(no subject)
this is going to be long and i know i'm not going to get any comments for it but w/e i dont do it for u guys i do it for me. i'm going to tell u this story to tell the one after that.
last night at 4:15 in the morning the tv in the living room turned on by it self and started to play this funeralish music, it was so clear when it happend but its blurry now. then about a min later.. it turned off all by it self. it woke me and my parents up and up intill now i was afraid of why it had happend.
next story
when my mom and i where in nyc we wanted to visit this guy named jody, an old friend of my moms from high school, but being the lazy americans we are we decided to skip seeinghim for coffee, instead we waited n side and played scrabble and ate. all he could tell my mom on the phone was how much he wanted to see me. how much he wanted to see my moms daughter, me. but no we couldnt see him.
he called after we got back in seattle and said how he was goign to visit seattle because he wanted to see me and visit with my mom who was his first love and he was my moms first love.
nexxt story.
my mom told me in the car on the way back from crew, that jody had died in his sleep. from a brain thing. basically he had a bad head ach, went to sleep and the head ach killed him in his sleep. he was in no pain but his wife woke up in the morning to a uncancous husband, she rushed him to the hospital but it was to late, he had died. he left behind 3 children and a wife.
i cant help but feeling so bad about this and i dont know why.
i told you the tv story because i have come to the conclusion that it was jody, saying good bye to his first love, my mom and saying hi to me for he had never seen me before but wanted to very much. as i'm writing this entry i just i don tkonw something really weird is happening to me and i dont kown wat it is. i think i want my old life back.
its weird because the tv woke me up wbu ti was having a dream wiht mimi and sara and it was the old days when we where all fun together and not awkard and it was just so much fun. but those days are gone and i dont konw why. everything has just been happing so fast and i dont want it to. i realized the real reason why i smoke pot. it is because it slows life down. for the 2 1/2 -3 hours i'm not rushing around worrying aobut money or school or friends or anything i'm just me. i know its a bad thing to ddo to run away like that, but its what i do/did.
my mom i feel so bad for her. she hasnt shown any emotion twords this at all and its making me even more sad. why am i crying over a guy i never even met? so many emotions you all cant even capture. i just want somebody to talk to. not a shrink. i want someone who i can talk to and just i konw they konw how i feel and i konw how they feel. right now i dont have that, i dont htink i ever WILL have that. but i konw i want it.
it keeps coming back into my mind, what i could do and what i should do with all these feelings, i want to say i can choose the right decission but i cant. becasue i dont even konw what that is.
i'm afriad of life, but i'm afraid of death so where do i go now?
so many people have it worse then me i just gotta suck it up and understand how worse other people have it.
last night at 4:15 in the morning the tv in the living room turned on by it self and started to play this funeralish music, it was so clear when it happend but its blurry now. then about a min later.. it turned off all by it self. it woke me and my parents up and up intill now i was afraid of why it had happend.
next story
when my mom and i where in nyc we wanted to visit this guy named jody, an old friend of my moms from high school, but being the lazy americans we are we decided to skip seeinghim for coffee, instead we waited n side and played scrabble and ate. all he could tell my mom on the phone was how much he wanted to see me. how much he wanted to see my moms daughter, me. but no we couldnt see him.
he called after we got back in seattle and said how he was goign to visit seattle because he wanted to see me and visit with my mom who was his first love and he was my moms first love.
nexxt story.
my mom told me in the car on the way back from crew, that jody had died in his sleep. from a brain thing. basically he had a bad head ach, went to sleep and the head ach killed him in his sleep. he was in no pain but his wife woke up in the morning to a uncancous husband, she rushed him to the hospital but it was to late, he had died. he left behind 3 children and a wife.
i cant help but feeling so bad about this and i dont know why.
i told you the tv story because i have come to the conclusion that it was jody, saying good bye to his first love, my mom and saying hi to me for he had never seen me before but wanted to very much. as i'm writing this entry i just i don tkonw something really weird is happening to me and i dont kown wat it is. i think i want my old life back.
its weird because the tv woke me up wbu ti was having a dream wiht mimi and sara and it was the old days when we where all fun together and not awkard and it was just so much fun. but those days are gone and i dont konw why. everything has just been happing so fast and i dont want it to. i realized the real reason why i smoke pot. it is because it slows life down. for the 2 1/2 -3 hours i'm not rushing around worrying aobut money or school or friends or anything i'm just me. i know its a bad thing to ddo to run away like that, but its what i do/did.
my mom i feel so bad for her. she hasnt shown any emotion twords this at all and its making me even more sad. why am i crying over a guy i never even met? so many emotions you all cant even capture. i just want somebody to talk to. not a shrink. i want someone who i can talk to and just i konw they konw how i feel and i konw how they feel. right now i dont have that, i dont htink i ever WILL have that. but i konw i want it.
it keeps coming back into my mind, what i could do and what i should do with all these feelings, i want to say i can choose the right decission but i cant. becasue i dont even konw what that is.
i'm afriad of life, but i'm afraid of death so where do i go now?
so many people have it worse then me i just gotta suck it up and understand how worse other people have it.