Can Con Smut: Coming Soon!
Thanks to televisual gadabout Denis McGrath (whose work behind the camera is much more enjoyable than his tenure in front) we are now aware that Canada is getting its own home-grown porn channel:
1058204 Alberta Ltd. filed an application for a broadcasting licence to provide Northern Peaks, a national, English-language Category 2 pay television service that would consist of adult programming. The applicant stated that the proposed service would be Canada’s first adult video channel offering significant Canadian adult content. The applicant indicated that it would also air the adult versions of Real Productions’ cable television series and produce its own adult movies, events and series.
Yay! A channel dedicated to the erotic arts. I wonder if it'll be lumped with the porn channels in the 200s, or in the digital video channels? Ah, well, irrelevant. We're getting a national porn channel!
According to the CRTC's application,
3. The programming shall be drawn exclusively from the following categories set out in item 6 of Schedule I to the Pay Television Regulations, 1990, as amended from time to time:
2 (b) Long-form documentary
7 Drama and comedy
(a) Ongoing dramatic series
(b) Ongoing comedy series (sitcoms)
(c) Specials, mini-series or made-for-TV feature films
(d) Theatrical feature films aired on TV
10 Game shows
11 General entertainment and human interest
Of course, the most interesting item is #7b. What leaps first to my mind is an updated porn channel version of Three's Company. I mean, the show was described as 'Jiggle TV', primarily due to '70s sex symbol Suzanne Somers. Pushing it just another step would be disturbingly easy. Jack had a never-ending parade of nubile young things, each of which had to be speedily concealed to maintain his gay charade.
I don't recall Janet or Chrissy even going on a date. On the other hand, I don't recall too much about the show, other than that John Ritter guy being darn funny.
You could play the Ropers as gag characters; give them a BDSM relationship and have them constantly answering the door dressed up in leather and straps. See, old people having sex is funny. Old people having non-vanilla sex? Comedy gold. Or, crank it back to the classics and have their sex life completely dysfunctional, and let Pfizer and ICOS bid on whether that week has a Viagra joke or a Cialis joke.
And, as the capper: Ron Jeremy as Larry Dallas, so we can sell it to the Yanks. Nauseous yet?
Anyway, we definitely don't need a pornographic remake of The Beachcombers, although I can conceive of a King of Kensington with Larry King recast as a pierced hipster.
The problem being with this that people who will have sex on screen are not always the best when it comes to comedic timing. And I've thought way too much about this right now, anyway.
Is a Long-form documentary just a reality TV show, or is that for a two hour type documentary? Because I strongly suspect we'll get an unedited Webdreams.
4. During each broadcast year, the licensee shall devote not less than 50% of the broadcast day and not less than 50% of the evening broadcast period to Canadian programming.
a) In each broadcast year of the licence term following the first year of operation, the licensee shall expend on the acquisition of and/or investment in Canadian programs a minimum of 25% of the subscription revenues derived from the operation of this service during the previous broadcast year. In the first broadcast year of the licence term, the licensee shall expend on the acquisition of and/or investment in Canadian programs an amount equal to or greater than $1,000,000.
So, they're required to produce one million dollars (say that like Dr. Evil, I dare you) of original programming.
Some of the proposed shows include:
one shot entirely on location at a small adult video store in Kamloops, B.C., and one in which "Canada's sexiest thirtysomethings show off their skills in a series that proves Canada is cougar country."
They're also going to do even more CanCon that is required:
Mr. Donnelly said he was required to offer to as little as 15% Canadian content to appease regulators.
But because he wants "to legitimately be Canada's adult channel," he started at half Canadian.
He said there is a huge unfulfilled market in Canada for local porn. Beginning last year he began getting calls from cable companies looking to license his Canadian productions.
"I've always found there's a real turn-on to watching and knowing it's people you could run into in the grocery store," he said.
He's never been to my grocery store.
There will also be "tongue in cheek" (and there's no where to take that sentence that won't end in tears) that takes the piss out of the adult film industry (which I'd prefer, because I just don't go for that stuff).
