Adventures of Cradle-Robbing Perverts Ch. 3
Well, this is the last chapter I have so far. Hopefully the author will update soon. Untill then I have other fics waiting to be destroyed.
Anyway, the fic features: general stupidity, Mary-Sueness, a trite plot, a lack of originality, Sirius behaving like a five-year old, the first signs of Snape's attraction to the Sue (Poor Snape), and more unfinished sentences.
The MST features: irate Snape, a calming potion, and McGonagall trying to get through the fic with both hers and Snapes sanity in tact.
Enjoy!
6:00pm, McGonagall’s Office
McGonagall: He’s going to find out and make us finish it.
Snape: *raises an eyebrow* If you want to go read that blasted atrocity, don’t let me stop you.
McGonagall: He’s going to make us read another one if we try to get out of this one.
Snape: Tut, tut, Minerva. Where’s that Gryffindor courage?
McGonagall: Sod off, Severus. You know as well as I do that resistance is futile. It’s the last chapter, for Merlin’s sake.
Snape: For now, until the dunderhead updates it.
McGonagall: We may as well get it over with.
Snape: Brilliant. Why don’t you get it over with for the both of us?
McGonagall: Nice try, Severus. If you don’t do this with me I will “accidentally” tell Dumbledore where you hid Gilderoy.
Snape: In order to do that, you would have to be privy to that information, which you are not.
McGonagall: You stuffed him in the vanishing cabinet in the Room of Requirement.
Snape: Wrong.
McGonagall: Don’t even try it. I saw him.
Snape: Very well, he is in the Vanishing Cabinet. However, should you notify Dumbledore, he might wonder what his Deputy Headmistress was doing in the Room of Requirement. It is certainly not a frequent haunt of most teachers.
McGonagall: Filch had seen some students go in there. I was looking for them.
Snape: Of course, Minerva.
McGonagall: Severus Snape, if you do not come with me this instant __
Snape: You seem to have forgotten that you are no longer my professor and thus have no authority__
McGonagall: You seem to have forgotten that I know who really made all of Albus’ socks explode at last years Christmas feast. Are you aware of what happened to the last person who messed with Albus’ sock collection?
Snape: I’m sure it was truly terrifying. Let me guess, Dumbledore offered them two lemon-drops instead of one and gazed at them with those horrifying, twinkling blue eyes.
McGonagall: Well, to be fair to your point of view, Albus is not usually terrifying. However, no one actually knows what happened to the last person to mess with his sock collection. They disappeared.
Snape: *eyes her skeptically* *sneering* I’m sure.
McGonagall: Damn it, Severus, let’s just go, we’re already late.
Snape: You’re already late. As I have already informed you, I refuse to read that insult to my name.
McGonagall: Why must you be so difficult?
Snape: Why do you insist on reading that unintelligible dreck? It’s not like Dumbledore is going to apprehend you. For one, he doesn’t apprehend anyone. Besides, you’re his deputy headmistress. What say we go for a walk or play a game of chess?
McGonagall: We haven’t played a good game of chess in a while…
Snape: You mean I haven’t destroyed you at chess in a while.
McGonagall: Spare me your ego trip and get the bloody board.
Snape: *smirks* As you wish, Minerva. *Bows sardonically and goes to retrieve the chess board. Once he grasps the chessboard he disappears along with it. One of the pawns falls to the floor*
McGonagall: Severus? ……………Severus? …………………. Oh bloody hell. *walks over to were Snape was standing. Picks up the pawn. Is instantly transported to Dumbledore’s office*
6:22pm, Dumbledore’s Office
Snape is sitting in a chair in front of Dumbledore’s desk glaring at the chess set, which is lying in front of him. Dumbledore is smiling placidly at Severus and eating a lemon drop.
Dumbledore: Hello, Minerva.
McGonagall: You turned my chess board into a portkey.
Dumbledore: I knew you two would attempt to avoid this punishment sooner or later. I also know that you two often enjoy a nice game of Wizard’s Chess. Thus the choice was logical. Lemon drop, Severus?
Snape: *tightly* No, thank you.
Dumbledore: I daresay, if you don’t stop that scowling your face will freeze that way, Severus.
Snape: *patented Snape sneer directed at Dumbledore*
Dumbledore: Lighten up, both of you. This is, after all, the last chapter.
Snape: For now.
Dumbledore: Exactly, you’ll have a reprieve.
McGonagall: You intend to make us read this atrocity to its’ finish?
Dumbledore: Indeed.
McGonagall: But, Albus, we haven’t done anything since we transfigured Trelawney’s crystal balls.
Dumbledore: Do you honestly think you can lie to me, my dear? Read, the sooner you get this over with, the sooner both of you can return to your game of chess. *exeunt*
Magic scrolls: *appear*
Snape: *attempts a battery of hexes*
Fic: *magically repairs itself*
McGonagall: *begins to read*
Ella was restless one summer evening.
McGonagall: But I’m sure either fic!Snape or fic!Sirius are going to fix this.
Snape: *hisses menacingly*
Her NEWTs were over and she took a walk in the corridor and noticed sneaking,
McGonagall: That doesn’t even dignify a response.
three third years. She followed them, one was important to Sirius.
Snape: The other two, however, were worthless. Actually, all were worthless, if you ask me, but I suppose it is a matter of perspective.
McGonagall: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger are not worthless.
Snape: As I previously state, it is a matter of perspective.
She waited outside Hagrid’s hut.
McGonagall: I’m fairly certain it isn’t normal behavior to follow people because one of them is important to someone you barely know.
