AWOL
I know I've been AWOL or MIA or whatever you want to call it. But this semester was actually my most stressful so far. Three English classes, production of a magazine, a science lab... just a lot to do. But I'm all done now and in a week I start working for the Miami Herald. I'm slightly nervous, but not really... I'm mainly nervous because I'll be downtown in a big city I don't know at all. But it will all workout okay. It's a big step for me... a big media company... a big newspaper... I'll be working with people who are experts in their field that I am definitely an amateur in .. but that's all part of being an intern. I hope I have fun and learn a lot, but I'm sure I will.
Other than that, I can proudly say that I've come out of this semester with much more knowledge, skill, and expertise than any other semester before. I've read Bronte, Shelley, Dickens, Eliot, and become exposed to some of the best Jewish-American authors out there (Saul Bellow, Philip Roth, Henry Roth, and more) I thoroughly enjoyed both my Brit Lit and my Jewish-American fiction class the most. It was all some of the best literature I have ever read. Plus, I pretty much got to design an entire magazine, which will be published at the end of August.
I've fallen in love with magazine design. I just have the eye for it, and I can work on it for hours. I spent about a week in the computer labs putting it all together, mainly by myself since most of the other designers bailed on me. Even though I was slightly ticked off by other people's laziness, I actually am quite happy, because I'm making sure everything's done right and going to look amazing. The magazine will be a fantastic addition to my portfolio. I'm starting to think how amazing it would be to work for a really and popular magazine. But the field is so competitive and intimidating.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. Ana graduated and left for New Jersey. Although I've only known her for a few years, I can definitely say that she is currently my best friend. I know that she has more friends than me, but I really don't have too many... especially since I came to college, and we just became very close--even though we didn't see each other every day. I think this was the first time that I really got depressed about saying goodbye to someone, well excluding the days when Jim and I were long-distance and also when my mom left to Ohio.
I guess it was the overall circumstances of yesterday that hit me hard. I had been working my ass off all week and hadn't really had time to just relax, so Friday night, I was exhausted but still went out with friends to spend some final time with them. But on Saturday, Jim left early for Pensacola to visit a friend while I went to graduation. It was kind of weird hanging with Ana's family and friends because I didn't know them and yet I felt like I did all at the same time. It actually made me feel like I sometimes feel around my own family. Whenever I'm around my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. it's just weird. There's that blood connection there because they are my family, but at the same time, I didn't grow up with them so it's always awkward.
The other night while I was in the labs until 1 am, the night tech guy came in to keep me company and we talked for about an hour. He said something like "You look like you're a really family-oriented person" .. or at least I'm sure he was assuming that because I'm Latin. But I told him that I really wasn't. However, I did explain to him that I feel like ever since my family split, it's weird how I have been slowly becoming more family oriented. I think maybe it has to do with growing up and becoming an adult. Or maybe it's that whole move from the ego to the superego. Thanks, Dr. Freud. But in someways I think I always felt a little alienated from my whole family... I isolated myself because I wanted what I wanted and that's all that mattered.
But as I've gotten older, I realize how much I want certain connections. I want to live close to all my family members when I get older. I want myself and Jim to learn Spanish so we can get in touch with that aspect of my life and culture. And more and more I've been realizing that I really am like my family, or at least certain members of it. I guess I always felt that they didn't really embrace me. I knew they understood my personality, which can be very strong and abrasive from time to time, but I never thought they appreciated and enjoyed it. I think I'm seeing things differently.
For my final project in Adolescent Literature, I wrote the first few chapters of a book... a semi-autobiographical account of my parent's divorce from my point of view. It was actually much harder to write than I thought it would be. And to some extent, it was pretty cathartic. When I got the project back, I read it again and started to realize that it was actually good. And I felt like I should finish it. I’m not necessarily interested in the idea of finishing it as a novel for publication or anything like that, because I don’t think anyone would really want to read it, but for me it’s more about putting my life on paper. I was holding the folder with the pages in my hand and it just felt good that it existed. That there was a tiny little tangible piece of my life that I could return to whenever I wanted (even if it was slightly fictionalized - Jim doesn’t really exist in most of the fiction I write because he and our relationship are just too complicated to explain in a short story without sounding cheesy).
