Bound for light [3/3]

[lababoreine]

Three

If it's not the quarterly media review that has Baekhyun's brain exploding into many, tiny pieces, it's the monthly business target regroups that make his life at least three times harder. They're tiny updates that clients often derive outrageous market assumptions from - are you sure we should be investing in iMedia if we're performing well below the benchmark, is Facebook even the best platform to use, Pinterest seems interesting; let's use it, are you even doing your job?

"Hey Baek." Minseok lays a palm flat on his shoulder. It's the first time he's heard a non-work term slip from Minseok's lips, but then Baekhyun attributes anything that he sees in the office to work at the moment. "You sent me the plans for the previous fiscal year." He rubs his eyes, then offers a sad smile. "I think you need a break."

By break, Minseok means a good amount of liquor and real food. The nearest samgyupsal place is about two blocks away, a good fifteen-minute walk for two people who have just rendered overtime work. Minseok's wearing twice as much layers when they head out, and Baekhyun adds a scarf to his ensemble, digging his hands deep in his pockets as soon as they step outside the building.

It's been two weeks since he's last gone out for a drink, possibly even longer if he'd narrow it down to the last time he's had dinner with Minseok. Minseok isn't exactly the most outgoing of people, always favoring staying in his apartment in homey Anggukdong instead of going out with people from the office. "I'll talk to people if I have to or want to," Baekhyun remembers Minseok saying years back, during one of their drunken bull sessions. "It would be a waste to use my pretty mouth to feed them with baseless praise."

"I feel like a kid all of a sudden," Minseok says, voice barely above a whisper. His lips are trembling and the white lights cast him a sick glow. "Friday night and we're looking for a samgyupsal place here in Gangnam. Haven't done this in, what, six, seven years?"

Baekhyun chuckles, but chokes when he takes in too much cold air. "You'll always deny it, but you love Garosugil way too much because it makes you feel young."

"Shut up." Minseok reaches over to slap him on his arm, but quickly retracts his hand when the wind blows hard. "You're not much younger than I am."

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. That's what old people always say."

They reach an intersection. 120 seconds out in the cold, with nothing but each other to hold on to for warmth. Baekhyun moves closer, takes a few quick breaths, then quickly looks at Minseok. "Wait. You said Friday, right? Today's a Friday?"

"Yeah. You even moved our 5 p.m. meeting today to next week because who even attends a 5 p.m. meeting on a Friday?"

Baekhyun blinks twice, reaches for his phone in his pocket, then activates the screen. It looks a bit empty without the plethora of notifications lined at the navigation dock, without obnoxious KKT messages from Jongdae or from Kyungsoo or from anyone who matters. He navigates to his text messages, hovers Joonmyun's name briefly, then clicks the thread. It's been two weeks since they've last exchanged messages, and the last thing Joonmyun said was, go, go to bed. you need to rest. we'll talk sometime.

where are the smileys?, he remembers himself contemplating on replying, but he'd already fallen asleep by the time he decided to just go with a reply not as well though of as his previous messages.

"Hey, we can cross now," Minseok says, resting a hand on Baekhyun's back. Baekhyun smiles in thoughtless response.

The same time two weeks ago, they were on the road to Bucheon, sitting side by side, singing Jon McLaughlin and Matt Nathanson songs on the stereo. There was the occasional Paolo Nutini, and when Baekhyun had taken control of Joonmyun's iPod, he'd skipped them all, saying that Paolo Nutini's voice was way too soothing that they'd be at the risk of falling asleep while driving. Joonmyun had said, "Well then, sing one of your original songs for me. Then, I won't fall asleep." Baekhyun had replied, "I sing for a fee."

They reached a stop light. Joonmyun looked at him for a good ten seconds as he worried his lower lip, then looked back at the road when a The Ready Set song came up. Baekhyun skipped that, too, saying it was too upbeat for a late-night drive.

"You're up for drinking, right?" Minseok asks, and Baekhyun feels a violent break of life fill his lungs. He takes a deep breath, looks around him before nodding in agreement.

The rest of the walk is quiet, the silence comfortable enough to let Baekhyun retreat to the deepest recesses of his thoughts. This is the longest he's gone without talking to either Kyungsoo or Jongdae, and he's really thankful they come from the same industry. Meeting up after work is almost a distant dream, but they understand how agency life works - they might as well be doctors of advertising, perpetually on-call, prepared to be pulled out of their normal lives to mend the advertising woes of clients at insane work hours.

"This isn't about work, is it?" Minseok says after a while, once the kimchi jjigae arrives. Baekhyun squints briefly. They're already seated comfortably and he's only just realized it.

Baekhyun looks up at the server and gives her a small smile before turning to Minseok. Minseok's lips are pursed, curved down, and there's a trace of worry in his eyes. Baekhyun can see his reflection on the lenses of Minseok's eyeglasses, and he looks horrible, to say the least. It can be the many sleepless nights or the workload weighing down on him, the many gruelling hours word undisrupted by much-needed crazy texts from Kyungsoo and Jongdae, those two weeks of silence between him and Joonmyun. It can be anything.

"What do you mean?"

"You look awful. Stressed. You've never been this worn out by work."

"Times are changing," Baekhyun replies, laughing a little. "I'm getting older. I'm not the manager I used to be two years back."

