Jennifer Craw and the Phoenix Wand Chapter 1 Part 1
Hello,
Unfortunately I left my flash drive that contains my Twilight MST at my parents house so I found I horrible so fic on fanfiction.net that has 20 parts completed and the 21st is still going. Each section is about 40 chapters long and the author refers to them as novels. Without further adieu, let us begin the next Snagonagall sporking.
Warnings: fic contains OOCness and a sue, sporking contains strong language, occasionally lewd humor
Dumbledore: *enters Severus’ living quarters where he and Minerva McGonagall are sharing a bottle of firewhiskey and playing a game of wizard’s chess* Good evening, Minerva, Severus.
Snape: Not anymore, I’m sure.
Dumbledore: Ah, Severus, so optimistic. But, perhaps, you are correct.
Snape: *sarcastically* Astounding.
Dumbledore: It appears that Voldemort has found a much cleaner way of torturing his enemies.
Snape: Locking them in a room with both Gilderoy Lockhart and Delores Umbridge?
Dumbledore: Badfic.
Snape: *sarcastically* Tragic.
McGonagall: My, that is a shame. Unfortunately, I have my annual employee physical with Poppy today. I really must be leaving.
Dumbledore: You scheduled your annual employee physical for 2 in the morning?
McGonagall: Strange time, I know, but that’s when Poppy told me to come in.
Dumbledore: Usually, you are much better at lying, Minerva.
McGonagall: It’s 2am and I’ve had a little too much fire whiskey.
Dumbledore: That should be helpful in this case. You see, the magic involved in badfic’s ability to shred a person’s sanity is as old as time itself and so terribly simple that I overlooked it at first. Badfic’s power lies in the power of sheer, unbelievable idiocy, the kind of idiocy that even garden variety stupid people will snap when confronted with it. The only way to protect oneself form this power and render it innocuous forever is to mock it. Wit and sarcasm seem to be two of the many skills at which the two of you are proficient.
Snape: We’re already taking on Twatlight.
Dumbledore: I’m sure, for the sake of wizardkind, you can take on one more. Besides, I’m going to join you.
Snape: Is that supposed to entice us?
Dumbledore: Would you be so kind as to read for us, Severus? You have such a wonderful voice for these sorts of things.
Snape: *sneers* Very well.
Chapter One
The New Professor
Dumbledore: Shall we start by making a few predictions?
Snape: What reward shall we receive if we are correct?
Dumbledore: Whichever one of you is the closest will get first dibs on the Quidditch pitch.
Snape: It’s obvious that this new professor is going to be the DADA teacher, she’ll last more than a year breaking the 50 or so year old curse, be the best teacher ever, obviously, and be the love interest of one of the staff members. Unfortunately, she will probably attach herself to me and turn me into a nauseating sap.
McGonagall: She has to be the DADA professor, they always are. I also predict that she will last more than a year, become the most trusted member of the Order of the Phoenix, be the lust object of all the male students and some of the female students. I agree that the only logical choice of love interest is Severus. Naturally, I will be jealous of her youth and attractiveness and become her Scary Sue.
Dumbledore: You’ll be jealous of Severus’ Sue?
Snape: Because the sue will be the object of my extremely limited affections, which are so coveted by all women.
McGonagall: After you pay them, of course.
Snape: I don’t recall paying you.
Dumbledore: *furrows eyebrows* Did you -
McGonagall: Don’t be ridiculous.
Snape: I was merely harassing Minerva, Dumbledore.
Jennifer Craw checked over her bags one last time.
McGonagall: She found them extremely attractive and wished to obtain their phone numbers.
Her personal books
Snape: For she had a much better relationship with them than she had with her impersonal books.
and magic equipment were all packed safely in her trunk with her bag of tricks,
McGonagall: Pardon?
Snape: Her S&M equipment, obviously.
Dumbledore: Would you be the “dom” or the “sub”, Severus?
Snape: I am certain that that question would count as sexual harassment.
Dumbledore: I was merely curious. Don’t be alarmed, Severus, you’re not my type.
McGonagall: May we move on?
and all of her robes, personal effects and weekend wardrobe were neatly and snuggly folded in her Unremarkable brand suitcase.
Dumbledore: Curious, I have never heard of that brand.
McGonagall: I assume that is supposed to be some sort of magical suitcase, but why would that be necessary? She could shrink a regular suitcase like the rest of us or just carry it. There is nothing suspect about a suitcase.
