so many things.
first off, hi beth. i see your schwartz is as big as mine.
ok, so my life is crazy out of control. i dont know what im doing right now. school is absolutely killing me. i have tons of homework everynight that if i managed my time better i would be able to get done. but its too important to me right now to fuck off and do nothing. i love the classes, i love what im learning (for the most part) and im actually pretty good at it. but its a ton of work.
when im not working, or at school, or at home with friends, im locked up in my room watching, in order, on DVD, the whole first season of the OC. i cant stop. i love seth cohen. dry, sarcastic, cynical. what more could a girl want? and i dont know when it happened but its taking over my life and filling up all of my free time. my study time is mostly spent watchin the OC. chris- if i fail out of school cuz i cant stop watch the OC im going to shave your head.
the cats, tom and isis, are good. tom likes to go outside but he gets pretty cold pretty fast. and isis like to play in the sink when its full of water. my cat likes to swim. who knew? i just dont get it. she thinks shes a jungle cat, a jaguar, or something. i dont know. shes as nuts as i am.
ok, now for the fun part, the boys. theres all of these boys in my life. (those of you who know me at all, know that i am boy crazy.) so let me run down the list:
josh: just a friend, in fact, maybe the best "just friends" boy friend i have ever had. and quite possibly the first "just friends" boy friend i have ever had. most definitely the first time "just friends" has been ok by me and he simultaneously. i wouldnt trade this guy for all the rice in china. hes nice and smart and funny and everything a girl could want in a relationship, without all the complicated emotional and physical stuff. (i keep putting "just friends" in quotes because up until josh, i didnt thing men and women could be "just friends." but im learning.) he still hangs out with pete, which is hard for me, but i understand it. pete gets him too. they play video games and talk about calculus and physics. just so long as i dont have to hear about how great pete is. i just cant take that.
john: you remember him right? the boy from last october? who i dated for nearly 4 years? right, thats the one. we're "just friends" now too. and its really hard. we know each other so well. for example: a couple of nights ago i had, what i believe to be, a pinched nerve in or behind my eyes. well, i went blind. temporarily couldnt see shit. he helped me into bed and sat with me so i wouldnt be scared. and we got to talking and it turns out we are going thru a lot of the same stuff. we just havent really been talking about it to each other. and its super nice to know that im not alone with the problems that arise from knowing someone as well as i know john. (yes, im being vague.)
chris: lil buddy. what can i say? chris is the only constant thing in my life, as inconstant as he is sometimes. he got a promotion and hes really freaked out. im trying to be there for him but im just so freakin busy with everything. hes getting pushed off to the side and i wish that wasnt the case but i dont know how to fix it. i sent him a letter that will either make or break our relationship. but ill say more about that later.
sean: boy from work. nice guy, easy to talk to. in fact, sean is the first person ever in the history of the world to see me smoke pot, as was i for him. this was like 13 years ago. so we have some history. hes kind of a freak, in a good way. just seems like very tortured soul, until you get to know him and realize hes just a normal guy wrapped up in metal spikes, orange suspenders, and patch pants.
*pouting* and then theres Brian. a week ago Brian asked me for my #. he never called. and i know that sounds silly and childish but my self esteem is pretty low after the drama of last fall and i could really have used the pick me up. but he didnt call. and i dont know if he ever will. but why would he ask if he wasnt going to call? i dont really get it. boys suck. sometimes. *pouting over*
anyway, so those are my boys. beth and i are still pretty close but we dont hang out as much as we used to. shes got RyRy and work and family and ive got school and work and family so were both pretty busy. but i still love her and i wouldnt give up knowing her. i just wish shed get out of bed earlier in the day.
work sucks. i dont like my job at all so ive taken a page from clay and decided to look around and see what else is out there. so far nothing but i only just started. so we'll see.
i guess the real reason my life is so chaotic is all in my head. i found something today. khall is on myspace.com. (as am i, in case you didnt know. click HERE to see me on myspace.com.) ok. for those of you who dont know, khall was my best friend in the world. we were like one person in two bodies. it was awesome. and then it all fell apart. i fucked it up. and i owe her an apology. i let a boy come between us. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. IT WASNT THIS UNNAMED BOY'S FAULT. she and i should have worked it all out back then and we didnt. so this wound in my heart has been festering and healing and cracking open again and again for nearly 5 years and i feel so awful about everything. i dont know if shell ever talk to me or if it would even be the right thing to do, but i have to try. we were inseparable for quite a while and i have to try. i at least have to tell her im sorry. i was out of line and i should have seen what was happening and stopped it, but i didnt. i was *in love* and i couldnt see the big picture beyond that.
as an interesting side note, im starting to wonder what romantic love is, if it is. im not entirely sure ive ever been in romantic love. i mean i think i have and ive said i was but i dont know now. love, in all its forms, is strange and it hurts and romantic love is something that im going to try to avoid if at all possible in the near future. i love my life, chaos and all, and i dont want to fuck it up with romantic love. i know i sound like a cynic. but im sick of getting hurt. so im just shutting down for a while. i know ive said that before, but now i really mean it. the big picture is so much more important to me now. and im not going to let another boy come between me and my friends. i wouldnt let some other girl, so why should i let some boy?
as for the rest of my life, its good. school is hard and i have to stay focused, keep my eye on the prize as they say. i still watch cartoons tho not as much as id like. i still eat pizza and get high with my friends tho not as much as over break. josh and i are tighter now than ever and that is some cool ass shit. he gets me, the depression, the meds, the mood swings, the constant over analyzing of our relationship. and yanno? i think he really digs me. but not in *that* way. which i am proud to say, is fine with me. strange and disconcerting, but fine. not that i think im irresistable. oh nevermind.
