Until the Start (We've Stopped Running)
Until the Start (We've Stopped Running)
Pairings: Baekyeol
Genre: Angst
Rating: G
Length: 4.1k
Summary: Long distance is hard and Baekhyun can't seem to make it work.
Author's Note: precursor for when I write something that's actually cohesive
"You came," Chanyeol breathes out as he rushes towards Baekhyun, nearly bowling over unsuspecting bystanders as he haphazardly shoves his way through the crowd of people. He practically trips in his long black gown as he comes over. Baekhyun can't help but think that he hasn't changed since before: his gait is as clumsy as ever and his face holds the same kind of spark as before. Baekhyun’s glad to see it’s come back.
Chanyeol repeats his words as soon as he approaches a reasonable proximity and it’s hard to tell whether it’s a question or an assertion of the truth. Either way Baekhyun nods.
"Here I am." He shrugs, as if it's no big deal. And it's not. It feels natural, to show up out of the blue after all these years. It's who he grew up with, who he confided in, who he learned to open up to. It’s Chanyeol. It felt right to come; he hopes the feeling goes both ways.
"I didn't think you would." Chanyeol's admits and he seems to have a hard time looking Baekhyun in the eyes. "You know, because of the.."
"Don't worry about it," Baekhyun interrupts with a reassuring smile, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."
❚❚
He tries to get on with his life but news travels fast. People question it; they question him. They ask him dumb questions. If he's really okay, if they can help in any way. They tell him that it’s natural to be sad, to show hurt. Vulnerability. That he's entitled to that emotion.
But it’s hard to define it. It's hard to classify it as something even elegiac, poignant, because it doesn't feel like sadness. It doesn’t feel like heartache.
It's more sentimentality. It’s a constant replay of their happiest moments. Of the first meeting of their eyes, across the classroom, amongst a sea of others. Of the first kiss, a firm, quick goodbye before he had to leave for the night. Of the first dance, hands wrapped around necks and waists as they tried to figure out all the right steps. Of the first night, wrapped in each other's arms, holding each other as close as humanly possible, just pretending as if they were all that was left in the world.
It’s a remembrance of all they were and all they had become.
It hardly feels like loss and it certainly doesn't feel like the end.
He doesn't regret it. Any of it. He doesn't think there's anything to regret.
◄◄
There's a message from Chanyeol. There's actually 34 text messages and 15 voicemails. He listens to the first couple but they all blur together after a while. They all say the same thing. The same words, just scrambled in different ways, aiming for a different result.
It's not desperation. It's not heartbreak. It’s not like before.
Perched at the edge of the bed, seated in the middle of the motel room that reeks of the heavy stench of smoke and the acrid smell of piss, Baekhyun leans back. He stares at the dingy, white ceiling, the barely visible cobwebs hanging in the corner. The light is flickering on and off; he has a headache.
He turns off his phone.
◄◄
It takes some thought, some reconsidering, and even more tears, but he finally gathers up the courage to go to Chanyeol first. He accumulates the funds to see him and books the ticket in the dead of the night. On impulse, because he knows sobriety will never take him down the same path. There’s no turning back. He takes the first red-eye flight over.
He doesn't need directions; he still has the memory of the one time he had come here before. Chanyeol had bought him the ticket, sent it over that one day as some sort of monthly anniversary surprise.
(Baekhyun had never really been good at keeping up with those dates.)
Chanyeol had been anxiously waiting at the arrival area, holding up a sign with his name neatly written in black marker like Baekhyun was actually someone of importance. Chanyeol had snatched him up in a hug, refusing to let go even when they finally made it out of the airport. He let Baekhyun lead as he’d whisper directions in Baekhyun’s ear, mouth pressed unnecessarily close against the cartilage. Just past seventh street, left at the bakery.
It’s like retracing steps. It’s like deja vu. It’s like going back in time -- but there’s something eating at him. Something bringing him back to reality. Everything’s different now.
Gone is the giddiness.
Replacing it comes tranquility, the feeling of resolution. A finale.
"I thought you loved me." Is Chanyeol's only argument when Baekhyun finds him. When he manages to finally let go of the breath he’s been holding in for so, so long and tell him. Chanyeol seems confused, surprised. Like he’s not sure if this is all just one big joke. "A promise to be together goes both ways; we were in this together."
He supposes it’s meant to be something of an incrimination, an attack, but there’s nothing. He doesn’t feel anything.
"And you're right," Baekhyun admits. He stares Chanyeol straight in the eyes, unwavering. Resolute. "I loved you. I did love you. I do love you."
And there’s a change in Chanyeol’s gaze. A flicker of anger, but it’s quickly replaced with something Baekhyun can’t read. It’s weird to think that there’s now an expression that he can’t read. “And so why are you doing this to me? To us? Why are you ending it? Why now?”
"Because,” Baekhyun starts and he’s not ready to argue. He’s not ready to have to justify all of words and all of his actions. “I think that people change in so many different ways and there was nothing we could do but hope that we can somehow grow together. In the exact same way, at the exact same rate. I think that we both knew it was implausible. The chances slim to none--"
Chanyeol interjects, “But we were an impossibility. We were an exception.”
