Dear Nana
Dear Nana,
I used to write you all the time. You were the best penpal ever. Thinking back on it now, I think you must have been pushing me to write. I knew not all the grandkids wrote you. I always had that with you, it was our special bond, and I think you did it because you knew writing was the best way I had to express myself.
I will always regret that in those last few years, I didn't write to you as much.
So I'm writing this to you now. Thank you. I love you. I love that you always took pictures of the deer around your house, to send to me later because you knew how much I loved them. I love you for letting me berry pick with you and help you make pies. I love your smile and your laugh, and I can still hear your voice in my ear sometimes - I don't think I will ever forget the sound of your voice. I have this picture of us that I keep by my bed, I think I must be about one in the picture. I'm wearing a frilly dress and you're kissing my cheek. Not just a peck though...it looks like you were laughing while you did it. There is so much love in that photo.
A lot has been going on with me that I wish you knew about. I have another niece! Her name is Skylar and she is the sweetest baby I've ever met. You would have loved her. I think you can see her from wherever you are. It hit me awhile ago that my mom will be to Heather and Skylar what you were to us. My mom is a grandmother now.
I was alone the day that I got the phone call from my mom. I called Della at work, and I could barely talk because my voice was shaking so bad. I didn't cry though. I didn't cry until later, when I got the call that you had died. Should I say 'died'? I hate saying 'passed away' so much. Is it supposed to soften the blow? It doesn't. I don't think anything really can.
I went to work the next day and worked my shift. I have no idea how I made it through. I broke when I told my manager that I couldn't make some of my shifts the following week because of the funeral. Sobbed right there in the stockroom. It was my first week at a new location - I had just met him, but he hugged me. I will always remember that kindness.
I guess it goes without saying that I was not happy at the funeral. I felt distanced from you. You were loved by so many, but I feel like they didn't capture your true spirit - like it was a funeral for someone else. I had no idea how important it is to be in a couple when you're at a funeral. Della couldn't make it and everybody else was paired up, and we were following the casket down the aisle and I was by myself, and then Morgan swooped in and took my arm and I have never loved my brother more than in that moment. I hated that there was an open casket at the viewing. I know that they did an amazing job of hiding any burn marks, but I couldn't bring myself to touch you. It wasn't you anymore at that point. Your tombstone is gorgeous though. It has your lake on it, and I know you'd love that.
Grandpa has written a couple times, but I can never seem to bring myself to send any more than a card. The first letter I got from him, I cried before opening. He was taking over for you, sending cards on our birthdays and at Christmas, and I saw his shaky handwriting and just missed you so much I couldn't stand it.
Sometimes I feel lost, but overall I think I'm doing well and that you would be proud of the person I'm becoming. I have no idea how you feel about body art but considering that you didn't care one bit that I was dating a black guy, I don't think you'd mind all the tattoos me and the cousins have been getting. I got one for you. For me and you, actually. It's a teacup, which is so you and me, and it has a little bird on the rim, and it's surrounded by flowers.. I didn't really tell anyone that it was for you though. To me, it doesn't need to be explained. I was packing away the china teacup that you gave me - the British Columbia one. I chose it because it had the prettiest flowers on it, to me. And I still have the black elephant teapot. I think of you every time I look at it.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I recently decided to get back into knitting, sewing, and crafts which I know are all things you loved. I wish I had spent more time with you doing them. They gave me all your cake pans though. I'm not going to lie...I haven't baked with them,yet. I haven't been able to bring myself to. I feel like I should find one of your favourite recipes before I do. Next time I'm up north at the lake, I'll look through your old recipes and find the perfect one. Who would have thought that cake pans could be so intimidating?
I've been a bridesmaid on three occasions, have had opportunities to wear pretty dresses and have my hair done in fancy updos. To slow dance with someone I love and feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. I've had struggles and heartbreaks but I've always pulled through. I want to get married eventually, or just...be the most important person to someone. I want to experience childbirth and being a mother someday, if I can. Learn how to drive, travel someplace breathtaking, do something exhilarating, or something crazy and stupid.
I want to do so many things, and I wish you were here to witness them, I wish I could talk to you one last time. I miss you so much, and I will always love you.