"You know what I mean."

"I-" Two platters of samgyupsal arrive. He suddenly realizes that he's the one who ordered this when Minseok laughs, eyes still fixed on him. Maybe this is too much for two people. He keeps his eyes glued to the smoke sizzling from the grill. "Yeah. I know," he admits, then looks up at Minseok. "But it's a long story so just- Don't make me narrate how it all began."

Minseok shrugs as he uncaps the bottle of soju. "Then tell me what had just happened and I can figure out the rest."

Baekhyun takes a deep breath. This, whatever it's supposed to be, isn't anything. He and Joonmyun are just friends who go out for dinner and drinks too often for two people who have met not too long ago. Joonmyun is a great assistant director, an amazing color grader, a friend selfless enough to put other people's needs before his own. That night, when they had beer in Baekhyun's house, Baekhyun knew Joonmyun wasn't just looking for his coat; he was looking for more - a lingering touch, a hug, maybe even a kiss. Someone who will just listen to how his day unfolded and not laugh at him or his weird and crazy decisions. Someone who won't berate him and his ways. He needed Baekhyun that night, and Baekhyun needed to be with Jongdae. Joonmyun could have made him choose, but instead Joonmyun took him to Bucheon without any hesitation. Joonmyun made a choice.

It isn't anything, even if the only thing Baekhyun wants right now is to receive a message from Joonmyun just to know that things are good between them, that he hasn't crossed a line by asking Joonmyun about Kyungsoo and their past. He's shivering and it's cold and he hasn't even removed any of his winter garments, and he's trembling all over, and there's a sharp wave of cold in his chest. If he takes a deep breath, he feels it will engulf him, consume him like the feeling of fear taking root in his body. Nothing scares him but the thought of being frightened.

"I met someone and I think I screwed things up by making him think that I've already made a choice," he says all in one breath. His lips quiver, but he can feel his hands again. Immediately, he fishes for his phone in his pocket and lays it flat on the table. "And I really have, but it's not what he thinks."

"I think you're confusing him the way you're confusing me right now," is all that Minseok says. Minseok pours him some soju, reaching across the table to place the glass in front of him. "So talk to him and tell him upfront whatever you need to say. Guessing games aren't fun, you know."

"Spoken like a true man of numbers," Baekhyun mumbles. He turns to his side before taking the shot and, when he turns back to Minseok, Minseok's smiling.

"Spoken like someone who's learned a lesson." Minseok winks, then gestures for Baekhyun to hand him his bowl.

Baekhyun reaches for the tongs on instinct and turns over the almost-burnt slices of samgyupsal just in time.

The logic behind confrontations is as foreign to Baekhyun as the concept of filing a vacation leave is. He's been in this industry for nearly seven years already, and while he's rich in deductions from his payroll due to tardiness, he's never taken a vacation leave, not even once. Sick leaves are inevitably used up come end of the year, before the cycle is renewed - one can only be so immune to diseases spreading in the office for so long.

He takes a deep breath, eyes fixed on the bright signage in front of him. The handles of the door are a bit frosted, so he pushes one with his arm until a guard rushes to open the door for him. He bows to the man, then walks slowly to the receiptionist's desk.

JS Tower in Samseong-ro. That's the place, Kris has said over text earlier, when Baekhyun asked him where Joonmyun's office was. He'd cited 'production needs' as a reason behind him visiting Joonmyun on a Saturday, and Kris bought it, had even sustained the conversation and asked about Baekhyun's plans, if he was going to release a new single soon, that, If you need any help on your video, you know who to trust. Trust Kris to let his corporate voice seep into casual conversations and KKT messages. Pretty sure he's there on weekends. He's a fucking workaholic, Kris even adds in a rush, and Baekhyun simply replies with a curt thanks, flourished only with a smiley at the end.

"Excuse me. Active Nations is on what floor?" he asks. He chokes on the last part. It's not as if he's auditioning for a talent search or something; getting the exact location of Joonmyun's agency shouldn't be too hard. The lady turns to him with a smile and a direct answer - "22nd, sir. You may take the lift to your right to reach Active Nations."

"Thanks," he mumbles, and goes on his way.

He presses the button for the 22nd floor and takes a deep breath as he watches the doors slide shut.

The thing about confrontations is that the chance of success isn't always a hundred percent, and Baekhyun doesn't deal too well with rejection. He'd been turned down once, back in highschool, by a girl named Taeyeon, but then it might have been warranted because he had a history of wiggling his eyebrows at girls with nice and firm butts; since then, he's always been the one firing and calling the shots, shooting people down one by one, sometimes all at once, in a straight line. Being asked to rework a media plan doesn't count as rejection; it's work, it's just work. This involves feelings. Feelings complicate everything.

The doors slide open, and the first thing Baekhyun notices is that the whole office - at least everything he sees of it - is all lit up.

There's a tentative pause before he rings the door bell. Announcing his arrival defeats the purpose of the surprise, but there's no other way to get inside. With eyes closed, he presses it, then shoves his hands deep in his pockets. It's colder here than outside where the wind blows and cuts his skin; here, inside, he feels his fingers go numb and his chest constrict. This is a moment of weakness. This is fear.

