for reals
last night when i came home i called everyone on my phone and nobody answered then my drunk ass somehow moved my bed across my floor out of anger. then i put this big wood panel thing behind my bed the other way around and on the back it says "you are free" then someone skribbledd under free "fuckd" and there is a giant cock on it too. then i left mean messages i shouldn't have and almost lost one of the only things that matters right now. the problem is that i know i was wrong but i am still mad, at everyone. because nobody is there when it really matters to be. i know it is stupid but it is just too hard for me to be drunk alone right now i guess. thats why i was mad at my friends for wanting to leave the bar so early last night. i was hanging out with my exbf mike and he was on the phone with his other ex and when he was saying who he was hanging out with on accident he said her name, then i was thinking well if he said she was here on accident he is obviously thinking about her, and why does she get to call him all the time? and why does any of it matter? it all just felt weird. him and his friend kept talking about stuff i didn't know about and girls and shit but when i mentioned any boys names mike would be like "who is that" all mad sounding and they were really just friends. i got no boyfriends here man, maybe that's why it sucks. life without dates sucks. no question about it being alone sucks. also last night i put all my art supplies in the shower and my mirror in there too then i turned on the water and wrote something, i haven't gone back to read it yet. why does everything suck so much right now? this is my favorite holiday and i have nobody to share it with, well tonight i am going to rjd2 with max and that will be great. i feel like i can get nothing done because i am so angery about not having anyone to bitch with about everything. i want to go get my face peirced or something to connect me to air, like drug. i feel like if i was alice i have taken the pill that makes me larger and i don't like it. when you are alone too long you become part of nothing and that is the scariest thing to feel a bond with.