There's more to life than books, you know.

[thebrokenmuse]

So, I've pretty much abandoned this thing. And to be honest, I very rarely ever think about writing in here. I realized tonight that its because I am finding it harder and harder for me to say what I'm thinking. I don't know when it happened, I guess its been a slow process. I am just very unsure of myself as of late. I don't feel like I have anything to offer.

It isn't just online that I have this problem either. Tonight at Six Pence I found myself writing my feelings on the table with my finger without even realizing it. That can't be healthy. It can not be a good thing that my mind has come up with this strange way of expressing myself that I am not even aware of. My mind is so desperate for someone to hear what I am thinking that its writing my thoughts on a table with my hand while my conscious mind is unaware.

I often stay silent when I have things to say. I often don't volunteer myself for jobs or duties I might be fabulous at out of fear that I will disappoint. I find myself unhappy a great deal of the time because I am not creating anything, not helping anyone.

I don't think I have always been like this. I have very interesting and amazing friends and I know they must have seen something in me that peaked their interest. Perhaps one day I will see it too, or maybe I will get more and more afraid of myself and sink more and more into silence.