havent been on the computer for a while.. ill just throw a lot at you.
wow. lots to write. watch me forget most of it.
1. i apologize to elena, who we should have called for her birthday yesterday/the day before but never did because it is impossible to get people hovering around a phone for only about 2 minutes. next weekend we're calling even though we missed itttt!!!
2. RACHELS SCHOOL WAS SO AMAZING.
a. i love vinny jason tunkel. i forgot how genuinely NICE he is. all around. i know everyone thought he was all weak and whatever with the horton thing but he was so strong for not giving in. and he prayed for us!!!! twice!!!! he prayed that we get the support from God that he hasnt been able to give us. how amazing is that?!? i spent most of that day thanking God that vj exists. i miss him so much now. ive always missed him. but i just realized it.
b. the whole chapel service was soo amazing. really i cried so much. i mean i always cry. but this was a good cry. because honestly even with you guys sometimes it gets really lonely. and even with all the love sometimes i feel a little loveless. (cuz thats a word?) but now theres someone whos never gonna leave me. and someone who will always love me.
c. thank God for rachel. honestly. i wouldnt have gone to her school and gotten all this out of it if it weren't for her. and all the shit shes had to put up with, and all that shes been through, seeing her so happy now and how she got through it.. itd be nice to say that we did all that, but really, God had so much to do with it. and if it weren't for Him, she may not be with us here now, and not my best friend, so thankyouthankyouthankyouGod for Rachel!!!!!!!
d. i noticed in English at the end of the day that i am so comfortable around Rachel and her friends. i wasnt trying to be cool or show off or anything. i was trying to be me, with possibly a little less weird than normal :] but i loved it and i loved rachels friends so much!!! and its weird because at the end of the day rich complimented my ring and that made me really happy. because if im accepted by rachels friends, then hopefully rachel will be more accepted too. and thats one of my goals. to get people in rachels school to be nicer to rachel because she deserves it.
e. IDONTEVENKNOWWHATTOSAYTHEWHOLEDAYMADEMESOOOOOOOHAPPY!!!! GAHHHH!!!!! I LOVED ITTTT!!! im gonna skip another grade and transfer schools just so i can be with them all the time!!!!! NO WORDS!!! BUT GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
3. first three shows. they went so so so so fast. we're halfway done, guys! we made it this far! except that also means its halfway over. but we made it so far...
a. we kicked ass. my dad had nothing bad to say about ANYONE in the cast! and believe me, my dad would come right out and be like yes, ___ sucked. maybe not in those exact terms, but yeah. and we decided that this show was made for our family. my stepmom could not stop telling me just how amazing all the leads were, especially matt and mark, for obvious reasons. matts voice was sooo perfect for this part, and not just the singing. my stepmom could not stop going, i just love matt. i think hes so cute. and then mark... well duh. this part could have been written for him. go elvis? and everyone was so impressed with crystals voice, and it being back, and her belting. oh and how many people have told me that rachels comedic timing was perfect???? A LOT. my dad also compared em and i to brenda when she was in grease, which made me really happy. and of course, christine was perfect, which my dad said too. she played the part not too crazy when conrad was around but mature enough when he wasnt which really portrayed the character how it was supposed to be. im so proud to call you guys family.
b. the flags ended up working! can you believe it?!? turns out, pablo had hers the entire time! so when eamon got those two from the boys room for me, plus pablos, WE HAD THEM ALL!!!! YAY!!!