“We were supposed to be,” Baekhyun pauses, collects his thoughts. He's thinking of the best way to phrase the words that have been floating around in his mind for the longest time. The best way to bring to life the things he never thought he’d say -- the things he never wanted to say.
He takes a breath, continues on. “But I think at a certain point, we stopped seeing eye to eye and I think at a certain point, it all degraded. It became superficial. Together because of compulsion, because of liability. I think at a certain point, we both knew that our promise had become just another exchange of words. I think at a certain point, we forgot what those words even meant.”
It feels like freedom. To say this. It feels like liberation.
For once Chanyeol is speechless, he stares back at Baekhyun with a look of hurt and something of betrayal. Baekhyun doesn't blame him. He’s the one giving up, he’s the one who’s going to stop trying. But at a certain point, there’s no reason to keep indulging in the fantasy, to keep entertaining the impossible.
He doesn't know how to make Chanyeol understand. He doesn't know if it’s worth the effort to make him understand. He takes another deep breath and breaches the space between them that has made itself uncomfortably apparent. He reaches out to touch Chanyeol’s lips and he watches as Chanyeol’s eyes follow the movement with wary, with caution. Baekhyun musters a smile. He moves his hand to Chanyeol’s cheek.
“It's not your fault,” He says softly, “And I'm sure you want to blame me, but it's not mine either. Things fall apart and sometimes it’s not worth it to try to patch together all the little pieces.”
He sees his vision blur with unwelcome tears and he leaves the dorm room before Chanyeol can see him cry.
◄◄
It takes a while. A concerning amount of time, really, and Baekhyun has just about cried out every last one of his tears when he finally calls.
Chanyeol actually initiates the call.
He's apologetic for being busy, for not putting enough into their relationship, for anything and everything that he’s done wrong in the past couple of weeks. Months. The call is short, courteous and there's something about it that leaves Baekhyun feeling something.
He's not angry. He's not hurt.
He can't place the emotion that's bubbling in the pit of his stomach.
◄◄
Chanyeol’s not replying back anymore. He’s hasn’t in a couple of days, bordering a week, and Baekhyun’s sure he’s busy. He’s sure there’s something going on and he’s sure that it isn’t meant to be hurtful -- nothing malicious that is intentionally directed at Baekhyun, at least -- but something clicks.
Something clicks when he scrolls through his screen of unanswered texts and so he stops too.
He doesn’t text Chanyeol his usual “good morning” the next day.
◄◄
"You know I don't want this to be an obligation." He says one day when he finally manages to catch Chanyeol on the phone. It’s been awhile since he’s heard Chanyeol’s voice -- even their texts have dwindled in number -- but he doesn’t fret it. There's the sound of flipping pages and pencil scratches and Baekhyun thinks that he must be trying to multitask once again. He's not successful if the abrupt drop of the pencil is of any indication. There’s a subsequent thud -- Chanyeol closing the book -- and then a couple of hurried steps and a softer sound of impact -- Chanyeol relocating to the comfort of his bed.
"What?" Chanyeol finally responds and there's so much confusion laced into his voice. "You don't want to be what?"
"Nothing." Baekhyun says, quickly changing the subject, "Were you studying? Should I hang up?”
“No,” Chanyeol answers and there’s the sounds of sheets rustling. “I was due for a break. It’s been some time, huh?”
Baekhyun’s hesitant at first, but he speaks after a minute or so. “Yeah. So how was your day?"
He curls into himself as he listens to Chanyeol talk.
◄◄
They arrange a video call; it's the first one in a while. Baekhyun can't help the feelings of excitement, this unstoppable exhilaration that he hasn't felt since maybe when they first started dating. He’s eager to finally see Chanyeol’s face.
It's been a while.
It’s was planned for 2 a.m his time. 11 p.m Chanyeol’s time. There’s no call at first, no response either, but Baekhyun doesn't mind. There's usually a thirty minute grace period; he knows things happen and the time zones don't make it any easier.
It’s quickly approaching 2:30 a.m when Baekhyun finally decides that maybe he should try to contact Chanyeol through other means.
His texts go unanswered though, his calls, straight to voicemail. He doesn't leave a message. That seems much too desperate, needy.
But he can't help but fixate on it. There's scenarios playing out in his head, stupid ones. Ones that he knows Chanyeol would never do, ones that he knows Chanyeol is smart enough not to get into and he tries to clear it out. To not think about it, but his mind is a loose cannon and it's only spiraling more and more out of control as the time ticks by.
3:30 a.m is fast approaching and at this point, Baekhyun can barely keep his eyes open. When he feels himself slowly drifting off, he makes sure to raise his phone volume to max. He falls asleep with his phone right next to his ear for when Chanyeol calls.
He never does.
Chanyeol eventually calls the next day to say sorry. He seems distracted as he does it, but Baekhyun doesn't really mind. He’s just happy to hear his voice after all this time.