Anyway, how did I get onto this subject… oh yeah, so anyway, after graduation, I hugged Ana for the last time I could in God knows how long and went home. Jim wasn’t there, I was all by myself, and all of my other friends and everyone else I knew in the city was gone for break.
For once, I could relax after a 24/7 busy week. And when I took a breath and sat town, it just felt like the world stopped turning and I was alone… It sounds really cheesy and dramatic. I didn’t cry or anything like that…in fact, I don’t even think I cried at my own high school graduation when I left home and all of my friends. For me, it takes a while for things to sink it and put the pieces together.
But I was sad that Ana was gone, and actually a little pissed off and scared. Mad because I feel like I didn’t get to take advantage of her friendship as much as I should have (I was so busy all semester that we didn’t get to see each other much) and scared because I really don’t find good friends so easily. I don’t have a problem meeting people, but it’s very rare that I find someone that I unconditionally care about and have extreme fun with at the same time. And I was scared that I wouldn’t really find that again, or at least any time soon.
Don’t get me wrong… I have really, really good friends from high school that I still talk to, but the funny thing is, they are all guys. Ana was my first real girlfriend. The first girlfriend who knew about me and my relationship with Jim and about my personality.
But on the flipside, I’m so happy that she’s finally getting to move in with her fiancé and start embarking on a career and do all the other crazy, wonderful stuff she’s been wanting to do. I remember how miserable I was just waiting for the day when Jim and I could actually be together and I could come to college and study. Moving to UF with Jim was the happiest day of my life, so I’m glad she gets to experience the same thing.
And at least I’m happy that I think we will keep in touch. There are maybe two people from my past that I’ve kept in touch with (actively and frequently) over the past few years, and I’ll be glad to add her to the list.
Anyway… Jim’s still in Pensacola and probably won’t come home until tomorrow, so I have the rest of the night all to myself. Not sure what I’ll do with it. I’ve been cleaning, watching PBS, and I’ve already had my coffee for the day.
And I feel like watching a musical...
All right, well, I guess that’s enough for today. Hopefully I won’t forget to write for so long again.
Other than that, I can proudly say that I've come out of this semester with much more knowledge, skill, and expertise than any other semester before. I've read Bronte, Shelley, Dickens, Eliot, and become exposed to some of the best Jewish-American authors out there (Saul Bellow, Philip Roth, Henry Roth, and more) I thoroughly enjoyed both my Brit Lit and my Jewish-American fiction class the most. It was all some of the best literature I have ever read. Plus, I pretty much got to design an entire magazine, which will be published at the end of August.
I've fallen in love with magazine design. I just have the eye for it, and I can work on it for hours. I spent about a week in the computer labs putting it all together, mainly by myself since most of the other designers bailed on me. Even though I was slightly ticked off by other people's laziness, I actually am quite happy, because I'm making sure everything's done right and going to look amazing. The magazine will be a fantastic addition to my portfolio. I'm starting to think how amazing it would be to work for a really and popular magazine. But the field is so competitive and intimidating.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. Ana graduated and left for New Jersey. Although I've only known her for a few years, I can definitely say that she is currently my best friend. I know that she has more friends than me, but I really don't have too many... especially since I came to college, and we just became very close--even though we didn't see each other every day. I think this was the first time that I really got depressed about saying goodbye to someone, well excluding the days when Jim and I were long-distance and also when my mom left to Ohio.
I guess it was the overall circumstances of yesterday that hit me hard. I had been working my ass off all week and hadn't really had time to just relax, so Friday night, I was exhausted but still went out with friends to spend some final time with them. But on Saturday, Jim left early for Pensacola to visit a friend while I went to graduation. It was kind of weird hanging with Ana's family and friends because I didn't know them and yet I felt like I did all at the same time. It actually made me feel like I sometimes feel around my own family. Whenever I'm around my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. it's just weird. There's that blood connection there because they are my family, but at the same time, I didn't grow up with them so it's always awkward.