ok, so my life is crazy out of control. i dont know what im doing right now. school is absolutely killing me. i have tons of homework everynight that if i managed my time better i would be able to get done. but its too important to me right now to fuck off and do nothing. i love the classes, i love what im learning (for the most part) and im actually pretty good at it. but its a ton of work.
when im not working, or at school, or at home with friends, im locked up in my room watching, in order, on DVD, the whole first season of the OC. i cant stop. i love seth cohen. dry, sarcastic, cynical. what more could a girl want? and i dont know when it happened but its taking over my life and filling up all of my free time. my study time is mostly spent watchin the OC. chris- if i fail out of school cuz i cant stop watch the OC im going to shave your head.
the cats, tom and isis, are good. tom likes to go outside but he gets pretty cold pretty fast. and isis like to play in the sink when its full of water. my cat likes to swim. who knew? i just dont get it. she thinks shes a jungle cat, a jaguar, or something. i dont know. shes as nuts as i am.
ok, now for the fun part, the boys. theres all of these boys in my life. (those of you who know me at all, know that i am boy crazy.) so let me run down the list:
josh: just a friend, in fact, maybe the best "just friends" boy friend i have ever had. and quite possibly the first "just friends" boy friend i have ever had. most definitely the first time "just friends" has been ok by me and he simultaneously. i wouldnt trade this guy for all the rice in china. hes nice and smart and funny and everything a girl could want in a relationship, without all the complicated emotional and physical stuff. (i keep putting "just friends" in quotes because up until josh, i didnt thing men and women could be "just friends." but im learning.) he still hangs out with pete, which is hard for me, but i understand it. pete gets him too. they play video games and talk about calculus and physics. just so long as i dont have to hear about how great pete is. i just cant take that.
john: you remember him right? the boy from last october? who i dated for nearly 4 years? right, thats the one. we're "just friends" now too. and its really hard. we know each other so well. for example: a couple of nights ago i had, what i believe to be, a pinched nerve in or behind my eyes. well, i went blind. temporarily couldnt see shit. he helped me into bed and sat with me so i wouldnt be scared. and we got to talking and it turns out we are going thru a lot of the same stuff. we just havent really been talking about it to each other. and its super nice to know that im not alone with the problems that arise from knowing someone as well as i know john. (yes, im being vague.)
chris: lil buddy. what can i say? chris is the only constant thing in my life, as inconstant as he is sometimes. he got a promotion and hes really freaked out. im trying to be there for him but im just so freakin busy with everything. hes getting pushed off to the side and i wish that wasnt the case but i dont know how to fix it. i sent him a letter that will either make or break our relationship. but ill say more about that later.
sean: boy from work. nice guy, easy to talk to. in fact, sean is the first person ever in the history of the world to see me smoke pot, as was i for him. this was like 13 years ago. so we have some history. hes kind of a freak, in a good way. just seems like very tortured soul, until you get to know him and realize hes just a normal guy wrapped up in metal spikes, orange suspenders, and patch pants.
*pouting* and then theres Brian. a week ago Brian asked me for my #. he never called. and i know that sounds silly and childish but my self esteem is pretty low after the drama of last fall and i could really have used the pick me up. but he didnt call. and i dont know if he ever will. but why would he ask if he wasnt going to call? i dont really get it. boys suck. sometimes. *pouting over*
anyway, so those are my boys. beth and i are still pretty close but we dont hang out as much as we used to. shes got RyRy and work and family and ive got school and work and family so were both pretty busy. but i still love her and i wouldnt give up knowing her. i just wish shed get out of bed earlier in the day.
work sucks. i dont like my job at all so ive taken a page from clay and decided to look around and see what else is out there. so far nothing but i only just started. so we'll see.
i guess the real reason my life is so chaotic is all in my head. i found something today. khall is on myspace.com. (as am i, in case you didnt know. click HERE to see me on myspace.com.) ok. for those of you who dont know, khall was my best friend in the world. we were like one person in two bodies. it was awesome. and then it all fell apart. i fucked it up. and i owe her an apology. i let a boy come between us. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. IT WASNT THIS UNNAMED BOY'S FAULT. she and i should have worked it all out back then and we didnt. so this wound in my heart has been festering and healing and cracking open again and again for nearly 5 years and i feel so awful about everything. i dont know if shell ever talk to me or if it would even be the right thing to do, but i have to try. we were inseparable for quite a while and i have to try. i at least have to tell her im sorry. i was out of line and i should have seen what was happening and stopped it, but i didnt. i was *in love* and i couldnt see the big picture beyond that.
as an interesting side note, im starting to wonder what romantic love is, if it is. im not entirely sure ive ever been in romantic love. i mean i think i have and ive said i was but i dont know now. love, in all its forms, is strange and it hurts and romantic love is something that im going to try to avoid if at all possible in the near future. i love my life, chaos and all, and i dont want to fuck it up with romantic love. i know i sound like a cynic. but im sick of getting hurt. so im just shutting down for a while. i know ive said that before, but now i really mean it. the big picture is so much more important to me now. and im not going to let another boy come between me and my friends. i wouldnt let some other girl, so why should i let some boy?
as for the rest of my life, its good. school is hard and i have to stay focused, keep my eye on the prize as they say. i still watch cartoons tho not as much as id like. i still eat pizza and get high with my friends tho not as much as over break. josh and i are tighter now than ever and that is some cool ass shit. he gets me, the depression, the meds, the mood swings, the constant over analyzing of our relationship. and yanno? i think he really digs me. but not in *that* way. which i am proud to say, is fine with me. strange and disconcerting, but fine. not that i think im irresistable. oh nevermind.