A Dark And Inevitable Fate
...So life's a bitch...and then we are met by death which is never cast in a positive light...and from the beginning to the end we are encouraged to engage in the pursuit of happiness...pursuit implies we only ever get to "try our best"...so where in all of this am I suppose see some bright light of joy and blessings when it seems to me is that all there ever is and will be...is darkness...
I did manage to get my truck back...$400 later...I have no positive prospects...I have a very low sense of self worth...and because of this feel completely unproductive...having too much time to think has never been one of my greatest hobbies...I don't enjoy life...I'd like to think I do...but I don't...I love the people I hold dear...and love to be a part of their lives...because it makes me feel as if I serve some purpose other than taking up space...though I'm not sure what that purpose is...now that Stocksdale is home I feel as if I could just fade into the background...I did what he asked of me...now I've got nothing to offer...I'm no longer needed...I don't like to talk about it...and usually don't write about it...because everyone boils it down to melodramatics...most people don't believe in psychological disorder and either label it a cry for attention or something that is just cooked up by medical professionals to make us think a problem exists when it really doesn't...those people annoy the crap out me...because it's very real...and I would never turn my nose up to a cancer patient...so why is this any different...I understand that cancer is fatal and this is not...but I have to live with this for the rest of my life however long it may be...I've tried medicine and hated the person it made me...therapy has too much red tape...everyone is afraid of getting sued...so many boundaries that cannot be crossed...how can someone expect to relate or feel like someone really understands through a glass wall...I'm tired of life...I just want to give up...
I did manage to get my truck back...$400 later...I have no positive prospects...I have a very low sense of self worth...and because of this feel completely unproductive...having too much time to think has never been one of my greatest hobbies...I don't enjoy life...I'd like to think I do...but I don't...I love the people I hold dear...and love to be a part of their lives...because it makes me feel as if I serve some purpose other than taking up space...though I'm not sure what that purpose is...now that Stocksdale is home I feel as if I could just fade into the background...I did what he asked of me...now I've got nothing to offer...I'm no longer needed...I don't like to talk about it...and usually don't write about it...because everyone boils it down to melodramatics...most people don't believe in psychological disorder and either label it a cry for attention or something that is just cooked up by medical professionals to make us think a problem exists when it really doesn't...those people annoy the crap out me...because it's very real...and I would never turn my nose up to a cancer patient...so why is this any different...I understand that cancer is fatal and this is not...but I have to live with this for the rest of my life however long it may be...I've tried medicine and hated the person it made me...therapy has too much red tape...everyone is afraid of getting sued...so many boundaries that cannot be crossed...how can someone expect to relate or feel like someone really understands through a glass wall...I'm tired of life...I just want to give up...