anxiety and i'm not exactly sure what i'm anxious about. i've been snapping at people and whatnot and i am not happy with myself.
i was rude to my mom on the phone the other day. she doesn't deserve it. i do it because i can, because she takes it. and the worst part? it's because she loves me and misses me and anything i say to her, no matter how harsh and hostile is better than nothing. which is what i've been giving her. nothing. i deliberately hurt her. that is horrible. i manipulate the situation in my favor. i am disgusting. and yet i get so anxious when i'm on the phone with her. i feel like we have nothing in common, or maybe, too much and i feel i'm falling into the trap that is her life. i wouldn't mind becoming my mom or whatever the saying says... but i don't want her life. i can't.
i'm in a class, 20th century italian women writers. it's the shittiest piece of shit shit ever but the readings are amazing. and heartbreaking. do i want a career? do i want a family? do i have to choose? will my husband make the choice for me? will i live with regret? why can't i just live in the present?
the problem is i have so many questions. i've always had the inquizitive nature but most of my questions could be answered by whatever responsible adult was watching over me. now i'm the "responsible adult". who's going to answer my questions. and how can i expect people to answer questions that just can't be answered. i can't handle it. i can't handle the abyss.
chicken tenders at the dining hall tonight. that's a plus i suppose