Rushed footsteps, then a resounding beep that signals the opening of the second door from the office's lobby. He knows those shoes and the rhythm in the steps, the silhouette moving just beyond the frosted glass. Even with the distance spread out between them, he knows he isn't wrong.

The door opens and Joonmyun peeks briefly. Oh, he mouths, then worries his lower lip for a while. It takes a couple of seconds before Joonmyun jolts and opens the second door completely, then unlocks the first door.

"Hey," Joonmyun says. He's breathless and he smells a lot like coffee. Baekhyun likes every single bit of it.

"Hey," Baekhyun replies. He wiggles his fingers in his pockets as he musters his best smile. "It's... been a while."

Joonmyun pulls him inside the office and quickly closes the door behind them.

The office is empty. The only disruption to the wave of silence is music coming from one of the rooms, the one at the far end of the aisle. Joonmyun's walking a few feet ahead of him, and he looks around as they tread the path to the music-filled room. It looks nothing like an office - the walls are painted beige and the shape of the couches isn't the most easily identifiable polygon in the planet. The colors are muted, but everything about the office - from the occasional faded vintage prints on the wall to the furniture and even down to the design of the carpet - speaks of Joonmyun and the way he thinks - differently.

"Come in," Joonmyun says, holding the door open for Baekhyun, and Baekhyun slides inside without another word.

"It isn't much, but it's feels a bit like home," Joonmyun comments, a hand moving across the room. Joonmyun's desk is at the center and there are shelves on either side of his table. There's a coffee maker about a few feet away, and two filing cabinets next to the pots of eucalyptus by the door. The scent of coffee is thick in the air, and wraps around the menthol coming from the eucalyptus.

Baekhyun looks at Joonmyun and smiles. "It's cute," he says. Joonmyun chuckles a little.

"Cute isn't exactly the best word to use to describe an office with."

"I wasn't talking about the office."

Joonmyun's breath hitches.

This is wall number one: It's been two weeks since they've last seen each other. It isn't too long, but it's been three hundred and thirty six hours apart, without any form of contact, physical or otherwise. Joonmyun's standing beside his table and Baekhyun's right beside the chair farthest from Joonmyun. "I missed you," Baekhyun confesses, and he presses his lips tightly together, like if he says more he'll ruin it. A ghost of a smile surfaces on Joonmyun's lips, and he's walking closer, and they're now within reach, about an arm's length from each other. Civil but not distant, friendly but not overly familiar.

"It's been-"

"Two weeks," Joonmyun finishes. He sits on the edge of his table and gestures for Baekhyun to come closer.

"It felt like forever."

Wall number two is Baekhyun sitting beside Joonmyun, hands clasped, cold and still on his thighs. Joonmyun hasn't looked him in the eye since they entered the room, but moves closer so that their shoulders bump. The warmth is familiar, comforting; it sends a sizzle down Baekhyun's torso, sets off explosions at the tips of his fingers. He wants to move closer, to snake a hand around Joonmyun's shoulder and rest his head there. He wants to feel the rise and fall of Joonmyun's chest against his skin.

"Busy with events stuff?" Baekhyun asks, quickly changing the topic when Joonmyun doesn't reply. Joonmyun nods, doesn't push him away, but Baekhyun keeps his hands to himself, nonetheless. Baby steps.

"How's Jongdae, by the way?"

Baekhyun looks up and looks at Joonmyun. Their eyes meet. It's electric. He's paralyzed and energized at the same time. A deluge of emotions washes over him, knocks from inside his chest in an attempt to get out, but he keeps it all in, holds his breath before parting his lips to speak. "He's good. Hasn't been sick in weeks, I think. I mean if he was, he'd definitely give me a call-"

"He'd call Kyungsoo first," Joonmyun reminds him. The smile Joonmyun is now wearing is more relaxed, more Joonmyun, but Joonmyun stands from where he is. Baekhyun jolts a little at the loss of warmth, follows Joonmyun with his eyes, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "He would, wouldn't he?"

"I don't mind," Baekhyun replies in a heartbeat.

The air thins. The music fades out. Baekhyun waits for the next track, but it's the last song on the playlist. Joonmyun doesn't budge, the only noticeable movement of his body being the steady rise and fall of his chest. The pounding in Baekhyun's chest rings louder in his ears.

And then, there's wall number three.

Joonmyun breaks the eye contact, lets his eyes linger on Baekhyun's lips. Often, Baekhyun wonders about how it would feel to kiss Joonmyun, to suck all the air out of him, to have Joonmyun screaming his name, but all these thoughts conveniently get lost at the back of Baekhyun's mind when the smile on Joonmyun's lips grows wider, warm and forgiving. "You don't mind, or you just don't want to admit it?" Joonmyun asks, this time a bit more taunting than genuinely curious, a bit more like a close friend, an exceptionally close one, and less like an acquaintance, a distant memory.

Baekhyun chuckles. He fixes his eyes on Joonmyun's lips, posing a challenge. "Why would it even matter?"

Baekhyun moves close, and Joonmyun moves even closer. Six inches, Baekhyun thinks - six inches, two seconds, a lifetime of uncertainty and regret pushing them apart. They're at this point again, Joonmyun with his lips pressed so thinly together and Baekhyun with his fists clenched so tight, and they're eye-to-eye, and they're both holding their breath, and Baekhyun cannot fight the feeling any longer. He takes a step forward and so does Joonmyun. Their noses bump. They laugh. Somewhere along the way, halfway through taking that first step, Baekhyun thought, why am I even doing this? I'm so used to playing around, so why stop playing? Joonmyun worries his lower lip, suppressing a smile, and now Baekhyun knows why.