◄◄
He can't get ahold of Chanyeol. It's their two year anniversary, but he doesn't hold it against him. He's sure that Chanyeol's got something going on. Some kind of test or maybe something of equal importance.
(Baekhyun doesn't want to think about it. What he's missing, what Chanyeol’s actually doing. He doesn't want to think about it.)
He sends Chanyeol a necklace that he knows Chanyeol's been eyeing along with a care package filled with his favorite snacks. He throws in a couple of books that Chanyeol’s been wanting to read along with some taffy from that corner candy shop they always used to visit.
He includes a small note wishing Chanyeol the best of luck.
◄◄
Chanyeol comes back again for winter, though he's less talkative this time. Baekhyun comments on how he's thinned out, how he can see the hollows of his cheeks, but Chanyeol brushes it off. Chalks it off to stress and finals. He still smiles although Baekhyun sees the bits of strain in it. There's a dullness in his eyes.
Baekhyun doesn’t actually get to be with him for Christmas since Chanyeol’s family takes priority, but he gets him all to himself for New Years Eve. He takes him to the ocean and they set up camp right on the beach.
They had done something like this before; they had come to see the sunrise before. The scent of the sea is all the same. The sand that seems to stick to every possible crevice on their body is the same. The wind slapping Baekhyun’s cheeks raw with windburn is the same.
But it’s all kind of different now.
It's a little awkward now. Trying to piece together conversation after being apart for so long. There's experiences they don't share. There’s jokes they don’t know. There's a space that he can't cross and for once he's starting to feel the gap.
◄◄
The next year is weird. Chanyeol’s back from his summer internship in another city and he has stories. Many of them about the friends he had made and the place he had worked at and the things he had explored. There’s so much Chanyeol had gone out and done.
But Baekhyun has to coax them out of him. He had to offer the leading questions, prompt the conversation, or else Chanyeol lapses into quiet. Chanyeol says he’s just tired. He blames it on adjusting back to his timezone.
There’s a letter later in the month. It’s a bit late, considering Baekhyun had sent one quite a while ago and it’s about a page of scrawled writing. It’s about almost nothing of importance. Baekhyun adds it into the box of others anyway.
◄◄
Chanyeol’s a little busy with all his finals but he’s adamant on continuing to video chat. Baekhyun can tell he’s tired, can see that the shadows below his eyes are only growing darker, and he always makes an excuse to keep Chanyeol from staying up too late for talking for too long.
Their conversations steadily grow shorter as Chanyeol has to dedicate more time to studying and Baekhyun refuses to let him skimp on sleep.
It's okay. He doesn't want to be a burden.
◄◄
Chanyeol can’t make it back for Christmas but he’s there during the spring. Baekhyun meets him at the airport, runs at him with a big hug whenever he first steps through the airport gates. It’s all one big scene as they kiss for the first time in what feels like years and they’re attracting unwarranted attention from all of those around them. Baekhyun doesn’t really care, though. He’s happy.
The first thing they do is drive to the ice cream shop they used to frequent back in high school and just talk. Chanyeol talks about how there's a ice creamery just like this only a couple blocks away from campus. Maybe even better. Baekhyun tells him he must be lying and they compromise with Chanyeol promising to take him if he ever comes and visits. Baekhyun subsequently promises to come visit.
He never really realized it before. How much he’s missed Chanyeol. How much he’s missed their banter, their interactions. How much he’s missed just the way his voice resonates in open air rather than over the staticky connection of their calls.
Chanyeol’s only there for the week but he stays with Baekhyun and they sleep together on his tiny little twin bed just like they always used to.
◄◄
There's a call around 3 a.m and he can barely open his eyes when he answers it. He doesn’t even have time to ask who it is when there’s a voice, breathless and deep.
“I miss you.”
It’s Chanyeol.
“I miss you.” Chanyeol repeats again; he sounds more desperate, more rushed. Baekhyun wonders if he’s drunk. “I miss you and your presence and I just really want to hug you and feel your warmth up against me. I miss you. I want you here. Right here in this tiny bed in this empty dorm room. I really want to see you.”
And it doesn't take much really but Baekhyun’s crying all over again. He’s clamping his teeth around his hand and trying his best not to whimper because he thought he was over this. He thought he was done being pathetic but it feels like he’s being kicked down all over again.
“I wish I was there,” Chanyeol starts again. He’s speaking a bit more slowly now. “I wish I was there to kiss away your tears and just have you next to me. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you close like I used to.”
“I love you,” Baekhyun manages to say although it’s barely over a whisper. “I love you.”
◄◄
There's a package as the semester draws to an end. There’s no return address but Baekhyun has a good idea of who it is based on the rushed drawing of a dog that’s been placed beside his name. Baekhyun can't stop smiling as he rips open the package.
There’s a couple of things. There's a letter at the very top with a sticky note affixed to the envelope. It states, “Warning: Cheesy Contents Inside”. Baekhyun’s grin grows wider.
There’s some candies. The ones that Baekhyun’s never gotten the chance to try but Chanyeol swears are the best things in the world. There’s the university hoodie that Baekhyun had jokingly asked for. There's a stuffed teddy bear that has a message tied in the red satin ribbon around its neck.
