(no subject)
I don't know how I got here, all I know is I want out.
A lot of shit has been going on, and I hadn't truly realized how it was affecting me until just recently.
The strangest little things just set it off and now I don't know what the hell is going on.
Thursday night I see Chris DeAngelo at the Improv Inferno; his face lights up when he sees me and I find it odd that he would have that reaction after this long. Not only odd, but I feel annoyed, like 'how dare he have that reaction'. He comes to talk to me after the show and I attempt to avoid him, using my family as an excuse to not talk to him.
I wonder later at my drastic reaction. Why didn't I want to talk to him? What was so wrong with him being happy to see me? Why do I feel this hint of jealousy when I think of him being happy with someone else, it's not like we were involved for very long at all.
Part of my reaction is unhealthy - the jealousy. And the other part is an odd attempt at protecting myself - the avoidance.
But why him? There are a few other people I could feel this way about, is it because he was the most recent attempt at a relationship that I've had in years? And even at that - it was two Summers ago. I haven't found an interesting man since Summer 2005.
That brings me to the point of thought - What the HELL have I been doing with myself for the past year and a half!?
Yes I've gotten from point A to point B when it comes to stages in my life... but even that doesn't seem worth anything.
Who has benefited from what I've done with myself - waiting tables - for over a year now? No one, but myself, and even I don't feel accomplished in the least.
That point hadn't really surfaced to my consciousness until Friday night when I visited my Dad in the hospital.
Yes, my Dad was in the hospital Friday, he had a blocked artery and could have had a heart attack and died if he hadn't caught it.
My Dad could have died.
My Dad.
He's "fine" and at home right now.
But I went to see him Friday night. After talking to me about their day they (my parents) asked me how I'd been, what I'd been up to, and other than working all I could think of that I'd done was set up my DVD player-stereo system.
My Dad acted interested, asking me how it was and such, and I couldn't believe we were sitting there talking about something as insignificant as a DVD player-stereo system while he was in a hospital.
I couldn't help thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing? I haven't accomplished ONE thing, not one thing since high school.
I feel very small and insignificant to the grand scheme of things.
I'm depressed.
I don't know how I got here, and what's worse is I don't know how to get out.
The last time I felt this way I decided I wanted to go into medicine, and life happened and managed to distract me, and here I sit, still claiming I want to go into medicine, but not doing anything to get there.
I was going to go home tonight.
I wanted to see my Dad.
I wanted to sit with him, maybe play scrabble, or watch a movie, but just be with him.
I called to let them know I was on my way and Mom told me I couldn't come over.
She said the "ice storm" was really terrible in Chelsea.
The roads in Ann Arbor were wet - that's how warm it was. I was going to go through Chelsea and keep to the main roads.
She wouldn't allow it. Told me it was to much of a risk, and would just make her worry.
She said she didn't understand why I wanted to come home, did I really need to come home?
I didn't want to tell her I NEEDED to come home for my own sake of feeling like I mattered and feeling like I was helping by being there, because I knew she didn't want to deal with my inner turmoil and well drama's probably a good term for it. It would have stressed her out to know how much I needed to come home tonight and be with my Daddy.
I wasn't going to make any kind of big deal out of it. I was just going to go there and appreciate being there, and take in what I could from the visit.
But she told me I couldn't come home.
I wanted to go home.
God... I feel so overwhelmed by everything I'm feeling right now. And I don't know what to do with it, or do for it.
A lot of shit has been going on, and I hadn't truly realized how it was affecting me until just recently.
The strangest little things just set it off and now I don't know what the hell is going on.
Thursday night I see Chris DeAngelo at the Improv Inferno; his face lights up when he sees me and I find it odd that he would have that reaction after this long. Not only odd, but I feel annoyed, like 'how dare he have that reaction'. He comes to talk to me after the show and I attempt to avoid him, using my family as an excuse to not talk to him.
I wonder later at my drastic reaction. Why didn't I want to talk to him? What was so wrong with him being happy to see me? Why do I feel this hint of jealousy when I think of him being happy with someone else, it's not like we were involved for very long at all.
Part of my reaction is unhealthy - the jealousy. And the other part is an odd attempt at protecting myself - the avoidance.
But why him? There are a few other people I could feel this way about, is it because he was the most recent attempt at a relationship that I've had in years? And even at that - it was two Summers ago. I haven't found an interesting man since Summer 2005.
That brings me to the point of thought - What the HELL have I been doing with myself for the past year and a half!?
Yes I've gotten from point A to point B when it comes to stages in my life... but even that doesn't seem worth anything.
Who has benefited from what I've done with myself - waiting tables - for over a year now? No one, but myself, and even I don't feel accomplished in the least.
That point hadn't really surfaced to my consciousness until Friday night when I visited my Dad in the hospital.
Yes, my Dad was in the hospital Friday, he had a blocked artery and could have had a heart attack and died if he hadn't caught it.
My Dad could have died.
My Dad.
He's "fine" and at home right now.
But I went to see him Friday night. After talking to me about their day they (my parents) asked me how I'd been, what I'd been up to, and other than working all I could think of that I'd done was set up my DVD player-stereo system.
My Dad acted interested, asking me how it was and such, and I couldn't believe we were sitting there talking about something as insignificant as a DVD player-stereo system while he was in a hospital.
I couldn't help thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing? I haven't accomplished ONE thing, not one thing since high school.
I feel very small and insignificant to the grand scheme of things.
I'm depressed.
I don't know how I got here, and what's worse is I don't know how to get out.
The last time I felt this way I decided I wanted to go into medicine, and life happened and managed to distract me, and here I sit, still claiming I want to go into medicine, but not doing anything to get there.
I was going to go home tonight.
I wanted to see my Dad.
I wanted to sit with him, maybe play scrabble, or watch a movie, but just be with him.
I called to let them know I was on my way and Mom told me I couldn't come over.
She said the "ice storm" was really terrible in Chelsea.
The roads in Ann Arbor were wet - that's how warm it was. I was going to go through Chelsea and keep to the main roads.
She wouldn't allow it. Told me it was to much of a risk, and would just make her worry.
She said she didn't understand why I wanted to come home, did I really need to come home?
I didn't want to tell her I NEEDED to come home for my own sake of feeling like I mattered and feeling like I was helping by being there, because I knew she didn't want to deal with my inner turmoil and well drama's probably a good term for it. It would have stressed her out to know how much I needed to come home tonight and be with my Daddy.
I wasn't going to make any kind of big deal out of it. I was just going to go there and appreciate being there, and take in what I could from the visit.
But she told me I couldn't come home.
I wanted to go home.
God... I feel so overwhelmed by everything I'm feeling right now. And I don't know what to do with it, or do for it.