"But Jongdae- What-" Joonmyun leans in a bit, gulps hard as he tries to finish his sentence. "What about Jongdae? Aren't you-"

"We're friends. Just friends." Baekhyun cups Joonmyun's face, traces Joonmyun's smile with his thumbs. "We've always been just friends."

Joonmyun catches a thumb and licks it lightly. "The day we met, I saw you two on the verge of making out-"

"And you caught us just in time." Baekhyun nips on Joonmyun's upper lip lightly, and Joonmyun shivers at the contact. "For a very good reason, too."

Joonmyun's the first to give up and give in, grabbing Baekhyun by his shoulders and pushing him against the wall. Joonmyun's lips are hot and heavy and wet, and Joonmyun tastes nothing like anything Baekhyun has tasted before. This is two weeks of silence, months of hanging around each other, hoping something will happen between them. This is the breach of personal space and taking off from edge of self-control. This is the culmination of fear and admission.

Joonmyun licks the stretch of Baekhyun's neck and Baekhyun shivers, his grip on Joonmyun loosening. "And us... what are we?" Joonmyun manages to say in between kisses and licks. He's got a hand on the button of Baekhyun's pants and Baekhyun bucks his hips up, the need for contact consuming him. "What are we, Byun Baekhyun?"

Baekhyun wraps his hands around Joonmyun's waist and snakes his hands inside Joonmyun's shirt. He rakes his nails on Joonmyun's skin and Joonmyun groans, and Baekhyun captures all of it when he presses his lips on Joonmyun's, licking the cavern of Joonmyun's mouth, biting a bit too hard on Joonmyun's lower lip when Joonmyun unbuttons his pants. "I'd want to be your everything, if you don't mind," he whispers, breath heavy on Joonmyun's skin as Joonmyun slips a hand inside his pants, cupping his erection.

Joonmyun caresses him with his thumb lightly. "It would be a pleasure-" Joonmyun replies, then slips his thumb beneath the waistband of Baekhyun's briefs, tugging them down slowly. "- to be yours, if you'd let me ask the same from you." Their foreheads bump and they're sweaty and they're panting, and Joonmyun's glowing, pressed so close to Baekhyun, and all Baekhyun can think is mine, mine, finally all mine.

"You can have all of me."

Joonmyun leans in for a quick kiss on the lips, then on his nose. "Glad to know."

Joonmyun tugs Baekhyun's jeans all the way down and Baekhyun keeps his eyes on Joonmyun, like if he blinks Joonmyun will disappear, or fade away, or leave. He watches as Joonmyun gets down on his knees, as Joonmyun secures hands on his hips, as Joonmyun maps a path along the inside of his thigh with kisses, as Joonmyun looks up, licks his lips, and takes all of him in one swift move. His chest constricts and he doesn't bite back the moans that escape his lips, doesn't deny Joonmyun of the music he's long been keeping inside of him as Joonmyun licks the underside of his shaft, tongue circling on the tip of his dick before Joonmyun pulls away to look up at him again. He can feel Joonmyun's breath on his skin, can feel the warmth of Joonmyun's hands despite Joonmyun's cold fingers. He can feel everything that Joonmyun is.

They are one. They are alive. They are electric. This is real and defined. This is who they are - Baekhyun and Joonmyun, not-strangers, not just friends. They are.

Later, Joonmyun slumps beside him on the floor, back against the wall. "Kyungsoo and I used to go out when we were still in the same agency," Joonmyun mentions out of the blue. He's looking at Baekhyun in the eye, stare never wavering, and his hands are warm. "Never really lasted. He looked too caught up in the past and hung up on someone to hang around me for too long."

"That's all?" Baekhyun asks. The intro of Matt Nathanson's Room At The End Of The World plays in the background.

Joonmyun furrows his eyebrows and smiles, albeit awkwardly. "Kris is an ass who can't be tied down?"

Baekhyun leans on Joonmyun's shoulder and nuzzles his neck. He feels lighter, like he can even fly, and he won't ever have to fear falling because Joonmyun would be somewhere down there, ready to catch him. And he'd do the same for Joonmyun.

"Good," Baekhyun replies. The smile on his lips grows wider. "That's all I needed to know."

He spends the night at Joonmyun's place. It looks a lot like Joonmyun's office, but feels nothing like it, especially when Joonmyun crawls on top of him on the couch and buries his face in Baekhyun's chest. Joonmyun's singing and it tickles, and it sounds way too familiar to not be mainstream. Joonmyun looks up at him, the heat of a challenge burning in his eyes - You know this, right? You're supposed to know what this is. Wall number four is breaking down all other walls and admitting defeat, so Baekhyun keeps his lips pressed tightly together, just smiling until Joonmyun's lips are merely centimeters from his and the song becomes more familiar with each passing note.

"I don't know," Baekhyun whispers, and Joonmyun just giggles. "You tell me," he continues, and Joonmyun complies, offering answers in the open press of his mouth.