There's also a pile of Polaroids at the bottom of the box and there are pictures of Chanyeol’s dorm. Of his campus, of his friends, his professors, his fellow researchers. A couple of himself too, smiling brighter than ever.
He hangs them up around his room. If he tries hard enough, he can imagine that he’s still right there by Chanyeol’s side.
◄◄
It gets better. It's becomes a little exhilarating even. To get to hear all about the crazy adventures Chanyeol is going on, the frat parties, the pranks, the kind of things you only hear about in movies. It's exciting, to think about all the things that the world has to offer, to imagine what it'd be like if he could've gone along.
He doesn't dwell on it because he can't change the past. Because he's happy for Chanyeol. He's happy that Chanyeol’s happy.
◄◄
Chanyeol’s gone and Baekhyun thought that’d he was prepared for this. That he wasn't going to cry, but that's the furthest thing from the truth.
He cries. A lot. When he hears certain songs, when he sees souvenirs from the dates they've gone on, when he passes a picture they took together. When he's gone too far into his own thoughts.
He thinks it’s a waste to cry about someone who is still his. For someone who has pledged to be his now and forever.
But it's different. It feels like his grasp on Chanyeol has weakened. It feels like he's just about to slip out of his hands.
◄◄
"You want to go for a walk?" Chanyeol asks quietly, softly rousing Baekhyun from where he had begun to drift off. "We have a little time left."
Baekhyun blinks blearily at the window, eyes the way the street light flickers through the pitch black. It's dark, it's late, it's humid. He says yes anyways.
The stars are out tonight, clearer than ever and Chanyeol talks about how he used to always stare at them when he was little. How he used to just stand back and imagine all of what there could be. Baekhyun just nods, admires the ways they sparkle and shine in silence.
“I’m really glad I met you,” Chanyeol says and it’s a bit of a non sequitur. “I’ve lived in so many places, met so many people, but I don’t think there’s ever been a better one for me than you.”
Baekhyun means to reply but his words come out in a mangled, indecipherable mess. He bites the inside of his cheek as he feels water filling his eyes.
Still looking at the night sky, Chanyeol muses, “I wish we had more time. I wish I could still take you on that kayaking trip I promised. To that art museum in the city we talked about visiting, to that restaurant we always wanted to try. I wish that I had the guts to ask you out earlier, I wish I didn't beat around the bush…”
He trails off but finishes with, “I wish I didn't have to go.”
Tears are starting to trickle down his face. Baekhyun hates himself.
It's stupid. It's stupid to cry because they've talked about this. They've promised themselves to each other.
But it undoubtedly feels like the end.
Chanyeol doesn't say anything at first and that makes it all the worse. His tears are streaming unattractively down his face now. He's sniffling and he can't help but wonder how pitiful he must look right now.
They walk a bit further, Baekhyun futilely trying to silence his cries. He’s in the middle of wiping a tear when Chanyeol stops and turns Baekhyun to face the lake. Chanyeol comes up behind him, encircles him in his arms, and kisses him chastely on the cheek. Baekhyun can feel the way Chanyeol’s lips curl up into a smile shortly after.
"You know if all of this goes well. Goes by plan. We'll be able to tell our kids about the time their father cried like a baby when I left for college." Chanyeol laughs and Baekhyun can feel his warm breath against his ear. He pulls Chanyeol's arm tighter, closer.
"And then I'll tell them how you didn't wipe my tears and how unchivalrous that is." Baekhyun says in a small voice. Chanyeol just nuzzles himself into the side of his face.
“I told you that I love this part of your face right?” Chanyeol asks, lifting his arm to swipe at the corner where Baekhyun’s nose meets his cheek. “Your tears collect here when you cry. It’s beautiful.”
Baekhyun doesn't say anything in reply, just lets himself press into Chanyeol’s warmth just a bit more.
"Does it bother you that I'm not crying?” Chanyeol asks softly.
"Not really," He shrugs and it's not a lie. Chanyeol’s never been the best at showing his emotions.
"You know, I heard that there's typically two ways to react to a breakup," Chanyeol starts when a moment of silence drags on a beat too long, "Some people cry at the beginning. They cry because they see what's ahead of them, what's to become. Others are sadder after the fact, when they can finally comprehend what it is they've lost. I think that's what's happening here. You're still right here. You’re still in my reach. I can't imagine what it'll be like without you."
"I think I’m really going to miss you," Chanyeol whispers as he presses his lips into Baekhyun's temples.
He wants to say something. He wants to parrot it back because he means it. Because Chanyeol deserves to hear it, and because he’s never been able to say it, because this may as well be the end. But he can't make himself say it.
It's because there's something in his throat, he's choked up. Because he's drowning in his own tears.
But there’s also something in the back of it all, in the back of his mind, screaming. There's an alarm blaring in his head and there's a scratching in his throat. It threatens to spill out but he keeps his mouth locked tight and he doesn't dare say a word. He nods. He smiles. He swallows back the bitter taste in his mouth.