In addition to hardcore pornography, he says he is big on "making fun of the porn industry," and that Northern Peaks will feature tongue-in-cheek reality programming that shows the "ridiculous" side of the business.
xposted to canadiantv
1058204 Alberta Ltd. filed an application for a broadcasting licence to provide Northern Peaks, a national, English-language Category 2 pay television service that would consist of adult programming. The applicant stated that the proposed service would be Canada’s first adult video channel offering significant Canadian adult content. The applicant indicated that it would also air the adult versions of Real Productions’ cable television series and produce its own adult movies, events and series.
Yay! A channel dedicated to the erotic arts. I wonder if it'll be lumped with the porn channels in the 200s, or in the digital video channels? Ah, well, irrelevant. We're getting a national porn channel!
According to the CRTC's application,
3. The programming shall be drawn exclusively from the following categories set out in item 6 of Schedule I to the Pay Television Regulations, 1990, as amended from time to time:
2 (b) Long-form documentary
7 Drama and comedy
(a) Ongoing dramatic series
(b) Ongoing comedy series (sitcoms)
(c) Specials, mini-series or made-for-TV feature films
(d) Theatrical feature films aired on TV
10 Game shows
11 General entertainment and human interest
Of course, the most interesting item is #7b. What leaps first to my mind is an updated porn channel version of Three's Company. I mean, the show was described as 'Jiggle TV', primarily due to '70s sex symbol Suzanne Somers. Pushing it just another step would be disturbingly easy. Jack had a never-ending parade of nubile young things, each of which had to be speedily concealed to maintain his gay charade.
I don't recall Janet or Chrissy even going on a date. On the other hand, I don't recall too much about the show, other than that John Ritter guy being darn funny.
You could play the Ropers as gag characters; give them a BDSM relationship and have them constantly answering the door dressed up in leather and straps. See, old people having sex is funny. Old people having non-vanilla sex? Comedy gold. Or, crank it back to the classics and have their sex life completely dysfunctional, and let Pfizer and ICOS bid on whether that week has a Viagra joke or a Cialis joke.
And, as the capper: Ron Jeremy as Larry Dallas, so we can sell it to the Yanks. Nauseous yet?
Anyway, we definitely don't need a pornographic remake of The Beachcombers, although I can conceive of a King of Kensington with Larry King recast as a pierced hipster.
The problem being with this that people who will have sex on screen are not always the best when it comes to comedic timing. And I've thought way too much about this right now, anyway.
Is a Long-form documentary just a reality TV show, or is that for a two hour type documentary? Because I strongly suspect we'll get an unedited Webdreams.
4. During each broadcast year, the licensee shall devote not less than 50% of the broadcast day and not less than 50% of the evening broadcast period to Canadian programming.
a) In each broadcast year of the licence term following the first year of operation, the licensee shall expend on the acquisition of and/or investment in Canadian programs a minimum of 25% of the subscription revenues derived from the operation of this service during the previous broadcast year. In the first broadcast year of the licence term, the licensee shall expend on the acquisition of and/or investment in Canadian programs an amount equal to or greater than $1,000,000.
So, they're required to produce one million dollars (say that like Dr. Evil, I dare you) of original programming.
Some of the proposed shows include:
one shot entirely on location at a small adult video store in Kamloops, B.C., and one in which "Canada's sexiest thirtysomethings show off their skills in a series that proves Canada is cougar country."
They're also going to do even more CanCon that is required:
Mr. Donnelly said he was required to offer to as little as 15% Canadian content to appease regulators.
But because he wants "to legitimately be Canada's adult channel," he started at half Canadian.
He said there is a huge unfulfilled market in Canada for local porn. Beginning last year he began getting calls from cable companies looking to license his Canadian productions.
"I've always found there's a real turn-on to watching and knowing it's people you could run into in the grocery store," he said.
He's never been to my grocery store.
There will also be "tongue in cheek" (and there's no where to take that sentence that won't end in tears) that takes the piss out of the adult film industry (which I'd prefer, because I just don't go for that stuff).
In addition to hardcore pornography, he says he is big on "making fun of the porn industry," and that Northern Peaks will feature tongue-in-cheek reality programming that shows the "ridiculous" side of the business.
xposted to canadiantv