It had scarcely been a month since she had received a post about her new position as a Hogwarts professor. It came as a pleasant surprise to someone who had
Dumbledore: Alas, a missing comma. I daresay the author was doing fairly well on their grammar up until this point.
in her first job at Beauxbatons endured countless, grueling interviews just to acquire a junior instructor position.
McGonagall: I assume she is referring to an apprenticeship and of course she had to go through several interviews. She had no experience.
Rumors of the empty seat after last year's escapades at the end of the Triwizard tournament
Snape: *sneering* Yes, Barty Crouch Jr. impersonating Moody in order to deliver Potter to the Dark Lord and facilitate his return to power was merely a jaunty little escapade.
McGonagall: Understatement of the century. Although, I’m sure if the Sue had been present she would have somehow determined that Moody was, in fact, Barty Crouch Jr. and, thus, prevented the rise of Voldemort.
had prompted her to write a letter of inquiry about the job asking for more specifics.
Dumbledore: How did she know what had happened? I merely put an ad in the Daily Prophet that we were in need of a DADA professor. I did not go into specifics.
Snape: She’s a Mary Sue. Like Potter, she has the mysterious ability to “just know” things.
It was not long after, very speedily in fact, that she received a letter in return:
McGonagall: That sentence sounds awkward.
Snape: That sentence sounds like it was written by the illegitimate love child of Crabbe and Dobby.
Dumbledore: That would be a most interesting child.
~Miss Jennifer Corsiva Craw,
Dumbledore: Corsiva?
McGonagall: Be happy she has a normal first name.
Thank you for your inquiry. You have been accepted as our new Professor in the instruction of the Defense of the Dark Arts for this upcoming year's term.
Snape: Without an interview or resume or any other form of verification of her identity and qualifications?
McGonagall: Still bitter over the fact that Dumbledore shafted you all those years, aye?
Snape: I am perfectly qualified to be the DADA professor.
All staff should attempt to report two weeks ahead of the semester to prepare their syllabi and requisition class materials.
McGonagall: If she needs to be reminded to prepare for her classes than she’s obviously a twit.
Dumbledore: I would never hire someone so clearly unqualified.
Snape: Does the name Gilderoy Lockhart sound familiar?
If you can, please arrive a day or two early so that I might acquaint you with some members of our staff, as well as inform you about some special circumstances surrounding your new position.
~Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts.
McGonagall: *as Dumbledore* Say, for example, how the job is cursed and by the end of the year you will most likely be dead or disgraced, nothing too important.
She reviewed it again as she stood in the full moonlight,
Snape: Ah, the moon, Lupin’s oldest friend.
Dumbledore: I daresay it is time that you two buried the hatchet, so to speak.
waiting upon the rooftop of her summer cottage just outside of Paris.
McGonagall: This girl is a professor; how does she afford a summer cottage in Paris?
Snape: I would bet my entire meager salary that she is somehow related to the Malfoy’s and has somehow become heir to their fortune instead of Draco.
The coach was
Snape: -in fact, a pumpkin pulled by mice.
Dumbledore: Wrong story, but I do appreciate a good Cinderella reference.
late but that was fairly usual even for a private coach.
McGonagall: A private coach? How is she able to pay for that?
Snape: Perhaps she is a high-priced call-girl?
In fact, it was almost bad luck for one to arrive on time, and although normally Jennifer ignored such trivial superstitions, a little extra luck on a new venture never hurt.
She took a moment to unfold
Dumbledore: -an origami crane. Have you ever tried origami, Severus? It is quite entertaining.
Snape: I would sooner try sodomizing myself with a rusty meat cleaver.
Dumbledore: I hope you try other more healthy hobbies first.
a pocket mirror. Normally it wasn't her looks she was interested in when she gazed in a mirror, only her thoughts;
McGonagall: She has to look in the mirror to tell what she is thinking?
Snape: That sentence contains more bullshit than all the herds of bulls in the world.
but this was a special occasion.
Dumbledore: Boxing Day?
McGonagall: Halloween?
Snape: Talk Like a Pirate Day, perhaps?
The stark black robes really did nothing for her,
Snape: -they were quite selfish. When she asked them to take out the trash or help her clean the apartment they always claimed they had sustained some sort of musculoskeletal injury.
making her face seem unusually pale and her auburn hair, conservatively pulled back, even more reddish.
