Adventures of Cradle-Robbing Perverts Ch1 part 2
Part 2 of Chapter one of the OMG Snape and Sirius are in a love-triangle with a STUDENT!fic.
The fic features: stupidity, implausbility, and assassination of my beloved Snape's character. (poor Sev)
The MST features: Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall still serving time for their stunt with Lockhart.
6:00 pm.
Snape and McGonagall trudge into Dumbledore’s office.
Dumbledore: Hello, Severus, Minerva. You will be pleased to know that Gilderoy’s hair and teeth are re-growing nicely.
McGonagall: *under her breath* Pleased is not the word I would use.
Dumbledore: *selectively ignores that comment* And how are you two enjoying the saga of Mrs. Howard and Sirius’ blossoming relationship?
Snape: Like I enjoyed giving Occlumency lessons to Potter.
Dumbledore: Wonderful. I trust no one will be hexed this time?
McGonagall and Snape: No, Headmaster.
Dumbledore: Very well, I shall return when you have finished. *exeunt*
Magical Scrolls of Bad!fic: *appear*
McGonagall: *begins reading aloud*
Ella went to a different bed and went to sleep. Eventually she woke up and found no dog and no Sirius.
McGonagall: Because they were one and the same…
It was early, slightly dark. Was it a dream? She returned to her own bed, there were black dog hairs on it. It wasn’t a dream but that left the unanswered question of where Sirius went?
Snape: After spending mere minutes in conversation with Ella he threw himself off the Astronomy Tower. You know, the prospect of that event taking place makes me wish Ella was real.
McGonagall: *Very conspicuously withdraws a quill and a piece of parchment and begins to write*
Snape: What are you doing?
McGonagall: To quote the Marauders, “Keep your abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.”
Snape: *attempts to read over her shoulder and is thwarted by enchanted, invisible ink*
Jane returned to the dorm and shook her head at Ella, followed by Delilah who began ranting instantly.
Snape: *aims his wand at the story* Incendio!
Story: *is unharmed*
McGonnagall: Did you honestly think that Albus wouldn’t magically protect the object of our punishment?
Snape: It was worth a shot.
“Well I hope you think you are cool! Never again! If any other teacher dares inter-house unity me again,
McGonagall: How does one “inter-house unity” someone?
Snape: I would explain it to you, Minerva, but that would make this MST X-rated.
McGonagall: 0_0
I will pack my bags, NEWTs or not!
McGonagall: Then I will live the rest of my life working at a muggle McDougall’s because I was too stupid to realize that without a diploma I couldn’t actually get a job.
Snape: I believe it’s called McDonald’s.
I see you haven’t been murdered!” She shouted.
McGonagall: Another astute observation brought to you by: Slytherin intelligence.
Snape: Which was really disguised Gryffindor stupidity.
“No, no I haven’t. Is breakfast ready?” Asked Ella.
McGonagall: Do all girls in your house have such scintillating conversations, Severus?
“Probably,” replied Jane.
Ella went downstairs and took advantage of being the only one there, she took some food and went outside with it.
Severus: All of the students eat together, That sentence is erroneous.
She had no idea where Sirius was, but decided to go by the forest and leave it there with a note that read ‘for the dog’.
McGonagall: This stupid plan brought to you by: Slytherin cunning.
Snape: This story is disgracing my house.
She then went back inside for her own breakfast but couldn’t help but stare at the Gryffindor table.
Snape: She had finally found other students insolent enough for her to relate to.
McGonagall: You are merely jealous because…because…
Snape: Oh please, do explain my envy, Minerva, I’m dying to know why I would bear such feelings for a house that has come in fourth place in Quidditch for the last fifty years and is full of foolish, myopic, dunderheads.
McGonagall: Gryffindors are brave and courageous!
Snape: Is that so? Which of us lied to Voldemort successfully on a daily basis during the war?
McGonagall: …Oh sod off, you arrogant prat.
“What is wrong with you?” Asked Jane.
Snape: *as Ella* I am a flaming imbecile.