They returned, Ron Weasley held a rat in his hand, which bit him.
Snape: The fic has finally broken me. I’m suffering from déjà vu.
McGonagall: No, that’s just the author’s rehashing of PoA because they lack originality.
A black dog leaped out of nowhere
Snape: - and murdered her.
, as did she to get to it.
McGonagall: I bet the Sue catches it.
They both ended up inside the whomping willow but Ella carried on running, until she came across a teacher, Professor Lupin.
Snape: No, it seems Pettigrew has disappeared and the author is rehashing more of the plot from PoA.
“Sir?”
Sirius turned back into normal.
“Ella run!” He ordered.
“Why?” She asked.
Snape: *as fic!Sirius*: Because I cannot stand your presence any longer. Now go! Please make sure to get a good whack from the Whomping Willow on your way out, preferably in the head.
Lupin transformed.
McGonagall/Snape: Bite the Sue!
Peter stood behind him with a slight smile.
Snape: Who doesn’t smile when confronted by a bloodthirsty werewolf?
McGonagall: Nothing cheers me more.
Ella gasped and ran, she grabbed Hermione on the way and her friends followed her. Then a yelp was heard and Harry turned back, Ella close behind him. Lupin ran into the woods, Sirius was on the ground]
Snape: -where he belongs.
, wand in hand.
Peter approached him and picked it up.
McGonagall: When did Pettigrew grow a backbone?
Snape: When the author took whatever mind-altering substance produced this horror.
“Expelliamus!”
Snape: The proper spell is Avada Kedavra.
Although disarmed, Peter transformed and escaped into the night.
McGonagall: I fail to see how Pettigrew was disarmed, since there is no specification as to who took such action.
Harry and Ella ran to Sirius’ side, when he noticed her.
“You, you’re the girl who...” he began.
“Not now Potter, we have to get him back...” she began.
Snape: I prefer Never Potter’s as opposed to “Not now Potters.” Unfortunately we seem to have a plague of “Often Potters” or “Always Potters”.
Teachers Snape, McGonagall
McGonagall/Snape: No!
and Dumbledore appeared. Dumbledore took Sirius
Snape: To the Forbidden Forest, whichever part Lupin scampered off to.
, McGonagall took Harry
Snape: -far away from Hogwarts.
and Snape beckoned Ella to him.
Snape: -and with a quick Sectumsempera extinguished her miserable existence.
“What happened?” He asked.
McGonagall: What could’ve possibly possessed this author to think that you actually concerned yourself with the affairs of students?
Snape: I’m convinced that fic!me is under the Imperius.
“The kids, they went out,
Snape: -and got beaten to death by the Whomping Willow.
they found Pettigrew, and he led us to Lupin, at full moon
Snape: -who bit us, thus ruining the rest of our lives.
. I had no idea. He tried to get Sirius. I disarmed him and he transformed, I’d never have caught him,” explained Ella.
McGonagall: That was an explanation? Her speech pattern is that of a muggle, children’s book.
Snape: See the Sue run. Run, Sue, Run.
“You don’t make things easy for yourself Ella! Why do you keep helping him?” Asked Snape.
McGonagall: Whoever put fic!you under the Imperius is rather perverted.
“Sir, it is not intentional,” replied Ella.
McGonagall: How is that? You’re the one who went wandering out of the school after curfew. You’re the one who attempted to grab Pettigrew. Those were both intentional actions.
Snape narrowed his eyes at her, but she looked at him so innocently he couldn’t say aloud what he had been thinking, she wasn’t that kind of girl, he thought.
Snape: A slut? I assure you fic!me, she’s been around the Quidditch pitch more than all of the schools chasers and former chasers combine.
McGonagall: I can’t say for sure, since such incidences don’t happen at Hogwarts, but I’m sure Dumbledore would not approve of a sexual relationship between a student and a teacher. I’m also certain that you would have to be under the Imperius to even consier a relationship with a student.
“Perhaps not, but you need to try harder if you want Lucius’ favour
McGonagall: What is favour?
Snape: The author’s pathetic attempt to look educated.
back,” he said calmly.
McGonagall: She’s a Sue-slut, all she needs to do is perform sexual favors for him and he’ll be at her disposal.
“You spoke to him? To be honest sir, I mean no disrespect to you but there is an uncomfortable place, where he can put his favour,” she said.
“Ella, that’s all very brave, perhaps foolish of you. Where will you go?” Asked Snape.
“I have my parents fortune do I not? I hardly touched it. I’ll get a job and pay my way like everyone else,” she replied.
Snape: If Lucius cut her off, she doesn’t have their fortune. She wouldn’t have it anyway on account of their son, Draco.
McGonagall: Those two sentences contradict each other.
“Ella you shouldn’t have to, if it weren’t for...” began Snape.
Snape: Learn how to finish a bloody sentence!
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hated sponging off the Malfoys,” said Ella.
McGonagall: Funny how she was fine with it until they cut her off.
Snape: It’s the Sue’s attempt to look stoic.
“He is your godfather, it’s his responsibility
Snape: -and honor to disown you.
,” he said.
“Not anymore. I’m done with him and his la di da
McGonagall: Knowing this Sue, I’m certain I don’t want to know what that means.
Snape: How poignant and intellectual, this girl is.
expectations. I want to be my own person; I don’t want to be daughter of mudblood killers or Malfoy’s ward. I just want to be me,” she said.
“You can’t escape who you are Ella. Don’t you think we all feel that way? I’d give anything to be known as more than potions professor and head of Slytherin.
McGonagall: …you would?