■ ■ ■
Pairings: Baekyeol
Genre: Angst
Rating: G
Length: 4.1k
Summary: Long distance is hard and Baekhyun can't seem to make it work.
Author's Note: precursor for when I write something that's actually cohesive
"You came," Chanyeol breathes out as he rushes towards Baekhyun, nearly bowling over unsuspecting bystanders as he haphazardly shoves his way through the crowd of people. He practically trips in his long black gown as he comes over. Baekhyun can't help but think that he hasn't changed since before: his gait is as clumsy as ever and his face holds the same kind of spark as before. Baekhyun’s glad to see it’s come back.
Chanyeol repeats his words as soon as he approaches a reasonable proximity and it’s hard to tell whether it’s a question or an assertion of the truth. Either way Baekhyun nods.
"Here I am." He shrugs, as if it's no big deal. And it's not. It feels natural, to show up out of the blue after all these years. It's who he grew up with, who he confided in, who he learned to open up to. It’s Chanyeol. It felt right to come; he hopes the feeling goes both ways.
"I didn't think you would." Chanyeol's admits and he seems to have a hard time looking Baekhyun in the eyes. "You know, because of the.."
"Don't worry about it," Baekhyun interrupts with a reassuring smile, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."
❚❚
He tries to get on with his life but news travels fast. People question it; they question him. They ask him dumb questions. If he's really okay, if they can help in any way. They tell him that it’s natural to be sad, to show hurt. Vulnerability. That he's entitled to that emotion.
But it’s hard to define it. It's hard to classify it as something even elegiac, poignant, because it doesn't feel like sadness. It doesn’t feel like heartache.
It's more sentimentality. It’s a constant replay of their happiest moments. Of the first meeting of their eyes, across the classroom, amongst a sea of others. Of the first kiss, a firm, quick goodbye before he had to leave for the night. Of the first dance, hands wrapped around necks and waists as they tried to figure out all the right steps. Of the first night, wrapped in each other's arms, holding each other as close as humanly possible, just pretending as if they were all that was left in the world.
It’s a remembrance of all they were and all they had become.
It hardly feels like loss and it certainly doesn't feel like the end.
He doesn't regret it. Any of it. He doesn't think there's anything to regret.
◄◄
There's a message from Chanyeol. There's actually 34 text messages and 15 voicemails. He listens to the first couple but they all blur together after a while. They all say the same thing. The same words, just scrambled in different ways, aiming for a different result.
It's not desperation. It's not heartbreak. It’s not like before.
Perched at the edge of the bed, seated in the middle of the motel room that reeks of the heavy stench of smoke and the acrid smell of piss, Baekhyun leans back. He stares at the dingy, white ceiling, the barely visible cobwebs hanging in the corner. The light is flickering on and off; he has a headache.
He turns off his phone.
◄◄
It takes some thought, some reconsidering, and even more tears, but he finally gathers up the courage to go to Chanyeol first. He accumulates the funds to see him and books the ticket in the dead of the night. On impulse, because he knows sobriety will never take him down the same path. There’s no turning back. He takes the first red-eye flight over.
He doesn't need directions; he still has the memory of the one time he had come here before. Chanyeol had bought him the ticket, sent it over that one day as some sort of monthly anniversary surprise.
(Baekhyun had never really been good at keeping up with those dates.)
Chanyeol had been anxiously waiting at the arrival area, holding up a sign with his name neatly written in black marker like Baekhyun was actually someone of importance. Chanyeol had snatched him up in a hug, refusing to let go even when they finally made it out of the airport. He let Baekhyun lead as he’d whisper directions in Baekhyun’s ear, mouth pressed unnecessarily close against the cartilage. Just past seventh street, left at the bakery.
It’s like retracing steps. It’s like deja vu. It’s like going back in time -- but there’s something eating at him. Something bringing him back to reality. Everything’s different now.
Gone is the giddiness.
Replacing it comes tranquility, the feeling of resolution. A finale.
"I thought you loved me." Is Chanyeol's only argument when Baekhyun finds him. When he manages to finally let go of the breath he’s been holding in for so, so long and tell him. Chanyeol seems confused, surprised. Like he’s not sure if this is all just one big joke. "A promise to be together goes both ways; we were in this together."
He supposes it’s meant to be something of an incrimination, an attack, but there’s nothing. He doesn’t feel anything.
"And you're right," Baekhyun admits. He stares Chanyeol straight in the eyes, unwavering. Resolute. "I loved you. I did love you. I do love you."
And there’s a change in Chanyeol’s gaze. A flicker of anger, but it’s quickly replaced with something Baekhyun can’t read. It’s weird to think that there’s now an expression that he can’t read. “And so why are you doing this to me? To us? Why are you ending it? Why now?”
"Because,” Baekhyun starts and he’s not ready to argue. He’s not ready to have to justify all of words and all of his actions. “I think that people change in so many different ways and there was nothing we could do but hope that we can somehow grow together. In the exact same way, at the exact same rate. I think that we both knew it was implausible. The chances slim to none--"
Chanyeol interjects, “But we were an impossibility. We were an exception.”