McGonagall: I thought she was merely looking in the mirror to see her thoughts.
Dumbledore: Ah, a redhead, Severus is most assuredly the Sue’s love interest.
McGonagall: Clearly a travesty of Lily Evans.
Snape: I have no idea what you are referencing.
McGonagall: Oh please, your feelings for Lily Evans could not have been more obviously if you tattooed them across your forehead.
She shook her head; lips pursed, staring at her green eyes in the reflection and wondered if she should age herself a bit so that she looked less like
Snape: -a troll
an older student and more like
McGonagall: -Delores Umbridge.
the professor type.
Snape: I became a professor at age 21, sure the older students attempted to cause trouble, but after one weekend of scrubbing cauldrons with a toothbrush and several essays they quickly learned I was not to be trifled with.
McGonagall: *sarcastically* She has green eyes; I never would’ve guessed.
Dumbledore: That semi-colon should be a coma and I daresay she is stealing your trademark, Minerva.
McGonagall: Fear not, the sue has not mastered the art of lip-pursing as I have.
But after considering it seriously, she decided against
Snape: -wearing a metal brazier, horned-helmet, and neon yellow cape.
McGonagall: She only wore that to weddings.
it. Such a spell wasn't easily reversible; and anyhow, if there had been any question of her experience and teaching ability, she was sure she would have been grilled
Dumbledore: -to medium rare after being marinated overnight in steak sauce.
Snape/McGonagall: *stare at Dumbledore*
Dumbledore: Being witty is fun.
in interviews like she had been before. Folding her mirror and putting it in her
Dumbledore: -eyeball.
Snape: That does not make sense.
Dumbledore: Ah, but it was amusing. You ought to lighten up, Severus. Sometimes it seems you are older than me.
pocket, she glanced up once again at the sky.
At last a curious cloud appeared
McGonagall: -wondering where she was going, why the sky is blue, why London is called “London”, why Voldemort looks like a snake, the meaning of life, whether or not string theory is accurate…
Snape: It was an extremely irritating cloud.
, moving at a strangely rapid pace across the moonlit horizon. Driven by two black winged horses, a stagecoach
Snape: -crashed and burst into flames-
alighted on the rooftop in front of her; barely making a sound as it suddenly skidded to a stop. A very large man huffed and puffed
McGonagall: -and blew her house down.
as he squeezed through the door of the coach, brushing himself off as he nodded to her.
"'Alo there! You must be Professor Craw! I'll just be gett'in yer bags."
Dumbledore: I would never turn Hagrid into a personal escort for someone who is quite capable of getting to Hogwarts on their own.
"You must be Hagrid, the
McGonagall: -doppelganger. Hagrid is not bright and is way too attached to dangerous creatures, but he deserves much better than to be reduced to the sue’s slave.
Snape: Everyone is going to be reduced to the sue’s slave. At least Hagrid doesn’t have to become her sex slave.
McGonagall: Shall I play you a sonnet on the world’s tiniest violin?
school groundskeeper and Magical Creatures Instructor?" Jennifer asked with a smile.
"So ya've heard of me then?" he said brightly, opening the coach door for her.
"Yes, I believe I've seen you with
Dumbledore: -Dolly Parton-
Madame Maxime when you came to visit the school just after term ended."
McGonagall: When did Hagrid every visit Beauxbatons?
"Oh, ya noticed me," nodded Hagrid quickly,
Dumbledore: Quite a talent, speaking through nods.
Snape: I would’ve never guessed that Hagrid was a proficient interpretive dancer.
a bit flustered as he held the door for her.
McGonagall: Merlin, please don’t tell me that Hagrid is going to start fancying the sue.
"Well, I guess we shoul' be goin'. Dumbledore was hopin' ta get you in early enuf
Dumbledore: Hagrid’s accent does not necessitate the misspelling of “enough”.
so's he could talk ta ya."
McGonagall: *as Annie Lennox, singing* Talk to me-
Dumbledore: *joins in* Shoo-bop, Shoo-bop
McGonagall: *continues* Like lovers do
Snape: May we move on?
Like most things of magic, the coach was a lot bigger inside than out with room for Hagrid and herself with plenty to spare.
Dumbledore: Then why didn’t the door enlarge so that Hagrid could fit through it?
The moment they were in and the door was shut, the goblin driver on top snapped his whip.