c. i cannot stop crying. really, its pathetic. and its bad because ill come downstairs and it looks like im trying to get attention or whatever, but i stay out of people's way by trying to stay in the chapel (sanctuary?) well that little room where we got changed in fiddler. i just like to sit in there. that started during fantasticks shows, actually. id just sit in there and talk to myself. or to God. but i talk to God like He's my best friend, which i guess works because Hes always there for me to listen, right? i cry to Him a lot. but now the littlest things make my cry. if im in that mood, i can look at mark or crystal or jen and burst into tears. if rachel gets a good note, ill cry. a good note. and rachel, whos not leaving. i just get really happy when rach gets good notes now though becaus eim like YES! she has a lead and shes doing so well!!!! :]]]]]]]]] but yeah and then all the little kids invaded my sanctuary place which pissed me off because id feel stupid talking to myself while theyre in there, trying to see into the boys dressing room through the window. i love that place. the earliest memory i have of take-one is in there. jess murphy and a whole bunch of other people were in there, singing. and all of a sudden jess goes GODSPELLLLLLL!!!!! and they break into another song which im now assuming was from godspell. anyway. i barely last 20 minutes without going, oh crap, mark and crystal and jen are leaving. *tear.* i love you guys. all of you. and no offense to my other best friends, but mark is the only person who i tell absolutely everything to. and even though most of this stuff gets out through the grapevine, idc, because hes the only person i tell these things to. hes the only person who hears things from me. and as we now know, nothing is really true until you hear it from the person themself. but that makes mark the only person im comfortable sharing a lot with. and think about it. this isnt true in all cases, but a lot of the time, friendships kinda wither away after you dont see the person anymore. vj and i weren't really talking to each other after i never saw him at rehearsal. i started a conversation with him the other day online and we had nothing to say to each other because we didnt have anything in common anymore. thats why im so glad that im going to see rachel at greenroom almost every friday now. because now we have something that'll keep us seeing each other. jen will come and visit. it wont be the same, deinitely not, but i guess its better than nothing. crystal and mark? well you see my problem. marks not the sort of person who you can just i.m. and strike a conversation with. crystal is, however, the sort of person you can text and talk to hours for about nothing. god. i love her. i just keep thinking back to fiddler, when it was me rachel vj and crystal. with our friendship bracelets, that i lost and vj broke. and all the times i stuck up for her, even when i had to be against vj, and all the times she was there for me. when shed confide in me with things that she told almost no one else. she made me feel kind of special, like i was a good enough friend to tell this to, that she trusts me, and she still makes me feel that way. and jen. we go the furthest back, except for jess and dennis. oliver. what was that, 2003? i remember id pretty much do anything for her, so that theyd like me and id be included. id still do anything for her, but not just because i want to be liked lol. just out of pure love. and even after i left, id go to every show and seeing her would just light up the entire experience of seeing the show, just because she was there when everyone else i knew and loved wasnt. (this is out of the cast. of course i loved jess, i still do!, but im talking cast terms) i loved thinking, hey, someone loved this enough. someone loved us enough. someone stayed. someone cared. what a hypocrite im being now, seeing as i might leave. because i know i love you guys, and i know that just because you leave doesnt mean you dont love us and it doesnt mean you dont care. i didnt know that then. so jen was like the take-one goddess to me. she represented everyhing lovable and memorable and amazing about take-one. she still does. but i respect her reasons and her decision in leaving, really, so im trying not to make a hugeass deal about it just so shell stay. because if she doesnt end up getting that promotion. or she doesnt end up getting that second job. or going back to school. well who wants to be the reason jens life sucks?!? not me. ive always liked saying i just want my friends to be happy, even when that means i have to be sad. thats why i never wished that mark and michelle break up (though i cant say i wasnt happy when they did). thats why i told emily, go for it, date mark, idc, be happy with him, make him happy being with you. and thats why im now saying if jen needs to leave, then she needs to leave. im going to miss her like hell, everyone will, its like losing a sister ive known my entire life. but i know shell still be there for me even when shes not literally there. and i know shell help me whenever i need it. because she is one of the best freaking things that ever happened to take-one in all its 8 years that ive known it, and she deserves to have a good life, a good job, and a kickass education, and if we can help that by letting her leave, so be it.
that leaves mark.