“Nothing,
McGonagall: Everything.
well something, I’m not sure,” replied Ella.
Jane and Delilah shook their heads. Ella was distant all day; Snape had to stop her blowing up the classroom and sent her out.
Snape: And made her serve detention for the rest of her miserable career at Hogwarts.
He kept an eye on her as best he could as he received reports from other members of staff,
McGonagall: *bursts into laughter*
Snape: *amused smirk*
even Jane begged him to have a word.
Snape: Which would’ve lead in-character!me to threaten her and give her detention until she left me alone.
All day, Ella had been wondering how to get hold of the Weasley boy’s rat. The girls were getting ready for bed when there was a polite knock, which meant trouble. Snape opened the door and the girls all covered themselves as best they could.
McGonagall: I don’t think Dumbledore would approve of your brazen invasion of your female students privacy, Severus.
Snape: This story is libel, thus it is my duty as a citizen of the United Kingdom to find and prosecute this author.
McGonagall: The muggle authorities would probably prefer you let them prosecute the author as opposed to taking matters into your own hands.
Snape: They don’t have to know, Minerva.
“Everything alright ladies?” He asked.
Snape: Let me answer that, fic!me, you are entering a girls dormitory, where, judging by the last sentence of that paragraph, they were, for some reason, lacking clothing, thus violating the school-rules and several laws.
Jane and Delilah both answered.
“Yes sir,”
Ella did not nod or reply. Snape frowned and personally addressed her.
McGonagall: Sexual harassment aside, this story makes you a better teacher, Severus.
“Miss Howard?”
Her eyes seemed to sparkle when she was addressed.
McGonagall: Is this a Twilight crossover?
Snape: Merlin, I hope not.
“How long should a common rat live sir?” She asked.
“Four years is uncommon,” he replied.
McGonagall: Which does not answer the question.
“You’d say ten or more is impossible?” Asked Ella.
“Quite? What are you saying?” He asked.
McGonagall: *leans closer to Snape* SHE SAID “YOU’D SAY TEN OR MORE IS IMPOSSIBLE”
Snape: *flinches away* 50,000 points from Gryffindor.
“If a rat lived that long, it cannot possibly live that long.
Snape and McGonagall: *cock their heads slightly to the side*
Have you not noticed the hand me down rat on the Gryffindor table? Head Boy Weasley had it when he first came here, now his little brother owns it, does that seem right to you?” She asked.
McGonagall: Is this girl seriously talking to you like you’re a moron?
Snape: Then professor Snape deemed it an appropriate course of action to wring her neck.
McGonagall: Why don’t you just Avada Kedavra her?
Snape: What entertainment would that provide?
Snape looked at her and then made to leave as he spoke.
“The school owes you
Snape: -an extremely powerful killing curse.
Ella Howard!”
McGonagall: But since that sentence is lacking a comma it looks like Severus is telling the Sue that the school owes her something called an “Ella Howard.”
He left and returned a few minutes later with the rat in question.
McGonagall: Why Severus, when did you become head of Gryffindor House?
Severus: So not only can I enter the girls’ dormitories, but I can also enter the common rooms and dormitories of other houses?
“Take out your wand, with me when I drop him,”
Snape: *as fic!himself* -So that I may snap it in half.
he ordered.
McGonagall: And now you need the help of a student to apprehend Pettigrew.
Ella did and watched. Snape lowered his wand, it was not who he had thought or hoped it to be.
McGonagall: Who did you hope it would be? Voldemort? Dumbledore? Grindelwald?
Snape: Surely this author does not think that I believed Sirius had the animagus form of a rat.
McGonagall: I wouldn’t be surprise.
Snape: I am an enigmatic genius, not a fool!
Jane and Delilah screamed.
McGonagall: EEEK!!!
Snape: *mockingly* You all right, Minerva?
McGonagall: I think I’m going mad. Accio Firewhiskey!
Snape: I hope you intend to share…
McGonagall: Given these trying times I am willing to set our differences aside.
“Get the headmaster Miss Stone,” ordered Snape.
Jane left as Peter Pettigrew faced Snape and Ella, who already knew what he did.
