Dreams, Nightmares, and Reality
Have you ever had a dream that hurt so bad that you woke up hating a person? And to think worse, the person you love more than anything in the world. It only lasts until you realize whats going on. But to think. You hated them and possibly wished they were never in your life because of a dream for a brief moment in time. How discusting. How could you do something like that? Hate someone when it is not at all their fault? What kind of person does that make you? Who fucking knows. It's just so much harder because you have to go to them. You know you can, because they love you. It's just so fucking hard to tell someone you care about so much that you actually had hatred for them. And they deserve to know. And much worse. It sparks some random thought events in your mind that will not go away. They just keep popping up over and over and over. And everytime you can't help but wish to die. No, don't call me emotional. I'm not. It's really a fuckin problem. Got it? At least I'm gonna say something to her about it. And fix it the right way. And not cry about it.
And you know what. I've had the same fuckin friends for over six years before I moved to Chehalis. And not just normal friends. I lived with two of them. And we were the best of friends possible. We still are. We would still give up the last of our money if we didn't really need it badly so that the other could use it for something they wanted. We would lie for eachother. Steal for eachother. Yet they insist on putting me down more than anyone else has in the past. They have always said things to me. But never this bad. And not enough for me to care.
For one. I don't give a FUCK what you guys say. My own FUCKING girlfriend too. Fuck you guys. I am not a fucking pussy got it? If you wanna pick a fucking fight with me you will god damn fucking regret it, I don't care who you are. And I don't care if I go down. You will be in alot of fucking pain. And for my own girlfriend to say, if we really fought, and both got into it, I would kick your ass. HAHA. She can't even budge me when I'm really standing there when her abusive ass starts pushing and pulling me anyways. Yeah. Your abusive. And I take it. That dosn't make me a pussy got it? It makes me a real fucking MAN ok? Would you rather me fucking deck you in the face? No. I would never fucking do that. So no more thinking your fucking tuffer than me. Or your not gonna be with me. My friends. Fuck them. They will always think they are better. I don't care. Good way to lose a good fucking friend.
Next, I am not a fucking faggot. Got it? I wear eyeliner and in my opinion I don't look at all fucking homosexual with it. I wear girl pants sometimes. Yeah. Maybe they can call me a fag for that. But in my opinion. Would it be better if I wore some scrubby ass fuckin shitty cloths like all my friends where I lived do? No. Ok. So I like to take care of my hair. And sometimes make it up a bit. That is in no way gay. And I don't think it looks gay at all. I could compare the way I look to a few people that they fucking idolize K? And showering with two guys. Don't care. Say there was something incredibly gay about that too. No, thats a drunk kid trying to show off and be an idiot. Not at all turned on. If I was fucking turned on I would be TURNED ON. YOU CAN FUCKING TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS TURNED ON YOU DUMB FUCKING IDIOTS. I have an over-active penis. Let me tell you this much. I get a hard on even when I definately WONT have sex. If that at all sparked something. I guarantee you fucks. I would have shown it. And some people would know. Believe me. Many saw. So shut the fuck up. I've seen all of them make out with fucking dudes before. So fuck those guys. I'm not gay in any way. None of those bastards have even fuckin lost their virginity other than one that got a girl pregnant. And he has no room to brag about what he has done. So he should keep his mouth shut too. If in fact he ever really says anything. Which he dosn't to me. But I know he does to the rest of those bitches.
I can care less if any of them talk shit about me. They always have and they always will. Some people say. Then they aren't real friends. They are. They are just getting out of fucking hand and they aren't going to know me much longer anyway.
