(no subject)
i remember sitting there running my hands over the grooves in the straw chair, cigarette smoke and summer spinning around my head in the fans slowly meandering above us. coffee was sweet and creamy and the only reason i was fully awake. i remember how we all just kind of appeared on jesse's patio and sat there like the richest dads ever. rich, motherfucking rich kings of moments and stories and quotes that give a summer not just a spirit but a body and the ability to live on long past its days.
i just want my guys to come back to, i want you to be there on that porch on some day in the summer of 2007 forever. when my world is dying, that is where i will go to find my place to crash it. its all just too serious and whatever, i mean i care, i do, a lot. but i'm tried of acting the way i am acting; i'm sick of this messy room with too many things to look at! can't we all just understand and know and not need to read aloud the footnotes we're all reading to ourselves? thats the way it is and its just understood, no questions asked.
also i feel like i'm going nowhere, i'm so scared i'll get stuck here longer than i want to be. i am afraid to fail now, when it counts, of all times when it counts. if only i was even sure where to go next. make the right choice and make sure you commit yourself to it when you pick a college, make sure its where you want to have the next 4 years of your life because you don't want to get into a lame situation when you change your mind.