Love always and forever,
Tamarah
I used to write you all the time. You were the best penpal ever. Thinking back on it now, I think you must have been pushing me to write. I knew not all the grandkids wrote you. I always had that with you, it was our special bond, and I think you did it because you knew writing was the best way I had to express myself.
I will always regret that in those last few years, I didn't write to you as much.
So I'm writing this to you now. Thank you. I love you. I love that you always took pictures of the deer around your house, to send to me later because you knew how much I loved them. I love you for letting me berry pick with you and help you make pies. I love your smile and your laugh, and I can still hear your voice in my ear sometimes - I don't think I will ever forget the sound of your voice. I have this picture of us that I keep by my bed, I think I must be about one in the picture. I'm wearing a frilly dress and you're kissing my cheek. Not just a peck though...it looks like you were laughing while you did it. There is so much love in that photo.
A lot has been going on with me that I wish you knew about. I have another niece! Her name is Skylar and she is the sweetest baby I've ever met. You would have loved her. I think you can see her from wherever you are. It hit me awhile ago that my mom will be to Heather and Skylar what you were to us. My mom is a grandmother now.
I was alone the day that I got the phone call from my mom. I called Della at work, and I could barely talk because my voice was shaking so bad. I didn't cry though. I didn't cry until later, when I got the call that you had died. Should I say 'died'? I hate saying 'passed away' so much. Is it supposed to soften the blow? It doesn't. I don't think anything really can.
I went to work the next day and worked my shift. I have no idea how I made it through. I broke when I told my manager that I couldn't make some of my shifts the following week because of the funeral. Sobbed right there in the stockroom. It was my first week at a new location - I had just met him, but he hugged me. I will always remember that kindness.
I guess it goes without saying that I was not happy at the funeral. I felt distanced from you. You were loved by so many, but I feel like they didn't capture your true spirit - like it was a funeral for someone else. I had no idea how important it is to be in a couple when you're at a funeral. Della couldn't make it and everybody else was paired up, and we were following the casket down the aisle and I was by myself, and then Morgan swooped in and took my arm and I have never loved my brother more than in that moment. I hated that there was an open casket at the viewing. I know that they did an amazing job of hiding any burn marks, but I couldn't bring myself to touch you. It wasn't you anymore at that point. Your tombstone is gorgeous though. It has your lake on it, and I know you'd love that.
Grandpa has written a couple times, but I can never seem to bring myself to send any more than a card. The first letter I got from him, I cried before opening. He was taking over for you, sending cards on our birthdays and at Christmas, and I saw his shaky handwriting and just missed you so much I couldn't stand it.
Sometimes I feel lost, but overall I think I'm doing well and that you would be proud of the person I'm becoming. I have no idea how you feel about body art but considering that you didn't care one bit that I was dating a black guy, I don't think you'd mind all the tattoos me and the cousins have been getting. I got one for you. For me and you, actually. It's a teacup, which is so you and me, and it has a little bird on the rim, and it's surrounded by flowers.. I didn't really tell anyone that it was for you though. To me, it doesn't need to be explained. I was packing away the china teacup that you gave me - the British Columbia one. I chose it because it had the prettiest flowers on it, to me. And I still have the black elephant teapot. I think of you every time I look at it.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I recently decided to get back into knitting, sewing, and crafts which I know are all things you loved. I wish I had spent more time with you doing them. They gave me all your cake pans though. I'm not going to lie...I haven't baked with them,yet. I haven't been able to bring myself to. I feel like I should find one of your favourite recipes before I do. Next time I'm up north at the lake, I'll look through your old recipes and find the perfect one. Who would have thought that cake pans could be so intimidating?
I've been a bridesmaid on three occasions, have had opportunities to wear pretty dresses and have my hair done in fancy updos. To slow dance with someone I love and feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. I've had struggles and heartbreaks but I've always pulled through. I want to get married eventually, or just...be the most important person to someone. I want to experience childbirth and being a mother someday, if I can. Learn how to drive, travel someplace breathtaking, do something exhilarating, or something crazy and stupid.
I want to do so many things, and I wish you were here to witness them, I wish I could talk to you one last time. I miss you so much, and I will always love you.
Love always and forever,
Tamarah