To write...
I think I've been too scared to write anything down lately, aside from lists and lesson plans, because there are too many things happening. Graduate school or life or whatever is really starting to take a toll on my life and I don't think I have it all together anymore. I don't know what the fuck I am doing anymore.
So, for that reason, I am just going to say what I have to say and maybe something real with actualize itself out of me.
In about 2 months, it will be Cole and my 4 year anniversary, but I don't know if we can make it. It's just too hard. I think he's going to move out and live not too far away. I don't quite know what that means yet. I don't even know if it's serious.
My comfortable life is coming to a halt and I can't seem to explain it--it's a combination of a million things--I'm not dedicating myself to my work and at the same time I am too much so. I go to sleep every night at 10:30 so that I don't feel retarded in the morning.
I love him, possibly, too much. We're so young. I met him when we were too young. I hate it and everyday I wish I had met him today rather than 5 years ago. I wish we wouldn't have fallen in love that quickly. I wish we would have never of gotten that first apartment together. I wish that every time I look at him, I could see a future together. I wish we wouldn't have named our kids that will never be born--Sabbatha and Clovis.
I don't know if this is an end--a beginning--a break. It's hard even to distinguish my dreams from what is standing here in front of me.
I want everything and can have nothing. It's like I'm this god damn martyr to myself. It's sick. It's sick the way I feel. I feel like nothing is in reach--a real job, a real future, real time, real happiness.
I know it's just the sadness talking right now. I am normally not this negative and I know my future is not as bleak as I feel it could be. It's just today and the lack of sun and Cole's not here and everything is up in the air.
That's all. Now I wrote it down. Good.
So, for that reason, I am just going to say what I have to say and maybe something real with actualize itself out of me.
In about 2 months, it will be Cole and my 4 year anniversary, but I don't know if we can make it. It's just too hard. I think he's going to move out and live not too far away. I don't quite know what that means yet. I don't even know if it's serious.
My comfortable life is coming to a halt and I can't seem to explain it--it's a combination of a million things--I'm not dedicating myself to my work and at the same time I am too much so. I go to sleep every night at 10:30 so that I don't feel retarded in the morning.
I love him, possibly, too much. We're so young. I met him when we were too young. I hate it and everyday I wish I had met him today rather than 5 years ago. I wish we wouldn't have fallen in love that quickly. I wish we would have never of gotten that first apartment together. I wish that every time I look at him, I could see a future together. I wish we wouldn't have named our kids that will never be born--Sabbatha and Clovis.
I don't know if this is an end--a beginning--a break. It's hard even to distinguish my dreams from what is standing here in front of me.
I want everything and can have nothing. It's like I'm this god damn martyr to myself. It's sick. It's sick the way I feel. I feel like nothing is in reach--a real job, a real future, real time, real happiness.
I know it's just the sadness talking right now. I am normally not this negative and I know my future is not as bleak as I feel it could be. It's just today and the lack of sun and Cole's not here and everything is up in the air.
That's all. Now I wrote it down. Good.