The first message he gets from Kyungsoo in a long, long while is a message in all caps, saying, 10M VIEWS!!!!! :D :D :D

Jongdae's reply comes in too quick, a series of stickers and keysmashes, and Kyungsoo returns the favor by replying with his own set of stickers. ITS 11M NOW GUYS U R LATE 2 D PARTY, Baekhyun replies, and Kyungsoo replies with a middle-finger sticker, while Jongdae says, wow tysm party pooper :\ BUT YAY 11M WAT UUUUP

He rests his phone beside his laptop, sits back, and beams as he stares at the views counter. Eleven million. This is the most views they've gotten for a music video, the most any one of them has gotten for any video they've ever uploaded, be it a legitimate recording or a behind-the-scenes video. He unlocks his phone, prepared to type a message to Joonmyun, until a message from Jongdae pops up.

hey mr idk how to take care of ppl. u live!

Baekhyun laughs a little, then quickly clasps a hand over his mouth. He can see Minseok craning his neck from not too far away. He simply beams at Minseok in response.

Jongdae's favorite way of expressing adoration for his friends is through sarcasm. Baekhyun has received the same message at least fifty times before because he's always late to dinner or any get-together they have, for that matter, and by now he already knows when Jongdae means what he says despite the exclamation point or when Jongdae just aims to tease (but, at the very back of his mind, really means to say I hate you, I really missed you.) Jongdae often has trouble expressing himself directly, always resorting to subtly snide remarks that are taken back as soon as he lets them slip from his lips, saving his face with lingering touches and hugs. He'll never admit it, but he'll let you call him out on it.

This means Jongdae's genuinely seeking him out and inviting him for a quick catching up session. This is Jongdae asking Baekhyun to make the first move even if he's already taken the first step forward.

of course. im too awesome 2 die. 'sup?

d sky :D
we should celebrate d 10m views u know. but soo is bc so

hes always busy :||| dinner sumtym? when ur not working ur ass off?

hahaha i just got paid so no projects 4 now. i hv a flight tmr to bora bora tho. can u do 2nyt?

wow u rich man take me wid u!!! actually no just treat me 2 dinner id already b happy hahaha

wat does ur cultured gangnam taste fancy ryt now?

Baekhyun laughs. He knows just the perfect place for catching up.

cork for turtle, mug for rabbit :D garosugil 730pm. dont be late or else ill make u order extra

kk got it. m gonna feed u til u cant eat anymore

looking 4wd to it ;)

Baekhyun arrives earlier than expected. This is paranoia at work, he thinks; the last time he was late for dinner, Jongdae made sure to order so much food that they ended up having half of their orders put in takeout boxes. And of course he suffered the fate of having to pay for everything. Then Kyungsoo made him drive his car and made him sleep on the couch in the living room. Kyungsoo and Jongdae had a really effective way of teaching him a lesson, somehow.

b there in 5 mins just need 2 pee, Jongdae says over text, and Baekhyun just chuckles. It's the warmest night in Garosugil that he has experienced in months.

Jongdae's pale and shivering when he arrives, two layers of beanies covering his head and a thick jacket shielding him from the cold. "The winds here are a fucking beast," he grumbles as he removes the beanies, and Baekhyun reaches over to ruffle his hair before ordering two wasabi lattes.

"How can you be so sure that I'll like wasabi latte," Jongdae asks, and Baekhyun just grins, smug and certain.

"Because I loved it. And I know you trust my taste in things."

Jongdae nods thoughtfully then, after a while, chuckles. "Yeah. Maybe I do, maybe I trust you too much."

A pregnant pause stretches between them. Jongdae's hands are on the table, and he's drumming his fingers - it's to the beat of their new song. Eleven million views, Baekhyun says in his head, smiles a little, then rests his palms on Jongdae's hands. "You trust me, right? Even if I do weird and stupid things sometimes? You trust me to do the right thing?"

Jongdae laughs a little. "Is this the part where you get down on your knees and propose to me?"

Baekhyun stiffles a laugh. "Come on. I thought you knew me inside and out."

Jongdae stops laughing. The smile on his lips hangs awkwardly on the corners, like it can topple over anytime and turn upside down. Jongdae furrows his eyebrows, takes a deep breath, then slips his hands away from Baekhyun's. "I thought I did, until you met Joonmyun."

A corner of Baekhyun's lips tugs up on instinct, and the smile on Baekhyun's lips quickly disappears.

He's known Jongdae for years and this - Jongdae averting his eyes, fixing them on anything but Baekhyun's own, Jongdae pressing his lips so thinly to form a small, tight-lipped smile, the slow rise of the chest, the abrupt fall, the way Jongdae curls his fingers until he's balled his hands into fists - this is the sum of too many emotions and regret rolled into one. This is Jongdae coming to a realization and not giving in to the pull of defeat. This is the Jongdae he knows too well and has almost come to love.

This is the Jongdae who was afraid to tell him upfront about his feelings, the Jongdae who didn't ask him to be his. This is Jongdae.

"I knew we'd have this talk someday soon, especially after the night he took care of me." Jongdae's eyes are fixed on his clasped hands, fingers busy playing with his nails. The smile still hasn't resurfaced, but Baekhyun's fairly certain it will return soon. Jongdae is an expert at pretending and denying himself the simple pleasures he so desperately wants. "You looked at him with so much-"

"- emotion?"