Snape: *incredulously* A goblin? I know nobody pays attention to professor Binns, but everyone should be well aware that goblins do not like wizards and witches and would part with all of their goblin-made items before they stoop as low as driving a sue around.
The carriage took off with a jolt, tossing Jennifer back against her seat.
"Sorra
All: Pardon?
Dumbledore: Hagrid is capable of pronouncing the word “sorry”.
about tha', guess I shoulda' mentioned tha' mi' happen…" Hagrid said, "Pegasi ain't much up on stoppin' on command an' all.
McGonagall: I think I’ll need several more glasses of firewhiskey before I can even begin to comprehend that sentence.
Snape: This author cannot write Hagrid’s accent.
Too bad it's evenin', bet we coul' get a lovely view of the countryside from 'ere."
Jennifer chuckled softly to herself, thinking of all the "U.F.O." reports hatched from a daytime jaunt.
Dumbledore: I know what they are trying to say, but this is just terrible writing.
"Lovely beasts, aren't they? Did you raise them yourself?" she asked politely. Hagrid beamed
Snape: -the sue with his laser-vision.
with pride.
"Aye, I sure did! Wull, me an' my sixth years, anyways. Dumbledore wouldn' let me teach the students how to ride 'em, tho," he added with a blank, almost disappointed look.
McGonagall: Merlin, what the bloody hell does that say?
Dumbledore: How does one have both a blank and disappointed expression?
"Dunno why."
Jennifer nodded, privately agreeing with the Headmaster. The last thing she'd want to see on such an unpredictable creature would be an even more unpredictable student.
Snape: *massaging his temples* And yet, hippogriffs are considered completely predictable and safe, apparently, as Dumbledore allowed the students to ride them during Hagrid’s first year as an instructor.
Hagrid chatted away during the journey, mostly about his pets but some about the layout of the school, making Jennifer impatient to get there. It also was a nice distraction from going over the
Dumbledore: -rainbow.
channel,
McGonagall: Why? Does she have a fear of flying or a fear of heights or a fear of flying over water? These are things that should be explained.
hearing about the halls and turrets… but mostly about the creatures that she might encounter from the nearby forest.
But finally the coach began to wind its way down,
Snape: -into the gaping chasm from whence the sue came.
Unfortunately I left my flash drive that contains my Twilight MST at my parents house so I found I horrible so fic on fanfiction.net that has 20 parts completed and the 21st is still going. Each section is about 40 chapters long and the author refers to them as novels. Without further adieu, let us begin the next Snagonagall sporking.
Warnings: fic contains OOCness and a sue, sporking contains strong language, occasionally lewd humor
Dumbledore: *enters Severus’ living quarters where he and Minerva McGonagall are sharing a bottle of firewhiskey and playing a game of wizard’s chess* Good evening, Minerva, Severus.
Snape: Not anymore, I’m sure.
Dumbledore: Ah, Severus, so optimistic. But, perhaps, you are correct.
Snape: *sarcastically* Astounding.
Dumbledore: It appears that Voldemort has found a much cleaner way of torturing his enemies.
Snape: Locking them in a room with both Gilderoy Lockhart and Delores Umbridge?
Dumbledore: Badfic.
Snape: *sarcastically* Tragic.
McGonagall: My, that is a shame. Unfortunately, I have my annual employee physical with Poppy today. I really must be leaving.
Dumbledore: You scheduled your annual employee physical for 2 in the morning?
McGonagall: Strange time, I know, but that’s when Poppy told me to come in.
Dumbledore: Usually, you are much better at lying, Minerva.
McGonagall: It’s 2am and I’ve had a little too much fire whiskey.
Dumbledore: That should be helpful in this case. You see, the magic involved in badfic’s ability to shred a person’s sanity is as old as time itself and so terribly simple that I overlooked it at first. Badfic’s power lies in the power of sheer, unbelievable idiocy, the kind of idiocy that even garden variety stupid people will snap when confronted with it. The only way to protect oneself form this power and render it innocuous forever is to mock it. Wit and sarcasm seem to be two of the many skills at which the two of you are proficient.
Snape: We’re already taking on Twatlight.
Dumbledore: I’m sure, for the sake of wizardkind, you can take on one more. Besides, I’m going to join you.
Snape: Is that supposed to entice us?
Dumbledore: Would you be so kind as to read for us, Severus? You have such a wonderful voice for these sorts of things.
