Happy Halloween!
Yesterday I was sick with nausea, fever, and an upset stomach. So, I wasn't very busy. I worked on some Algebra, but mostly I laid around. Maybe it was because of the idle time, but I was having a lot of cravings for cigarettes. Even with as bad as I felt! Which made me think about how, when I used to be sick, I would often still smoke. Even though it made me feel even worse. Sometimes it was a juggle between which felt worse, the sickness or the craving for nicotine. When I am going through nicotine withdrawal it physically hurts my body, I shake, and I feel sick. I familiar with the feeling because of the many time I have "quit". Every time I go through it, I tell myself I will never do that to myself again, but before I know it a moment of anxiety or drunkenness hits and I'm lighting up. Just one! Just one at first then I'm right back to a pack a day in no time. I battled this very dilemma in my dreams last night.
Halloween is a big holiday for us. My husband, my friends, our families, and myself love dressing up in costumes. So much, that we even have theme parties throughout the year. Halloween is the big one though. Every year we throw a big bash and costume is unspokenly required. In fact, one feels dumb if they show up sans costume. We haven't really nailed down what we are doing to be this year. Last year we were garden gnomes. We've really got to start thinking about it. That must have been somewhere in the back of my mind last night.
Dream
It was the day of our Halloween party and things were not going so well for old Heather. My house was a mess. People were already showing up, I was frantically cleaning, and trying to get the food in order. People kept talking to me. I love seeing everyone, but they weren't helping my productivity any. I wasn't even in costume yet! That was when it hit me that I didn't even have a costume planned. I was standing over my sink contemplating my options. I could be a gnome again, but let's face it, being the same thing two years in a row is a disgrace! Then it hit me! I could be a "vagrant". In my dream mind, this meant old, mismatched clothes, crazy messed up hair, and a little dirt on my face. Viola! Ok, it wasn't the best idea, but I was grasping for straws here. As I was coming up with this grand plan a boy I had a writing class with last fall with came up to me. I thought it was a little odd to see him considering he wasn't invited, but as I have said before, you can't have to big of a party. I was welcoming him and he explained that our email invite was forward to him. It was apparently being passed around. Made sense to me. I mean, we do throw a kick ass party. It turns out he had coming on a mission to profess his teenage love for me. This boy couldn't have been more then 19. I explained to him that I was married and that I was sorry, but he was more then welcome to stay for the party. A decision I later regretted because he was on my heels for the majority of the rest of my dream.
He faded into the background as I gave myself a smirk and a mental pat on the back. You still got it old girl! People were now pouring in, drinking, and making merriment. I had done my best to get the party thrown together. Everyone was having fun except for me. That needed to change. I headed upstairs to throw together my vagrant costume. There were a bunch of people in my Master Bathroom whooping it up as they filled my 2 person jacuzzi bath up. I could see where this was going and it involved a wet floor. I didn't really care though. This was a party and I am no fun squasher. My friend Nikki was their looking rather concerned. I reassured her that it was no big deal and made fast for my closet. I had found an old ripped up sweatshirt and was trying to find some equally crappy sweatpants when I heard a knock at the door.
I stuck my head out of the closet and asked NIkki if she would tend to the door. I found some sweat pants and was heading to the bathroom to do my hair when Nikki came back and reported that it had been the police at the door. I was a little angry because I knew damn well there was no reason for them to be crashing my party. There certainly wasn't a noise complaint. We live in the middle of nowhere. "It wasn't that," Nikki explained, "They are just going around to see what all is going on tonight so that they can plan ahead." Well, isn't that just great! I internally sneered. I was still fiddleing with my hair. I was trying to fashion it into 2 lopsided pigtails, but couldn't achieve a messy, craziness that was to my liking. I didn't really need a mirror to make my hair look terrible so I headed downstairs. At the bottom of the steps I found the teenage ego booster from before. He wanted to talk to me so I offered to show him around the house as I kept messing with my hair. We ended our quick tour in the kitchen. I told him I had to get a drink then I was going to go outside to put some dirt on my face. Which was all that I needed to complete my stellar costume and that I would meet him outside by the fire. As I was pouring my drink it hit me. This is too soon for me to be at a party. Everybody is going to be smoking! I am going to want to smoke and it is going to drive me crazy. Maybe I shouldn't drink! I was frozen, cup in hand, facing the ice machine, wondering what to do. I don't want to smoke. I do want to have a drink. Quitting smoking is killing all of my fun. No, no, my addiction is making my life hard and that's just how it is going to be and I have to deal with it. I resolved to at least have one drink and see how I feel. But, that feeling of wordiness, knowing that if I had a slip in judgement and smoked even one cigarette it would all be over was still with me. I woke.