As for my girlfriend owning me, and beating me up. Fuck that. She slapped me two times. Once because she THOUGHT she saw me make out with a girl. A lesbian. Which I was confirmed by like 3 people that it was me TALKING to her. One of those 3 one of my best friends. Yes the fucks. Which definately wouldn't make that up. Because it would be funnier to them to say I did. If they decided to lie about anything. And the reason my nose bled. ARE YOU PEOPLE STUPID!? I have a labret rod in my nose. With a big disk on the back of it. OF COURSE THE INSIDE OF MY NOSE WILL BE CUT! Then she slapped me again because I have no idea. She thought she had the right again. And also once she pulled my down to the ground by my hair. Which fucking hurt. But I let her do it for a bit anyways. And didn't even TOUCH her. Which she knows. And dosn't deny. And then she likes to pull on me alot, when she isn't getting her way. And has kicked at me before. She calls it pushing at me with her feet. But when that shit scrapes across your body cuz it was thrusted at you, and they have RUBBER on the bottoms of their shoes. It hurts the bare skin. Beleive me. Then once she had me stop the car when we were fighting and she got out and smacked me on the head. That one was kinda funny. BUT! I let her do these things okay? Because shes angry. I tell her it's not okay to do it and we are working on that. People do way worse. And sometimes guys are the hitting ones. BUT in no way does that constitute the ability to say she beats me up you dumb assholes. There is no way that girl could put me down. I love her to death. And if she really tried. I'd just hold her down and call the cops on her. End of story. And that wouldn't be hard at all. Although she thinks it would. Because she can "inflict damage". I'm taller. Faster. Heavier. And much lankier. Believe me. I can take care of myself.
About me being a little bitch that lets her do that for no reason. No. She has pretty good reason. Although it should never EVER happen. She has reason to be angry enough to do it. I try to tell her stupid things like I don't wanna be with her. I yell at her for things she does. Which really are bad things. And yes when you don't accept it from someone. But you think you can do it yourself. That constitutes a bad thing. Believe me. Either way. She has reason. I'm not just getting her mad and yelling for no reason. I indirectly destroy her heart sometimes to where she can't take it anymore. And you know what. Sometimes I have no choice but to be that way. People need to understand that any action WILL cause a reaction. Making me feel like shit will cause me to make you feel like shit if I can. And no I'm not saying I just fight to make people feel like shit. Thats just what happens in the process.
Anyways. All that ranting about my fucked up dreams, feelings, and friends is a bit overdone. Although I know my friends are assholes. I'm hoping they don't really think those ways. They like to think they really do. But I'm possitive they do it to get a reaction out of me and they know they finally found something that really bothers me. The girl I love and the way I am around her. They just need to realize if they are just having fun out of reactions. They better stop soon.
And you know what. I've had the same fuckin friends for over six years before I moved to Chehalis. And not just normal friends. I lived with two of them. And we were the best of friends possible. We still are. We would still give up the last of our money if we didn't really need it badly so that the other could use it for something they wanted. We would lie for eachother. Steal for eachother. Yet they insist on putting me down more than anyone else has in the past. They have always said things to me. But never this bad. And not enough for me to care.
For one. I don't give a FUCK what you guys say. My own FUCKING girlfriend too. Fuck you guys. I am not a fucking pussy got it? If you wanna pick a fucking fight with me you will god damn fucking regret it, I don't care who you are. And I don't care if I go down. You will be in alot of fucking pain. And for my own girlfriend to say, if we really fought, and both got into it, I would kick your ass. HAHA. She can't even budge me when I'm really standing there when her abusive ass starts pushing and pulling me anyways. Yeah. Your abusive. And I take it. That dosn't make me a pussy got it? It makes me a real fucking MAN ok? Would you rather me fucking deck you in the face? No. I would never fucking do that. So no more thinking your fucking tuffer than me. Or your not gonna be with me. My friends. Fuck them. They will always think they are better. I don't care. Good way to lose a good fucking friend.
