(no subject)

[thebrokenghost]

 *sigh* this post isnt gonna be any better than my last post... basically... this is just a place where i can rant and blow off some steam... i've just been pretty sad and almost depressed over the past week and i just cant seem to shake it for long... whenever i have a moments pause its all i can think about... how friggin alone i am... how people dont realize how much it affects me... how i have a guy in the middle of nowhere halfway accross the contienent who i know loves me... but denies it to himself and to me, only to let me know that he does care when hes drunk or when im at my wits end... and then i have someone who 'cares for me a bit' but doesnt want any sort of commitment... the only commitment he wants is sex... he's been gone for almost 3 months... has called me once during that time... and for this last month has hardly made any effort to even email me or msg me........... its heartbreaking... because i do love him... and this is the first time im not allowing myself to tell the person... to not give him the satisfaction of knowing he broke me... ill prob give in tho... i cant stand holding it in... if only to be shot down completely... i wnat him to know when he gets home... the only thing i have going for me is someone who lives 2 hours away from me... and its not even a sure thing... ive only ever met him in person once... and it wasnt for very long... and i cant get to knwo him better now, because he doenst have internet and his phone has been cut off.... i dont know when im ever goign to get a break... i think i deserve a break after all this... i cant stand being alone... i cant stand sitting here trying to fight tears anymore... i want to be happy... i want to be genuinely happy with my situation... but i just cant be... i cant stand watching people who are in love... i cant stand the being left out... i wish i had a fix... i wish that someone would just walk into my life and make me feel all right... make me feel like im goign to get thru another day rather than drown in the pool of hurt im in right now... i didnt think it was much... i just wnat someone to love and be loved by... its all i want... someone i am compatible with....

"I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

if i can walk on water if i can tell you whats next
make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire at the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire at the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The looooudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violence, sweet
Perfect words that you said

if i could walk on water, if i could tell you whats next,
make you believe, make you forget..."