The other night while I was in the labs until 1 am, the night tech guy came in to keep me company and we talked for about an hour. He said something like "You look like you're a really family-oriented person" .. or at least I'm sure he was assuming that because I'm Latin. But I told him that I really wasn't. However, I did explain to him that I feel like ever since my family split, it's weird how I have been slowly becoming more family oriented. I think maybe it has to do with growing up and becoming an adult. Or maybe it's that whole move from the ego to the superego. Thanks, Dr. Freud. But in someways I think I always felt a little alienated from my whole family... I isolated myself because I wanted what I wanted and that's all that mattered.
But as I've gotten older, I realize how much I want certain connections. I want to live close to all my family members when I get older. I want myself and Jim to learn Spanish so we can get in touch with that aspect of my life and culture. And more and more I've been realizing that I really am like my family, or at least certain members of it. I guess I always felt that they didn't really embrace me. I knew they understood my personality, which can be very strong and abrasive from time to time, but I never thought they appreciated and enjoyed it. I think I'm seeing things differently.
For my final project in Adolescent Literature, I wrote the first few chapters of a book... a semi-autobiographical account of my parent's divorce from my point of view. It was actually much harder to write than I thought it would be. And to some extent, it was pretty cathartic. When I got the project back, I read it again and started to realize that it was actually good. And I felt like I should finish it. I’m not necessarily interested in the idea of finishing it as a novel for publication or anything like that, because I don’t think anyone would really want to read it, but for me it’s more about putting my life on paper. I was holding the folder with the pages in my hand and it just felt good that it existed. That there was a tiny little tangible piece of my life that I could return to whenever I wanted (even if it was slightly fictionalized - Jim doesn’t really exist in most of the fiction I write because he and our relationship are just too complicated to explain in a short story without sounding cheesy).
Anyway, how did I get onto this subject… oh yeah, so anyway, after graduation, I hugged Ana for the last time I could in God knows how long and went home. Jim wasn’t there, I was all by myself, and all of my other friends and everyone else I knew in the city was gone for break.
For once, I could relax after a 24/7 busy week. And when I took a breath and sat town, it just felt like the world stopped turning and I was alone… It sounds really cheesy and dramatic. I didn’t cry or anything like that…in fact, I don’t even think I cried at my own high school graduation when I left home and all of my friends. For me, it takes a while for things to sink it and put the pieces together.
But I was sad that Ana was gone, and actually a little pissed off and scared. Mad because I feel like I didn’t get to take advantage of her friendship as much as I should have (I was so busy all semester that we didn’t get to see each other much) and scared because I really don’t find good friends so easily. I don’t have a problem meeting people, but it’s very rare that I find someone that I unconditionally care about and have extreme fun with at the same time. And I was scared that I wouldn’t really find that again, or at least any time soon.
Don’t get me wrong… I have really, really good friends from high school that I still talk to, but the funny thing is, they are all guys. Ana was my first real girlfriend. The first girlfriend who knew about me and my relationship with Jim and about my personality.
But on the flipside, I’m so happy that she’s finally getting to move in with her fiancé and start embarking on a career and do all the other crazy, wonderful stuff she’s been wanting to do. I remember how miserable I was just waiting for the day when Jim and I could actually be together and I could come to college and study. Moving to UF with Jim was the happiest day of my life, so I’m glad she gets to experience the same thing.
And at least I’m happy that I think we will keep in touch. There are maybe two people from my past that I’ve kept in touch with (actively and frequently) over the past few years, and I’ll be glad to add her to the list.
Anyway… Jim’s still in Pensacola and probably won’t come home until tomorrow, so I have the rest of the night all to myself. Not sure what I’ll do with it. I’ve been cleaning, watching PBS, and I’ve already had my coffee for the day.
And I feel like watching a musical...
All right, well, I guess that’s enough for today. Hopefully I won’t forget to write for so long again.