February 26, 2010
It's been along time since I've posted and this is the first public entry I've written in ever longer. But I want this to be public and visible to all.
If you were to read my journal you would see I've struggled alot in the past with doubt, fear, insecurity, and self-worth. Every time I'd say "I won't be whiny and emo anymore", mark it down that by the end of the week, I'd be whiny and emo again. I even annoyed myself. I don't know how anyone put up with it but I'm very glad some people did ^_^ The kindness did not go unappreciated, even if uncommented on sometimes. Those who have read my previous f/o posts know I've been struggling alot lately. I don't expect that to change. Struggle is part of life.
One of the things I have struggle with so often is love. It sounds silly to say you feel unloved but it's a real serious thing. All my insecurities stemmed from that. Even though I knew with my mind that God loved me - even when no one else did - my heart never accepted that. My hard heart and forgetful mind would minimize and excuse every good thing God does or never really accept what it meant. I'll never forget how my senior year of college, on my birthday, no one remembered. Face book sure, but that hardly counts. Few of my friends said anything in person, and none of my closest friends did. And no one got me a present. Stupid I know but...in absence of anything else, I cling to presents as a sign of love. Just a "hey I thought of you" thing. But no one got me one.
Except for one person. 10 am that morning as I'm getting ready to leave my room for class I get a phone call. It was the health teacher in charge of the gym. Apparently I won a contest I had entered when giving blood months before, which I complete forgot I'd entered. I should have waited until later. That was my gut but I didn't. But that's irrelevant. What is relevant is that even as I was walking around that night alone - as I often did - thinking about how those I wished to say it most never so much as took note of the day, I felt that still small voice say "I remembered. Happy Birthday my son."
Yet I forgot it. I didn't hold onto it, but let it go. So fell back to where I was, and for a few years everything went as though God was determined to make me miserable. At least that's how my heart saw it. And why should he not? I often thought. This material world is nothing, I should divorce myself from it. Why would God give me anything pleasant in this world, lest I should cling to it and make it an idol? Asceticism is my tendency. Like the old monks of the Catholic church, I had it in my mind that true godliness was obtained by suffering and denial. By living a life where I have no good thing, I could truly follow God and doing so would please him. Make him happy. Anything. Please, just please be happy with me. Please don't disapprove of me God. I love you but I'm not good at showing it and I fail all the time, but if I give up everything that I enjoy, everything I like everything that isn't directly concerning you...will you love me back? Will you be...proud of me God? Please Be proud of me! Please! I believed, in a way, that by suffering I could make God proud. By making myself miserable, I could make him happy. By beating myself I could keep him from being angry with me. It was self-destructive and I knew it but I wanted him to be proud of me and to not be angry with me, so much that I didn't care, or more often I'd convince myself that it was good in one or another. This of course come from my issues with my earthly father who has never been proud of me unless I did what he thought I should. Or at least, that's how it so often seemed. But I'm not talking about him.
The past few years have been hard, but the past few months...they have been amazing. I got a job. A real job. One that pays well and is in my major. And it more or less just walked right up to me. I was waiting on the military - waiting on God to say yea or nay for about a year and I would've waited longer, except for a friend at church who has been trying to get me an interview for some time and finally got a position open. I applied mostly as a favor to him but prayed "God if this isn't your will, if you want me to keep waiting on the military, please close this door". I was late to the interview, in bad mood that day (my own fault really, I didn't prepare well), and didn't meet the qualifications for the job. I was sure I wouldn't get it.
I did.
I had to pass a background check, and I was afraid I wouldn't.
I did.
I needed and went looking for news clothes and had always wanted to get a trench coat, but one that looked nice and fit me.
I found two. On sale 70% off at a thrift store. Two for a total of $15, both just fine condition, both fit me perfectly - as if they had been made for me. And understand, there was only one black one, and only one good nice tan one in the entire store (well, they had another but for a woman and it didn't fit me as well). Out of the whole store, the only ones that were worth considering buying fit me perfectly.
Finally decided I would look for a car. I wanted a decent car but one for less than $6000 with $1500 down. I didn't expect to find one really.
I found one.
Rather. God found one. and for much less than I wanted to spend. In fact, the dealership labeled it wrong. It should have been $5k, but I only paid $4k. And it is amazing. It has so many things that I like in a car and would want but never even thought to look for, let alone expect to find. The car is perfect for me. Yes there are a couple of things I don't care for, but they are trivial when so many things I do want are provided. I just wanted something to get me from point A to point B for a while. What God provided was so much more.
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21
Perhaps my experience is a minor insignificant example of how God can "do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think", but so what?
Because in all this I believe God is showing me in a way I understand something I've needed to understand for years:
God Loves Me
Those Coats were just something that I wanted. Not something needful or important or anything, just something I would like to have, yet God gave it to me, and they fit perfectly. That God would care enough about me to give me something so trivial. To take note of so minor a desire of mine...that is amazing love indeed. To know that the creator of the universes pays attention to the fact that I want an old school tan trench coat...No words for it.
