Brain ramblings.
There's nothing happening so I'm doing some self-analysis. And I've only just realised this but - although I am such a busy person - I've been unconsciously avoiding things that require me to think. I do my cleaning jobs and hang with the doggies and do ballet classes. I spend my spare time cleaning at home, doing laundry, baking, wandering around the park, the shops and the market, tending to my garden... in a sort of bubble, I suppose. The only thing I worry about is what's next on the to-do list. I can't worry about anything else. Like, I physically can't bring myself to give a damn about anything, which is something I've often felt before, but there's usually an element of guilt with it. I can't sit and read anything without getting bored and impatient and I'll sit down somewhere just to get up again and feed the fish, dust something, go all the way upstairs just to put one t-shirt away, go back to the computer and commence pointlessly flicking between tabs, not doing anything meaningful there either... not even getting involved in 'worthwhile' time-sucks like reading stories and writing my diary; it's just Facebook and checking my email and bank account. Last weekend I bought a newspaper and only read to about page three. I read a few sentences while the kettle's boiling, don't take it in, then head upstairs and back to the computer... nothing going on, wander around again... like there's nowhere I can settle.
I'm not using my brain for anything. I have little interest in talking about anything. I have vague ideas for writing words and music and never actually try and do it. Tonight I told Facebook I was bored, did a quiz, then curled my hair and cut my fringe, even though I'm not going out anywhere. It's a waste of my precious time and I'm like this every day. It's like my brain has a choice between either tearing itself to pieces panicking, doubting, questioning everything... or this. I'd love to get more active, less apathetic, more passionate about stuff; get excited and actually GO OUT when I'm invited out, maybe try and record some music, write a story, actually start some of the exercise regimes I keep planning and never do... but I really think if I had the inclination to do all that, I'd have to invite the bad stuff back.
I just seem to drift! Which isn't such a bad thing. I'm happy like this. I'm getting some money in, finally, and the band's going well. I suppose it's just the pills. I'm on pizotifen now as well as sertraline, and it's quite sedating. I seem to need naps these days. On Fridays I finish early. I planned to get Logic and my microphone up and working to maybe record some song ideas for the wedding... I got home and slept from 3-7pm. I'm finding it hard to wake up in the mornings too, although it's not difficult to actually get out of bed. The migraines are mostly gone too, apart from occasional episodes of feeling super weird.
So, even though I'm not getting anything done creatively, I'm really happy and I'm a better person like this. Life is goddamn fantastic right now, but I neeeeeed to doooooo something with it. My house is clean enough!
I'm not using my brain for anything. I have little interest in talking about anything. I have vague ideas for writing words and music and never actually try and do it. Tonight I told Facebook I was bored, did a quiz, then curled my hair and cut my fringe, even though I'm not going out anywhere. It's a waste of my precious time and I'm like this every day. It's like my brain has a choice between either tearing itself to pieces panicking, doubting, questioning everything... or this. I'd love to get more active, less apathetic, more passionate about stuff; get excited and actually GO OUT when I'm invited out, maybe try and record some music, write a story, actually start some of the exercise regimes I keep planning and never do... but I really think if I had the inclination to do all that, I'd have to invite the bad stuff back.
I just seem to drift! Which isn't such a bad thing. I'm happy like this. I'm getting some money in, finally, and the band's going well. I suppose it's just the pills. I'm on pizotifen now as well as sertraline, and it's quite sedating. I seem to need naps these days. On Fridays I finish early. I planned to get Logic and my microphone up and working to maybe record some song ideas for the wedding... I got home and slept from 3-7pm. I'm finding it hard to wake up in the mornings too, although it's not difficult to actually get out of bed. The migraines are mostly gone too, apart from occasional episodes of feeling super weird.
So, even though I'm not getting anything done creatively, I'm really happy and I'm a better person like this. Life is goddamn fantastic right now, but I neeeeeed to doooooo something with it. My house is clean enough!