Next, I am not a fucking faggot. Got it? I wear eyeliner and in my opinion I don't look at all fucking homosexual with it. I wear girl pants sometimes. Yeah. Maybe they can call me a fag for that. But in my opinion. Would it be better if I wore some scrubby ass fuckin shitty cloths like all my friends where I lived do? No. Ok. So I like to take care of my hair. And sometimes make it up a bit. That is in no way gay. And I don't think it looks gay at all. I could compare the way I look to a few people that they fucking idolize K? And showering with two guys. Don't care. Say there was something incredibly gay about that too. No, thats a drunk kid trying to show off and be an idiot. Not at all turned on. If I was fucking turned on I would be TURNED ON. YOU CAN FUCKING TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS TURNED ON YOU DUMB FUCKING IDIOTS. I have an over-active penis. Let me tell you this much. I get a hard on even when I definately WONT have sex. If that at all sparked something. I guarantee you fucks. I would have shown it. And some people would know. Believe me. Many saw. So shut the fuck up. I've seen all of them make out with fucking dudes before. So fuck those guys. I'm not gay in any way. None of those bastards have even fuckin lost their virginity other than one that got a girl pregnant. And he has no room to brag about what he has done. So he should keep his mouth shut too. If in fact he ever really says anything. Which he dosn't to me. But I know he does to the rest of those bitches.
I can care less if any of them talk shit about me. They always have and they always will. Some people say. Then they aren't real friends. They are. They are just getting out of fucking hand and they aren't going to know me much longer anyway.
As for my girlfriend owning me, and beating me up. Fuck that. She slapped me two times. Once because she THOUGHT she saw me make out with a girl. A lesbian. Which I was confirmed by like 3 people that it was me TALKING to her. One of those 3 one of my best friends. Yes the fucks. Which definately wouldn't make that up. Because it would be funnier to them to say I did. If they decided to lie about anything. And the reason my nose bled. ARE YOU PEOPLE STUPID!? I have a labret rod in my nose. With a big disk on the back of it. OF COURSE THE INSIDE OF MY NOSE WILL BE CUT! Then she slapped me again because I have no idea. She thought she had the right again. And also once she pulled my down to the ground by my hair. Which fucking hurt. But I let her do it for a bit anyways. And didn't even TOUCH her. Which she knows. And dosn't deny. And then she likes to pull on me alot, when she isn't getting her way. And has kicked at me before. She calls it pushing at me with her feet. But when that shit scrapes across your body cuz it was thrusted at you, and they have RUBBER on the bottoms of their shoes. It hurts the bare skin. Beleive me. Then once she had me stop the car when we were fighting and she got out and smacked me on the head. That one was kinda funny. BUT! I let her do these things okay? Because shes angry. I tell her it's not okay to do it and we are working on that. People do way worse. And sometimes guys are the hitting ones. BUT in no way does that constitute the ability to say she beats me up you dumb assholes. There is no way that girl could put me down. I love her to death. And if she really tried. I'd just hold her down and call the cops on her. End of story. And that wouldn't be hard at all. Although she thinks it would. Because she can "inflict damage". I'm taller. Faster. Heavier. And much lankier. Believe me. I can take care of myself.
About me being a little bitch that lets her do that for no reason. No. She has pretty good reason. Although it should never EVER happen. She has reason to be angry enough to do it. I try to tell her stupid things like I don't wanna be with her. I yell at her for things she does. Which really are bad things. And yes when you don't accept it from someone. But you think you can do it yourself. That constitutes a bad thing. Believe me. Either way. She has reason. I'm not just getting her mad and yelling for no reason. I indirectly destroy her heart sometimes to where she can't take it anymore. And you know what. Sometimes I have no choice but to be that way. People need to understand that any action WILL cause a reaction. Making me feel like shit will cause me to make you feel like shit if I can. And no I'm not saying I just fight to make people feel like shit. Thats just what happens in the process.
Anyways. All that ranting about my fucked up dreams, feelings, and friends is a bit overdone. Although I know my friends are assholes. I'm hoping they don't really think those ways. They like to think they really do. But I'm possitive they do it to get a reaction out of me and they know they finally found something that really bothers me. The girl I love and the way I am around her. They just need to realize if they are just having fun out of reactions. They better stop soon.