Snape: Yes, I would like to be known as Ella’s murderer.
You just have to live with it,” he said.
“Then quit. Hand in your resignation to Dumbledore, be who you want to be,” said Ella.
Snape seemed to give her words thought;
Snape: In reality fic!me was plotting how to murder her and make it look like an accident.
until he made eyes
McGonagall: I didn’t know that was a hobby of yours.
Snape: But, of course, Minerva. I made a spectacular pair out of phoenix feathers and unicorn hairs just last week. This week I plan to make some out of Dragon hide.
that made it clear that someone was behind her.
McGonagall: Your quite talented if you can make phoenix-feather and unicorn-hair eyes that warn people.
Snape: With my new abilities to create “Warning-Eyes”, I’m sure to get the DADA job next term.
“Sirius would like to see you,” said Dumbledore.
McGonagall: Dumbledore is going to allow them to shag in his office?
Snape: How in-character…
Ella went into the hospital wing;
McGonagall: My mistake, Poppy and Albus are going to allow them to shag in the hospital wing.
Snape: You know Sues, Minerva, they’re turned on by…well…everything.
McGonagall: They don’t have an off switch.
Harry smiled at her and left.
McGonagall: I wonder how in-character Harry would feel about a 17 year-old step-godmother.
She found herself stood awkwardly infront of the bed.
Snape: Because she often lost herself on account of having the intellectual capacity less than that of the stupidest troll in all of the Wizarding World.
“You wanted to...” she began.
Snape: *makes a disparaging sound*
McGonagall: Take a deep breath, Severus.
“Come sit down,” he said.
“Madame Pomphery...” she began.
Snape: Dear Merlin, don’t start a sentence if you can’t finish it!
McGonagall: And learn how to spell Poppy’s name.
“Has no power over me, I’m fine, again thanks to you,” he said.
Snape: Why, exactly, is Sirius in the hospital wing?
McGonagall: It’s convenient to the trite plot.
“He escaped,
Snape: -this horribly sickening and pathetic story.
McGonagall: Lucky him.
she said.
“From what I heard he was thinking about killing me,” he said.
Snape: I’m thinking of killing all of you.
McGonagall: Including fic!you?
Snape: Especially fic!me.
“We don’t know that,” she said.
McGonagall: *as Ella* And I’m too stupid to use basic reasoning skills and common sense to deduce that.
Sirius looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
McGonagall: I was not aware that Sirius had a unibrow.
“He was hardly going to put a tickling charm on me,” he said.
Ella said nothing.
“You never replied to my letters,” he said.
Snape: This is reminding me of a muggle play I read one summer when I was particularly bored.
McGonagall: What play is that?
Snape: How I Learned to Drive. It’s about an Uncle that molests his niece. When she goes off to University, he continually writes her letters counting down the days until she comes of age. She ignores them. They meet at a hotel, he proposes marriage, she refuses, he drinks himself to death.
McGonagall: Sounds pleasant…
“I was trying to sort out my home life,” she said.
Sirius folded his arms.
“He didn’t like what you did,” he stated.
“You’re a...” she began.
“A blood traitor and proud. I like the fact that my face has been blown off the family tree,
McGonagall: The Blacks are pretty violent if they cause the pictures of their undesirable relatives to explode as opposed to just burning them like normal, supercilious, pure-blood families.
that mother lost her only son when he died,” he said.
Snape: It might help the reader understand what the hell is going on if you specify “he’s” name.
“What are you saying?” She asked.
McGonagall: Despite the lack of specification of Regulus’ name, it is quite clear what he is saying.
“That you aren’t part of the tree you came from, you’re a wand or the tail end of a broom now, something much better,” he said.
Snape: That metaphor is so stupid I may vomit. I’m going to go pay a visit to Dumbledore’s sock collection.
McGonagall: No you are not!
“Sirius...” began Ella.
Snape: *snarls a slew of curse words*
“I want to know you for you, not the Howards, not the Malfoys, you,” he added.
“What’s the difference?” She asked.
McGonagall: Wasn’t she just whining about how she wanted to be a separate entity from her parents and the Malfoys?
“The Malfoys wouldn’t have had my name cleared and your parents wouldn’t have dragged a muggle-born girl from danger.
Snape: Quite they hypocrites, her parents.
Individuality is priceless, trust me,” he replied.
Ella knew he was right, they shared the same ideas, ideas that she had tried to enforce on to Snape,
Snape: I assure you, should anyone, let alone a student attempt to pompously lecture me about morality, I would hex them before they could even think about screaming in terror. Excuse me, but I have some important matters to attend to. *disappears into Dumbledore’s living quarters*
McGonagall: Severus Tobias Snape, you get back here this instant!
Five minutes: *elapses*
Snape: *returns*
McGonagall: What in Merlin’s name were you doing in Dumbledore’s living quarters?
Snape: *smiles nastily* Continue reading, Minerva.
but she doubted if he would take her advice.
Snape: Not even under the influence of the Imperius Curse.
She found Sirius quite similar to herself, he looked better than last time she saw him. He still had a bit of beard, but it was well trimmed, he was clean and his clothes fit and were not torn.
McGonagall: He’s on the run. When did he have time for laundry and a shave?
“I think I do,” she said.
Snape: Because it is often wise to trust people you barely know.
Sirius smiled at her as Madame Pomphery
McGonagall: Madame Pomfrey. Pomfrey, P-O-M-F-R-E-Y.
arrived next to Ella.
“Mr. Black, you may go, please escourt Miss Howard back to Slytherin,” she said.
