Spring Break
I really needed this break, and even though it's been pretty uneventful, I've been enjoying it. I've worked a little, cleaned a lot, and relaxed. I've also been trying to slowly get ahead in my school work. Not sure how successful that's been so far, but I'm still working at it... and I still have a few days left.
I am a little worried that I'm getting sick though, which would be absolutely horrible. I have one month of school left and so so so much work coming up and I just don't want to waste time being out of commission.
I just finished putting together a massive to-do list... because, well, I know I've mentioned how I like crossing things off. But yeah, it's pretty long. Granted, I have a month to do it all, and I actually want to do all of the things on it, but it's one of those situations where everything this overwhelming and you don't know where to start.
Plus, I'm constantly slightly worried about the whole job thing. For some reason, reading anything on Ed2010 always makes me depressed and reading posts on AngryJournalist makes me happy... maybe I am just a pessimist.
In the end, I'm excited that in a month everything in my life (except for the most important constant) will be changing, but at the same time, I'm one of those people who gets really antsy by not knowing exactly what's going to be happening. I am a self-admitted control freak, and the older I get the more I realize it.
I will say though, what's great about being a control freak can be the moments when you surrender to or rely on someone else. It can be so different and exhilarating... yet frightening. Like jumping off of a cliff. Although I would never do anything like that.
Oh man, since I was just thinking about the idea of risking my life, I remembered my drive to Orlando airport the other weekend. I had to pick up Jim from his returning flight from Houston. That day, Florida was covered all day by intense storm bands. The red and yellow ones on the dopplar radar that have the capability of producing tornadoes and such. Jim's flight just happened to get in that afternoon. Of course, it was delayed a few hours, although not because of the storms, but because they accidentally over-fueled the plane, had to switch terminals, and plenty of other shenanigans. It was raining pretty bad all day, so I was glad to have the few hours of delay, hoping that the storms would pass.
By the time 9:30 comes around, I have to leave if I want to get there on time, although I promised both Jim and my mom that if I ever felt uncomfortable or if it was raining too bad, I would just get off at an exist and wait at a restaurant for a few hours or something.
The trip started off ok (it's a two-hour drive), but by the time I hit Micanopy, the rain was so bad and there were no lights on the side of the highway that I started to freak out. I had to take deep breaths and repeat an inner mantra to myself... although this mantra kept wavering from "You can do this" to "Oh my god, I can't do this."
However, but the time I actually go to the next exit, the rain had lightened up, and things were manageable. I was still bothered by the insane truckers and sports cars zooming by me at 70 mph in torrential downpour... but I'm not used to driving higher than 50 mph outside Gainesville... I just don't drive on highways because of the way the city is set up.
So since it cleared up, I continued on... only to have the rain pick up again, with the next exit nowhere in sight.
The whole night was a rollercoaster for me, both in weather situations and in my emotions. I just couldn't wait to get to the airport and see Jim and have him take the wheel. This is one area that I am not the "ultimate" control freak. I'm plenty'a passenger-seat driver, but still...
At one point, there was a white van in front of me going pretty fast, swerving between lanes narrowed by construction in the blinding rain. He veered off so much near an exit that he was approaching the pointed barrel and guide rail separating the main road from the exit. I definitely had some sort of exclamatory reaction when he almost hit it, but at the last moment, he swerved and made it out the exit. Thank goodness... and Thank God he wasn't in front of me anymore.
Despite everything, I made it to the airport, gave Jim a big hug, and let him take over. When I hugged him, I just wanted to burst into tear to be standing on solid ground and not moving at high speeds. But then for the drive back...
He didn't have it half as bad as I did, and I could tell he was having a hard time, at least until we made it past Ocala and things cleared up.
Moral to the story: I was proud of myself for controlling myself and being careful and making it there. C'mon, it was just driving in the rain, you say? Well, first of all.. it was pretty bad rain dammit. Second of all, this was a very important experience for me. I'm convinced that it will help me because I was forced to relive and work though some of my "trauma."
Ever since I was hit head-on by a drunk driver in July 2004 and my car was totaled, I've had a really hard time driving and even being a passenger. Part of it has to do with the fact that Jim's car is so small and low to the ground, but I've definitely had a few freakout moments on longer car trips on highways. I have to look away or knit while I'm in the car so that I can't see out the windows or see cars moving past or their headlights.
It really sucks. This isn't me being a wimp. I used to be able to drive two hours early mornings and late nights on the busy highways and interstates of downtown Houston without thinking twice. I didn't think twice about speeding up on the entrance ramp of the freeway. In short - I was a normal human being just commuting daily.
But after the accident, which was only scary after the fact considering it happened so quickly, all I remember is seeing huge headlights in my windshield and then feeling a burning sensation on my lip (a burn from the airbag), seeing smoke (really just powder and chemicals from the airbag), trying to open the doors that were jammed, and then crawling out of the back seat and picking myself up in the middle of an intersection in the middle of the night - with stunned onlookers.
So, I think whenever my eyes and brain see the movement of cars in front or to the side to me, they cause my body and mind to have the instant reaction... like I've been reprogrammed to assess all future situations against that one accident before proceeding to the next option.
