Desiderata [2/2]
Two
It’s good to be back in the hustle bustle of Seoul, Baekhyun has to admit. The city is never truly asleep, but the handful of commuters at this hour of the morning looks like they’d rather stay in bed than head out. Not Baekhyun, though. He’s buzzing with energy, various folders tucked under his arm as he boards the train, backpack heavy on his back for the first day back.
The last few days of the holiday he’s spent organizing the welcome week for the new students of his university along with the rest of the committee. He’s been busy, but busy is good; it distracts him from wandering thoughts about things he’d rather not think about.
The morning goes by in a blur, with Baekhyun running from one place to the next, making sure that everything and everyone is where they’re supposed to be. When the gates of the campus finally open and frightened new first-years start to trickle in, everything is ready, and Baekhyun gives thumbs up to his committee for a job well done.
This is only the second time Baekhyun’s been involved in organizing this kind of thing, and the novelty of seeing the new students’ faces of awe is still fresh. Their university is one of the finest in the country, and Baekhyun’s going to make sure it lives up to expectations.
He wanders around the rest of the day, answering questions form new students when he can and showing them the way. It’s very rewarding, if he may say so himself. He’s exhausted at the end of the day, but he’s happy about what he does.
The next day goes more or less the same, except he’s got a tour around the campus to lead in the afternoon. During lunch, Chanyeol wordlessly hands him the list of students who’ll be going with him, along with a tray of food and a box of juice.
“You’re the best,” Baekhyun sighs adoringly as the two of them settle at a table and starts to dig into their food. Chanyeol chuckles and ruffles Baekhyun hair, which he knows always makes Baekhyun indignant, but does it anyway. Seriously, Chanyeol should just get a pet instead of treating Baekhyun like a small dog all the time.
“Just make sure you’ve still got all those kids by the end of the tour,” he says, shoveling bread into his mouth. Baekhyun gives him a mock salute, mouth still full and cheeks bulging. “How was your holiday?”
“Okay, I guess,” Baekhyun says nonchalantly. He hopes Chanyeol didn’t notice how forced it was, but Chanyeol’s already stopped eating, staring at Baekhyun with his eyes narrowed.
“Something happened,” he said. It wasn’t a statement, just a simple observation, but Baekhyun nods anyway. He can’t lie to Chanyeol, not when he knows him too well. “Are you going to tell me about it?”
“Maybe,” Baekhyun answers. He will, no doubt about that, but he doesn’t know when.
“Okay,” Chanyeol nods, not asking Baekhyun to elaborate any further, for which he’s grateful for. The rest of the lunch goes by in silence.
÷
At three-thirty in the afternoon, Baekhyun’s standing in the steps in front of the main building, clipboard in hand, a cluster of nervous first-years below him waiting for the tour to begin. He ignores them, mostly, as he goes over the details of the route and what to say and show them.
He’s so focused on the plan before him that he doesn’t realize someone’s walked up the steps towards him, calling his name twice. It’s only when the person stops on the step below his that he notices the brown shoes from over his clipboard, attached to long legs covered with khaki pants, leading to a rumpled band shirt and leather jacket, numerous necklaces and chains hanging from a slender neck to - oh.
Oh.
“…What,” Baekhyun croaks, jaw falling and eyes widening. He couldn’t believe it, no, it couldn’t be happening, it’s not possible --
“Hi,” Tao says, looking just as surprised as Baekhyun feels, but also a bit…wary?
But it doesn’t matter, Tao’s here, he’s right here, how could he be here? Oh, Baekhyun wants to jump up and kiss him, tell him how much he’s missed him. “What are you doing here?” Baekhyun whispers, still not trusting his voice enough.
At that Tao fidgets, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and a hand reaches up to scratch the back of his head. “I, um, go to this university.”
“What?”
“I mean I’m new,” he corrects.
“You’re younger than me?”
Tao frowns. “Well, yeah. Looks like it. I didn’t know either.”
They lapse to silence, where Tao’s eyes dart around nervously and Baekhyun continues to stare at him, still half-believing this to be a dream. Neither quite know what to say, and Baekhyun thinks this is the perfect time to kiss him, just close that little gap and press their lips together like they’ve done so many times before, tour be damned.
