(no subject)
i can be qualified as clinically depressed in one week time if this sadness inside me continues. psychologists have been applying this assumption on this matter since 20,000 years ago [an exxagerration amount based on 24 hour party people]: if a person suffers from a number of gloomy symptoms for approximately 14 days in a row, he or she can be considered as to having depressive disorders.
i took depression self-rating tests and my scores [heck, scores? like "score! i'm depressed!" it is not something that one should be cheered up upon suffering from it, not if i am fronting a goth-rock band or anything significant] were mostly severe.
not that i have no one to talk to: i have shamine who had always been screaming at me in complete irritation whenever i cried infront of her. but since she had known telepathically what goes on at the back of my head, she would end up crying with me, cursing the cause of my sadness. i sometimes have adriana, if ever i get the chance to be with her alone [which can only be the phone nowadays] and she optimistically told me that i would get over things once i am adjusted to new routines. the rest may be able to sense how unstable i had been only if they really do posess the ability to tune in with their intuition because the reality is: i am not just missing someone, it goes deeper than that alone.
optimism does not do anything. i cannot apply that to what i am feeling now- i feel like i lost half of my entity. i lost so much, i just have my body discreetly. inside, it is total emptiness. and these people i mentioned cannot help me physically for sure. i appreciate all the support emotional-wise but truthfully, i do not feel like i have been helped so far. i mean no offence to both shamine and adriana, but i cannot even help myself but to feel defeated and hopeless, no matter how much optimism that had been piled up on to my ears.
i thought i would feel much better if i just stay home with my family. but i have been with them for only 24 hours, and still i feel no better than being alone trapped in my hostel bedroom. i often feel sorry and guilty if ever i see my parents- they just do not know what i have done to myself and what is going on with me. they might take a hint but not much. i can put on an act whenever i want to, complain on minor things like the old shana would always do, but in between words i feel nothing but sadness.
and tonight i know for sure: i will be back in my hostel, locking myself in the bedroom, crying on my bed, not being able to sleep, having these ugly thoughts in my head, going for sociology class lethargically, be back in my bedroom in no time and cry again. like shamine said, i should at least go for a medical examination on my own, get some anti-depressant pills and shut up. i can whenever i feel like doing so but one thing: these feet would not even budge that far.
i took depression self-rating tests and my scores [heck, scores? like "score! i'm depressed!" it is not something that one should be cheered up upon suffering from it, not if i am fronting a goth-rock band or anything significant] were mostly severe.
not that i have no one to talk to: i have shamine who had always been screaming at me in complete irritation whenever i cried infront of her. but since she had known telepathically what goes on at the back of my head, she would end up crying with me, cursing the cause of my sadness. i sometimes have adriana, if ever i get the chance to be with her alone [which can only be the phone nowadays] and she optimistically told me that i would get over things once i am adjusted to new routines. the rest may be able to sense how unstable i had been only if they really do posess the ability to tune in with their intuition because the reality is: i am not just missing someone, it goes deeper than that alone.
optimism does not do anything. i cannot apply that to what i am feeling now- i feel like i lost half of my entity. i lost so much, i just have my body discreetly. inside, it is total emptiness. and these people i mentioned cannot help me physically for sure. i appreciate all the support emotional-wise but truthfully, i do not feel like i have been helped so far. i mean no offence to both shamine and adriana, but i cannot even help myself but to feel defeated and hopeless, no matter how much optimism that had been piled up on to my ears.
i thought i would feel much better if i just stay home with my family. but i have been with them for only 24 hours, and still i feel no better than being alone trapped in my hostel bedroom. i often feel sorry and guilty if ever i see my parents- they just do not know what i have done to myself and what is going on with me. they might take a hint but not much. i can put on an act whenever i want to, complain on minor things like the old shana would always do, but in between words i feel nothing but sadness.
and tonight i know for sure: i will be back in my hostel, locking myself in the bedroom, crying on my bed, not being able to sleep, having these ugly thoughts in my head, going for sociology class lethargically, be back in my bedroom in no time and cry again. like shamine said, i should at least go for a medical examination on my own, get some anti-depressant pills and shut up. i can whenever i feel like doing so but one thing: these feet would not even budge that far.