“We were supposed to be,” Baekhyun pauses, collects his thoughts. He's thinking of the best way to phrase the words that have been floating around in his mind for the longest time. The best way to bring to life the things he never thought he’d say -- the things he never wanted to say.
He takes a breath, continues on. “But I think at a certain point, we stopped seeing eye to eye and I think at a certain point, it all degraded. It became superficial. Together because of compulsion, because of liability. I think at a certain point, we both knew that our promise had become just another exchange of words. I think at a certain point, we forgot what those words even meant.”
It feels like freedom. To say this. It feels like liberation.
For once Chanyeol is speechless, he stares back at Baekhyun with a look of hurt and something of betrayal. Baekhyun doesn't blame him. He’s the one giving up, he’s the one who’s going to stop trying. But at a certain point, there’s no reason to keep indulging in the fantasy, to keep entertaining the impossible.
He doesn't know how to make Chanyeol understand. He doesn't know if it’s worth the effort to make him understand. He takes another deep breath and breaches the space between them that has made itself uncomfortably apparent. He reaches out to touch Chanyeol’s lips and he watches as Chanyeol’s eyes follow the movement with wary, with caution. Baekhyun musters a smile. He moves his hand to Chanyeol’s cheek.
“It's not your fault,” He says softly, “And I'm sure you want to blame me, but it's not mine either. Things fall apart and sometimes it’s not worth it to try to patch together all the little pieces.”
He sees his vision blur with unwelcome tears and he leaves the dorm room before Chanyeol can see him cry.
◄◄
It takes a while. A concerning amount of time, really, and Baekhyun has just about cried out every last one of his tears when he finally calls.
Chanyeol actually initiates the call.
He's apologetic for being busy, for not putting enough into their relationship, for anything and everything that he’s done wrong in the past couple of weeks. Months. The call is short, courteous and there's something about it that leaves Baekhyun feeling something.
He's not angry. He's not hurt.
He can't place the emotion that's bubbling in the pit of his stomach.
◄◄
Chanyeol’s not replying back anymore. He’s hasn’t in a couple of days, bordering a week, and Baekhyun’s sure he’s busy. He’s sure there’s something going on and he’s sure that it isn’t meant to be hurtful -- nothing malicious that is intentionally directed at Baekhyun, at least -- but something clicks.
Something clicks when he scrolls through his screen of unanswered texts and so he stops too.
He doesn’t text Chanyeol his usual “good morning” the next day.
◄◄
"You know I don't want this to be an obligation." He says one day when he finally manages to catch Chanyeol on the phone. It’s been awhile since he’s heard Chanyeol’s voice -- even their texts have dwindled in number -- but he doesn’t fret it. There's the sound of flipping pages and pencil scratches and Baekhyun thinks that he must be trying to multitask once again. He's not successful if the abrupt drop of the pencil is of any indication. There’s a subsequent thud -- Chanyeol closing the book -- and then a couple of hurried steps and a softer sound of impact -- Chanyeol relocating to the comfort of his bed.
"What?" Chanyeol finally responds and there's so much confusion laced into his voice. "You don't want to be what?"
"Nothing." Baekhyun says, quickly changing the subject, "Were you studying? Should I hang up?”
“No,” Chanyeol answers and there’s the sounds of sheets rustling. “I was due for a break. It’s been some time, huh?”
Baekhyun’s hesitant at first, but he speaks after a minute or so. “Yeah. So how was your day?"
He curls into himself as he listens to Chanyeol talk.
◄◄
They arrange a video call; it's the first one in a while. Baekhyun can't help the feelings of excitement, this unstoppable exhilaration that he hasn't felt since maybe when they first started dating. He’s eager to finally see Chanyeol’s face.
It's been a while.
It’s was planned for 2 a.m his time. 11 p.m Chanyeol’s time. There’s no call at first, no response either, but Baekhyun doesn't mind. There's usually a thirty minute grace period; he knows things happen and the time zones don't make it any easier.
It’s quickly approaching 2:30 a.m when Baekhyun finally decides that maybe he should try to contact Chanyeol through other means.
His texts go unanswered though, his calls, straight to voicemail. He doesn't leave a message. That seems much too desperate, needy.
But he can't help but fixate on it. There's scenarios playing out in his head, stupid ones. Ones that he knows Chanyeol would never do, ones that he knows Chanyeol is smart enough not to get into and he tries to clear it out. To not think about it, but his mind is a loose cannon and it's only spiraling more and more out of control as the time ticks by.
3:30 a.m is fast approaching and at this point, Baekhyun can barely keep his eyes open. When he feels himself slowly drifting off, he makes sure to raise his phone volume to max. He falls asleep with his phone right next to his ear for when Chanyeol calls.
He never does.
Chanyeol eventually calls the next day to say sorry. He seems distracted as he does it, but Baekhyun doesn't really mind. He’s just happy to hear his voice after all this time.