But Tao holds up both his hands, as if sensing what Baekhyun’s about to do, and says quickly, “I’m part of your tour.”
“Tour… right, yeah. Tour. Okay,” Baekhyun says, flustered, and Tao gives him a small, secret smile and touches his wrist briefly before he steps back into the crowd of new students. Baekhyun fumbles with the papers in his hand for a moment before finding the list of the students, mind still partly on Tao and this coincidence.
He starts listing off the names, and when he calls out ‘Huang Zitao’, Tao raises his hand. Something warm blooms in Baekhyun’s chest at that. He didn’t know anything about Tao back then, but now he’s got a full name, and he goes to the same school as Baekhyun and they’ll be able to see each other as often as they like. But for now he’s got a tour to hold. They’ll have more time to talk and banter and exchange insults like they did, to kiss and touch and hold later, right?
Wrong.
÷
Fortunately, the tour is the last thing on the day’s schedule. When they get back to where they started, Baekhyun dismisses them all with a cheery wave and a hope for them to enjoy their year. Strangely, Tao seems eager to leave, following a group of students back to the lockers. Baekhyun doesn’t think much of it, though, he’s just happy that Tao’s here.
“Hey! Tao, wait!” he calls out, and Tao freezes. He turns to Baekhyun with a tight smile, posture rigid as if he’d rather be anywhere but here. Baekhyun frowns. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” he replies, and Baekhyun knows it’s a lie. He leaves it for now, though.
“Want to get coffee? I just need to pack up, I’ll be done in fifteen minutes then we can go,” Baekhyun says brightly, eager to continue their not-really-relationship from the holiday.
Tao bites his lip, looking at Baekhyun with sadness in his eyes. Why is he sad? “Actually, I’m not really a coffee person-“
“Zitao!”
Baekhyun looks over Tao’s shoulder to see a boy around their age jogging towards them. He’s tall, limbs thinner and lankier than Tao’s, and beside him, they’re exactly the same height. He grins at Tao, before turning to Baekhyun and catching sight of his lanyard, and bows a little.
“Hyung,” he greets politely, and bumps his shoulders to Tao’s. Baekhyun raises his eyebrows questioningly, and Tao seems to hold some kind of inner debate before sighing a little. The look he gives Baekhyun makes his stomach churn with a sick feeling.
“Sehun, this is Baekhyun. We… met during the holiday,” Tao says, and the boy, Sehun, inclines his head. “Baekhyun, this is Sehun. He’s my boyfriend.”
Baekhyun blinks. “Oh,” he says, mouth falling open. Right. Well.
(He remembers the phone charm, left behind on the porch and he wonders if it’ll still be there next year. He remembers the way Tao’s head pops up from beneath the waves after they push him off his surfboard, grinning and happy and the swelling feeling in Baekhyun’s chest that accompanies it. He remembers Tao complaining about the red marks the dive mask leaves around his face, and Baekhyun tracing it with kisses and laughter. He remembers falling asleep with Tao’s face close to his, breaths mingling and noses bumping --)
“Nice to meet you,” he says again, forcing his lips to smile. Sehun beams, and Tao is looking anywhere but towards them. Baekhyun clears his throat and grapples for his manners. “You two have been, um, together for a while?”
Tao’s head whips up in alarm but it’s Sehun who answers. “Oh, yes! It’s been two years, I think.”
“I see.” Baekhyun smiles. His jaw hurts, and Tao’s gone back to staring at his shoes. “Right, I need to go and pack up for today. Hope to see you around!”
What a lie, and Tao knows it. His eyes are narrowed, but Baekhyun ignores him, rearranging his papers and nodding to the two of them, then turning right round. He forces his shoulders to stay straight and his steps measured, even though he feels like bolting away and wrapping his arms around himself so he doesn’t crumble.
÷
Later that night, Chanyeol finds him sprawled in the living room of their shared flat, glassy eyes staring at the ceiling and a can of coke balanced on top his chest. There are five more empty ones on the floor, and Chanyeol throws them away before prodding Baekhyun for some space on the couch. He doesn’t move, so Chanyeol sits on his legs and turns on the TV.
