将来の夢って何ですか？
What is my dream for the future?
It would be purely idiotic of me to ask myself this, now that I am only a month and three days away from getting a Bachelor’s degree. It is even more preposterous of me to say that I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Was I correct in picking up a Chemistry major? Will it make me happy? That, I still do not know. Don’t get me wrong, I had lots of fun. But is it right for me? Is it the place I would want to be in for the rest of my life? These are just a few of the questions that have been running through my head since my last semester at Loyola started.
It’s highly frustrating to be at that point in life where it’s either you make it or you break it, especially when you don’t know the answers to the questions you’ve been asking yourself for a while. I wish I had answers, really. I am absolutely happy for my friends who know and have a concrete plan for their lives - be it grad school or law school or an actual job. But at the same time, I’m really jealous - they know what they want and how they want to get there. I wish I was set on what I want to do for the rest of my life and be happy with it. For the meantime, however, it’ll be job hunting so I can feed myself, put a roof over my head, and send my younger brother to Ateneo. The only thing driving me right now is the pressure to accomplish these three things.
It also frustrates me that my intellectual prowess is constantly waning. I guess the only person to blame would be myself - I’ve done nothing but sit on my ass all day and play Tetris/watch TV on my computer aside from doing school work and studying. More recently, I’ve found it harder and harder to comprehend what is meant to be simple, like Electromagnetism or even certain concepts in the Tale of Genji. In short, I’ve become more stupid. It doesn’t help that senioritis is fueling my lethargy. What I’m trying to say is, I’ve lost hope in my brain, which brings me back to the question: Do I have what it takes to have a career in Chemistry/Forensics for the rest of my life? It is a world/career that only the most intelligent thrive in; otherwise, you’re dead meat. And, because of this decrepit brain of mine, I have done stupid things that I never thought I would have ever done, too. But, that’s a completely different story altogether.
I have a long list of frustrations but I won’t continue writing them down. I mean, who gives a fuck about half these things that I’m saying? Also, if i continue, I would be taking up time that could otherwise be taken up by writing my Final Paper for the Chemistry department, or that Extra Credit assignment I had to turn in a couple days back. In any case, these were just musings I felt like writing about.
Off-topic: I officially live in a pigsty, because my suite mates are herding people in our common area who don’t clean up their garbage and are leaving all sorts of disgusting things in our bathroom. My room mate does nothing but sleep at irregular hours and talk to her boyfriend on Skype. All. The. Fucking. Time. I guess these count as frustrations, only of a different kind. However, this reality that I live in may drive me mad.
Because my Circadian rhythm has decided that it is time for bed, I shall end it here. Thank you for reading this very tl;dr post.
I wish for you to have a bright future ahead, and a pleasant day.