(no subject)
when i was 21 i stopped wearing panties and started caring what my butt looked like.
i was tired but i didn't care, i just wanted my butt to be better than my neighbors butt.
i was just going to wake up all the time and do stuff anyway
everyone else lived somewhere so i had to call them to talk to them
and there were very few of them that i actually called
and several that i thought about calling
i would sit on my couch
then i would get up and move the couch and sit on it again
this is the most productive thing i did for hours.
i would have to have mornings to get things done
when i didn't have any morning left i would trick myself by moving the
sofa and drinking coffee at noon
this made me feel like i was sober
so sober that i could get stuff done
my friend was full of energy and wispered to me in class
"i just fucked my panties"
i was jealous, not because i wanted to fuck my panties, i was still wearing them then, and not because i wanted to be her ever so useful and productive panties, i was jealous because i was tired and i couldn't even get the energy to fuck my sexy watercolors on my paper bed.
i went home and when it started raining i went running down the street in my socks, finally i sat in the dirty stream the street had formed of oil and water.
while i was sitting there i decided to think about it.
was i trying to get my boyfriend to come find me there so he would want me, impossible, or was i trying to cheat on him with something dirty, was i fucking the street or the art i was thinking or making.
i guessed that i was trying to have sex with something abstract so i could make art babies with it.
birth control doesnt work when you fuck yourself.
so i got out my supplies and made sure i got paint all over my naked body before i touched the canvas, just so i wouldn't feel distracted by my own tits, and empty stomach.
i had wine all over my mouth so i smeared paint on that too.
now i was drunk so i could hardly get any work done, but share ideas with myself that i didn't want to forget.
most of my ideas were drunk so i threw them up like balloons, choke float, choke , float.
then i sat on the floor and said the word synthetic eight times before thinking about it, then my boyfriend stood up and said he was going to go home and take a shower. how sober
it made me feel so ordinary to see that we were humans, i felt my heart beat and remembered that humanity could be cool.
i wanted to be the kind of girl that didn't need stuff, like a purse, someone who could not take showers or wear makeup for days, but my hair wann't long and pretty enough to do the hippy thing so i ate the cheese someone left in my fridge and thought about nothing, when i was done i was tired, i had been an artist for a whole 25 minutes and i didn't have much to show for it so i video taped myself sleeping.
i was tired but i didn't care, i just wanted my butt to be better than my neighbors butt.
i was just going to wake up all the time and do stuff anyway
everyone else lived somewhere so i had to call them to talk to them
and there were very few of them that i actually called
and several that i thought about calling
i would sit on my couch
then i would get up and move the couch and sit on it again
this is the most productive thing i did for hours.
i would have to have mornings to get things done
when i didn't have any morning left i would trick myself by moving the
sofa and drinking coffee at noon
this made me feel like i was sober
so sober that i could get stuff done
my friend was full of energy and wispered to me in class
"i just fucked my panties"
i was jealous, not because i wanted to fuck my panties, i was still wearing them then, and not because i wanted to be her ever so useful and productive panties, i was jealous because i was tired and i couldn't even get the energy to fuck my sexy watercolors on my paper bed.
i went home and when it started raining i went running down the street in my socks, finally i sat in the dirty stream the street had formed of oil and water.
while i was sitting there i decided to think about it.
was i trying to get my boyfriend to come find me there so he would want me, impossible, or was i trying to cheat on him with something dirty, was i fucking the street or the art i was thinking or making.
i guessed that i was trying to have sex with something abstract so i could make art babies with it.
birth control doesnt work when you fuck yourself.
so i got out my supplies and made sure i got paint all over my naked body before i touched the canvas, just so i wouldn't feel distracted by my own tits, and empty stomach.
i had wine all over my mouth so i smeared paint on that too.
now i was drunk so i could hardly get any work done, but share ideas with myself that i didn't want to forget.
most of my ideas were drunk so i threw them up like balloons, choke float, choke , float.
then i sat on the floor and said the word synthetic eight times before thinking about it, then my boyfriend stood up and said he was going to go home and take a shower. how sober
it made me feel so ordinary to see that we were humans, i felt my heart beat and remembered that humanity could be cool.
i wanted to be the kind of girl that didn't need stuff, like a purse, someone who could not take showers or wear makeup for days, but my hair wann't long and pretty enough to do the hippy thing so i ate the cheese someone left in my fridge and thought about nothing, when i was done i was tired, i had been an artist for a whole 25 minutes and i didn't have much to show for it so i video taped myself sleeping.