McGonagall *as Madame Pomphery* Or you could escort her back to the Slytherin common room.
Snape: Unless, of course, escourting is a form of murder in which case, continue on.
Sirius got up. He and Ella walked down the corridor side by side. Sirius’ hand brushed against hers
McGonagall: When did this become a time-warp fic? I assume it did because Sirius is acting like he’s five.
Snape: Which differs from his usual behavior, how?
and she smiled, thinking he should grow up
McGonagall: For the first and only time I agree with the Sue.
and did not respond. She could have sworn she heard a slight growl of disappointment under his breath. At the top of the dungeons, Ella turned to him with a smile.
“I think I know my way from here,” she said.
“Do you?” Asked Sirius.
He lent
Snape: -Ella a hand in her quest to Avada Kedavra herself.
forward,
McGonagall: That was supposed to be leaned. Dear, Merlin, Muggle English classes have really taken a turn for the worst.
but Ella took a step back
Snape: -into the common room where she immediately assumed her favorite position on her back.
“Are you sure?” He asked.
Snape: That she’s a trollop? Yes, we are quite certain.
“No, but I have letters to write if I am to get a job,” she replied.
McGonagall: I thought she had somehow secured the Malfoy fortune even though Narcissa and Lucius are still alive, as is Draco, their son.
“Lucius...” began Sirius.
McGonagall: Finish what you started, author-person.
Snape: No wonder Sirius could never hold onto a girlfriend.
McGonagall: Says the man who never really had a girlfriend.
Ella shook her head. She didn’t have to say the rest. Lucius wanted nothing to do with her and it was because of her own stubbornness and his need for the truth to come out.
McGonagall: I thought Lucius wanted to keep the truth hidden and not disgrace his family name?
Snape: Perhaps he would like to expose her as a slut, stitch scarlet letters on her clothing?
“I’m sorry,” he said.
McGonagall: I love how everyone pities the spoiled brat so she can look so stoic and strong.
“No you did me a favour. I’d have never accepted a position at the ministry just because he made it so. I’d rather...” she began.
Snape: Since you are too incompetent to finish your own sentence, I will finish it for you. *as fic!Ella* I’d rather get the position by putting myself in many compromising positions with several ministry officials.
“Make your own way,” he added.
Ella smiled at his understanding. He smiled at her and put his hand on her arm.
“Thank you, for everything. Never be too proud to ask me for anything, you’ve earned it,” he said.
“Miss Howard!”
Snape ruined the pleasant moment.
Snape: Go fic!me.
Ella turned quickly to her head of house, he looked at her and then to Sirius with a cold look about him.
McGonagall: You always have a cold look about you.
Snape: That’s the entire point of the dark scowl. The entire point of the “cold look” is to prevent morons such as the Sue from attempting to engage in menial conversation and thus, prevents me from murdering them.
“If you don’t mind Black, you’re a little old to be wondering the castle at night,
McGonagall: But in the sober light of day he isn’t?
Snape: This fic was incoherent enough without the random time-warps. Perhaps we should involve the ministry. This is clearly in violation of the laws of Time Travel.
Miss Howard you should be in your dorm, now,” he added.
Sirius wanted to say goodbye, but Snape’s last word was not ignored or to be so according to his tone.
Snape: A wise decision.
Ella scarpered
McGonagall: Again, I don’t know what that is, but considering she’s a harlot, I should probably be glad of that.
deep into the dungeon and Sirius managed to take the high ground by leaving Snape to glare at his exit.
Snape: Sirius Black NEVER takes the high ground. Had this author bothered to exert her one brain-cell to keep him in character he would’ve rallied his posse and fought me at least four on one.
McGonagall: Let it go, Severus.
Snape: Let it go?!?!?! Let it go?!?!?! Just like I had to let it go every time he and his impudent friends decided to torment me? Just like I had to let it go after he nearly KILLED me?!?!?! I AM DONE LETTING IT GO, damn it!!!
McGonagall: Okay, Severus, I think it’s time for a calming potion. *grabs his forearm and attempts to lead him out of the room*
Snape: *jerks his arm out of her grasp* Let go of me, infernal woman!
McGonagall: Oh, come off it! Go to the blasted hospital wing before I put you in a full body bind and levitate you there.
Snape: Come of it?!? No, I don’t think I will Come off it.
McGonagall: *sighs heavily*
Dumbledore: *enters*
Snape: *is infuriated*
McGonagall: I told you there was only so much of this he could take.
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, Minerva, I have brought a calming potion, just in case. *withdraws a vial from his robes and hands it to Snape*
Snape: *downs it*
Five minutes: *elapses*
Snape: *is now calm*
McGonagall: Feeling better, Severus?
Snape: My apologies, Minerva.
McGonagall: It’s understandable, what with how your character has been destroyed. What’s say we actually play a game of chess now that we’re done reading that dreck?
Snape: You know I’d never miss a chance to humiliate you, Minerva.
McGonagall and Snape: *exeunt*
Dumbledore: They never ask me to play Wizard’s Chess with them…Oh well, at least I have my socks. *enters living quarters*
Socks: *are lying in their drawer*
Dumbledore: *attempts to grab a pair*
Dumbledore’s hand: *goes right through the socks*
Dumbledore: *attempts to grab several more pairs*
Dumbledore’s hand: *goes through each of them*
Meanwhile in McGonagall’s office…
McGonagall and Snape: *are playing chess*
McGonagall: So, Severus, what did you do to Dumbledore’s sock collection?
Snape: I may have hidden them and cast several illusion charms to make it look like they are still in their proper place.