Snape: *sneers* Very well.
Chapter One
The New Professor
Dumbledore: Shall we start by making a few predictions?
Snape: What reward shall we receive if we are correct?
Dumbledore: Whichever one of you is the closest will get first dibs on the Quidditch pitch.
Snape: It’s obvious that this new professor is going to be the DADA teacher, she’ll last more than a year breaking the 50 or so year old curse, be the best teacher ever, obviously, and be the love interest of one of the staff members. Unfortunately, she will probably attach herself to me and turn me into a nauseating sap.
McGonagall: She has to be the DADA professor, they always are. I also predict that she will last more than a year, become the most trusted member of the Order of the Phoenix, be the lust object of all the male students and some of the female students. I agree that the only logical choice of love interest is Severus. Naturally, I will be jealous of her youth and attractiveness and become her Scary Sue.
Dumbledore: You’ll be jealous of Severus’ Sue?
Snape: Because the sue will be the object of my extremely limited affections, which are so coveted by all women.
McGonagall: After you pay them, of course.
Snape: I don’t recall paying you.
Dumbledore: *furrows eyebrows* Did you -
McGonagall: Don’t be ridiculous.
Snape: I was merely harassing Minerva, Dumbledore.
Jennifer Craw checked over her bags one last time.
McGonagall: She found them extremely attractive and wished to obtain their phone numbers.
Her personal books
Snape: For she had a much better relationship with them than she had with her impersonal books.
and magic equipment were all packed safely in her trunk with her bag of tricks,
McGonagall: Pardon?
Snape: Her S&M equipment, obviously.
Dumbledore: Would you be the “dom” or the “sub”, Severus?
Snape: I am certain that that question would count as sexual harassment.
Dumbledore: I was merely curious. Don’t be alarmed, Severus, you’re not my type.
McGonagall: May we move on?
and all of her robes, personal effects and weekend wardrobe were neatly and snuggly folded in her Unremarkable brand suitcase.
Dumbledore: Curious, I have never heard of that brand.
McGonagall: I assume that is supposed to be some sort of magical suitcase, but why would that be necessary? She could shrink a regular suitcase like the rest of us or just carry it. There is nothing suspect about a suitcase.
It had scarcely been a month since she had received a post about her new position as a Hogwarts professor. It came as a pleasant surprise to someone who had
Dumbledore: Alas, a missing comma. I daresay the author was doing fairly well on their grammar up until this point.
in her first job at Beauxbatons endured countless, grueling interviews just to acquire a junior instructor position.
McGonagall: I assume she is referring to an apprenticeship and of course she had to go through several interviews. She had no experience.
Rumors of the empty seat after last year's escapades at the end of the Triwizard tournament
Snape: *sneering* Yes, Barty Crouch Jr. impersonating Moody in order to deliver Potter to the Dark Lord and facilitate his return to power was merely a jaunty little escapade.
McGonagall: Understatement of the century. Although, I’m sure if the Sue had been present she would have somehow determined that Moody was, in fact, Barty Crouch Jr. and, thus, prevented the rise of Voldemort.
had prompted her to write a letter of inquiry about the job asking for more specifics.
Dumbledore: How did she know what had happened? I merely put an ad in the Daily Prophet that we were in need of a DADA professor. I did not go into specifics.
Snape: She’s a Mary Sue. Like Potter, she has the mysterious ability to “just know” things.
It was not long after, very speedily in fact, that she received a letter in return:
McGonagall: That sentence sounds awkward.
Snape: That sentence sounds like it was written by the illegitimate love child of Crabbe and Dobby.
Dumbledore: That would be a most interesting child.
~Miss Jennifer Corsiva Craw,
Dumbledore: Corsiva?
McGonagall: Be happy she has a normal first name.
Thank you for your inquiry. You have been accepted as our new Professor in the instruction of the Defense of the Dark Arts for this upcoming year's term.
Snape: Without an interview or resume or any other form of verification of her identity and qualifications?
McGonagall: Still bitter over the fact that Dumbledore shafted you all those years, aye?
Snape: I am perfectly qualified to be the DADA professor.
All staff should attempt to report two weeks ahead of the semester to prepare their syllabi and requisition class materials.
McGonagall: If she needs to be reminded to prepare for her classes than she’s obviously a twit.
Dumbledore: I would never hire someone so clearly unqualified.