But let's not forget the car. The car is important. More important than the coats. Technically I didn't need the car. I could have lived on getting rides and piously waiting for God to provide transportation. Yet I set out one day with a friend, and prayed before hand. I even declined to wait on thinking about the car, reasoning that I had prayed for God to guide me and not let me find a car in the price I specified if it wasn't his will. I only got the car because it was the cheapest on the lot (my friend says there were cheaper but I didn't notice them, funny huh?), and it was only the cheapest because they labeled it wrong. And look at how much more than what I ever would have asked it was! Suppose God were the harsh person that I used to think he was, who would be pleased by my depriving myself of material goods. Would he have provided a vehicle that was much? Why not some hideous clunker that runs well and will for years, but with no ac or uncomfortable seating or anything like that? That would be consistent with what I felt God was. But he didn't, he gave me a Nice looking, convertible with roomy interior, leather seats, a/c, seat warmers, AND cheap insurance.
And you know, if I were to lose all that tomorrow, I think I'd be okay with it because...God still loves me. Those things are temporal but his love is eternal.
God wants me to have good things. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to enjoy life.
What father wouldn't? That's what everything comes back to. What good father wouldn't give his children choice? What good father wouldn't love his children and be proud of them even when they messed up sometimes? What good father would be happy with his children beating themselves up or making themselves miserable? I wouldn't. I'm not a dad, but I can tell you that if I were, I wouldn't be pleased by my children making themselves miserable to please me. I'd be full of sorrow. And pity. And love.
I could add alot of caveats to this to make it technically correct and make sure it couldn't possibly be misinterpreted. But I won't. Misinterpret it if you choose. But know that God loves you, and wants what's best for you.
The father metaphor works well for me I think. I had a thought writing this last night: Why would God create a world with so many things to enjoy, yet expect them to be enjoyed by everyone else but his own children? It seems pretty silly. I thought David was a man after God's own heart, yet he wasn't a man who lived in misery. He had a Palace. A Palace. It wasn't his possessions or his things (or lack thereof) that made him a man after God's own heart. It was his heart that loved God and sought His will. Sure many prophets and great men of God suffered hardship, but Paul was not depressed while he was in prison, he was joyful. If suffering is our lot, then let God bring it of his own will. If Paul is joyful in a prison, we should be more so when we are blessed with comfort.
If you were to read my journal you would see I've struggled alot in the past with doubt, fear, insecurity, and self-worth. Every time I'd say "I won't be whiny and emo anymore", mark it down that by the end of the week, I'd be whiny and emo again. I even annoyed myself. I don't know how anyone put up with it but I'm very glad some people did ^_^ The kindness did not go unappreciated, even if uncommented on sometimes. Those who have read my previous f/o posts know I've been struggling alot lately. I don't expect that to change. Struggle is part of life.
One of the things I have struggle with so often is love. It sounds silly to say you feel unloved but it's a real serious thing. All my insecurities stemmed from that. Even though I knew with my mind that God loved me - even when no one else did - my heart never accepted that. My hard heart and forgetful mind would minimize and excuse every good thing God does or never really accept what it meant. I'll never forget how my senior year of college, on my birthday, no one remembered. Face book sure, but that hardly counts. Few of my friends said anything in person, and none of my closest friends did. And no one got me a present. Stupid I know but...in absence of anything else, I cling to presents as a sign of love. Just a "hey I thought of you" thing. But no one got me one.
Except for one person. 10 am that morning as I'm getting ready to leave my room for class I get a phone call. It was the health teacher in charge of the gym. Apparently I won a contest I had entered when giving blood months before, which I complete forgot I'd entered. I should have waited until later. That was my gut but I didn't. But that's irrelevant. What is relevant is that even as I was walking around that night alone - as I often did - thinking about how those I wished to say it most never so much as took note of the day, I felt that still small voice say "I remembered. Happy Birthday my son."
Yet I forgot it. I didn't hold onto it, but let it go. So fell back to where I was, and for a few years everything went as though God was determined to make me miserable. At least that's how my heart saw it. And why should he not? I often thought. This material world is nothing, I should divorce myself from it. Why would God give me anything pleasant in this world, lest I should cling to it and make it an idol? Asceticism is my tendency. Like the old monks of the Catholic church, I had it in my mind that true godliness was obtained by suffering and denial. By living a life where I have no good thing, I could truly follow God and doing so would please him. Make him happy. Anything. Please, just please be happy with me. Please don't disapprove of me God. I love you but I'm not good at showing it and I fail all the time, but if I give up everything that I enjoy, everything I like everything that isn't directly concerning you...will you love me back? Will you be...proud of me God? Please Be proud of me! Please! I believed, in a way, that by suffering I could make God proud. By making myself miserable, I could make him happy. By beating myself I could keep him from being angry with me. It was self-destructive and I knew it but I wanted him to be proud of me and to not be angry with me, so much that I didn't care, or more often I'd convince myself that it was good in one or another. This of course come from my issues with my earthly father who has never been proud of me unless I did what he thought I should. Or at least, that's how it so often seemed. But I'm not talking about him.