McGonagall: That’s rather cruel, Severus.
Snape: *smirks* That was the entire objective.
Anyway, the fic features: general stupidity, Mary-Sueness, a trite plot, a lack of originality, Sirius behaving like a five-year old, the first signs of Snape's attraction to the Sue (Poor Snape), and more unfinished sentences.
The MST features: irate Snape, a calming potion, and McGonagall trying to get through the fic with both hers and Snapes sanity in tact.
Enjoy!
6:00pm, McGonagall’s Office
McGonagall: He’s going to find out and make us finish it.
Snape: *raises an eyebrow* If you want to go read that blasted atrocity, don’t let me stop you.
McGonagall: He’s going to make us read another one if we try to get out of this one.
Snape: Tut, tut, Minerva. Where’s that Gryffindor courage?
McGonagall: Sod off, Severus. You know as well as I do that resistance is futile. It’s the last chapter, for Merlin’s sake.
Snape: For now, until the dunderhead updates it.
McGonagall: We may as well get it over with.
Snape: Brilliant. Why don’t you get it over with for the both of us?
McGonagall: Nice try, Severus. If you don’t do this with me I will “accidentally” tell Dumbledore where you hid Gilderoy.
Snape: In order to do that, you would have to be privy to that information, which you are not.
McGonagall: You stuffed him in the vanishing cabinet in the Room of Requirement.
Snape: Wrong.
McGonagall: Don’t even try it. I saw him.
Snape: Very well, he is in the Vanishing Cabinet. However, should you notify Dumbledore, he might wonder what his Deputy Headmistress was doing in the Room of Requirement. It is certainly not a frequent haunt of most teachers.
McGonagall: Filch had seen some students go in there. I was looking for them.
Snape: Of course, Minerva.
McGonagall: Severus Snape, if you do not come with me this instant __
Snape: You seem to have forgotten that you are no longer my professor and thus have no authority__
McGonagall: You seem to have forgotten that I know who really made all of Albus’ socks explode at last years Christmas feast. Are you aware of what happened to the last person who messed with Albus’ sock collection?
Snape: I’m sure it was truly terrifying. Let me guess, Dumbledore offered them two lemon-drops instead of one and gazed at them with those horrifying, twinkling blue eyes.
McGonagall: Well, to be fair to your point of view, Albus is not usually terrifying. However, no one actually knows what happened to the last person to mess with his sock collection. They disappeared.
Snape: *eyes her skeptically* *sneering* I’m sure.
McGonagall: Damn it, Severus, let’s just go, we’re already late.
Snape: You’re already late. As I have already informed you, I refuse to read that insult to my name.
McGonagall: Why must you be so difficult?
Snape: Why do you insist on reading that unintelligible dreck? It’s not like Dumbledore is going to apprehend you. For one, he doesn’t apprehend anyone. Besides, you’re his deputy headmistress. What say we go for a walk or play a game of chess?
McGonagall: We haven’t played a good game of chess in a while…
Snape: You mean I haven’t destroyed you at chess in a while.
McGonagall: Spare me your ego trip and get the bloody board.
Snape: *smirks* As you wish, Minerva. *Bows sardonically and goes to retrieve the chess board. Once he grasps the chessboard he disappears along with it. One of the pawns falls to the floor*
McGonagall: Severus? ……………Severus? …………………. Oh bloody hell. *walks over to were Snape was standing. Picks up the pawn. Is instantly transported to Dumbledore’s office*
6:22pm, Dumbledore’s Office
Snape is sitting in a chair in front of Dumbledore’s desk glaring at the chess set, which is lying in front of him. Dumbledore is smiling placidly at Severus and eating a lemon drop.
Dumbledore: Hello, Minerva.
McGonagall: You turned my chess board into a portkey.
Dumbledore: I knew you two would attempt to avoid this punishment sooner or later. I also know that you two often enjoy a nice game of Wizard’s Chess. Thus the choice was logical. Lemon drop, Severus?
Snape: *tightly* No, thank you.
Dumbledore: I daresay, if you don’t stop that scowling your face will freeze that way, Severus.
Snape: *patented Snape sneer directed at Dumbledore*
Dumbledore: Lighten up, both of you. This is, after all, the last chapter.
Snape: For now.
Dumbledore: Exactly, you’ll have a reprieve.
McGonagall: You intend to make us read this atrocity to its’ finish?
Dumbledore: Indeed.
McGonagall: But, Albus, we haven’t done anything since we transfigured Trelawney’s crystal balls.
Dumbledore: Do you honestly think you can lie to me, my dear? Read, the sooner you get this over with, the sooner both of you can return to your game of chess. *exeunt*
Magic scrolls: *appear*
Snape: *attempts a battery of hexes*
Fic: *magically repairs itself*
McGonagall: *begins to read*
Ella was restless one summer evening.
McGonagall: But I’m sure either fic!Snape or fic!Sirius are going to fix this.
Snape: *hisses menacingly*
Her NEWTs were over and she took a walk in the corridor and noticed sneaking,
McGonagall: That doesn’t even dignify a response.
three third years. She followed them, one was important to Sirius.
Snape: The other two, however, were worthless. Actually, all were worthless, if you ask me, but I suppose it is a matter of perspective.
McGonagall: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger are not worthless.
Snape: As I previously state, it is a matter of perspective.
She waited outside Hagrid’s hut.
McGonagall: I’m fairly certain it isn’t normal behavior to follow people because one of them is important to someone you barely know.
They returned, Ron Weasley held a rat in his hand, which bit him.