Snape: Does the name Gilderoy Lockhart sound familiar?
If you can, please arrive a day or two early so that I might acquaint you with some members of our staff, as well as inform you about some special circumstances surrounding your new position.
~Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts.
McGonagall: *as Dumbledore* Say, for example, how the job is cursed and by the end of the year you will most likely be dead or disgraced, nothing too important.
She reviewed it again as she stood in the full moonlight,
Snape: Ah, the moon, Lupin’s oldest friend.
Dumbledore: I daresay it is time that you two buried the hatchet, so to speak.
waiting upon the rooftop of her summer cottage just outside of Paris.
McGonagall: This girl is a professor; how does she afford a summer cottage in Paris?
Snape: I would bet my entire meager salary that she is somehow related to the Malfoy’s and has somehow become heir to their fortune instead of Draco.
The coach was
Snape: -in fact, a pumpkin pulled by mice.
Dumbledore: Wrong story, but I do appreciate a good Cinderella reference.
late but that was fairly usual even for a private coach.
McGonagall: A private coach? How is she able to pay for that?
Snape: Perhaps she is a high-priced call-girl?
In fact, it was almost bad luck for one to arrive on time, and although normally Jennifer ignored such trivial superstitions, a little extra luck on a new venture never hurt.
She took a moment to unfold
Dumbledore: -an origami crane. Have you ever tried origami, Severus? It is quite entertaining.
Snape: I would sooner try sodomizing myself with a rusty meat cleaver.
Dumbledore: I hope you try other more healthy hobbies first.
a pocket mirror. Normally it wasn't her looks she was interested in when she gazed in a mirror, only her thoughts;
McGonagall: She has to look in the mirror to tell what she is thinking?
Snape: That sentence contains more bullshit than all the herds of bulls in the world.
but this was a special occasion.
Dumbledore: Boxing Day?
McGonagall: Halloween?
Snape: Talk Like a Pirate Day, perhaps?
The stark black robes really did nothing for her,
Snape: -they were quite selfish. When she asked them to take out the trash or help her clean the apartment they always claimed they had sustained some sort of musculoskeletal injury.
making her face seem unusually pale and her auburn hair, conservatively pulled back, even more reddish.
McGonagall: I thought she was merely looking in the mirror to see her thoughts.
Dumbledore: Ah, a redhead, Severus is most assuredly the Sue’s love interest.
McGonagall: Clearly a travesty of Lily Evans.
Snape: I have no idea what you are referencing.
McGonagall: Oh please, your feelings for Lily Evans could not have been more obviously if you tattooed them across your forehead.
She shook her head; lips pursed, staring at her green eyes in the reflection and wondered if she should age herself a bit so that she looked less like
Snape: -a troll
an older student and more like
McGonagall: -Delores Umbridge.
the professor type.
Snape: I became a professor at age 21, sure the older students attempted to cause trouble, but after one weekend of scrubbing cauldrons with a toothbrush and several essays they quickly learned I was not to be trifled with.
McGonagall: *sarcastically* She has green eyes; I never would’ve guessed.
Dumbledore: That semi-colon should be a coma and I daresay she is stealing your trademark, Minerva.
McGonagall: Fear not, the sue has not mastered the art of lip-pursing as I have.
But after considering it seriously, she decided against
Snape: -wearing a metal brazier, horned-helmet, and neon yellow cape.
McGonagall: She only wore that to weddings.
it. Such a spell wasn't easily reversible; and anyhow, if there had been any question of her experience and teaching ability, she was sure she would have been grilled
Dumbledore: -to medium rare after being marinated overnight in steak sauce.
Snape/McGonagall: *stare at Dumbledore*
Dumbledore: Being witty is fun.
in interviews like she had been before. Folding her mirror and putting it in her
Dumbledore: -eyeball.
Snape: That does not make sense.
Dumbledore: Ah, but it was amusing. You ought to lighten up, Severus. Sometimes it seems you are older than me.
pocket, she glanced up once again at the sky.
At last a curious cloud appeared
McGonagall: -wondering where she was going, why the sky is blue, why London is called “London”, why Voldemort looks like a snake, the meaning of life, whether or not string theory is accurate…
Snape: It was an extremely irritating cloud.