“What really happened to the muggles? Did Sirius Black really betray the Potters or was it you? Are you...?” She began.
Snape revealed the man’s arm. There was a faint outline of the dark mark. He was furious, the way he glared at the other man.
McGonagall: You’re always glaring or scowling.
Snape: It’s part of my charm.
McGonagall: That sentence structure is atrocious. *downs a glass of firewhiskey*
Snape: *downs his glass*
“You sold...” he began.
“She would never have loved you,” said Peter.
Snape: Considering Pettigrew is not aware of my alleged feelings for Lily Evans, who is he referring to?
McGonagall: Bellatrix Lestrange?
Snape: If that is the case I will need a lot more firewhiskey to get through this.
Snape struck him
McGonagall: Oh look, Severus, now you’re a squib.
Snape: Why in Merlin’s name would I bother with that? I know several curses that could cause more pain. I could make him slap himself, for Merlin’s sake! *downs another glass of firewhiskey*
and then raised his wand.
“Ava...”
Snape: I am not so easily provoked as to begin using unforgivables on school grounds, in front of students. I can’t take this anymore.
Delilah screamed and Ella got to Peter first.
Snape: @&#(@(!*#&$$$#*@(@((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *murderously* Ella got to Peter first? The damn Sue got to Peter before me, when I already had my wand raised?!!!!!
McGonagall: Calm down, Severus, it’s just a stupid fanfic.
Snape: This atrocity is assassinating my character!!!!!
McGonagall: Have some firewhiskey. *hands him the bottle*
Snape: *begins to drink heavily*
“Stupefy!”
The rat man
McGonagall: Nananananananana Ratman!!
was stunned and Snape lowered his wand. Delilah was hysterical.
“He tried to kill him! He was going to kill him! Why didn’t you stun him? It should have been him you turned your wand to!” She shouted.
McGonagall: I think the minion just suggested that the Sue should’ve hexed you, Severus.
Snape: I hope the Sue does. That will give me reason to…er…apprehend the behavior…
“I am sorry. Patrificus Totalus!” said Ella.
She froze her friend and turned back to her teacher. He looked at her with a surprised expression.
“She’s right. It should have been me you turned on,” he said.
McGonagall: I think you have split personality disorder in this fic, Severus. First you’re accommodating to the brats, then you’re a pervert, then you’re a crazed murderer, now you’re a martyr.
Snape: Perhaps fic!me has indulged in some sort of muggle, street-drug?
“No. You’re a fully qualified wizard and this man murdered thirteen people, framed an innocent man and sold a person’s family for his own safety, I couldn’t watch him alone,” she said.
McGonagall: But she’s a Sue! She was quicker than you with her wand! She should be able to keep hold of him until Dumbledore gets there.
Snape: Upon hearing this statement, fic!me left the Sue to hopefully be murdered by Pettigrew.
Snape nodded in acceptance of her logic. She was a bright girl, perhaps too bright for his house.
Snape: You are correct, Minerva. It does appear that I am head of Gryffindor House in the fic. Just because your damn Sue is a twit doesn’t mean that all Slytherins are stupid, author-person.
McGonagall: A) Gryffindor’s are not stupid. B) I can’t believe this person insinuated that her sleazy, self-inserted Sue is more intelligent than yourself and Voldemort. The Sue is, in fact, dumber than Crabbe and Goyle.
Yet other things were troubling him, things that Ella voiced.
Snape: Oh good. She’s now going to psycho-analyze me and figure out my entire life story using her Sue-intuition. I would rather endure the Cruciatus than this assassination of my character.
“You do know this means Sirius Black is innocent of everything he was accused?” She asked.
McGonagall: No shit.
Snape: *points wand at fic* Reducto!
Fic: *explodes and then mends itself*
McGonagall: Are you finished?
Snape: *scowls at fic*
McGonagall: *continues reading*
He said nothing.
Snape: If I were in character I would not stand there an pout I would give her one of my glorious sneers and walk away.
“You and he are around the same age, did you know him?” she asked.