Snape: The fic has finally broken me. I’m suffering from déjà vu.
McGonagall: No, that’s just the author’s rehashing of PoA because they lack originality.
A black dog leaped out of nowhere
Snape: - and murdered her.
, as did she to get to it.
McGonagall: I bet the Sue catches it.
They both ended up inside the whomping willow but Ella carried on running, until she came across a teacher, Professor Lupin.
Snape: No, it seems Pettigrew has disappeared and the author is rehashing more of the plot from PoA.
“Sir?”
Sirius turned back into normal.
“Ella run!” He ordered.
“Why?” She asked.
Snape: *as fic!Sirius*: Because I cannot stand your presence any longer. Now go! Please make sure to get a good whack from the Whomping Willow on your way out, preferably in the head.
Lupin transformed.
McGonagall/Snape: Bite the Sue!
Peter stood behind him with a slight smile.
Snape: Who doesn’t smile when confronted by a bloodthirsty werewolf?
McGonagall: Nothing cheers me more.
Ella gasped and ran, she grabbed Hermione on the way and her friends followed her. Then a yelp was heard and Harry turned back, Ella close behind him. Lupin ran into the woods, Sirius was on the ground]
Snape: -where he belongs.
, wand in hand.
Peter approached him and picked it up.
McGonagall: When did Pettigrew grow a backbone?
Snape: When the author took whatever mind-altering substance produced this horror.
“Expelliamus!”
Snape: The proper spell is Avada Kedavra.
Although disarmed, Peter transformed and escaped into the night.
McGonagall: I fail to see how Pettigrew was disarmed, since there is no specification as to who took such action.
Harry and Ella ran to Sirius’ side, when he noticed her.
“You, you’re the girl who...” he began.
“Not now Potter, we have to get him back...” she began.
Snape: I prefer Never Potter’s as opposed to “Not now Potters.” Unfortunately we seem to have a plague of “Often Potters” or “Always Potters”.
Teachers Snape, McGonagall
McGonagall/Snape: No!
and Dumbledore appeared. Dumbledore took Sirius
Snape: To the Forbidden Forest, whichever part Lupin scampered off to.
, McGonagall took Harry
Snape: -far away from Hogwarts.
and Snape beckoned Ella to him.
Snape: -and with a quick Sectumsempera extinguished her miserable existence.
“What happened?” He asked.
McGonagall: What could’ve possibly possessed this author to think that you actually concerned yourself with the affairs of students?
Snape: I’m convinced that fic!me is under the Imperius.
“The kids, they went out,
Snape: -and got beaten to death by the Whomping Willow.
they found Pettigrew, and he led us to Lupin, at full moon
Snape: -who bit us, thus ruining the rest of our lives.
. I had no idea. He tried to get Sirius. I disarmed him and he transformed, I’d never have caught him,” explained Ella.
McGonagall: That was an explanation? Her speech pattern is that of a muggle, children’s book.
Snape: See the Sue run. Run, Sue, Run.
“You don’t make things easy for yourself Ella! Why do you keep helping him?” Asked Snape.
McGonagall: Whoever put fic!you under the Imperius is rather perverted.
“Sir, it is not intentional,” replied Ella.
McGonagall: How is that? You’re the one who went wandering out of the school after curfew. You’re the one who attempted to grab Pettigrew. Those were both intentional actions.
Snape narrowed his eyes at her, but she looked at him so innocently he couldn’t say aloud what he had been thinking, she wasn’t that kind of girl, he thought.
Snape: A slut? I assure you fic!me, she’s been around the Quidditch pitch more than all of the schools chasers and former chasers combine.
McGonagall: I can’t say for sure, since such incidences don’t happen at Hogwarts, but I’m sure Dumbledore would not approve of a sexual relationship between a student and a teacher. I’m also certain that you would have to be under the Imperius to even consier a relationship with a student.
“Perhaps not, but you need to try harder if you want Lucius’ favour
McGonagall: What is favour?
Snape: The author’s pathetic attempt to look educated.
back,” he said calmly.
McGonagall: She’s a Sue-slut, all she needs to do is perform sexual favors for him and he’ll be at her disposal.
“You spoke to him? To be honest sir, I mean no disrespect to you but there is an uncomfortable place, where he can put his favour,” she said.
“Ella, that’s all very brave, perhaps foolish of you. Where will you go?” Asked Snape.
“I have my parents fortune do I not? I hardly touched it. I’ll get a job and pay my way like everyone else,” she replied.
Snape: If Lucius cut her off, she doesn’t have their fortune. She wouldn’t have it anyway on account of their son, Draco.
McGonagall: Those two sentences contradict each other.
“Ella you shouldn’t have to, if it weren’t for...” began Snape.
Snape: Learn how to finish a bloody sentence!
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hated sponging off the Malfoys,” said Ella.
McGonagall: Funny how she was fine with it until they cut her off.
Snape: It’s the Sue’s attempt to look stoic.
“He is your godfather, it’s his responsibility
Snape: -and honor to disown you.
,” he said.
“Not anymore. I’m done with him and his la di da
McGonagall: Knowing this Sue, I’m certain I don’t want to know what that means.
Snape: How poignant and intellectual, this girl is.
expectations. I want to be my own person; I don’t want to be daughter of mudblood killers or Malfoy’s ward. I just want to be me,” she said.
“You can’t escape who you are Ella. Don’t you think we all feel that way? I’d give anything to be known as more than potions professor and head of Slytherin.
McGonagall: …you would?
Snape: Yes, I would like to be known as Ella’s murderer.
You just have to live with it,” he said.