He flips through the channels for a while before settling for an old episode of The Simpsons. “Sooo,” he begins, moving his butt around so he can sit comfortably between Baekhyun’s calves. He’s still not moving, and Chanyeol briefly wonders if he’s paralyzed. “You gonna call in sick tomorrow?”
“Yep,” Baekhyun replies, voice croaky. Oh good, he can still hear and speak. Which probably means he isn’t paralyzed and physically fine, but Chanyeol knows him well enough to know that emotionally he’s not, and would spend the next day not getting out of bed at all.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No.” And then a few seconds later, “Yes, actually. Yeah.”
÷
At the end of Baekhyun’s story, Chanyeol’s eyes are narrowed in suspicion, and Baekhyun doesn’t like it one bit.
“You like him,” Chanyeol accuses, finally breaking the silence.
“I thought that was obvious,” Baekhyun grumbles.
“I mean like like him.” He pokes Baekhyun’s knee with a finger, and Baekhyun doesn’t reply. “Amazing. Byun Baekhyun fucked someone for more than a month and is actually moping about him. I never thought I’d live to see this day.”
“Shut up,” Baekhyun growls and kicks Chanyeol’s shoulder. His best friend lets out a satisfying howl of pain. “And we dated for six months, remember.”
“That was different,” Chanyeol says, wincing as he rubs his abused shoulder. “Anyway, you want to know what I think. Well I think that that was a dick move on Tao’s part, but you should talk to him.”
“Why should I!?”
“Because I know what you’re like,” Chanyeol says, voice serious now. “You’ll want to know everything first or you can never move on. Why he never said anything, why he did what he did. Those questions will follow you for a long time if you don’t sort this out now.”
“I don’t want to see him again,” Baekhyun sighs, finally sitting up properly. His head feels heavy, and there’s the beginning of a headache drumming near his temples.
“Not true,” Chanyeol trills, and of course he’s right but he stills sounds far too happy for it. “I’m going to order pizza and by the time I end the call there’s going to be a text to Tao demanding a meet-up in your phone. Understood?”
“I don’t have his number,” Baekhyun mutters, and Chanyeol sighs long-sufferingly at him before telling him what a stupid excuse that was because the phone numbers of the students’ from this afternoon’s tour is also listed next to their names.
÷
“I’m sorry,” Tao blurts out.
Baekhyun winces. The two of them have been sitting in silence for a while, coffee cooling in their cups. The plate of cheesecake in front of Tao is already empty, and he’s scraping the spoon against the ceramic idly. They’ve been in this cafe for a good half hour, but haven’t said a word to each other.
“For what?” Baekhyun replies in what he hopes is his calm voice.
“For not saying anything,” Tao mutters.
“That’s it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not sorry that you cheated with me?” That you made me fucking like you more than I should, he adds bitterly in his head.
Tao takes a deep breath, and lets his head falls to his hands. “I am sorry that I cheated on Sehun, that was wrong. But I’m not sorry about what we had.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Baekhyun growls. He won’t let himself be played like this. If that’s all this is to Tao, a game, Baekhyun’s going to make him regret every single thing -
“Maybe if we met in a different situation -“
“Oh don’t give me that bullshit,” Baekhyun groans. “You have ten minutes to explain before I throw my mug at your head, starting now.”
The corners of Tao’s lips twitched, as if about to smile, but he catches himself and stops just in time. “You’re going to hate me when I finish.”
“Already have,” Baekhyun counters easily.
“Hate me more.”
“Oh, good. Now spill, we haven’t got all day.”
Tao sighs exasperatedly, realizing that there’s nothing else he can do but tell Baekhyun.
“Well,” he clears his throat. “Things with Sehun has been kind of… difficult these past months -“
“I wonder why,” Baekhyun drawls.
“I’m not a cheating bastard, in case that was what you were thinking,” Tao snaps. “We just-fought a lot, over little things that shouldn’t matter at all. I don’t even remember when it started. Suddenly these little habits of his that I used to find endearing became annoying, whatever he did I criticized, dates were just boring, and we couldn’t stay in the same room for more than an hour without shouting at each other. Not to mention we were both stressed at the time, what with exams and graduation and preparing for college. It was hell.”
“So you decided to fuck another guy because you were bored with your boyfriend,” Baekhyun states plainly. Hell, even Baekhyun’s not that of a dickhead. At least he had the common sense to break up with his partners first before moving on to the next one.