◄◄
He can't get ahold of Chanyeol. It's their two year anniversary, but he doesn't hold it against him. He's sure that Chanyeol's got something going on. Some kind of test or maybe something of equal importance.
(Baekhyun doesn't want to think about it. What he's missing, what Chanyeol’s actually doing. He doesn't want to think about it.)
He sends Chanyeol a necklace that he knows Chanyeol's been eyeing along with a care package filled with his favorite snacks. He throws in a couple of books that Chanyeol’s been wanting to read along with some taffy from that corner candy shop they always used to visit.
He includes a small note wishing Chanyeol the best of luck.
◄◄
Chanyeol comes back again for winter, though he's less talkative this time. Baekhyun comments on how he's thinned out, how he can see the hollows of his cheeks, but Chanyeol brushes it off. Chalks it off to stress and finals. He still smiles although Baekhyun sees the bits of strain in it. There's a dullness in his eyes.
Baekhyun doesn’t actually get to be with him for Christmas since Chanyeol’s family takes priority, but he gets him all to himself for New Years Eve. He takes him to the ocean and they set up camp right on the beach.
They had done something like this before; they had come to see the sunrise before. The scent of the sea is all the same. The sand that seems to stick to every possible crevice on their body is the same. The wind slapping Baekhyun’s cheeks raw with windburn is the same.
But it’s all kind of different now.
It's a little awkward now. Trying to piece together conversation after being apart for so long. There's experiences they don't share. There’s jokes they don’t know. There's a space that he can't cross and for once he's starting to feel the gap.
◄◄
The next year is weird. Chanyeol’s back from his summer internship in another city and he has stories. Many of them about the friends he had made and the place he had worked at and the things he had explored. There’s so much Chanyeol had gone out and done.
But Baekhyun has to coax them out of him. He had to offer the leading questions, prompt the conversation, or else Chanyeol lapses into quiet. Chanyeol says he’s just tired. He blames it on adjusting back to his timezone.
There’s a letter later in the month. It’s a bit late, considering Baekhyun had sent one quite a while ago and it’s about a page of scrawled writing. It’s about almost nothing of importance. Baekhyun adds it into the box of others anyway.
◄◄
Chanyeol’s a little busy with all his finals but he’s adamant on continuing to video chat. Baekhyun can tell he’s tired, can see that the shadows below his eyes are only growing darker, and he always makes an excuse to keep Chanyeol from staying up too late for talking for too long.
Their conversations steadily grow shorter as Chanyeol has to dedicate more time to studying and Baekhyun refuses to let him skimp on sleep.
It's okay. He doesn't want to be a burden.
◄◄
Chanyeol can’t make it back for Christmas but he’s there during the spring. Baekhyun meets him at the airport, runs at him with a big hug whenever he first steps through the airport gates. It’s all one big scene as they kiss for the first time in what feels like years and they’re attracting unwarranted attention from all of those around them. Baekhyun doesn’t really care, though. He’s happy.
The first thing they do is drive to the ice cream shop they used to frequent back in high school and just talk. Chanyeol talks about how there's a ice creamery just like this only a couple blocks away from campus. Maybe even better. Baekhyun tells him he must be lying and they compromise with Chanyeol promising to take him if he ever comes and visits. Baekhyun subsequently promises to come visit.
He never really realized it before. How much he’s missed Chanyeol. How much he’s missed their banter, their interactions. How much he’s missed just the way his voice resonates in open air rather than over the staticky connection of their calls.
Chanyeol’s only there for the week but he stays with Baekhyun and they sleep together on his tiny little twin bed just like they always used to.
◄◄
There's a call around 3 a.m and he can barely open his eyes when he answers it. He doesn’t even have time to ask who it is when there’s a voice, breathless and deep.
“I miss you.”
It’s Chanyeol.
“I miss you.” Chanyeol repeats again; he sounds more desperate, more rushed. Baekhyun wonders if he’s drunk. “I miss you and your presence and I just really want to hug you and feel your warmth up against me. I miss you. I want you here. Right here in this tiny bed in this empty dorm room. I really want to see you.”
And it doesn't take much really but Baekhyun’s crying all over again. He’s clamping his teeth around his hand and trying his best not to whimper because he thought he was over this. He thought he was done being pathetic but it feels like he’s being kicked down all over again.
“I wish I was there,” Chanyeol starts again. He’s speaking a bit more slowly now. “I wish I was there to kiss away your tears and just have you next to me. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you close like I used to.”
“I love you,” Baekhyun manages to say although it’s barely over a whisper. “I love you.”
◄◄
There's a package as the semester draws to an end. There’s no return address but Baekhyun has a good idea of who it is based on the rushed drawing of a dog that’s been placed beside his name. Baekhyun can't stop smiling as he rips open the package.
There’s a couple of things. There's a letter at the very top with a sticky note affixed to the envelope. It states, “Warning: Cheesy Contents Inside”. Baekhyun’s grin grows wider.
There’s some candies. The ones that Baekhyun’s never gotten the chance to try but Chanyeol swears are the best things in the world. There’s the university hoodie that Baekhyun had jokingly asked for. There's a stuffed teddy bear that has a message tied in the red satin ribbon around its neck.