“Then quit. Hand in your resignation to Dumbledore, be who you want to be,” said Ella.
Snape seemed to give her words thought;
Snape: In reality fic!me was plotting how to murder her and make it look like an accident.
until he made eyes
McGonagall: I didn’t know that was a hobby of yours.
Snape: But, of course, Minerva. I made a spectacular pair out of phoenix feathers and unicorn hairs just last week. This week I plan to make some out of Dragon hide.
that made it clear that someone was behind her.
McGonagall: Your quite talented if you can make phoenix-feather and unicorn-hair eyes that warn people.
Snape: With my new abilities to create “Warning-Eyes”, I’m sure to get the DADA job next term.
“Sirius would like to see you,” said Dumbledore.
McGonagall: Dumbledore is going to allow them to shag in his office?
Snape: How in-character…
Ella went into the hospital wing;
McGonagall: My mistake, Poppy and Albus are going to allow them to shag in the hospital wing.
Snape: You know Sues, Minerva, they’re turned on by…well…everything.
McGonagall: They don’t have an off switch.
Harry smiled at her and left.
McGonagall: I wonder how in-character Harry would feel about a 17 year-old step-godmother.
She found herself stood awkwardly infront of the bed.
Snape: Because she often lost herself on account of having the intellectual capacity less than that of the stupidest troll in all of the Wizarding World.
“You wanted to...” she began.
Snape: *makes a disparaging sound*
McGonagall: Take a deep breath, Severus.
“Come sit down,” he said.
“Madame Pomphery...” she began.
Snape: Dear Merlin, don’t start a sentence if you can’t finish it!
McGonagall: And learn how to spell Poppy’s name.
“Has no power over me, I’m fine, again thanks to you,” he said.
Snape: Why, exactly, is Sirius in the hospital wing?
McGonagall: It’s convenient to the trite plot.
“He escaped,
Snape: -this horribly sickening and pathetic story.
McGonagall: Lucky him.
she said.
“From what I heard he was thinking about killing me,” he said.
Snape: I’m thinking of killing all of you.
McGonagall: Including fic!you?
Snape: Especially fic!me.
“We don’t know that,” she said.
McGonagall: *as Ella* And I’m too stupid to use basic reasoning skills and common sense to deduce that.
Sirius looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
McGonagall: I was not aware that Sirius had a unibrow.
“He was hardly going to put a tickling charm on me,” he said.
Ella said nothing.
“You never replied to my letters,” he said.
Snape: This is reminding me of a muggle play I read one summer when I was particularly bored.
McGonagall: What play is that?
Snape: How I Learned to Drive. It’s about an Uncle that molests his niece. When she goes off to University, he continually writes her letters counting down the days until she comes of age. She ignores them. They meet at a hotel, he proposes marriage, she refuses, he drinks himself to death.
McGonagall: Sounds pleasant…
“I was trying to sort out my home life,” she said.
Sirius folded his arms.
“He didn’t like what you did,” he stated.
“You’re a...” she began.
“A blood traitor and proud. I like the fact that my face has been blown off the family tree,
McGonagall: The Blacks are pretty violent if they cause the pictures of their undesirable relatives to explode as opposed to just burning them like normal, supercilious, pure-blood families.
that mother lost her only son when he died,” he said.
Snape: It might help the reader understand what the hell is going on if you specify “he’s” name.
“What are you saying?” She asked.
McGonagall: Despite the lack of specification of Regulus’ name, it is quite clear what he is saying.
“That you aren’t part of the tree you came from, you’re a wand or the tail end of a broom now, something much better,” he said.
Snape: That metaphor is so stupid I may vomit. I’m going to go pay a visit to Dumbledore’s sock collection.
McGonagall: No you are not!
“Sirius...” began Ella.
Snape: *snarls a slew of curse words*
“I want to know you for you, not the Howards, not the Malfoys, you,” he added.
“What’s the difference?” She asked.
McGonagall: Wasn’t she just whining about how she wanted to be a separate entity from her parents and the Malfoys?
“The Malfoys wouldn’t have had my name cleared and your parents wouldn’t have dragged a muggle-born girl from danger.
Snape: Quite they hypocrites, her parents.
Individuality is priceless, trust me,” he replied.
Ella knew he was right, they shared the same ideas, ideas that she had tried to enforce on to Snape,
Snape: I assure you, should anyone, let alone a student attempt to pompously lecture me about morality, I would hex them before they could even think about screaming in terror. Excuse me, but I have some important matters to attend to. *disappears into Dumbledore’s living quarters*
McGonagall: Severus Tobias Snape, you get back here this instant!
Five minutes: *elapses*
Snape: *returns*
McGonagall: What in Merlin’s name were you doing in Dumbledore’s living quarters?
Snape: *smiles nastily* Continue reading, Minerva.
but she doubted if he would take her advice.
Snape: Not even under the influence of the Imperius Curse.
She found Sirius quite similar to herself, he looked better than last time she saw him. He still had a bit of beard, but it was well trimmed, he was clean and his clothes fit and were not torn.
McGonagall: He’s on the run. When did he have time for laundry and a shave?
“I think I do,” she said.
Snape: Because it is often wise to trust people you barely know.
Sirius smiled at her as Madame Pomphery
McGonagall: Madame Pomfrey. Pomfrey, P-O-M-F-R-E-Y.
arrived next to Ella.
“Mr. Black, you may go, please escourt Miss Howard back to Slytherin,” she said.
McGonagall *as Madame Pomphery* Or you could escort her back to the Slytherin common room.