“Don’t put it that way,” Tao snaps. Baekhyun lifts his shoulders, utterly remorseless. There’s no point in sugar coating anymore, or ever.
“So we both decided to take some time off from each other, hoping that it’ll do us good," Tao continues. "That break was either going to make or break us.”
They lapsed to silence, less tense than the one before but still thick with regret and suppressed emotions. Baekhyun watches what was left of the cream on his latte swirl around his spoon as he stirs it. Tao is watching a little girl chasing pigeons outside the window, bright laughter lighting up her little face.
“You’re a bastard,” Baekhyun whispers finally, and Tao turns his head slowly towards him, eyes sad, but with a hint of affection in them.
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean for it to go that far,” Tao says, reaching a hand out to trace patterns to the back of Baekhyun’s hand with a fingertip. After a pause, “I really like you.”
“Don’t -“ Baekhyun’s voice chokes off, his throat feeling tight. God, he hates dealing with feelings. He gulps and tries again. “Don’t say things like that ever again.”
“I’m sorry,” Tao says again, utterly sincere, hand enveloping Baekhyun’s hand in his large one.
“So how is it between you two now?”
Tao’s face turns thoughtful, contemplating his answer. “We’re good, we’re okay. But it feels temporary, for some reason. Pretty sure we’re going to start fighting about everything again soon, at this point we’re just trying too hard, but Baekhyun -“
He looks up, and the urgency in Tao’s face is apparent, and Baekhyun’s chest aches.
“Don’t tell Sehun about this. Please.”
Baekhyun swallows, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. It doesn’t budge. “Give me one good reason,” he croaks.
Tao’s eyes are so sad. “Because when I do break up with Sehun, I don’t want it to be because of you. Despite everything, he’s still too precious for me to lose completely, and he doesn’t deserve it.”
Baekhyun can’t say no, not when Tao’s face is pleading and Baekhyun likes him too much. “Okay,” he whispers.
÷
It’s a little awkward after that, between Baekhyun and Tao. Neither wants to stop seeing each other, so for a while they spent some time trying to figure out where they stand, learning to become friends.
After some time, Baekhyun gets used to fencing his feelings in, and he can hang out with Tao without feeling like he’s been punched in the gut anymore. He even finds friendship in Sehun, who’s dry sarcasm is entertaining and is always up for a game of Halo. Chanyeol still worries about him from time to time, but knows from experience that Baekhyun will rebound, eventually. He just doesn't know when.
And even though Baekhyun’s sure he’s just fine, Tao doesn’t stop looking at him with pity in his eyes, and that’s not something Baekhyun can control.
He lies awake most nights in his bed wishing that he’d brought the starfish phone charm home, as a reminder of the happy times, instead of this dull ache in his chest.
÷
"I can't believe you're not over him yet," Chanyeol groans, some five months later. He all but flops to the living room sofa, miscalculates distances, and spectacularly smashes the back of his head against the hard armrest.
"That's none of your business," Baekhyun mutters, picking out a jacket from the coat rack. "And I never said anything like that."
Chanyeol huffs, rubbing his sore head as he sits up slowly. "It's all over your face, though."
"Park Chanyeol, if you know what's good for you, you'll shut up."
"You don't have to do this!" Chanyeol shouts, exasperated. "I'm pretty sure Tao's managed to get Sehun birthday presents by himself before, why change that now?"
"He asked me to help him, Chanyeol. As a friend. Why would I say no?"
"Because you need to learn to say no to him," he answers back cheekily, and Baekhyun shoots him a glare as he ties the laces of his boots.
"It's not like it's a date or anything --"
"God, Baekhyun, sometimes I just want to grab your head and smash it to the nearest hard, blunt object --"
"I'll be home late-ish. Don't wait up for me, honey," Baekhyun interrupts Chanyeol's tirade and slams the door behind him.
Tao meets him at the train station, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his unbuttoned trench coat as he smiles brightly at Baekhyun. Embarrassingly, Baekhyun's heart skips before he remembers to smile back. Whatever he said to Chanyeol, for now, he wants to pretend.