“A bully Miss Howard, who deserved everything coming to him. I personally was not surprised to hear what he had done,” replied Snape.
Snape: Nor would I volunteer my personal feelings on the matter!
“But not a lifetime of dementors surely? I wouldn’t wish that on any of my exes,” she added.
McGonagall: What do her exes have to do with your arch nemesis?
Snape: The author is just using the implication that the Sue has dated to show how attractive she allegedly is. In reality she is just verifying our view of the Sue as a slut who spends more time on her back than a comatose person.
“Your exes Miss Howard, you have dated?” He asked.
Snape:…Oh dear Merlin, no. I see where this trite plot is going and I will not stand for it!!
McGonagall: I see you’re back in perv-mode.
Ella smiled,
Snape: And fic!me hexed the stupid grin off her unattractive face.
Pettigrew stirred and she moved on her guard.
Snape: See? What did I tell you? She’s already on a guard, that harlot.
McGonagall: I can see how you survived a spy, Snape, what with discussing your students love-lives while a murderer is in your presence.
Snape shot cords out of his wand
Snape: -and constructed a noose with which to hang himself for being OOC, thus escaping this fic forever.
to have him tied up.
McGonagall: What else would you do with ropes?
“Did you kill those muggles? Did you sell the Potters? Did you frame Black?” Asked Snape.
McGonagall: Severus Snape: Spanish Conquistador.
Snape: I can think of several more productive ways to extract information than merely hammering someone with questions.
“Yes, yes, yes, be merciful Severus, I am not the only death eater in this room,” replied Peter.
McGonagall: The author is of course, going to use this revelation about your past to forge the love connection between yourself and the Sue-
Snape: *gags*
McGonagall: -thus, forming a demented love-triangle between yourself, the Sue, and Sirius.
Snape: *gags several times in succession*
Ella turned quickly to Snape, she already knew, all the Slytherins knew because all their parents were marked in some way.
McGonagall: Actually no one knew, save for Dumbledore.
Snape: Unless their parents’ marks contain a picture of myself with the mark I fail to see how that correlates. This author is completely ruining my air of mystery.
Dumbledore arrived with enforcements
McGonagall: Dumbledore arrived with what?
and Peter was taken away. Snape was left to settle the girls,
Snape: !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! *gags, chokes, sputters indignantly*
McGonagall: I never realized that Slytherin was such a comforting and loving house.
Snape: They are of age and that is…just…there are no words…
Ella couldn’t rest her curiosity.
“Who would never love you?” She asked.
Snape: *as fic!himself* None of your damn business and if you ask me again I will blindfold you, petrify you, and abandon you in the Forbidden Forest.
“Enough Howard. Get to sleep, take the morning off, all of you,” ordered Snape.
McGonagall: Has this author even read the books, or, at least, watched the movies? If a student asked such a personal question you would triple the workload of the entire class.
Ella knew she had crossed the line and made out like she was doing as she was told. When Snape left she sat up, Jane looked over at Delilah.
“She’s not moved,” she said.
“My doing, we had a situation. Some of us are used to deatheaters, more than others,” said Ella.
“You were a kid,” argued Jane.
“I was nine before we were found,” added Ella.
“The papers said you were five,” said Jane.
“The papers say Potter was one month old when he defeated the Dark Lord,
McGonagall/Snape: No they don’t.
McGonagall: And here’s the patented Sue life-scarring and traumatizing secret.
he was over twelve months,” argued Ella.
“How do you know so much?” She asked.
Snape: *as Ella* I’m a Mary Sue.
“I pay attention,” replied Ella.
McGonagall:………That was the end……
Snape: It’s probably a pathetic travesty of a cliffhanger.
McGonagall: Well, at least it’s over.
Snape: There are two more chapters so far.
McGonagall: I’ll bring more firewhiskey tomorrow seeing as you’ve finished Dumbledore’s.
Snape: I don’t intend to be doing this tomorrow. I intend to drink a vial of Draught of Living Death.
McGonagall: Don’t be melodramatic.
Snape: …I’m not…
.