Blah.
I don't know who still reads this thing. The phones will be turned back on in a little while... tomarrow the Motorhome gets internet and phone and cable, so I'll be able to communicate with the world around then. I'm feeling kind of down, and just need a way to feel like someone cares.
I'd thought getting a girlfreind would help me adjust to life in cali, but thus far it hasn't. It's taken my mind off of my symptoms but the real source of my problems, unidentified and still haunting me, hasn't been cured.
If I knew what was going on I'd be able to attack the problem and eliminate it. My thoughts are so violent, so angry... but I don't know why I feel this way. It's all come crashing down, down the to point wher eI just write the first thing my mind spills out of it's mangled self. Well... I guess this is how wthings have always been. Always a mystery, like I still don't know who in hell I am. I know what I life and don't like, but it's like I've been living a lie for the past 18 years and am just now comming to terms with the fact that this isn't real.
Nothing is real.
This all has to be a dream, right? I mean, an hour ago, I was feeling perfectly okay. I was watching anime, enjoying myself, glad to be me. But now... I don't know who me is. I've been content just letting myself tumble through life, venting my frustration in my roleplay and my writing, but lately nothing has been satisfying. My art taunts me, never as good as I want it to be. I can't even make progress in my videogames.
That's something that's never happened before. I've always been able to produce something of value to myself artistically, whether it be written down, drawn, or vocally produced. Something or other has always been a way to focus myself into an expression of emotion... but not now. I don't know why, but nothing comes out the way I want it to. My art, my videogames, my relationships, my life has all been scrambled into a dark mixture of falsehood and misery. I'm gonna go see if writing a poem will help, it usually does... but I expect that that will be unsatisfactory as well. gotta go. Peace.
I'd thought getting a girlfreind would help me adjust to life in cali, but thus far it hasn't. It's taken my mind off of my symptoms but the real source of my problems, unidentified and still haunting me, hasn't been cured.
If I knew what was going on I'd be able to attack the problem and eliminate it. My thoughts are so violent, so angry... but I don't know why I feel this way. It's all come crashing down, down the to point wher eI just write the first thing my mind spills out of it's mangled self. Well... I guess this is how wthings have always been. Always a mystery, like I still don't know who in hell I am. I know what I life and don't like, but it's like I've been living a lie for the past 18 years and am just now comming to terms with the fact that this isn't real.
Nothing is real.
This all has to be a dream, right? I mean, an hour ago, I was feeling perfectly okay. I was watching anime, enjoying myself, glad to be me. But now... I don't know who me is. I've been content just letting myself tumble through life, venting my frustration in my roleplay and my writing, but lately nothing has been satisfying. My art taunts me, never as good as I want it to be. I can't even make progress in my videogames.
That's something that's never happened before. I've always been able to produce something of value to myself artistically, whether it be written down, drawn, or vocally produced. Something or other has always been a way to focus myself into an expression of emotion... but not now. I don't know why, but nothing comes out the way I want it to. My art, my videogames, my relationships, my life has all been scrambled into a dark mixture of falsehood and misery. I'm gonna go see if writing a poem will help, it usually does... but I expect that that will be unsatisfactory as well. gotta go. Peace.