÷
It's a quiet Saturday evening in Baekhyun and Chanyeol's flat, a rare weekend when both of them are home and not out attending a party somewhere or studying their brains dry. Down to the last of the month's expenditure, they decided to cook dinner together instead of ordering out like they always do, and are currently bickering over the optimum time for cooking penne pasta.
(Baekhyun found it at the very back of the cupboard, and neither he or Chanyeol remembers purchasing it. The production date was over a year ago but it hasn't expired yet, so, whatever.)
Chanyeol lost the game of rock paper scissors earlier and is peeling and cutting up onions while Baekhyun stirs the pot when the bell rings. They both look up, and Chanyeol quickly shuffles to his feet to get the door, hoping to stay away from his part of the job for as long as possible.
Baekhyun continues stirring the pasta around idly, singing the Adventure Time theme song over and over in his head as he does so. Vaguely he hears the sound of the door opening, a quiet, muffled conversation, and then the door closing again. He expects Chanyeol to pop back in the kitchen in a few seconds, but it was a different voice that calls out his name and startles him.
"Tao," Baekhyun breathes, heart racing from surprise. "What are you doing here?"
Tao is standing by the fridge, looking lost as he shuffles his feet and fidgets continuously. His expression is guarded, not betraying a hint of expression except probably discomfort, and his smile is tight. "Hi, Baekhyun. Sorry to suddenly come over, but can we talk?"
Baekhyun frowns. It looks like it's serious. Chanyeol is in the hallway some way behind Tao, and Baekhyun looks over his shoulder to shoot a questioning glance to his best friend. Chanyeol shrugs, and makes little shooing motions with his hands, which Baekhyun takes as a 'go ahead'.
"Alright," he says slowly, and some relief washes over Tao's face. "Let's go to my room."
They leave Chanyeol to finish cooking the dinner, and Baekhyun shoots him a grateful look as they pass him. Chanyeol only puts his hand on Baekhyun's shoulder briefly in acknowledgement, squeezing gently.
"Hm," Tao says as Baekhyun closes the door behind him. "Your room's even more messier than the one back in Jeju."
Baekhyun scowls and nudges him to take a seat on the unmade bed, while he pulls out his wheelie chair from the desk and sits backwards on it, chin on resting on the backrest.
"Okay, speak," Baekhyun says, and Tao takes his time twiddling his thumbs first, as if working out what to say. He keeps running his hand through his hair, and Baekhyun secretly files it away in his head under 'cute nervous habits'.
Finally he sighs, and looks Baekhyun straight in the eyes. "Sehun broke up with me," he says without preamble.
Baekhyun startles, eyes widening and mouth falling open in surprise. When Tao first popped his head in to the kitchen, he didn't think Tao would be carrying this kind of news. "...What?"
Tao's face is now relaxed, that the cat's out of the bag. No more fidgeting or distracting small movements, and his shoulders are a little slumped, curled into himself. "I asked him where he'd like to go for his birthday tomorrow," he says quietly. "And he put down his book, and told me that we need to talk."
Baekhyun tries to search for emotion in Tao's face, in his voice, but can't seem to find any. He seems detached, oddly enough, as if he wasn't the one experiencing this. "And?"
"And he said that this has been going on for way too long. That we should just stop and talk about our feelings instead of forcing something to keep going because it's all we know," Tao replies. "He said -- he said he's not happy, he feels burdened."
"Oh, Tao…" Baekhyun sighs, reaching over to put a hand on Tao's knee.
"But I said I am, too," he continues, and Baekhyun freezes. Tao looks up, but his hand is hovering over Baekhyun's on his knee, tracing patterns with a finger on the back of Baekhyun's palm. The look in his eyes is soft.
Tao's face is inching closer, eyes slowly falling shut, and Baekhyun wants to do nothing but fall into the kiss as well. He wants to jump and scream to relieve some of the pressure the fireworks inside his chest makes, but instead he raises both hands and places it on Tao's chest, moving back. Tao opens his eyes, tilting his head in confusion.
Silence stretches between them, and Baekhyun grapples for words. "Give yourself a few days," he blurts out finally, and Tao's face clears.