"- love," Jongdae finishes. He almost chokes on the word. "Like you were dying to tell the world, dying to tell me that hey, you see this guy? I wouldn't mind waking up next to him every morning, or cooking breakfast for him M-W-F. I didn't... recognize that look at first." Jongdae's voice drifts off and he looks up, finally meeting Baekhyun in the eye. "You never gave me that look. Ever."

Baekhyun worries his lower lip. "Are you mad?" he asks, tentatively, as if he's scared he's treading dangerous grounds. Relationships have always been a very sensitive topic, and Jongdae, for all of his jokes about making Baekhyun fall in love with him, avoids the topic like the plague.

"At you? No. Not in a million years. At myself? Maybe, but I don't know why. I just am."

"Don't say that," Baekhyun rushes. He reaches for Jongdae's hands again, but Jongdae shakes his head and rests his hands under the table, away from Baekhyun's line of sight.

"Just- One question. Why him? Why not me?"

Baekhyun freezes. The server comes with two cups of coffee and places them on the table gently. The clinking of the teaspoon against the saucer rings in Baekhyun's ears; it sends a sharp line of pain through his chest. The answer is right under Jongdae's nose, but Baekhyun fears that Jongdae won't appreciate someone shoving the answers right in his face. Jongdae's the type who loves learning the hard way, the type who takes time to learn things through. He's foolishly adventurous.

"Because he made it clear, since day one, that he wanted us to be more than friends. He asked me out on a date. He always calls our dinner meet ups dates and I know it's pretty petty but you never had enough courage to really ask me out." Baekhyun laughs a little. The roles are reversed now - he's staring at Jongdae's fingers and Jongdae's looking up at him, searching for his eyes. "And that's important because if you really wanted to make things work out, you wouldn't have said yes to that no strings attached agreement. You would have fought to keep me to yourself. Did you seriously think the two of us playing around would've taken us somewhere?"

"I was willing to wait," Jongdae mumbles. "You know that, I didn't have qualms with waiting for the day that you-"

"But you didn't do anything. You just kept implying that you wanted something more, but you never actually said anything. If you really wanted me, you could have just asked."

Baekhyun peeks through his bangs and meets Jongdae, eye-to-eye. He takes a deep breath. Jongdae doesn't speak, doesn't touch his coffee, doesn't reach over to hold Baekhyun's hand or doesn't stand from his seat to punch Baekhyun in the face; instead, he just stares at Baekhyun, eyes not parting from his. Slowly, the creases on Jongdae's forehead ease, and his lips curve up into an unfamiliar smile - there's a realization hanging from the corners, threatening to fall from his lips, an admission of failure and regret.

"I hate to say this, but that made perfect sense," Jongdae finally says. He draws the cup of closer, warming his hands. He's shaking. Baekhyun wants to take him in his arms and apologize, kiss his worries away, whisper in Jongdae's ear, Hey, don't cry. You're ugly when you cry. "I had my chance, and I blew it."

"Nah, I don't think so," he replies, trying to slip back into an easy, more familiar smile. "It was a chance you didn't take, because there's probably something - someone else - better for you out there."

Jongdae furrows his eyebrows at Baekhyun, this time more as an attempt to brush Baekhyun off than an attempt to make sense of things. He takes a sip of the coffee, nods thoughtfully as he tilts the cup some more, and gives Baekhyun a thumbs up after setting the cup back down. Jongdae stares at the liquid for a while before looking back up, eyes much brighter now. This is mask number one, the one Jongdae knows Baekhyun can easily see through; he wears it, anyway. It's not an attempt to save face; it's more of a habit of Jongdae's. At the slightest sign of pain, Jongdae withdraws from the world for a minute, then comes back shiny and new. And broken. Broken but beautiful.

"Who would want a relationship freak like me, though?" Jongdae asks, laughing a little. It comes out as a croak more than music, and he points an accusing finger at Baekhyun as he tries to catch his breath. "No, seriously, who'd want to get into a relationship with someone like me? And nope, you're not setting me up with anyone. Don't you even dare."

I almost did. I almost wanted to be with you forever, Baekhyun wants to reply but decides against it, shrugs in response, but gestures at Jongdae that, "You've got froth on your face. Just there."

Jongdae struggles to find whatever it is that Baekhyun's pointing at, and Baekhyun just laughs as Jongdae only ends up spreading the froth on his skin all the more. He could reach over to wipe it off or kiss it away, but he doesn't. He keeps his hands tucked under his thighs but keeps his eyes on Jongdae, gandering at the sight of the easy, relaxed smile that surfaces on Jongdae's lips as he realizes what Baekhyun has been doing all along. This is familiar. This is friendly. They're friends and they forever will be.

That is as good as it gets.

The comfortable silence eases back late in the evening, on their way to the subway station. Baekhyun can barely make out whatever Jongdae's saying through the scarf wrapped around his neck, covering his mouth, so he moves closer until the words are clearer. "I said, I can walk to the station alone," Jongdae repeats, then sticks out his tongue at Baekhyun. Immediately, he regrets this decision.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "Come on, it's late. You can just stay in my place-"

"Or I can ask Kyungsoo to pick me up, make himself and his car useful or something," Jongdae mumbles in reply.

