My Heart is Damaged
I started thinking of Travis. Bad idea. I started to get depressed, thinking of all the difficulties we experienced. I remember the epic fight we started at the Federal Way Red Robin that we carried home and I carried with me to work. I couldn't stop crying for a half-hour to an hour at work. I can't really remember what the fight was about. I remembered that it started when I said, "You make me feel this way when you say this..." or something like it. We were talking about possibly moving to Michigan and it started a fight when I stopped listening to him to talk about my feelings for a few minutes. I tried to talk about it instead of act out my feelings. I didn't realize that it was a really bad time.
I talked to my friend, Chase, who works at the library for two hours. Sometimes he will criticize his wife and I told him that he must be careful with the tone of voice. Sometimes, I can still hear the upset tone of my ex-boyfriend in my head. Our relationship changed me on a fundamental level and I am still learning how it changed me. I think I am stronger for it. I almost started crying tonight thinking about it. Chase and I were talking about the five stages of grief. After Travis and I broke up, I didn't feel remorse or grief for what I had lost. I guess I couldn't see what was really happening. When I would tell others of our fights, they couldn't believe it. I believed it, but believed that I was in the wrong for it and I deserved to be yelled at for something I did. When I didn't think I was wrong, we would argue until I was in tears. It usually ended with me in tears. Is proving your point worth sacrificing a relationship? I don't think so.
I believed that Travis had good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I still believe that he is a good man, though others do not. I believe that he has beliefs about people that hold him back and his own attitude that comes out in a negative form. People do not like him. He is hard to get along with. I lost many friends. They didn't want to hang around an asshole and they didn't want to see me treated poorly. My boyfriend says I have a heart of gold and it is true. I think of the song, "Damaged" by Danity Kane. "My heart is damaged, you can blame the one before. I thought you should know. How you gonna fix it?" It has taken time and I am still learning how my past relationship affects me. I hoped to fix it by myself, but it seems that I might need a man's help.
I talked to my friend, Chase, who works at the library for two hours. Sometimes he will criticize his wife and I told him that he must be careful with the tone of voice. Sometimes, I can still hear the upset tone of my ex-boyfriend in my head. Our relationship changed me on a fundamental level and I am still learning how it changed me. I think I am stronger for it. I almost started crying tonight thinking about it. Chase and I were talking about the five stages of grief. After Travis and I broke up, I didn't feel remorse or grief for what I had lost. I guess I couldn't see what was really happening. When I would tell others of our fights, they couldn't believe it. I believed it, but believed that I was in the wrong for it and I deserved to be yelled at for something I did. When I didn't think I was wrong, we would argue until I was in tears. It usually ended with me in tears. Is proving your point worth sacrificing a relationship? I don't think so.
I believed that Travis had good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I still believe that he is a good man, though others do not. I believe that he has beliefs about people that hold him back and his own attitude that comes out in a negative form. People do not like him. He is hard to get along with. I lost many friends. They didn't want to hang around an asshole and they didn't want to see me treated poorly. My boyfriend says I have a heart of gold and it is true. I think of the song, "Damaged" by Danity Kane. "My heart is damaged, you can blame the one before. I thought you should know. How you gonna fix it?" It has taken time and I am still learning how my past relationship affects me. I hoped to fix it by myself, but it seems that I might need a man's help.