The past few years have been hard, but the past few months...they have been amazing. I got a job. A real job. One that pays well and is in my major. And it more or less just walked right up to me. I was waiting on the military - waiting on God to say yea or nay for about a year and I would've waited longer, except for a friend at church who has been trying to get me an interview for some time and finally got a position open. I applied mostly as a favor to him but prayed "God if this isn't your will, if you want me to keep waiting on the military, please close this door". I was late to the interview, in bad mood that day (my own fault really, I didn't prepare well), and didn't meet the qualifications for the job. I was sure I wouldn't get it.
I did.
I had to pass a background check, and I was afraid I wouldn't.
I did.
I needed and went looking for news clothes and had always wanted to get a trench coat, but one that looked nice and fit me.
I found two. On sale 70% off at a thrift store. Two for a total of $15, both just fine condition, both fit me perfectly - as if they had been made for me. And understand, there was only one black one, and only one good nice tan one in the entire store (well, they had another but for a woman and it didn't fit me as well). Out of the whole store, the only ones that were worth considering buying fit me perfectly.
Finally decided I would look for a car. I wanted a decent car but one for less than $6000 with $1500 down. I didn't expect to find one really.
I found one.
Rather. God found one. and for much less than I wanted to spend. In fact, the dealership labeled it wrong. It should have been $5k, but I only paid $4k. And it is amazing. It has so many things that I like in a car and would want but never even thought to look for, let alone expect to find. The car is perfect for me. Yes there are a couple of things I don't care for, but they are trivial when so many things I do want are provided. I just wanted something to get me from point A to point B for a while. What God provided was so much more.
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21
Perhaps my experience is a minor insignificant example of how God can "do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think", but so what?
Because in all this I believe God is showing me in a way I understand something I've needed to understand for years:
God Loves Me
Those Coats were just something that I wanted. Not something needful or important or anything, just something I would like to have, yet God gave it to me, and they fit perfectly. That God would care enough about me to give me something so trivial. To take note of so minor a desire of mine...that is amazing love indeed. To know that the creator of the universes pays attention to the fact that I want an old school tan trench coat...No words for it.
But let's not forget the car. The car is important. More important than the coats. Technically I didn't need the car. I could have lived on getting rides and piously waiting for God to provide transportation. Yet I set out one day with a friend, and prayed before hand. I even declined to wait on thinking about the car, reasoning that I had prayed for God to guide me and not let me find a car in the price I specified if it wasn't his will. I only got the car because it was the cheapest on the lot (my friend says there were cheaper but I didn't notice them, funny huh?), and it was only the cheapest because they labeled it wrong. And look at how much more than what I ever would have asked it was! Suppose God were the harsh person that I used to think he was, who would be pleased by my depriving myself of material goods. Would he have provided a vehicle that was much? Why not some hideous clunker that runs well and will for years, but with no ac or uncomfortable seating or anything like that? That would be consistent with what I felt God was. But he didn't, he gave me a Nice looking, convertible with roomy interior, leather seats, a/c, seat warmers, AND cheap insurance.
And you know, if I were to lose all that tomorrow, I think I'd be okay with it because...God still loves me. Those things are temporal but his love is eternal.
God wants me to have good things. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to enjoy life.
What father wouldn't? That's what everything comes back to. What good father wouldn't give his children choice? What good father wouldn't love his children and be proud of them even when they messed up sometimes? What good father would be happy with his children beating themselves up or making themselves miserable? I wouldn't. I'm not a dad, but I can tell you that if I were, I wouldn't be pleased by my children making themselves miserable to please me. I'd be full of sorrow. And pity. And love.
I could add alot of caveats to this to make it technically correct and make sure it couldn't possibly be misinterpreted. But I won't. Misinterpret it if you choose. But know that God loves you, and wants what's best for you.
The father metaphor works well for me I think. I had a thought writing this last night: Why would God create a world with so many things to enjoy, yet expect them to be enjoyed by everyone else but his own children? It seems pretty silly. I thought David was a man after God's own heart, yet he wasn't a man who lived in misery. He had a Palace. A Palace. It wasn't his possessions or his things (or lack thereof) that made him a man after God's own heart. It was his heart that loved God and sought His will. Sure many prophets and great men of God suffered hardship, but Paul was not depressed while he was in prison, he was joyful. If suffering is our lot, then let God bring it of his own will. If Paul is joyful in a prison, we should be more so when we are blessed with comfort.