.....
so today. (yesterday, as its 2 in the morning?)
i pulled out the old comb.. considering its now my trademark and i cant cut myself with anything other than that, bc it feels kind of wrong.
it was for a lot of reasons.
mainly though... well, have you read whats been said to and written about me?
i got so sooo frustrated after a while.
bc i knew it wouldnt kill me.
after going on lj, and reading stuff,
i really thought,
id rather be dead.
bc everythings just peaceful when youre dead.
i mean, unless youre sent to hell.
in which case, its not peacefull..
but you see my point.
why continue this?
why live through this?
why bother?
but after furiously digging this stupid comb into my skin i realized,
obviously this isnt going to kill me. duh.
and proceded to curl up in a ball on the floor, crying hysterically.
and then i thought, maybe i could suffer from mass blood loss? maybe if i cut myself deeper in that same spot then itll bleed more??
but i knew i couldnt. bc i hate blood.
but i wanted to, so badly.
i tried talking to rachel. and shes a really big help. like idk where id be without her.
but with this stuff shes not exactly the voice of reason.
and neither is luke.
sorry guys.
i go to jen.
but i couldnt bring myself to tell her. i just couldnt.
emilys on vacation.
and i desperately needed someone to convince me not to do this to myself. i was looking everywhere.
and then my computer moos.
yes, it mooed.
which means mark just signed on.
mark.
and i dont want to tell him. really.
but i have to.
so i do.
and all he says is no, dont.
and i stopped wanting to.
just right there thought wtf am i thinking.
because last time he found out,
he screamed at me.
his voice was all deep and he sounded kind of evil.
"why.
(long silence)
why!"
"because-because of birdie and i dont want my mom to take me away and-"
"THATS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS. THERE ARE OTHER WAYS.
PROMISE ME YOULL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. NEVER EVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND."
i got scared. and upset. and i started crying bc he yelled at me.
so tonight when he said, no, dont.
thats all i needed,
bc it came rushing back
all those feelings i felt when he yelled at me.
in the words of rachel.
thank god for mark.
i pulled out the old comb.. considering its now my trademark and i cant cut myself with anything other than that, bc it feels kind of wrong.
it was for a lot of reasons.
mainly though... well, have you read whats been said to and written about me?
i got so sooo frustrated after a while.
bc i knew it wouldnt kill me.
after going on lj, and reading stuff,
i really thought,
id rather be dead.
bc everythings just peaceful when youre dead.
i mean, unless youre sent to hell.
in which case, its not peacefull..
but you see my point.
why continue this?
why live through this?
why bother?
but after furiously digging this stupid comb into my skin i realized,
obviously this isnt going to kill me. duh.
and proceded to curl up in a ball on the floor, crying hysterically.
and then i thought, maybe i could suffer from mass blood loss? maybe if i cut myself deeper in that same spot then itll bleed more??
but i knew i couldnt. bc i hate blood.
but i wanted to, so badly.
i tried talking to rachel. and shes a really big help. like idk where id be without her.
but with this stuff shes not exactly the voice of reason.
and neither is luke.
sorry guys.
i go to jen.
but i couldnt bring myself to tell her. i just couldnt.
emilys on vacation.
and i desperately needed someone to convince me not to do this to myself. i was looking everywhere.
and then my computer moos.
yes, it mooed.
which means mark just signed on.
mark.
and i dont want to tell him. really.
but i have to.
so i do.
and all he says is no, dont.
and i stopped wanting to.
just right there thought wtf am i thinking.
because last time he found out,
he screamed at me.
his voice was all deep and he sounded kind of evil.
"why.
(long silence)
why!"
"because-because of birdie and i dont want my mom to take me away and-"
"THATS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS. THERE ARE OTHER WAYS.
PROMISE ME YOULL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. NEVER EVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND."
i got scared. and upset. and i started crying bc he yelled at me.
so tonight when he said, no, dont.
thats all i needed,
bc it came rushing back
all those feelings i felt when he yelled at me.
in the words of rachel.
thank god for mark.