Snape: Unless, of course, escourting is a form of murder in which case, continue on.
Sirius got up. He and Ella walked down the corridor side by side. Sirius’ hand brushed against hers
McGonagall: When did this become a time-warp fic? I assume it did because Sirius is acting like he’s five.
Snape: Which differs from his usual behavior, how?
and she smiled, thinking he should grow up
McGonagall: For the first and only time I agree with the Sue.
and did not respond. She could have sworn she heard a slight growl of disappointment under his breath. At the top of the dungeons, Ella turned to him with a smile.
“I think I know my way from here,” she said.
“Do you?” Asked Sirius.
He lent
Snape: -Ella a hand in her quest to Avada Kedavra herself.
forward,
McGonagall: That was supposed to be leaned. Dear, Merlin, Muggle English classes have really taken a turn for the worst.
but Ella took a step back
Snape: -into the common room where she immediately assumed her favorite position on her back.
“Are you sure?” He asked.
Snape: That she’s a trollop? Yes, we are quite certain.
“No, but I have letters to write if I am to get a job,” she replied.
McGonagall: I thought she had somehow secured the Malfoy fortune even though Narcissa and Lucius are still alive, as is Draco, their son.
“Lucius...” began Sirius.
McGonagall: Finish what you started, author-person.
Snape: No wonder Sirius could never hold onto a girlfriend.
McGonagall: Says the man who never really had a girlfriend.
Ella shook her head. She didn’t have to say the rest. Lucius wanted nothing to do with her and it was because of her own stubbornness and his need for the truth to come out.
McGonagall: I thought Lucius wanted to keep the truth hidden and not disgrace his family name?
Snape: Perhaps he would like to expose her as a slut, stitch scarlet letters on her clothing?
“I’m sorry,” he said.
McGonagall: I love how everyone pities the spoiled brat so she can look so stoic and strong.
“No you did me a favour. I’d have never accepted a position at the ministry just because he made it so. I’d rather...” she began.
Snape: Since you are too incompetent to finish your own sentence, I will finish it for you. *as fic!Ella* I’d rather get the position by putting myself in many compromising positions with several ministry officials.
“Make your own way,” he added.
Ella smiled at his understanding. He smiled at her and put his hand on her arm.
“Thank you, for everything. Never be too proud to ask me for anything, you’ve earned it,” he said.
“Miss Howard!”
Snape ruined the pleasant moment.
Snape: Go fic!me.
Ella turned quickly to her head of house, he looked at her and then to Sirius with a cold look about him.
McGonagall: You always have a cold look about you.
Snape: That’s the entire point of the dark scowl. The entire point of the “cold look” is to prevent morons such as the Sue from attempting to engage in menial conversation and thus, prevents me from murdering them.
“If you don’t mind Black, you’re a little old to be wondering the castle at night,
McGonagall: But in the sober light of day he isn’t?
Snape: This fic was incoherent enough without the random time-warps. Perhaps we should involve the ministry. This is clearly in violation of the laws of Time Travel.
Miss Howard you should be in your dorm, now,” he added.
Sirius wanted to say goodbye, but Snape’s last word was not ignored or to be so according to his tone.
Snape: A wise decision.
Ella scarpered
McGonagall: Again, I don’t know what that is, but considering she’s a harlot, I should probably be glad of that.
deep into the dungeon and Sirius managed to take the high ground by leaving Snape to glare at his exit.
Snape: Sirius Black NEVER takes the high ground. Had this author bothered to exert her one brain-cell to keep him in character he would’ve rallied his posse and fought me at least four on one.
McGonagall: Let it go, Severus.
Snape: Let it go?!?!?! Let it go?!?!?! Just like I had to let it go every time he and his impudent friends decided to torment me? Just like I had to let it go after he nearly KILLED me?!?!?! I AM DONE LETTING IT GO, damn it!!!
McGonagall: Okay, Severus, I think it’s time for a calming potion. *grabs his forearm and attempts to lead him out of the room*
Snape: *jerks his arm out of her grasp* Let go of me, infernal woman!
McGonagall: Oh, come off it! Go to the blasted hospital wing before I put you in a full body bind and levitate you there.
Snape: Come of it?!? No, I don’t think I will Come off it.
McGonagall: *sighs heavily*
Dumbledore: *enters*
Snape: *is infuriated*
McGonagall: I told you there was only so much of this he could take.
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, Minerva, I have brought a calming potion, just in case. *withdraws a vial from his robes and hands it to Snape*
Snape: *downs it*
Five minutes: *elapses*
Snape: *is now calm*
McGonagall: Feeling better, Severus?
Snape: My apologies, Minerva.
McGonagall: It’s understandable, what with how your character has been destroyed. What’s say we actually play a game of chess now that we’re done reading that dreck?
Snape: You know I’d never miss a chance to humiliate you, Minerva.
McGonagall and Snape: *exeunt*
Dumbledore: They never ask me to play Wizard’s Chess with them…Oh well, at least I have my socks. *enters living quarters*
Socks: *are lying in their drawer*
Dumbledore: *attempts to grab a pair*
Dumbledore’s hand: *goes right through the socks*
Dumbledore: *attempts to grab several more pairs*
Dumbledore’s hand: *goes through each of them*
Meanwhile in McGonagall’s office…
McGonagall and Snape: *are playing chess*
McGonagall: So, Severus, what did you do to Dumbledore’s sock collection?
Snape: I may have hidden them and cast several illusion charms to make it look like they are still in their proper place.
McGonagall: That’s rather cruel, Severus.
Snape: *smirks* That was the entire objective.