Baekhyun stops in his tracks and looks to his side, squinting so he can get a better view of Jongdae. "Kyungsoo," he says, voice barely above a whisper, and suddenly he sees an image of Kyungsoo standing beside Jongdae, removing his own scarf and giving it to Jongdae so that Jongdae would stop shivering, Kyungsoo pulling Jongdae close to his side as they cross the street because sometimes, only sometimes, Jongdae doesn't pay attention. Kyungsoo tucking Jongdae in bed, drawing the blanket up to his lips because Jongdae hates it when his lips get cold. "D'you want me to call him so he can pick you up?"

Jongdae turns to him with a frown. "I'm not a kid. I can do that myself."

"Yeah, if you can stop your hands from shaking."

"Dammit," Jongdae says, growling, and stuffs his hands deeper in his pockets. They stop just near the staircase, and Jongdae walks a few steps down until he can't feel the blowing winds anymore. "Tell him to pick me up near the station," he calls out to Baekhyun, and Baekhyun just nods, hiding the grin tugging at the corner of his lips from Jongdae's view.

Kyungsoo sounds like a wreck when he picks up the phone, as he croaks Hello? into the receiver. "Hey Soo, Jongdae says you have to pick him up from Exit 8," Baekhyun says, loud enough for Jongdae to hear. Jongdae's sitting on one of the steps now, rubbing his hands for much needed warmth. It hasn't even been five minutes since they've arrived at the exit point, but Jongdae looks more alive now. "He'll freeze in the cold if he walks on the streets. And he won't stay the night at my place," he adds, voice dropping to a whisper.

Uh, okay. I'm getting ready now. Did you screw up again?

"We had the talk. About Joonmyun."

Silence, some clinking of keys, then, Okay. I'll text you when I'm near. Let's talk about this when I get back home with him.

"Thanks," Baekhyun mumbles. "I owe you."

Just keep him warm for the time being. I'll be there the soonest I can.

The soonest is an hour after. Traffic in Seoul is kinder than the usual and by the time Kyungsoo arrives, Jongdae's cold again from falling asleep on Baekhyun's shoulder. Jongdae doesn't retaliate when they take him to the car and have him lie down at the back, doesn't even mumble or grumble when they bend his legs in an attempt to make him fit inside. "Thanks again," Baekhyun tells Kyungsoo just before Kyungsoo steps inside his car. He's wearing just three layers today, not prepared for Jongdae's fit of cold. He's wearing glasses instead of contact lenses. "I woke you up, didn't I?"

Kyungsoo waves him off and laughs a little. He sounds like sleep and lethargy rolled into one. "Come on, it's nothing. You know I'd head out for-"

"For Jongdae. Anytime. As long as he needs you," Baekhyun finishes. Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows. It looks as if he's squinting and trying to read Baekhyun, and he might as well be doing so - it's cold out here but Baekhyun can't be bothered to build walls around himself, and this is Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo has broken down all of his walls a long, long time ago, even climbed some of them just to meet him halfway. "Am I right?"

"Was I that obvious?" Kyungsoo asks, defeat in the upward curve of his lips as he smiles in exasperation.

"Just a bit," Baekhyun replies, then winks. "But he's dense, so you have to tell him upfront."

"I think we both know that too well," Kyungsoo says, laughing a little.

The wind has stopped blowing, but it's still freezing where they are. Baekhyun bids Kyungsoo goodbye, prepared to turn on his heel and grab a cab to his place when Kyungsoo calls his name, calls out to him even before he can leave. "I promise to make him shiny and new again," Kyungsoo says, and Baekhyun smiles, walking over to where Kyungsoo is to pull him close for a hug.

"And you work on being happy and shiny and new again, too," he whispers just before they part. "Because you're pretty amazing but you're just terribly anti-social, that's why I get all the guys and the girls."

Kyungsoo shrugs, then pinches Baekhyun in his side. "Don't get too cocky. I'll beat you even before you can say supercalifragilistic-"

They both erupt into a peal of laughter loud enough to earn weird looks from the people passing by, loud enough for Jongdae to stir and grumble and say, "What the hell, guys. Shut up." Kyungsoo quickly clasps a hand over their mouths as they try to choke down the laughter, as they slowly take a step back from each other. Kyungsoo's hand is poised on the handle of the door and Baekhyun's got his hands in his pockets. They're eye to eye. They have a mission to accomplish.

"And hey, Baek."

Baekhyun looks up. "Mhmm?"

"Be happy with Joonmyun." Kyungsoo smiles, then shuffles inside his car. "You both deserve to be happy."

The engine roars to life, and Kyungsoo waves at Baekhyun before gripping the steering wheel. "I will," Baekhyun whispers as he watches Kyungsoo drive away. He fishes his phone from his pocket and sees two messages, both from Joonmyun. WOW first non-ot dinner in days and it was AMAZING. didn't know kimchi jjigae could be this goood (^ o ^) Then, much later, i don't know why but i suddenly got the mental image of you as a snow man. is it that cold in garosugil right now?

not as cold :), Baekhyun replies. He can still see Kyungsoo's car in the distance, stopped by the traffic light. Fifteen seconds until a new beginning starts. A minute until twelve midnight.

i can keep you warm~ (^ - ~)

is that an invitation? :P

mm i need a cuddle buddy right now so YES (^___^)v

lol k fyn, ill come ryt over

wow. where's the proper punctuation and spelling? (o____o) i didn't sign up for this!!! ;~~;

Baekhyun chuckles. The hands of the clock move forward. He takes a deep breath and looks ahead, retracing the route to Joonmyun's house in his mind. With a resolute nod, he texts Joonmyun, then takes a step forward.

lol u love me anyway
this is d real me
deal with it ;)

i olredi am (^___^)b

"Maybe this is a bad idea."