, moving at a strangely rapid pace across the moonlit horizon. Driven by two black winged horses, a stagecoach
Snape: -crashed and burst into flames-
alighted on the rooftop in front of her; barely making a sound as it suddenly skidded to a stop. A very large man huffed and puffed
McGonagall: -and blew her house down.
as he squeezed through the door of the coach, brushing himself off as he nodded to her.
"'Alo there! You must be Professor Craw! I'll just be gett'in yer bags."
Dumbledore: I would never turn Hagrid into a personal escort for someone who is quite capable of getting to Hogwarts on their own.
"You must be Hagrid, the
McGonagall: -doppelganger. Hagrid is not bright and is way too attached to dangerous creatures, but he deserves much better than to be reduced to the sue’s slave.
Snape: Everyone is going to be reduced to the sue’s slave. At least Hagrid doesn’t have to become her sex slave.
McGonagall: Shall I play you a sonnet on the world’s tiniest violin?
school groundskeeper and Magical Creatures Instructor?" Jennifer asked with a smile.
"So ya've heard of me then?" he said brightly, opening the coach door for her.
"Yes, I believe I've seen you with
Dumbledore: -Dolly Parton-
Madame Maxime when you came to visit the school just after term ended."
McGonagall: When did Hagrid every visit Beauxbatons?
"Oh, ya noticed me," nodded Hagrid quickly,
Dumbledore: Quite a talent, speaking through nods.
Snape: I would’ve never guessed that Hagrid was a proficient interpretive dancer.
a bit flustered as he held the door for her.
McGonagall: Merlin, please don’t tell me that Hagrid is going to start fancying the sue.
"Well, I guess we shoul' be goin'. Dumbledore was hopin' ta get you in early enuf
Dumbledore: Hagrid’s accent does not necessitate the misspelling of “enough”.
so's he could talk ta ya."
McGonagall: *as Annie Lennox, singing* Talk to me-
Dumbledore: *joins in* Shoo-bop, Shoo-bop
McGonagall: *continues* Like lovers do
Snape: May we move on?
Like most things of magic, the coach was a lot bigger inside than out with room for Hagrid and herself with plenty to spare.
Dumbledore: Then why didn’t the door enlarge so that Hagrid could fit through it?
The moment they were in and the door was shut, the goblin driver on top snapped his whip.
Snape: *incredulously* A goblin? I know nobody pays attention to professor Binns, but everyone should be well aware that goblins do not like wizards and witches and would part with all of their goblin-made items before they stoop as low as driving a sue around.
The carriage took off with a jolt, tossing Jennifer back against her seat.
"Sorra
All: Pardon?
Dumbledore: Hagrid is capable of pronouncing the word “sorry”.
about tha', guess I shoulda' mentioned tha' mi' happen…" Hagrid said, "Pegasi ain't much up on stoppin' on command an' all.
McGonagall: I think I’ll need several more glasses of firewhiskey before I can even begin to comprehend that sentence.
Snape: This author cannot write Hagrid’s accent.
Too bad it's evenin', bet we coul' get a lovely view of the countryside from 'ere."
Jennifer chuckled softly to herself, thinking of all the "U.F.O." reports hatched from a daytime jaunt.
Dumbledore: I know what they are trying to say, but this is just terrible writing.
"Lovely beasts, aren't they? Did you raise them yourself?" she asked politely. Hagrid beamed
Snape: -the sue with his laser-vision.
with pride.
"Aye, I sure did! Wull, me an' my sixth years, anyways. Dumbledore wouldn' let me teach the students how to ride 'em, tho," he added with a blank, almost disappointed look.
McGonagall: Merlin, what the bloody hell does that say?
Dumbledore: How does one have both a blank and disappointed expression?
"Dunno why."
Jennifer nodded, privately agreeing with the Headmaster. The last thing she'd want to see on such an unpredictable creature would be an even more unpredictable student.
Snape: *massaging his temples* And yet, hippogriffs are considered completely predictable and safe, apparently, as Dumbledore allowed the students to ride them during Hagrid’s first year as an instructor.
Hagrid chatted away during the journey, mostly about his pets but some about the layout of the school, making Jennifer impatient to get there. It also was a nice distraction from going over the
Dumbledore: -rainbow.
channel,
McGonagall: Why? Does she have a fear of flying or a fear of heights or a fear of flying over water? These are things that should be explained.
hearing about the halls and turrets… but mostly about the creatures that she might encounter from the nearby forest.
But finally the coach began to wind its way down,
Snape: -into the gaping chasm from whence the sue came.