Halloween is a big holiday for us. My husband, my friends, our families, and myself love dressing up in costumes. So much, that we even have theme parties throughout the year. Halloween is the big one though. Every year we throw a big bash and costume is unspokenly required. In fact, one feels dumb if they show up sans costume. We haven't really nailed down what we are doing to be this year. Last year we were garden gnomes. We've really got to start thinking about it. That must have been somewhere in the back of my mind last night.
Dream
It was the day of our Halloween party and things were not going so well for old Heather. My house was a mess. People were already showing up, I was frantically cleaning, and trying to get the food in order. People kept talking to me. I love seeing everyone, but they weren't helping my productivity any. I wasn't even in costume yet! That was when it hit me that I didn't even have a costume planned. I was standing over my sink contemplating my options. I could be a gnome again, but let's face it, being the same thing two years in a row is a disgrace! Then it hit me! I could be a "vagrant". In my dream mind, this meant old, mismatched clothes, crazy messed up hair, and a little dirt on my face. Viola! Ok, it wasn't the best idea, but I was grasping for straws here. As I was coming up with this grand plan a boy I had a writing class with last fall with came up to me. I thought it was a little odd to see him considering he wasn't invited, but as I have said before, you can't have to big of a party. I was welcoming him and he explained that our email invite was forward to him. It was apparently being passed around. Made sense to me. I mean, we do throw a kick ass party. It turns out he had coming on a mission to profess his teenage love for me. This boy couldn't have been more then 19. I explained to him that I was married and that I was sorry, but he was more then welcome to stay for the party. A decision I later regretted because he was on my heels for the majority of the rest of my dream.
He faded into the background as I gave myself a smirk and a mental pat on the back. You still got it old girl! People were now pouring in, drinking, and making merriment. I had done my best to get the party thrown together. Everyone was having fun except for me. That needed to change. I headed upstairs to throw together my vagrant costume. There were a bunch of people in my Master Bathroom whooping it up as they filled my 2 person jacuzzi bath up. I could see where this was going and it involved a wet floor. I didn't really care though. This was a party and I am no fun squasher. My friend Nikki was their looking rather concerned. I reassured her that it was no big deal and made fast for my closet. I had found an old ripped up sweatshirt and was trying to find some equally crappy sweatpants when I heard a knock at the door.
I stuck my head out of the closet and asked NIkki if she would tend to the door. I found some sweat pants and was heading to the bathroom to do my hair when Nikki came back and reported that it had been the police at the door. I was a little angry because I knew damn well there was no reason for them to be crashing my party. There certainly wasn't a noise complaint. We live in the middle of nowhere. "It wasn't that," Nikki explained, "They are just going around to see what all is going on tonight so that they can plan ahead." Well, isn't that just great! I internally sneered. I was still fiddleing with my hair. I was trying to fashion it into 2 lopsided pigtails, but couldn't achieve a messy, craziness that was to my liking. I didn't really need a mirror to make my hair look terrible so I headed downstairs. At the bottom of the steps I found the teenage ego booster from before. He wanted to talk to me so I offered to show him around the house as I kept messing with my hair. We ended our quick tour in the kitchen. I told him I had to get a drink then I was going to go outside to put some dirt on my face. Which was all that I needed to complete my stellar costume and that I would meet him outside by the fire. As I was pouring my drink it hit me. This is too soon for me to be at a party. Everybody is going to be smoking! I am going to want to smoke and it is going to drive me crazy. Maybe I shouldn't drink! I was frozen, cup in hand, facing the ice machine, wondering what to do. I don't want to smoke. I do want to have a drink. Quitting smoking is killing all of my fun. No, no, my addiction is making my life hard and that's just how it is going to be and I have to deal with it. I resolved to at least have one drink and see how I feel. But, that feeling of wordiness, knowing that if I had a slip in judgement and smoked even one cigarette it would all be over was still with me. I woke.