"I think I've waited enough, thanks," Tao snaps. "I've missed you since we parted and I feel like shit every single day because I'm not supposed to, but now I don't have to, so --"
"Stop," Baekhyun raises a finger sternly, and Tao obeys. "You just broke up with your long-time boyfriend, you're clearly not thinking straight, you have to give yourself a break, and think. Think about what you want, what's best for yourself, don't rush into things." Think about what you want from me, goes unsaid, but Tao picks up on it anyway. His expression relaxes, and a tired smile graces his features as he nods.
"Good," Baekhyun whispers. He cups Tao's face gently and presses a kiss to his cheek, because he can't help himself. Tao sighs, and rests his forehead against Baekhyun's shoulder, breathing softly into his jumper
while Baekhyun strokes fingers through his hair.
÷
Later, Baekhyun leaves Tao and Chanyeol in front of the TV eating the too-mushy pasta with the excuse of needing to use the toilet. He ducks into the bathroom and locks the door firmly behind him, and pulls out his phone.
"Hello?" Sehun picks up on the fourth ring, and Baekhyun's stomach tightens.
"Hi, Sehun," he greets, feeling awkward.
"Oh, Baekhyun-hyung," he says, voice tinny over the distance. "What's up?"
Sehun sounds relaxed, not like he's been crying, or moody, or anything of the sort. Good. "I just, um…"
His voice trails away to silence, unsure of how to continue. But Sehun makes a little 'ah' noise over the phone, and saves him the trouble.
"Zitao came to you, didn't he? He told you." Sehun still sounds okay, as if they're only talking about the weather.
Baekhyun nods, before remembering that Sehun can't see him. "Yeah, he did. Listen, Sehun --"
"No, hyung, it's okay," he interjects gently. "It was for the best, for both of us. To be honest, I'm… relieved."
Baekhyun is struck silent. "Oh."
"He told me about you two, you know, what happened during the summer," he said, and cold dread filled Baekhyun's stomach. But Sehun laughs. "I wasn't surprised."
"You're not upset? Not in the slightest?" Baekhyun sputters. "When did he tell you this? Did you break up because of this? God, I didn't want you to break up because of me --"
"No I'm not, and he told me two months ago, I think?" he replies, voice still calm. "He said he was sorry, and I know he was. Still is, I think. But it's gone and passed, and we tried to keep going, but it still falls apart anyway."
Baekhyun doesn't reply, and silence falls over them, but he can still hear Sehun breathing on the other side. There's a million thoughts running through Baekhyun's mind, and he's starting to feel dizzy from it all.
"Take care of him, hyung," Sehun says finally. His voice is soft and fond. "He might not look like it, but he gets emotional easily. Beware," he says jokingly.
"I know," Baekhyun whispers.
÷
Baekhyun doesn't see Tao for a week. Then, on a Thursday afternoon, Tao shows up at his door, hoodie damp with early spring rain, but the smile he sports seems to warm Baekhyun to his bones. He leans a hip against the doorway, barring entrance, but grins back.
"Can I come in?" Tao raises his eyebrows.
"Did you bring any offering of some sort? Any food?" Baekhyun asks seriously.
For a moment, Tao looks like he wants to laugh, but he holds it back. "No, but," he says, and slips a hand into his his jacket pocket. "I have something I think you'll like."
With a flourish, he pulls the object out, and holds it in front of Baekhyun's face.
Baekhyun's jaw drops, leaning closer to the starfish charm Tao is holding. One of the five thin arms is a little bent, and its bright yellow all over, like the colour of lemonade. He runs a finger lightly over the bumps, hardly daring to believe. "Is that…?"
"Yep," Tao says proudly.
"How did you--"
"I saw you leave it on the porch the day you left," he replies, voice softer this time. Baekhyun's head snaps up, another question on the tip of his tongue, but Tao beats him to it. "I never went paintballing that day. I guessed you were leaving, and hid in the souvenir shop next to the ice cream parlor. Goodbyes are not my thing."
He drops the charm to Baekhyun's open palm, and Baekhyun curls his fingers around it. It feels like it never left his hand.
“Kind of rude, don’t you think? To leave something that was given to you like it was nothing,” Tao scoffs, but at the same time, a smile is tugging the corners of his lips up.
Baekhyun's heart feels close to bursting. "I'll be sure to keep it with me from now on," he grins.
÷
"I just didn't want to see you leave."
"You did, though."
“Never again.”
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