ive already said a little about mark. how i tell him everything. you know what im really scared of? he was the majority of my life since last november. thats about a year. now, thats really important to me. thats like one fourteenth of my life. when im 60, thats going to be like one sixtyth (wow that came out funny..) of my life. thats like nothing. the life expectancy now is high. say i live to 100. thats ONE ONEHUNDREDTH OF MY LIFE. THATS NOT LIKE NOTHING. THAT IS NOTHING. and there are all these little things that i remember now that ill never remember then. and no matter how many times i write it down, in no matter how many places, it wont be the same. i wont be able to remember the way he said things, because i cant write that down. i cant remember the scent of his hoodie, because i cant write that down. i cant remember the joy of just being with him, because i cant.write.that.down. and what about the things i forget to write down? what then? and even just reading it off a piece of paper, thats not enough. because im positive that when i get older i am going to be in denial. i will think, i was just a stupid teenager. i had no idea what love is. but all of you guys did teach me what love is. and even if i read that last sentence in 50 years, im not going to believe it. theres no way to remember how all of you guys made me feel. how deliriously happy i am when i see you. and i just said it, its RIGHT THERE! but in 50 years i wont be feeling it! and i wont understand! and i wont remember the way mark makes all these asian jokes, or any other racial jokes, and i wont remember all of his stupid mets shirts, and i wont remember all his silly little voices, and i wont remember the hair debate (short or long? or bushy for that matter) and i wont remember his old infamous hoodie, and i wont remember that he had tony hawk sneakers, or that he looked like a skater on the first day he went to school this year, or that one time, while he was in the bathroom, the fire alarm went off, or that he once had a poem published in the schools magazine, or that every time luke says hi to me on the phone mark says lukes gay (even though hes not), or that his schools track goes all the way around the football field, or that in gym even though hes supposed to run the mile, they make him run a mile and a quarter, or that in vjs tight pants his ass is bigger than brookes, or that during one fiddler music rehearsal his pants were too short and his socks were too high, or that i was positive that hed be the tin man in wizard and that matt would be the scarecrow, or that the first thing he really said to me was hey, nice strawberry, or that he bought me chewy, or that he bought me jamaal!, or that dont cry daddy actually makes me cry, or that i love that song he sings (bebopalua somethingsomethingsomething), or that his chicken noises were surprisingly realistic, OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO SCARED. SO SO SO SO SCARED. WHAT ABOUT HIS SCENT? I LOVE THAT SMELL. TO DEATH. OR HIS VOICE? IT MAKES ME MELT. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT LINE WAS THE CHEESIEST THING BUT REALLY IT TURNS ME INTO COMPLETE IDONTEVENKNOWWHATBUTGODILOVEHISVOICE. YEAH SOMETIMES THINGS HE DOES I HATE. ILL ADMIT IT BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS IT BUT THATS WHAT MAKES HIM MARK AND EVEN THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT I HATE I LOVELOVELOVE TO DEATH BECAUSE WITHOUT THEM HE WOULDNT BE MARK AND THATSREALLYALLIWANTHIMTOBE. I TRIED CHANGING HIM ONCE AND IT DIDNT WORK AND I REALIZED THAT IF I DONT WANT HIM FOR WHO HE IS THEN I SHOULD JUST SCREW IT AND FORGET IT BUT NOW I DO LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS AND I WANT HIM TO STAY THAT WAY.
the only issue is, who he is now includes being here with us. and thats not staying that way. at all.
and you know what else im scared about? what if i do remember him. and in 50 years i track him down. and i find him. and i call him, or i visit him, or i email him, or something. but what if he doesnt remember me? maybe he will remember me. what if he doesnt care? and you know what, even though i just wrote all that down, all those little things, in 50 years it wont even matter. because ill keep it as a fact, then, and not a memory. it wont mean anything to me in 50 years. itll mean to me that i had some sort of crazy stalkerish obsession and that i write down the stupidest things. but its not all that stupid. i dont think its stupid that i want to remember these things. i hate closure. i dont want closure. i want this wound of losing him open forever and ever. and i WANT it to hurt. i want it to BURN. i want every thing i put on my wound to try and heal it to STING. because if i stop thinking about it, i wont remember anything.
so please.
hit me with your hardest, and your sharpest, and your worst.
because i am prepared, and im ready, and im wishing for some hurt.