There's also a pile of Polaroids at the bottom of the box and there are pictures of Chanyeol’s dorm. Of his campus, of his friends, his professors, his fellow researchers. A couple of himself too, smiling brighter than ever.
He hangs them up around his room. If he tries hard enough, he can imagine that he’s still right there by Chanyeol’s side.
◄◄
It gets better. It's becomes a little exhilarating even. To get to hear all about the crazy adventures Chanyeol is going on, the frat parties, the pranks, the kind of things you only hear about in movies. It's exciting, to think about all the things that the world has to offer, to imagine what it'd be like if he could've gone along.
He doesn't dwell on it because he can't change the past. Because he's happy for Chanyeol. He's happy that Chanyeol’s happy.
◄◄
Chanyeol’s gone and Baekhyun thought that’d he was prepared for this. That he wasn't going to cry, but that's the furthest thing from the truth.
He cries. A lot. When he hears certain songs, when he sees souvenirs from the dates they've gone on, when he passes a picture they took together. When he's gone too far into his own thoughts.
He thinks it’s a waste to cry about someone who is still his. For someone who has pledged to be his now and forever.
But it's different. It feels like his grasp on Chanyeol has weakened. It feels like he's just about to slip out of his hands.
◄◄
"You want to go for a walk?" Chanyeol asks quietly, softly rousing Baekhyun from where he had begun to drift off. "We have a little time left."
Baekhyun blinks blearily at the window, eyes the way the street light flickers through the pitch black. It's dark, it's late, it's humid. He says yes anyways.
The stars are out tonight, clearer than ever and Chanyeol talks about how he used to always stare at them when he was little. How he used to just stand back and imagine all of what there could be. Baekhyun just nods, admires the ways they sparkle and shine in silence.
“I’m really glad I met you,” Chanyeol says and it’s a bit of a non sequitur. “I’ve lived in so many places, met so many people, but I don’t think there’s ever been a better one for me than you.”
Baekhyun means to reply but his words come out in a mangled, indecipherable mess. He bites the inside of his cheek as he feels water filling his eyes.
Still looking at the night sky, Chanyeol muses, “I wish we had more time. I wish I could still take you on that kayaking trip I promised. To that art museum in the city we talked about visiting, to that restaurant we always wanted to try. I wish that I had the guts to ask you out earlier, I wish I didn't beat around the bush…”
He trails off but finishes with, “I wish I didn't have to go.”
Tears are starting to trickle down his face. Baekhyun hates himself.
It's stupid. It's stupid to cry because they've talked about this. They've promised themselves to each other.
But it undoubtedly feels like the end.
Chanyeol doesn't say anything at first and that makes it all the worse. His tears are streaming unattractively down his face now. He's sniffling and he can't help but wonder how pitiful he must look right now.
They walk a bit further, Baekhyun futilely trying to silence his cries. He’s in the middle of wiping a tear when Chanyeol stops and turns Baekhyun to face the lake. Chanyeol comes up behind him, encircles him in his arms, and kisses him chastely on the cheek. Baekhyun can feel the way Chanyeol’s lips curl up into a smile shortly after.
"You know if all of this goes well. Goes by plan. We'll be able to tell our kids about the time their father cried like a baby when I left for college." Chanyeol laughs and Baekhyun can feel his warm breath against his ear. He pulls Chanyeol's arm tighter, closer.
"And then I'll tell them how you didn't wipe my tears and how unchivalrous that is." Baekhyun says in a small voice. Chanyeol just nuzzles himself into the side of his face.
“I told you that I love this part of your face right?” Chanyeol asks, lifting his arm to swipe at the corner where Baekhyun’s nose meets his cheek. “Your tears collect here when you cry. It’s beautiful.”
Baekhyun doesn't say anything in reply, just lets himself press into Chanyeol’s warmth just a bit more.
"Does it bother you that I'm not crying?” Chanyeol asks softly.
"Not really," He shrugs and it's not a lie. Chanyeol’s never been the best at showing his emotions.
"You know, I heard that there's typically two ways to react to a breakup," Chanyeol starts when a moment of silence drags on a beat too long, "Some people cry at the beginning. They cry because they see what's ahead of them, what's to become. Others are sadder after the fact, when they can finally comprehend what it is they've lost. I think that's what's happening here. You're still right here. You’re still in my reach. I can't imagine what it'll be like without you."
"I think I’m really going to miss you," Chanyeol whispers as he presses his lips into Baekhyun's temples.
He wants to say something. He wants to parrot it back because he means it. Because Chanyeol deserves to hear it, and because he’s never been able to say it, because this may as well be the end. But he can't make himself say it.
It's because there's something in his throat, he's choked up. Because he's drowning in his own tears.
But there’s also something in the back of it all, in the back of his mind, screaming. There's an alarm blaring in his head and there's a scratching in his throat. It threatens to spill out but he keeps his mouth locked tight and he doesn't dare say a word. He nods. He smiles. He swallows back the bitter taste in his mouth.
■ ■ ■