Baekhyun slumps back in his chair and buries his face in his hands. Years ago, it probably would have been easier to walk into that room and sing his heart out, but he's not the same man he used to be - he's older now, wiser, more afraid of the smallest of things. He still hasn't lost the child-like enthusiasm for singing, but now that he knows more about tone and technique he's more critical of himself more than anyone else. Always picking on himself, looking for ways to improve his singing - better, more professional, more emotional. He likes to think he's made a great deal of progress since he started posting videos of himself singing online, but he still has a lot to work on.

"No, it isn't." Joonmyun moves closer and takes Baekhyun's hands in his. Baekhyun smiles a little at the warmth, but he keeps his eyes closed, like if he opens them he'll be faced with the reality that he actually wants to make this happen, that he asked for this. "You took a leave for this, didn't you?"

"Minseok didn't even ask twice before signing the leave form-"

"And he didn't even do that, yes." Joonmyun traces the length of Baekhyun's face and lifts his chin a little. Joonmyun chuckles, and Baekhyun slowly opens his eyes. He kind of wants to hit Joonmyun in the face because this - the small smile on the lips, the pleading eyes, Joonmyun rubbing circles lightly on his cheek - he can't say no to or just turn his back on. "And Kyungsoo and Jongdae are asking me to live text to them your audition story, so please go inside?"

"You want me to audition for The Voice just so the three of you can laugh at me?" he says, frowning as he ends. He slaps Joonmyun lightly on the arm.

"No." Joonmyun shakes his head, then cups Baekhyun's face as he leans closer. They're at a slightly darker portion of the big room and everyone around them is preoccupied with their own pieces, belting out notes and practicing before their turn comes. This is both safe and risky, but Baekhyun might as well be taking another risk if he's pushing through with his audition. "I want you to face the judges because I believe in you," Joonmyun says, slowly, as if putting stress on every word. "I believe that you have the voice and the talent to make it to the blind auditions, and to the Battles, and even to the finals."

Baekhyun laughs a little. "You're kidding."

Joonmyun places a light kiss on his nose. "Wrong again. I'm telling the truth."

"Contestant number 398? Is there a 398 in the room?"

Baekhyun bolts up and raises his hand on instinct then quickly retracts his hand, but it's too late; the coordinator has already spotted him and is asking him to approach the door. "I can't do this," he whispers to Joonmyun as he eases the creases on his polo, and Joonmyun gives his hand a light squeeze.

"You can. You can do anything." Joonmyun brushes his lips on the back of Baekhyun's hand just lightly. "Now go, blow them away."

Baekhyun smiles at the coordinator and bows at him. He clenches and unclenches his fists. "Good luck," the coordinator tells him, a smile spread wide on his lips, and Baekhyun looks over his shoulder - looks at Joonmyun, all bright-eyed and big smiles - before taking a step forward. The doors swing open. The lights are blinding. He can hear the cheers of the people behind him, the shouts of Good luck! and You can do it! He can hear Joonmyun's voice in his head, saying, I believe in you.

He can hear himself humming, saying, I'm not afraid. I want this. I'll make this happen.

"Contestant number 398?"

Baekhyun shakes his head lightly and smiles.

"I am Byun Baekhyun."

A/N:
Author's notes:
1. Often, people confuse a media agency for an advertising agency and vice versa. A media agency strictly takes care of media placements - the time slot in which a TV commercial will air, the publication (newspaper, magazine, and the like) in which a print ad will be seen). The classic media agency set up is this - you have your media buyer (the one who "buys" the media placements from suppliers like a major TV network or the local newspaper), your media planner (the one who analyzes the market behavior and recommends which time slots to place ads on), and your account executive (the one who coordinates with everybody). Meanwhile, an advertising agency takes care of the creation of advertisements, be it print, radio plugs, or a TV commercial.
Baekhyun is a communications planning manager, meaning he is the boss of a small team of media planners. He has advanced knowledge of the market behavior and has better understanding of how to draw insights from data. Minseok, meanwhile, is Baekhyun's boss. He's the Planning Director.
The set-up used for the agency Baekhyun and Minseok work for is actually being used in real life. They're working at "MediaCom".
2. Kyungsoo is an art director at the advertising agency "Campaigns & Grey".
3. Jongdae used to work at "Leo Burnett", another advertising agency.
4. Joonmyun's events agency doesn't exist in real life, but the location was taken from the real location of Ogilvy in Korea. Ogilvy is an advertising agency, not an events agency. :)
5. FMCG means "fast-moving consumer goods". These are your haircare, laundry, skincare, and personal care brands. The client Minseok is raging about will remain to be unnamed. ;)

note from the mods: this fic has been revised as of 140122 as per the author's request.

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