Yet, here I am, still alive and safe and sound... and I think I'm getting better. Maybe next time I have to drive in a city of obstacles, both natural and man-made, I'll be one step closer to my original self.
I am a little worried that I'm getting sick though, which would be absolutely horrible. I have one month of school left and so so so much work coming up and I just don't want to waste time being out of commission.
I just finished putting together a massive to-do list... because, well, I know I've mentioned how I like crossing things off. But yeah, it's pretty long. Granted, I have a month to do it all, and I actually want to do all of the things on it, but it's one of those situations where everything this overwhelming and you don't know where to start.
Plus, I'm constantly slightly worried about the whole job thing. For some reason, reading anything on Ed2010 always makes me depressed and reading posts on AngryJournalist makes me happy... maybe I am just a pessimist.
In the end, I'm excited that in a month everything in my life (except for the most important constant) will be changing, but at the same time, I'm one of those people who gets really antsy by not knowing exactly what's going to be happening. I am a self-admitted control freak, and the older I get the more I realize it.
I will say though, what's great about being a control freak can be the moments when you surrender to or rely on someone else. It can be so different and exhilarating... yet frightening. Like jumping off of a cliff. Although I would never do anything like that.
Oh man, since I was just thinking about the idea of risking my life, I remembered my drive to Orlando airport the other weekend. I had to pick up Jim from his returning flight from Houston. That day, Florida was covered all day by intense storm bands. The red and yellow ones on the dopplar radar that have the capability of producing tornadoes and such. Jim's flight just happened to get in that afternoon. Of course, it was delayed a few hours, although not because of the storms, but because they accidentally over-fueled the plane, had to switch terminals, and plenty of other shenanigans. It was raining pretty bad all day, so I was glad to have the few hours of delay, hoping that the storms would pass.
By the time 9:30 comes around, I have to leave if I want to get there on time, although I promised both Jim and my mom that if I ever felt uncomfortable or if it was raining too bad, I would just get off at an exist and wait at a restaurant for a few hours or something.
The trip started off ok (it's a two-hour drive), but by the time I hit Micanopy, the rain was so bad and there were no lights on the side of the highway that I started to freak out. I had to take deep breaths and repeat an inner mantra to myself... although this mantra kept wavering from "You can do this" to "Oh my god, I can't do this."
However, but the time I actually go to the next exit, the rain had lightened up, and things were manageable. I was still bothered by the insane truckers and sports cars zooming by me at 70 mph in torrential downpour... but I'm not used to driving higher than 50 mph outside Gainesville... I just don't drive on highways because of the way the city is set up.
So since it cleared up, I continued on... only to have the rain pick up again, with the next exit nowhere in sight.
The whole night was a rollercoaster for me, both in weather situations and in my emotions. I just couldn't wait to get to the airport and see Jim and have him take the wheel. This is one area that I am not the "ultimate" control freak. I'm plenty'a passenger-seat driver, but still...
At one point, there was a white van in front of me going pretty fast, swerving between lanes narrowed by construction in the blinding rain. He veered off so much near an exit that he was approaching the pointed barrel and guide rail separating the main road from the exit. I definitely had some sort of exclamatory reaction when he almost hit it, but at the last moment, he swerved and made it out the exit. Thank goodness... and Thank God he wasn't in front of me anymore.
Despite everything, I made it to the airport, gave Jim a big hug, and let him take over. When I hugged him, I just wanted to burst into tear to be standing on solid ground and not moving at high speeds. But then for the drive back...
He didn't have it half as bad as I did, and I could tell he was having a hard time, at least until we made it past Ocala and things cleared up.
Moral to the story: I was proud of myself for controlling myself and being careful and making it there. C'mon, it was just driving in the rain, you say? Well, first of all.. it was pretty bad rain dammit. Second of all, this was a very important experience for me. I'm convinced that it will help me because I was forced to relive and work though some of my "trauma."
Ever since I was hit head-on by a drunk driver in July 2004 and my car was totaled, I've had a really hard time driving and even being a passenger. Part of it has to do with the fact that Jim's car is so small and low to the ground, but I've definitely had a few freakout moments on longer car trips on highways. I have to look away or knit while I'm in the car so that I can't see out the windows or see cars moving past or their headlights.
It really sucks. This isn't me being a wimp. I used to be able to drive two hours early mornings and late nights on the busy highways and interstates of downtown Houston without thinking twice. I didn't think twice about speeding up on the entrance ramp of the freeway. In short - I was a normal human being just commuting daily.
But after the accident, which was only scary after the fact considering it happened so quickly, all I remember is seeing huge headlights in my windshield and then feeling a burning sensation on my lip (a burn from the airbag), seeing smoke (really just powder and chemicals from the airbag), trying to open the doors that were jammed, and then crawling out of the back seat and picking myself up in the middle of an intersection in the middle of the night - with stunned onlookers.
So, I think whenever my eyes and brain see the movement of cars in front or to the side to me, they cause my body and mind to have the instant reaction... like I've been reprogrammed to assess all future situations against that one accident before proceeding to the next option.
Yet, here I am, still alive and safe and sound... and I think I'm getting better. Maybe next time I have to drive in a city of obstacles, both natural and man-made, I'll be one step closer to my original self.